Lauren's guard was let down as waves of tender feelings lapped over the walls surrounding her heart. The feelings flooded through and spilled through every crack. It frightened Lauren to the point of no return, she could possibly fall in love with the girl that stood before her. Her heart pounded hard and thudded audibly in her chest. And for the first time in her life, she saw Camila in a new light, not the goofy little sister or her trusted companion. A new attraction formed and the world was stopped moving. And she felt like she was floating in midair. And the only thing that kept her from drifting away was those sweetly sexy brown eyes. The brown eyes that held the emerald ones captive, connected by some invisible physical force.
Their date lasted till early morning. Her body was tired from the long day, but her mind circled and paced, without any sense of real direction. As she plugged her cell phone into its charger, Lauren considered a quick run before she turned in. Something physical, she thought, to take the edge off these new complex feelings that suddenly hit harder than the bus that hit Regina George. The detail that Camila incorporated into every aspect of their time together was enough to make Lauren endlessly smile. Her stomach continually jumped in quick little rabbit hops with the thought.
She changed into a comfortable t-shirt and grey sweats then headed to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. It was the right thing to do, this casual dating. Camila held too important a place in her life, played too intricate a part, to rush this change between them. It was Camila. Thoughtful and funny, smart and endearing Camila Cabello. All these years, Lauren mused, she'd never consider their relationship past the boundary of friendship. Now that they've torn down the restrictions, Lauren felt like she wanted her more than what she had anticipated. Impulse was great; Lauren was a fan of acting on impulse. But not when it came to someone who mattered as much as the younger one did, and on so many complicated levels. Slow and sensible, she had to remind herself.
Lauren felt like she needed help sorting through what she felt and the best person to aide her was the woman that understood the green-eyed beauty more than she sometimes understood herself. Lauren grabbed her cell phone and dialed the person she trusted with something this important.
"Hello?," Camila's mother answered on the second ring. A smile came over Lauren's face as she heard the joy in Sinu's voice.
"Hola, Mami Sinu" Lauren replied, she automatically felt at ease hearing the sound of her voice. Sinu had played an integral part in raising Lauren and was more of a mother figure more than her own biological mother.
"Mi querida, como te va?" Sinu questioned affectionately.
Lauren blew out an exasperated sigh into the phone. "Muy bien...I guess..."
"Uh oh... I know that tone. What's bothering you? Is it school? "
She hesitated for a split second. "No," Lauren stalled.
"You know, Camila already told me about the both of you," blonde-haired women spoke slowly putting emphasis on the 'you'.
Several beats of silence stretched between them before Lauren replied in a voice that was soft, almost toneless. "What.. what did she say?" she stammered.
Sinu lightly chuckled. "She called yesterday saying that she was taking you out on a date and that she had feelings for you. Romantic feelings. Aye, me sorprendió. It caught me off guard but I did give her my support. The last thing I want is for Camila to feel reproach or judgement from me." Sinu sighed. "Yes, I need to adjust to the whole idea but I do trust you with my daughter."
There was a noticeable pause on the other end. "Mami Sinu, this is all really new to me as well..." She tried to think of how to describe what she felt; Lauren thought of the feeling of when the ocean surf pulled back, hard enough to take her legs out from underneath her. She thought of the huge of gravity just as the plane's wheels come off from the ground. Lauren tried to put her thoughts into words but failed miserably.
"Mi hija,escúchame," Sinu replied. "Each day means a whole new twenty-four hours to make new moments and to have new experiences. You have to live in the moment and not get so caught up on what the future may bring. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Live in the now, mi hijita. If Mila makes you happy, why not try something new?"
Lauren carried the phone back to the window and gazed up at the flickering patterns made by the sun in the trees. One thought replayed in Lauren's head, sat beneath the surface waiting to be asked. "I don't think I'm not enough for her," Lauren wondered aloud, insecurity plagued her thoughts. "I mean, the way she looks at me... she looks at me like... I'm on this pedestal. And that's an incredible amount of pressure. I just don't feel like I'll ever be enough."
"She's not looking for you to be enough," Sinu replied in a gentle voice. "She sees everything you truly are and won't let you settle for being anything less. She looks at you like you're extraordinary because you are, Lauren. She's just waiting for you to believe it."
"But I'm not..." Lauren heard the way her voice cracked in that. As much as it annoyed her, once again Lauren's insecurities bubbled to the surface, the one thing that kept her from delving into the unknown territory of the new relationship. The issue of not being enough haunted her. The constant thought that maybe she deserved to be alone, that every important walked out of her life, that she was undeserving of Camila.
