After we both had calmed down I led Jimin to my room. I grasped his hand lightly. It still feels so surreal that he's here. That he's by my side right at this very moment. I've longed for this for so long. However, when I should be feeling extremely happy and relieved, I'm worried and anxious.
He's clearly not been doing well, but me on the other hand... I've been doing great. That's what makes me anxious. I've been living so comfortably and I've been happy since I've gotten here. He looks like he's been tortured and tormented since I left.
I've even had my heart beat fast for another person. I've never been so conflicted with myself. I'm disgusted... I'm ashamed. I told him I'd wait for him no matter how long, yet here I was getting all too close with Jungkook.
I slowly pushed open the door to my room as I led us to the bed. I plopped myself down and patted the spot next to me. Jimin was really quiet. He looked just as nervous as I did. He hesitantly sat next to me as I angled towards him.
We could only manage to stare at each other. We were both scared to talk. Every now and then our glances left each other and wondered around the room.
I have to say something. I don't feel right if I'm not the one to start, "I'm sorry!" my words came out as a shout as I shot my head down, bowing to apologize.
He scoffed a bit, "Sorry for what?".
"I- Jimin I think I fell for Jungkook." my heart dropped to my stomach.
Jimin looked upset, but not surprised. Which only made me more nervous. "Did- did you know?".
"I saw you guys earlier... near the park. You were laughing and holding hands. You looked happy. Calm." he smiled softly, "You know Hana, that's all I could ever want for you. Is for you to be happy. For you to be smiling." he sighed, "It hurt like hell to see, but what can I do? I never took the time to properly put you first. To put your heart first. I took you for granted..." his voice hitched.
Tears began to form all over again, "No. You never took me granted, or I've at least never felt that way. You've made me happy, you've made me smile..." the tears fell slowly.
Jimin's hands went up to embrace my face. He watched me carefully as he wiped away each tear, "Hana, you're not happy right now. Your not smiling... every time I'm with you, you end up crying. I've mentally damaged you so much." he leaned my forehead in as he laid his against mine, letting our foreheads touch.
He gulped harshly, "I want you to be happy... and I know you're unhappy when you're with me.".
I pulled our foreheads apart, standing with my anger, "You're wrong! You've never made me unhappy! How many times do I have to tell you?!" he always says things like this.
"Hana-" I cut him off.
"No! You listen to me! Stop it! You're being selfish. You- your always putting yourself to blame. Stop! I'm to blame too! I put myself in this situation. I fell in love with you, I just wanted you to only think of me, to only love and cherish me. I was stupid and selfish! I didn't stop to think how you were feeling, before it was too late. I hurt myself! You didn't do this to me! I did this to me!" I completely broke down.
He slowly raised from the bed and embraced me tightly, "Shhh..." he continued to stroke my hair until my crying ceased slightly.
"Hana Kim, I love you more than anything in this world. I can now finally say it because I finally let Chae go. For you I let her go because I need you, I need your warmth. For months I craved and longed to see you by my side again." he once again pressed our foreheads together, "I know I've made you wait and I'm terribly sorry. I should've gotten myself together sooner. I should've realized what I truly had sooner, but now that I have you here, I don't intend to ever let you go again." he seemed so desperate.
We slowly made eye contact, "Can you promise just one more thing for me?" he called out.
I hummed in response.
"Only love me... ever." he closed his eyes, "I get that you have to resolve things with Jungkook... I get that that's already something you've broken, but I don't care. Just from now on, only look at me." he seemed even more desperate.
Again tears began to fall. So many thoughts rushed into my head. How was I gonna explain everything to Jungkook? He didn't even know anything about Jimin, about my situation. This was going to be extremely hard... what have I gotten myself into?
✎...
Jimin had kept me company for a little while after our conversation. I was truly happy to be spending time with him. We laid side by side staring up at the ceiling, just talking with each other. My mind however couldn't stop drifting back to Jungkook. He probably hates me... I deserve the hatred. It only seems as if I've solely led him on, but that was never my intent.
