Nick placed the orange juice bottle back into the fridge compartment before deciding to take the seat under the breakfast bar.
"What's up, hun?" he asked, offering a warm smile, unaware to my internal conflict. My mouth felt dry. My head was pounding and I felt nauseous. I wasn't sure what I was going to say myself. Was this it? Was I going to confess?
"Nick," I began, sighing gently as I slid my hands across the ceramic marble to reach for his. His hands met mine with affection, his eyes meeting mine with admiration. This was so hard. There was no manual on this. No right way of doing this. "I-I...need to tell you something."
"Yeah, I know. What's going on, hun?" he said quizzically. "you feeling okay? Are...you sure you're not preg---
"----Nick, I'm not pregnant," I interjected with haste and shaking my head. " And—and I'm still on the pill," I quickly said, withdrawing my hands away from his and standing up straight. There was at least part of the confession, or at least a lie I wasn't willing to lie about no more. Was I going to do the full home-run and admit the rest? I'm cheating on you too?
Nick's face was no longer content, no sign of warmness as it distorted into a frown, maybe even disgust. I couldn't decide. But he had every right to his reaction. I stood quiet. He hadn't said a word yet. His lips were closed tight. I wished I could read his mind. I hated the anticipation. I needed to know. I wanted him to shout, wanted him to be angry then maybe I would spit it out mid fight. I would tell him there and then that I had cheated too. That way it would be all over.
"You're on the pill?" he muttered quietly, his voice sounding feeble as if he was learning to speak for the first time. He wouldn't even look me in the eyes but at least he was speaking. His body shuffled as he gently got off the chair and situated himself behind it pressing his hands onto the edge of the chair. I could see the tenseness of his knuckles as they turned pure white.
I nodded.
"I don't understand...I—I just don't understand---"
"----I—I didn't mean to lie. I just—things just don't feel right. And that's why we need to have this discussion. I'm sorry I lied, Nick. I know this is spiteful, I know I should have told you about how I felt but---
"---You've been on the pill all this while? All the time I've been stupidly encouraging us, embracing the idea of having a child and now that's all been a lie?" he interrupted, still calm and collected throughout his tone. I didn't like how he wasn't blowing his lid off. It made the situation more concerning. "I—" he added, looking up to meet my frightened eyes. "Rose, why would you do this? This has got to be the most selfish thing you've ever done. Why would you lie to me? Why would you lie about that? I've told everyone we're trying. I've been on the phone to my father, and you know I have, telling him how much I look forward to being a father. And you've just gone and ripped that away from me." He shook his head, releasing his hands from the chair and bringing his right hand to brush through his hair in frustration.
"Nick, I-I'm sorry," I tried, knowing this was only half the journey I had yet to entail.
"Why would you lie!" he suddenly snapped, fury written on his face. "And then you have the cheek to tell me we need the discussion. Are you delusional? I was all in for this! I asked you if you were and you told me, time and time again that you wanted a child. Now, you don't? I would have understood if you came to talk to me about it! Not lie to my face and be on contraceptive all this time!" He threw his hands in the air, dropping them clumsily to his sides as he grumbled to himself.
"I'm sorry, Nick," I apologised again knowing it wasn't exactly amending the situation. What was sorry going to do really? The man has just learnt his wife has been lying and you expect sorry will just fix everything, my conscience sneered. Do you think he'll just accept sorry when the truth comes out about the affair?
"Why did you lie? Huh? Why? Why did you lie, Rose!" he yelled, slapping the palms of his hands onto the counter. I jumped not expecting that sudden outburst. "Why would you lie to me? I thought we had trust. Tell me why did you lie? Do you not want a baby with me? Is that it? Have you changed your mind? Or is something else going on I'm not aware about? Because fucking hell, Rose! You've been acting strange for a while."
There was the accusations, there they were. The hot, sharp ended arrows piercing through. Maybe, this was the right time to finally confess. Get it out there. Tell him everything. But then...that would be us over. No more Rose and Nick. That would be the final straw to knock the nail into the coffin. Did I want that?