"Your inability to digest a compliment worries me," Sinu said, breaking Lauren away from her self-deprecating thoughts. "If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago."
"You're right," Lauren agreed. The subject depleted Lauren of all her energy. Her whole body felt stiff and heavy, her movements leaden.
"Mike and Clara were over for dinner the other night. They told me that they never hear from you," Sinu stated. "Perhaps speaking to them, having an honest conversation about the way they've treated you and your feelings on the matter will give you some clarity in your relationships going forward."
Lauren snorted. "Al perro que duerme, no lo despiertes (Let sleeping dogs lie). My parents are set in their ways. My father is a chauvinistic pig who believes all women are inferior and that their only goal in life should be to get married and have children." Lauren's chest expanded as she took a deep breath. "We have nothing in common. He doesn't believe that I could make it as a doctor. What kind of father doesn't encourage their own child? He always said that female doctors are useless because they are too emotional and don't think with logic," she said incredulously. "I can be just as successful as any man and I shouldn't have to shrink my abilities in order to appeal to theirs. The fact that I got into Harvard when my own father couldn't proves enough. Why should I try to resolve things if I know my parents will never change their ideals? Why hurt myself in the process when I could just avoid them?"
Speaking about her parents caused Lauren's chest to tighten. She thought of her father's nightly drunken rants where he cursed God above for taking his only son and leaving him with a daughter. She's just a girl, he would scream, his angry voice rattled the walls of their home. Mike was never physically abusive, but he had been emotionally abusive towards Lauren, and his words cut like a knife. It wasn't always what he said that was the worst part; it was the rejection in his gaze, and the cold quiet that usually followed his disappointment in her. They were biologically connected, but emotionally they were as distant as two people could be. Clara tried to act as a buffer between them but at the end of the day, she supported her husband and remained in his shadow.
Lauren bit the inside of her cheek as she stared a hole into the wall. "They aren't apart of my life anymore and I don't see the need to rehash the past. I'm ready to move on and my relationship with my parents shouldn't affect Camila. I won't let it," she retorted, trying to keep her irritation from showing in her voice.
"Lolo, it will." Sinu countered. "All your feelings of rejection and insecurity, and anger- they are all hidden beneath surface and waiting to infiltrate your current relationships. Those unresolved feelings will cause the relationship between you and Mila to be toxic. I love you like you are my own child so please heed my advice, mi hija. Mila has always been so tender-hearted, especially with you. I just don't want you to hurt my baby girl."
Her chest tightened, the finality of Sinu's words bringing up some deep seeded anger. What Sinu said was true but it was still painful to hear it said aloud. "I'd never hurt her. Never."
"Hurting people often hurt people as a result of their own unresolved pain. You could be the best thing for my daughter. But you also have the ability to destroy her and that thought alone terrifies me," Sinu said quietly.
A small silence fell between. Lauren closed her eyes briefly, feeling sick. A tickle caught at her throat and her eyes blurred with unwanted tears. She quickly brushed them away in an irritated fashion. She was tired of being emotional over this topic. Lauren had to prove to herself that she was capable to having a healthy relationship. I'm normal. I'm not hurt. I'm fine, she told herself.
She smoothed an imaginary stray hair back into her bun and changed the subject. "Mami, I'm exhausted. My bed is calling." She knew that it was a cheap escape but she didn't want to discuss the topic further.
"Mi querida, take care of yourself, okay? Your heart has experienced a lot of hurt but that is why the heart is made of muscle. It's made to withstand the deepest of wounds yet still have space to carry chambers of love. I admire your heart for that."
Lauren paused as she absorbed Sinu's words. "I'll try my hardest to get better," she whispered sincerely.
"I know you will, mi hijita. I love you."
"I love you too," Lauren muttered back as she headed to bed.
She ended the phone call once Sinu said her goodbyes. She laid on her back, closed her eyes against the rising sun and began to drift into a deep slumber. Camila invaded Lauren's thoughts- her body, her eyes, her smile. I could fall in love with her, if I let myself fall, was her last thought before she slipped away into slumber.
-------
Lauren awoke with a gasp and bolted upright in bed. Then, as the slow, dizzying fog of slumber began to lift, she relaxed against her headboard and glanced at the digital clock beside her that said 5pm. Shit, she whispered beneath her breath. She had so many things to and she wasted her only free day by sleeping. Camila must be doing the same or she would've woken me up, Lauren thought. She jumped out of bed and crossed the hall towards the younger one's room. Lauren pushed Camila's door open one quiet inch at a time, before slipping inside.