"Jimin, what if I can't keep that promise? What if I can't get Jungkook out of my head?" I stayed staring off at the ceiling.
He stayed silent for a little while. I'm probably making him so miserable, "Try. I don't want to lose you Hana. I never ever thought I could possible end up being replaced." he sighed turning to face me on the bed, his face rested on his arm.
I followed turning towards him, "Is that why you claimed to take me for granted?" I sighed, slowly lessening the distance between us.
"Mhmmm." he hummed, "I thought there would be no way in hell of losing you. If I'm being honest, I assumed you'd never have the guts to leave me, or to even find someone else for that matter. I thought I had such a grip on you that would make you never want to leave, but In turn, I only ended up pushing you away." his eyes glistened as he stared at me, his eyes never leaving mine, "That's something I regret. I regret not cherishing you the proper way, of seeing you of some kind of belonging. It wasn't right of me." he took his hand and brushed a strand of my hair behind my ears, "But don't think I didn't love you. I'm not saying I only ever viewed you as on object. That's far from the truth. I viewed you as my soulmate, one that only belonged to me." he smiled softly.
For the moment Jungkook left my mind, "I see. If I come back, you promise to cherish me correctly?" I raised a brow.
"I'm cherishing you correctly right now. I did something I should've done months ago, even a year ago. I'm committing myself to only you. No more thoughts of Chae. You are the reason I live and breathe now. Without you, who knows where I would've been. I could've been dead for all I know." he pouted his lips giving me a child like expression, "I was dumb... dumb to let precious moments with you slip because I was scared to commit, because I was scared to love." his eyes softened, "I wasted lots of valuable time Hana, and I only realized just how much I wasted when you left." I seemingly nodded my head agreeing with his statement.
"We fought so often, all because I didn't put you first. Something a man needs to do when he's in a relationship. From this day fourth, I promise you with all my being, that I'll only see you. That I'll only love and cherish you. That I will be the man I should've always been because you mean the world to me and I can't imagine myself without you. Though it seems cliché, you made me who I am today... without you, there is no me Hana." he smiled and kissed my cheek delicately.
I could feel my eyes begin to sting. He's never been so sentimental with me before. This was the right thing to do. I don't regret leaving him that day because now he finally understands. I finally come first, like how I've always put him.
I truly hope that he's really come to this realization and he's not tricking himself. It's happened before and it could happen again. He tricked his mind into thinking he had moved on, when in reality his heart hadn't. I hope I'm not letting him back in too easily. It's only been 3 months after all. I couldn't help but to feel a bit uneasy. I even began to hyperventilate a bit. I was anxious... scared of the future. Scared that maybe he really isn't healed after all.
"Baby, what's wrong?" as he spoke, my thoughts stopped being produced.
"I- Jimin... what if you're really not healed yet? What if you only think you are and you end up leaving me?" I couldn't help but to let the tears fall. I'm scared. Scared to think of what could happen.
"Aissh, seriously?" he hissed out, "Hana- stop worrying about the future and live for now." he raised himself, "I can say I'm sure that I need you in my life. Even if I'm not fully healed like I may believe, I know that I will always try for you. I honestly couldn't find myself ever leaving your side. You're like my drug." he pressed a kiss onto my forehead.
"You promise?" my voiced hitched.
"I promise you Hana Kim that I will forever find myself trying my best for you. You are my motivation." he smiled.
My heart felt tingly. It's been a while since Jimin's made me feel like this... "Kiss me." I demanded.
With that my wish was his command. He slowly brought his lips to touch mine. I've missed the sensation Jimin's lips carried. I've missed how they've felt mingled with mine. With this kiss the world felt like it stopped spinning.
More tears continued to fall and as he felt his face dampen, he pulled away, "I love you." he smiled softly as he slowly wiped my tears away.