"Look at you!" He jabbed his finger towards me with repulsion. "You won't even answer me. You stand there looking at me like I'm sort of moron. Just tell me, Rose! I swear to fucking god! Answer the damn question—"
"---I—I've been seeing a marriage counsellor!" I blurted out loud watching yet again the deflation of his face as the words made their way around into orbit of his mind. This day was just getting better and better. If I was trying to break Nick then this was it. Now I just needed the finale and then that would be it. Completely broken.
A humourless laugh left his lips as he began to pace the short space. "Oh, this is just great! Fucking brilliant! So, that's great. My wife has not only been lying about being on the pill but now she's been seeing a fucking counsellor. You sure know how to pick 'em, Nick." He then aggressively grabbed his suit jacket off the chair and stalked off out the kitchen without another a word.
I followed hastily begging him to stop. "Nick! Please! Can we talk about this?"
He didn't stop. He didn't turn back. He opened the door, left and got into his car before speeding off down the street. I stood on the door step watching as his car shrank in the distance and felt my throat shrivel as the oxygen fled.
What now?
***
Who could I talk to really? Shane refused to communicate with me until I sorted out my marriage. Angie only knew half of the story and although my marriage counsellor knew pretty much the entire story, I didn't feel like facing her knowing I had cowardly refused to admit my affair to Nick. Everything was just messed up. I'm messed up.
I lay on the couch in the conservatory staring blankly to the blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. No rain. No dismal weather. Just pure sunshine and yet my situation couldn't have been worse. It was like the sun was mocking me. Great one, Rose. This is what you get for cheating! Lying! You don't deserve happiness!
I had already tried ringing Nick several times but each call when to voicemail. And eventually it just stopped ringing out. He had probably blocked me by that point. I had no idea where my husband went. And that worried me. But could I blame him for getting up and leaving like that? Of course not. He had every right to be mad. At this point, I wasn't surprised if I was going to be sent the divorce papers in the post. Maybe then he'd never have to know about my affair, another inner voice other than my conscience slyly suggested. That was a wicked thought. I shook my head as I sat up. I couldn't just sit here. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself when I'm in the wrong.
My feet took course taking me upstairs and into the office. I sat slowly in my chair wondering why I had been taken here. But I knew as I opened up my manuscript and began writing, it was calming to release all the pain into words.
Elle struggled. It just wasn't working. Her and Andre just weren't working. She had tried for four weeks trying to grab back that feeling she once felt for him but it just wouldn't return. She hated lying. Hated that she missed sex with the neighbour. Hated that it was him who she wanted to spend time with each and every day. And she hated how each false smile, orgasm and embrace she gave to Andre was a lie. Elle wasn't sure she could last. She couldn't see how marriage would work for them. Maybe, she had to just call off the engagement. But how? How was she going to do that? She would totally ruin the man. Her family, his family would feel shame towards her and probably despise her if they knew the truth towards her reason for wanting to break things off. That was another problem to consider. Would she admit why to Andre? Admit her affair? Because he would want to know, he would want to know why the woman he loved with all his heart wanted to ended things between them. And what excuse could she really fabricate without the truth?
Elle had to. Had to end things.
On that evening, she took the matter into hands. "Andre, I need to speak to you..."
I finished with a full stop, leaning back in my desktop chair as I reflected over the chunky bit of work, that I had written in 2 hours. It was now ten o'clock. My back ached a little and my legs begged for movement. Had her character finally admitted the truth? Had her character faced her demons that I could not do?
A gently sigh fled my lips as I switched the monitor off and sat in darkness. I was just so confused. Nick clearly wasn't returning tonight...or maybe ever? And despite how horrid the situation went; it was relieving to know I had admitted at least something to him even if it was half of the truth.
THANK YOU FOR READING! AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE! I'VE BEEN SO BUSY LATELY SO I DO APOLOGIES FOR THE SLOW UPDATES! IF YOU ENJOYED, PLEASE VOTE, COMMENT AND SHARE! IT LET'S ME KNOW YOU'RE ENJOYING THE STORY!