There she was, sprawled on her belly across the twin bed with one arm dangling off the side of the mattress. Lauren couldn't help but smile, Camila was a wild sleeper and some things never changed. Her long, chestnut locks of hair swept over her eyes, and she'd curled one leg oqut from beneath the comforter. Her face looked so childlike and serene as her thick lashes cast shadows against the curve of her cheekbones. She looked so peaceful, and Lauren felt a little tug at her stomach. Sometimes the sight of Camila's face made her breath catch, even after all these years. I could fall in love with her, if I let myself fall.
Lauren knew she should return to her room and begin to tackle those anatomy books but instead, she crouched down and knelt on the wood floor beside Camila's bed to watch her sleep. Before long, Lauren realized she'd unconsciously matched her breathing to Camila's melodic, slow rhythm. She leaned forward and pressed her cheek lightly against the smaller one's shoulder and closed her eyes to savor her warmth, her lavender smell. She slid her own hand across the sheet, just close enough that their fingers lightly touched. Using one finger to lift a section of hair away from Camila's face, Lauren cupped the smaller one's cheek in her palm, smiling at the silky smoothness against her skin.
Camila's eyes blinked open at Lauren's touch. "This is isn't going to become one of those creepy situations where you show up at all hours of the night to watch me sleep, is it?" she mumbled, her voice heavy with sleep.
Lauren's quiet laughter shook the mattress. "Yes, I know I'm being a total creeper right now."
Camila rolled onto her back and stretched her body like a lean tomcat, as her shirt rose to show off her lean torso. Lauren found it took far more willpower than she thought it would to keep herself from skimming the surface of the younger one's toned skin. Camila rested one arm behind her head and blinked at Lauren with dark, sleepy eyes. Her eyes were always earthy, warm and rich with affection. "Well, are you going to stay on floor or cuddle with me?" she asked softly, her voice was smoky.
A shadow of a smile crossed Lauren's lips as she lifted the covers and snuggled in beside the smaller one. Camila curled against Lauren's side with her head pillowed on her shoulder. The smaller one snaked her arms around Lauren's waist and tangled their legs together. Being wrapped in her arms felt safe, felt like home.
"You know we have to meet up with Ally and Dinah in an hour, right?" Lauren said, stroking Camila's temple.
"No. I don't want to. I just want to stay here with you," Camila whined in a baby tone as she gripped Lauren by the waist and curled in closer.
"But we have to learn this venipuncture skill by Monday," Lauren countered while trailing her hand up and down the brunette's back.
"Ugh fine," she groaned, whipping her thick hair behind her right shoulder. "But I want a few minutes to just lay here with you. Just give me five more minutes." Camila shut her eyes as she ran her fingers over Lauren's bare arms while Lauren played idly with the ends of the younger one's hair.
Several minutes passed without a sound or movement, just the gentle thud of heartbeats. Without warning, Camila lifted her index finger and began to softly trace words into the center of Lauren's chest, the space right over her heart.
Lauren shivered beneath the younger one's touch and felt her insides ignite whenever Camilla touched her. "Wh-what are you writing?'" Lauren curiously inquired, her broken breathing fractured the silence. It was an intimate move that sent goosebumps shooting over her skin as she indulged in thoughts of those hands sliding all over her body. Part of her wanted to stop Camila, but her breath caught in her throat as Camila's fingers continued to engrave words on her heart.
A fuzzy smile drifted across Camila's face, the corners of her mouth curved up in the most adorable way. "A poem," she answered as she continued writing. "You inspired it."
Lauren's brow rose automatically. "What does your poem say?" Lauren traced the smaller one's jaw and put the tip of her finger under Camila's chin.
Camila paused as her wide, guileless eyes clashed with the viridescent green orbs. She studied Lauren for a beat and then leaned in closer, their noses inches apart. Until she could see every fleck of green in her teal emerald eyes. "I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you, (Kierstin White)" Camila said, voice soften to a velvety purr.
Lauren was unnerved by the instant fluttering in her stomach and humming excitement in her veins. The look Camila wore was filled with unmitigated love. For her. And that sucked up every last bit of air Lauren had on reserve. What did she do to deserve this girl who loved every single beat of her tattered heart.
Slowly she reached for Camila, letting her fingers delve through her heavy locks of hair. She stroked her way down to the nape of Camila's neck and closed the spaced between them. "You will always have me. Always," Lauren said, surprised to discover that her voice was scratchy and her eyes were blurred.
