Eva had named her Lillian in honour of the lily flower.
She could still recall, with perfect clarity, the very first time she’d held her baby girl after the nurse was done cleansing her. Eva could still feel the wrapped-up, cocooned bundle of life and bliss nestled into the crook of her arms, against the skin of her chest.
Eva had always had this unexplainable want to name her child after a flower, something delicate yet beautiful, something that added to the colour of this world. She’d been debating from Rose, to Daisy, and then from Primrose, to Jasmine.
But there’d been something in the heartbeat that her baby girl’s eyes had met her own. Something in the very first touch of her fingertips against her child’s tiny, tiny form. Something in the cradle of her baby in her own arms.
So fragile. So pure. So, so innocent. Like a lily.
And Eva had given her the name Lillian— Lillian Dyer. She could only be so thankful that Vincent had been in a good enough mood to agree, rather than try to pick a fight on how he should be the one choosing to name their daughter.
Looking at the sleeping baby in her arms right then, Eva felt the same rush of emotion she had two months ago in the hospital room, right after she’d brought a life into this world. She didn’t know what it was—there was an ocean of emotions that came flooding towards her. She swam through them, trying to separate one from the other, trying to put a name to at least one of the waves that kept crashing into her insides.
Terror. That was the one she felt the most. It was as heightened as the love she felt for Lillian—and she supposed they went hand in hand. Eva only felt that terrified because she’d never known this kind of love—she’d never known she herself had a capacity of such an insane depth.
She couldn’t remember being on the receiving end of this love—so how was it that she could feel it? How did Eva feel something that was never shown towards her? How did Eva know to love this way when she’d never been taught it? It didn’t make sense. Her love for Lillian came as naturally as the Sun rose in the east and sunk in the west. It didn’t make sense. Eva couldn’t love this much, could she? And yet she did. Oh god, she did.
Eva settled further back against her bed, not even daring to put her baby down, but holding her as close as possible to her body, allowing the tiny form to rest against her chest, to use her bosom as a pillow. Eva held Lillian as close as humanly possible, yet somehow also knowing to not squeeze and be gentle with her grip.
Was this how ma had felt when Eva was born? Had she held Eva close and never let go when she slept? Had she cradled Eva to her chest and sang little lullabies in an off-key tune? Had she rubbed the tip of her nose against Eva’s cheeks? Had she traced her pinky along Eva’s tiny, tiny fingers? Had she felt this boundless kind of love that felt so beautiful she was brought to tears because of it? Had she felt that knot in her throat? Had she felt this stupid, unreasonable need to cry and keep hugging a baby Eva?
And if it had been for Caroline just like it was now for Eva, then how did her mother just abandon her one day?
Eva remembered being sad, feeling forgotten and heartbroken for so, so long about her mother. But now, this moment on, there was only anger. Because Eva was a mother now—had been a mother ever since Lillian was formed in her belly—and she couldn’t even imagine a scenario in which she would choose to leave her baby girl behind.
Especially in the hands of someone like Vincent Dyer.
Vincent, who was a replica of the Logan Eva’s mother had married.
Caroline couldn’t have loved Eva this way, could she? She couldn’t have. There was no way someone who was loved as much as Lillian was by Eva could’ve been left behind.
There seemed to be no room for justification in Eva’s mind anymore. No more reasoning. No more what-ifs and maybes. She could no longer see forgiveness for her mother, and Eva was perfectly fine with that. Holding that grudge didn’t make her life any harder than it already was.
Eva breathed out softly and turned her cheek towards her baby girl, eyelids fluttering shut as she breathed in the scent that Lillian seemed to possess.
“I will never leave you,” she promised in a murmur, drifting off to sleep with Lillian in her arms. “I will never leave you behind.”
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Written on; 18th April 2019
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