Te Amo l Chapter 9: Without You l Spain
Waking up in the morning doesn’t feel right anymore. There’s this crushing feeling of desperation and loneliness that freezes my skin like a sudden cold chill. Only, it’s not sudden anymore.
He’s gone. He’s been gone. He left and I didn’t do anything to stop him. I just stood there and watched. Why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I go after him?
I angrily ruffle my hair as the sweat of this hot, summer air hits my skin. Really, the only reason I am even forced to get up anymore is so that I can cool myself down again. I have to let him go, yet my heart doesn’t want to. My heart burns for his touch. Just to see him would be enough. Yet, I know it’s not going to happen for a long time.
Somehow I manage to get myself out of bed enough so that I can run a cool pool of water from the sink slide down my face. I feel relieved for a moment, but as soon as I close my eyes again I imagine his fingertips roaming where the water now drips from. Did we really used to be that close? It seems like so long ago now…
“Spain, get your ass in here!” Prussia yells from the living room. His voice is so annoying right now. Why did I tell him he can use my house freely? I feel so stupid…
“I’ll be right there!” I yell back at him as I look at myself again in the mirror.
My whole face is a mask. When I’m smiling and concentrated on something no one else can see it, but the lines of worry and the bags under my eyes show the depression I am in. Only I notice. Only I see. And that’s the way it has to be. That’s the way I want it to be.
I can’t have others- even Romano- being worried about my illness, or about how depressed I am about Romano leaving me. That’s my own problem. I can’t bring this upon others. This is something I must deal with myself.
I turn off the faucet and gently pat my face with a hand towel that is by the bathroom sink. I smile to cover my features, though I know it is fake. How can they not see it?
Regardless, I step out into the hall and walk towards the living room- still in my white, matching pajamas. There’s no need for me to change for Prussia. After all, this was my house and he was the one coming in uninvited.
“What is it?” I ask as I look over at him. I yawn, still tired even though it is about noon now.
I rub my eyes, and he points towards the doorway. “Francis is coming through, of course, and I think I saw another visitor arriving too.”
“Another visitor?” I rub my eyes and tilt my head. Who would come to visit me besides these two? My boss isn’t meant to visit until the end of the summer…
Prussia nods. “I haven’t seen the brat in a long time… He must miss you, Spanish bastard~” He mocked, ending his sentence with his typical, loud, and annoying, laugh.
My eyes open wide as I look at the doorway. It couldn’t be…
First comes in France with a gentle wave as he flips his hair in the sunlight. “It’s a pleasure to get such an unexpected visit from moi, don’t you think?”
But my eyes are not focused on him. I am only focused on the next person who appears in the doorway: an Italian boy with his eyebrows furrowed into a scowl and his arms crossed over his chest. “Seriously, bastard-o! You can’t even think to meet me at the train station or answer a text when I send it?! You Spanish bastards are the worst!”
“Romano!” I am too overjoyed to take in his words. I rush past France, who mutters something under his breath and scoffs at me, and stand in front of Romano, whose eyes are casted away from me.
“Who else would I be, moron?!” He answers back in that smart-alec tone.
I am completely and totally surprised. I open my mouth to say something back, but I just end up closing it again as the tears run down my cheeks. I wrap both arms around him and squeeze him in a tight hug.
He tries to resist, but he is too shaken up to refuse. He probably doesn’t know what to say now that I’m crying. He never has done well with such emotions. “S-Spain! You’re crushing me!”
I just hold him there, and he eventually just lets me. He lets out a sigh as he stands there, wondering when I’m going to let go. Honestly, I wish I didn’t have to, but I know it can’t be like this forever. I know he has to leave. I know he has to go soon. So, with a sad look in my eyes, I loosen my grip and turn away. “I apologize, hermano.”
“I’m not your damn brother!” He scoffs as he balls his hands into fists.
“Sorry…” I look down. Now he is the one demanding answers from me, and I am the one looking away. “I don’t know what else to call you…”
“My name is Romano.” He hits me gently on the head. “Forget it already, fucking idiot?”
My eyes begin to water. Of course I am not done crying yet. The tears have only ceased for the moment. “How could I forget you?”
France and Prussia say something to the both of us and exit the room at this time. I barely recognize their presence leaving. I am already pre-occupied.
Romano doesn’t say anything. He just stands with his hands shaking, his face turned away again. His cheeks are turning pink, just like the way they always did before when I called him a cute nickname.
I hold back my tears. There’s no way I can let him see me cry. After all, he’s the one that’s been through all that pain. I owe him that much. I look at him fully, taking in his features. “Romano… why did you come here?”
He opens his mouth to speak, but he shuts it again quickly. He shakes his head as he turns from the doorway. “Forget it, bastard.”
I persist. “Romano! Tell me why, please!”
“I don’t answer to beggers!” He retorts back as he thrusts his hands into his pockets.
I take a step towards him and plant a soft kiss on the back of his neck, my hand clutching onto the back of his shirt. “Please…”
His ears go beet red, but he doesn’t try to pull away. I don’t understand what he’s thinking. First he pulls away and now he’s completely still? “How could I tell you?”
My hand grips even tighter. I’m not angry, but I am a bit frustrated. “If you didn’t come here for a reason, then why come here at all?”
“I can’t tell you that.” His voice is quiet. Too quiet. It worries me.
“Romano!” I try to reason with him, but he pushes me away with a head-butt to my nose. Damn, kid. I almost forgot about all the times he used to do that. And how much it hurts.
“Leave me alone!” He yells as he dashes away from me.
My feet spring into motion, towards his direction. He is heading right for the tomato fields. “Romano, wait!” I yell up to him.
He doesn’t stop. He doesn’t slow down. He just keeps running.
“Stop!” I yell again. “You’re going to hurt yourself!”
If he didn’t stop now he would run into a post, trip on a wire, or just exhaust himself in this heat. I didn’t want any of these things happening. Not to Romano. He didn’t deserve that.
He takes my advice a little too late. His foot gets caught on a small post that scratches his shin and makes him lose his balance. He crashes into the dirt, and he quickly tries to make his escape once more. Fortunately, I already have made it to him, and I put both my hands on his cheeks. “You don’t have to run anymore.”
He looks up at me with wavering eyes and a quivering lip. Was he about to cry? I wipe the dirt from his cheeks as he turns toward me. He doesn’t say anything, and my attention goes to a bleeding cut that is now on his left shin. “We better get this cleaned up.” I look up at him again. “Can you make it?”
He nods his head and I lean him against me as we walk back towards the house. I never realized how fragile Romano truly was. He was still like a baby and he needed my care. I smile as I think about that. Romano needs me.
I sit him on the table as soon as we get to the house and leave him there as I go to find a Band-Aid and some peroxide. I come back with the two items and I hold out his leg in my hand. He sits with his hands on the wooden table. “Spain…”
“It’s okay, Romano, it’s not really that bad at all.” I reassure him as I pour some peroxide on his leg. It fizzes, which makes him cringe, but he stops desperately clinging to the table after a few moments. I clean up the dirt with a paper towel and tie the wound closed with a Band-Aid. “See? All done.”
At this point he begins to cry, the tears pouring from his eyes as he looks at my caring face. “You don’t get it…” He sobs. “You don’t get it at all!”
I blink, my hand reaching to move his bangs out of his face. “What’s wrong?”
He manages to answer through broken sobs. “You don’t understand how much I love you, you stupid bastard!”
My eyes open wide and my cheeks turn red. I reach out my arms and hold him tightly in them. He holds me back, and I realize something so obvious: I cannot live without Romano.