Camila said nothing. She didn't have to. The truth was suspended in their shared gaze, between them, filling their lungs with every breath. Her eyelids drifted shut as Lauren lightly brushed her lips against her own. Then Lauren moved in an agonizingly slow trail down the side of Camila's face, kissing her temple, her cheek, the edge of her jaw, finally lingering at her earlobe. Lauren bent her head to nuzzle Camila's ear, her warm breath tickled the space between them. Lauren's tongue flicked out, lazily played with her earlobe before she caught it between her teeth and sensuously nipped at it. Camila gasped and bit her bottom lip to stifle a moan. She went weak and molded to the taller one's chest, unable to get close enough.
The metallic shrill of the doorbell cut through their apartment. and interrupted their moment. "LOLO, MILA!" Dinah screamed at the top of her lungs, peering through the windows. "You'd better not stand us up or I'm gonna venipuncture your faces."
"I baked cookies," Ally added in a shrill tone.
They both groaned inwardly as Lauren tore herself away. "We are finishing this later, okay?" Camila muttered to the older one.
Lauren paused and inclined her head, and the red-painted lips pursed the faintest bit into a wicked, knowing smile. "Maybe," she replied, her lids dropped seductively, exaggerating the tilt.
"ARE YOU GUYS SCISSORING IN THERE?" Dinah yelled as she continued to ransack the door. "LEMME SEE!"
Camila burst into a fit of giggles while she started to gather her study materials.
"That girl is the craziest person I've ever met", Lauren said as she left the bedroom and stepped into the hallway. She closed the door behind her, then paused for a moment, leaned her head against the wall as her mouth quirked with a smile. She felt as if a storm had entered the room and tossed her around. Her heart was still pounding, and her muscles felt like spaghetti noodles. She decided if she were any happier, little pink hearts and singing bluebirds would shoot out her fingertips. I think I'm falling, she thought, let yourself fall. She'll catch you.
------
It was early Monday morning, the campus still dressed with mist. A handful students quietly dispersed to their classes, careful not to disrupt the almost serene atmosphere. Lauren and Camila had been studying together, sat on a grassy place beside Gordon Hall. It was early fall. The cherry trees were past full bloom, and tiny pink blossoms floated randomly to the ground. Both ladies had books and note cards scattered between them as they focused on the task at hand. The course was Physical Diagnostic- a study of the knowledge and skills essential for performing a medical history and physical examination. They memorized The Merck Manual, which had every kind of bizarre illness that ever existed. The more they studied, the more they developed the common first year student's disorder called Nosophobia- the fear of diseases.
"Lauren, you've got to help me." The older Miami native looked up to see an uncharacteristically disheveled Camila with terror in her eyes. The younger one's hair curled around her face in soft, chestnut ringlets that brushed against her shoulders.
Lauren frowned at the misery in her dark eyes. "What happened? What's wrong?" she said, inching herself closer to the younger one.
"I have breast cancer," Camila whispered plaintively, the color had faded from her cheeks, "I need a double mastectomy."
"What?" Lauren exclaimed, her lips curled into a sly smile. "Come on Camz... you're being paranoid..." she said with a laugh.
She rolled her eyes dramatically and cut Lauren off. "No, I'm not," Camila countered while she poked out her bottom lip and furrowed her brow. "I thought I felt something in the shower this morning. It was a lump and now as I'm reading this chapter, all of the symptoms line up. I've got every symptom in this damn textbook." Camila grabbed her boobs. "These little shits have failed me."
"Camz, your breasts are fine. They look pretty healthy to me," Lauren replied in a flirty tone, a grin curved her red lips before she could stop herself.
Camila instantly felt the warmth of embarrassment rise to her cheeks as it turned a soft shade of crimson. Nothing could prepare her for the way she felt when Lauren flirted with her. Camila lowered her head and ignored Lauren's comment, she was dead set against giving her the satisfaction of knowing just how flustered she really was. "Oh my God, I can't believe I'm dying," Camila mumbled beneath her breath.
Lauren shook her head, rueful amusement flickering in her emerald eyes. "I can give you a pretty thorough breast exam if you'd like," she arched one brow and taunted Camila by reaching out to tug on the strap of her bra.
The smaller one swatted Lauren's hands away. She lowered her head and played idly with her hands. It was a restless gesture, the kind of thing a person did to fill up an awkward moment. "Laur, I'm being serious!" She crossed her arms, smiling to cover her discomfort.
"Babe," Lauren wrinkled her nose to try to stifle a laugh. "We all have little lumps every now and then and they are almost always benign."
Camila flopped back onto the grass. "I guess you're right," Camila agreed, "But I'll check up with my doctor to be sure."
"There's an epidemic in our whole class and the craziest part is that no two people have the same complaint." Lauren lay down beside Camila with her head supported on one hand. The sunlight caught in her eyes and illuminated streaks of light greens around her iris."For example, Ally called me yesterday saying that she's suffering from endometrioma. She cried like a baby because she thought she needed a hysterectomy. I spent an hour on the phone with Als trying to calm her down. This nosophobia craze has made everybody in this damn class a hypochondriac." She gave a exasperated sigh.
