( Johnny's POV )
I was kind of nervous about talking with Ponyboy. After my breakdown the other night, he'd been waiting for me to open up more, and that was obvious. I wanted to trust him more. I wanted to cry to him and tell him every single detail of my life before he came along, but I was terrified. What if he judged me? What if he saw how disgusting I really am?
On top of that, though, I know he had some things he was keeping in, too. If I talked to him, maybe he'd be able to trust me enough to open up to me. All I wanted was to comfort him. I didn't give a shit about me if he wasn't okay. His feelings, his thoughts, his everything meant more to me than anything else.
I knew today was the day. I kept trying to prepare myself, but in the end I knew I'd just have to dive into it, head first. Taking a shaky breath, I fixed my jacket and brought a shaky finger to the door bell. I heard the ring of it juggle from wall to wall inside of the house. Then, it sounded like two people rushing downstairs. "Stop it, it's for me!" Sodapop said frustratedly. There was some rustling.
"No, it isn't, Johnny's supposed to come!"
"Well so is Steve!" Sodapop was the one to make it to the door, a wide smile on his face. When he saw it was me, he sighed. "Hi, Johnny." He sounded a little disappointed, but it was almost hard to catch because of how chipper he still looked. He moved back so I could step in. Ponyboy was picking himself up from the ground, and I could only assume the two had been shoving each other. Of course Sodapop would win the strength war, though.
"I knew it was you!" He grabbed my hand and quickly tugged me upstairs with him. He shut his door behind us, moving to sit on the bed and grabbing my other hand as he looked up at me. "What'd you wanna talk about?" It was clear he was nervous, but trying not to show it.
"So..." I started, sitting beside him and taking a deep breath. He turned pale.
"Are you breaking up with me?"
"No! God, no, Pony, don't ever worry about that. I'm not going anywhere." He sighed in relief, nodding for me to continue. "So I know you've been wanting me to open up about things more and... I think I'm ready."
"We don't have to until you know you're ready, baby..." I shiver slightly at the nickname. I'm happy I was sitting down because I always go weak at the knees when he calls me that.
"I know I'm ready, I'm just trying to trust you... I don't want you to think differently of me..."
"There's nothing in this world that'll ever make me think differently of you. You could kill someone and I'd still think you were the best person in the world." I laughed a little, blushing.
"Stop, I'm being serious..."
"So am I." He didn't break his gaze for even a second, letting me know with a straight face that he meant it.
"Okay..." I took another deep breath, then gradually began telling him my story. My exes. My uncle. My parents. All of the bad. I told him how disgusting and worthless it all made me feel, and he sat with me and listened the whole time.
He told me how it wasn't me that was disgusting, but everyone else around me. He said that, to him, I was worth "the sun, the moon, and all the stars" in that silly "author type" way he always did. He always found ways to make things sound so much more important than anyone else ever could, at least to me. It seemed like he always made me speechless in the most random ways. He'd be laughing so hard he was snorting and I'd just have a moment where I had to stop everything and watch him because I thought he was so beautiful. He'd be telling a story and using all of those crazy hand gestures he always does when he gets worked up and I'd feel like I was in a dream.
And then, just like that, he was opening up to me. All he needed was a gentle push from me, and he was carefully explaining everything he'd been through, which was a lot more than anyone would've guessed from first glance. By the end of the talk, we were both crying and holding each other, and even though talking about this stuff was depressing and awful, experiencing it with him felt... right. I finally felt like it was okay to feel this way about these things, and he told me he felt the exact same.
Presently, we were laying down side by side. His fingers were combing through the back of his hair and mine were tracing shapes along his back. His eyes flickered up to mine for a moment, a smile crossing his face as he blushed and quickly looked down, sniffling a little.
"What?" I smiled widely, watching him. He shook his head, staying quiet. "Nuh uh, tell me, Mr."
"I just... Nuh uh. It's dumb." He whispered.
"Nothing is ever dumb with you... What is it?" There was a long silence. So long, in fact, that I thought maybe he really wasn't going to tell me. It kind of made me upset, but I didn't say anything. My fingers started playing with the back of his shirt, my eyes looking down so I couldn't see his face.
"I just never wanna leave here... I wanna stay with you forever..." He whispered finally, biting his lower lip. I looked up at him, silent for another second.
"Then do it." It came out as a heavy breath and I met his lips before he could respond. The kiss was slow and soft as I pulled him against my chest. When we pulled back, I pressed my nose up against his, giving him a little Eskimo kiss. Isn't that what they're called? I didn't know because I'd never received or given one until now.
Is this what having something good felt like?
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
WHY ARE THESE LAST TWO CHAPTERS SO SAPPY? GROSS. Anygay, I'm not going to brush past their issues and will shed light on them in my own way, eventually.
So to explain the things both of them have been through-
Johnny:
-He's been through physical and sexual abuse, obviously.
-His exes manipulated and abused him as well, sometimes physical but mostly mental/emotional. He doesn't trust, like... anyone.
-When his favorite Aunt died in a brutal car accident, he got told over and over by the rest of the family that it was his fault (she was on her way to pick him up and take him out for ice cream for his birthday). She was the only one in the family that was proud of him for anything.
-His father is a drunk and his mother sells herself for heroin and meth.
-He has a past of depression, anxiety, and self-harm.
Now, Ponyboy:
-His first and only boyfriend (before Johnny) was actually 28. He had just turned 13. The man manipulated him into thinking they were in love, then repeatedly took advantage of him. When the man got angry at him, he'd yell, throw things, and put Ponyboy through numerous punishments. Because of the man's anger, Ponyboy was too terrified to tell anyone, so he kept making excuses and lying about it all. The man finally got bored with him and left after six months. After about a year of trying to cope with it on his own, and failing miserably, he finally opened up to Sodapop, and with his brother's help has managed to find a way to make friends, get close to people, and engage in writing again.
-Shortly after his father died, his mother started abusing pain pills. It started with the ones she was prescribed, then progressed until she was making up injuries to get prescribed more, and stealing from any friends or family members that she could. Every penny she earns goes to buying more pills off of the street. She tries to hide it, but everyone already knows. She refuses to admit that she's got a problem and lashes out at anyone who calls her out on it.
-When he told his family that he liked boys, they all shut him out. He's just recently been accepted by his brothers and his mother, but the rest of his family refuses to associate with any of them at this point in time.
-He has an eating disorder, but hasn't ever admitted his struggles with food to anyone. Telling Johnny this was one of the hardest things, because now someone knows.