Camila turned toward the green-eyed student and shot her a skeptical glance. "Says the one who went to Health Services because you thought you were having symptoms of silicotuberculosis."
The older one frowned. "Hey! I had reasons to be legitimately concerned," Lauren pouted. "I had a little bit of wheezing and some fatigue with..."
Camila's brows lowered. "Lo, there has only been two reported cases of silicotuberculosis."
"I could've been the third," the older one whined in a babyish tone, bit that pouty lower lip and glanced at Camila through her lashes. Lauren rested her chin in her palm and smiled with a faraway look in her eyes. She had an easygoing charm that the smaller one could not resist. As Lauren's gaze met hers, Camila felt a familiar rush of adrenaline. The green-eyed beauty always had the ability to unsettle her, to make her feel off balance, dizzy, her heart beating too fast, couldn't catch up with her own thoughts. She is so damn beautiful, Camila thought to herself as she couldn't help herself from staring at Lauren.
Camila studied her, her expression turned inscrutable. "You make me so happy," she whispered. Camila pressed their palms together, comparing the lengths of their fingers. She lightly toyed with Lauren's slender fingers before she intertwined them with her own. She smoothed her thumb over each of the older one's pink nails. Camila tilted her face towards the green-eyed beauty and closed the space between them. "Be with me," Camila murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. A pink cherry blossom petal landed on Lauren's cheek. Camila brushed it away, and at the contact, the older one shivered.
Lauren blinked in astonishment. "Be with you?" she repeated with curiosity curdled in her voice.
Camila chewed slowly on her lower lip. "I want this," her dark eyes gleamed as she pointed between them. "This is where you belong. With me. And I know you can't promise me forever. I know you can't promise me happiness." Camila pulled Lauren closer, tilted her chin up towards hers. "But promise me that someday you'll love me like I love you. And I promise I'll wait forever to see that day."
Camila's hands began to tremble as they rested against the older one's chin. She wanted all of Lauren. The highs and the lows. She wanted to be able to reach into the darkest places of her soul. Camila was fascinated by her vulnerability, by the way her smile never quite reached her eyes. She wanted to hold her until all the wary tension was gone and Lauren was soft and satiated in her arms. Her fingertips twitched-actually twitched-aching to skim across her silky, porcelain skin. She needed Lauren, a need so intense that it made her feel incredibly weak. It was a deep attraction that seemed to gather momentum from the weight of each second she spent with her. Lauren remained still and pensive.
A distant expression appeared on her face. "I should work on healing before I prom-" She broke off with an impatient shake of her head. The devastated look in Camila's eyes shattered something inside of her. "Never-mind. I- I want the same things you want, Camz." Lauren gave her the most determined look she could scrounge up.
"Are you sure?" Camila questioned, a desolate note entered her voice. She lowered her lashes until they clashed against her cheeks and slowly raised them again, like a theater curtain.
Lauren looked at her, into her it seemed. Using both hands, Lauren turned her face up and brushed a slow, soft kiss against Camila's lips. Kissing Lauren was different than her experiences with any other guy-not a dull, mechanical exchange of tongues or a stepping stone to second base. With Lauren, she felt that kiss deep inside her chest, as if her lungs were balloons inflating bigger and bigger, until they might pop. Brushing her lips against the older one's soft lips back and forth, Camila was amazed at how alive the simple contact felt, how every last little experience was more vibrant with Lauren. The kiss deepened, and dazzling colors began swirling in her head.
"I want this," Lauren muttered, as her lips parted on a deep shuddering breath and her eyes shuttered open.
"I love you" Camila muttered against Lauren's hair. "I love you so much." As soon as those words slipped, Camila felt exposed, like she had shared something too personal, too intrinsic, and it alarmed her that she didn't regret it. She wasn't sure she could stop herself from saying even more in the irresistible urge to get closer to Lauren.
Lauren pulled away as she struggled to moderate her own breathing. Fresh tears swam in her eyes as she blinked furiously to keep them from falling. "One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple and uncomplicated. One day, I'll be able to describe what you mean to me."
A/N- HEY GUYS! Thanks for reading yet another chapter of AoL. Can I just say that the amount of encouraging messages you all about AoL always makes me smile. You readers are literaly the sweetest people ever. And if you ever need anyone to talk to, I am not the one! JK... My account is ellej96.tumblr.com
So the plot will start to move a bit quicker in the next couple of chapters. Embrace the fluff while we have it ;)