Chapter 8
IT SEEMED LIKE a running theme for Aspen to be blindsided whenever she showed up to Calum's apartment. Sure, the first time had been uneventful, but the second time she had the pleasure of walking in on the aftermath of one of his hook ups—which, much to her chagrin, was seared into her mind without consent. Aspen expertly ignored the stinging sensation she felt whenever she thought of the fact that Calum slept with some other woman, especially when she knew he most definitely had been with multiple women over the years they've broke up, and especially when she also knew it was none of her damn business.
Whatever.
The third time, which was now, that she came by Calum's apartment, Aspen found herself freezing once more upon entering the living room because she had most definitely not been expecting three familiar people to rise up from the couch as she walked in. Not for the first time did Aspen mentally find herself cursing Calum, this time for not warning her that his three best friends were currently over.
Aspen knew that they were in the city, knew Calum had introduced them to Luna. She'd been annoyed at first, but knew that it would happen eventually, so she didn't make a big deal out of it. Ashton, Michael and Luke were Calum's closest friends and she knew it was a matter of time until he introduced Luna to them. It only made her bristle because the more people Luna came to know from Calum's life, the louder the realization in Aspen's mind was that this was permanent.
She was used to Calum being back in her life, but that didn't mean she was prepared for the others that came back with him.
"I'll go get Luna," Calum said, walking out of the living room and down the hall, and Aspen burned holes in his back because was he seriously about to leave her with his friends?
Then again, if Aspen could handle Calum, she figured she could handle the other three.
"Long time no see." It was Luke who broke the heavily tense and awkward silence, drawing Aspen's gaze back to him. He'd gotten taller, it seemed, and his hair was a lot longer and curlier than she remembered. It suited him.
"Yeah," she nodded in response, a bit unnerved at their gazes. Clearing her throat lightly, Aspen awkwardly added, "How, uh, have you guys been?" God, this was painfully strange.
Aspen remembered a time where she would laugh and have fun and get drunk with these guys. Now the conversation had barely begun and already it felt like pulling teeth.
"Good," Michael nodded with a thin smile, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jackets. He'd taken to wearing glasses. "You?"
She swallowed down nothing in particular, tugging at the lapels of her jacket. "I'm good, yeah. Good."
"Yeah?" Aspen's gaze shifted over to Ashton, taken aback at how much hostility he held in just one word, frowning when she saw the challenging look on his face. "Being in hiding has been good for you, huh?"
Heart slamming against her rib cage, Aspen crossed her arms over her chest, trying to keep the incredulity and hurt off her face as she pursed her lips. She already had to deal with Calum's comments about her disappearance, she didn't need it from his friends, too. Aspen wasn't going to fall victim to their glares and remarks. So she jutted her chin, trying to appear as nonchalant and defiant as she could as she quipped, "Something like that."
Clearly Ashton didn't appreciate her near sarcasm, eyes narrowing as he took a few steps forward. Aspen stood her ground, her fiery gaze never leaving his as Michael and Luke watched along warily. "How the fuck could you do that to him? Just run away and hide his kid from him? It's fucking despicable."
A sharp, heavy breath escaped Aspen, green eyes widening because who the fuck did he think he was, talking to her like that? Ashton didn't know the truth, none of them did, but that didn't give them the excuse of talking to her like she was some sort of scum. Aspen was painfully aware that she hurt Calum, felt the guilt of it eat her up inside for the past number of years only for it to revive when she laid eyes on him again. But did none of them think to consider that she was hurt, too? That running away from the man she loved tore her heart out?
She could tell them, but there was always a chance they'd still find fault in her for that. And it couldn't count on the truth to protect her, then what else was Aspen to do?
"Ash, dude, relax," Luke cut in, grabbing his friend's elbow to tug him back.
Aspen's teeth grinded together, nails digging into her arms through the material of her jacket. "This has nothing to do with you, okay?" she damn near spat, eyes still on Ashton. "It's between me and Calum, so stay out of it, Ashton."
Ashton scoffed, looking nothing like the kind, welcoming guy she used to know. The Ashton she had been friends with was warm and inviting, always friendly; the man in front of her looked at her through a gaze of nothing but contempt and distaste. It was nerve wracking, but Aspen didn't let it show. "Nothing to do with me?" Ashton leaned towards her, despite Luke's grip. "You're not the one who had to pick up the pieces you shattered by leaving. That was me. That was us."
A bitter taste conjured on Aspen's tongue at Ashton's words, trying not to picture the devastation she may have left behind when she left. It was something that often kept her up at night over the years, stemmed from guilt and longing and everything in between.
"Everything okay in here?"
Calum's voice interrupted the scene and Ashton pulled back, Aspen taking a step away as well as she blinked and forced a smile at the sight of Luna, who was already bounding her way over. "Hi, baby," Aspen breathed, crouching down to be at eye level with her. "Ready for the party?"
It was Richie's daughter, Mariam's, birthday and Aspen and Luna were to meet up with them on Coney Island. Mariam's birthday fell on Sunday so instead of spaghetti Sunday, Aspen and Luna were spending it with her brother's family. As much as he wanted to spend more time with Luna, Calum didn't object, deciding to focus on some business for once.
"Yeah," Luna grinned before turning around to go over to Calum, who bent down to return the hug she was offering. "Bye, Daddy!"
Calum kissed her temple. "Bye, bug."
Aspen stood by somewhat awkwardly as Luna then gave hugs to the other boys as well, who instantly softened at the sweet four year old. Her gaze flickered to Calum, who was smiling fondly at the sight of his friends hugging his daughter, and Aspen briefly wondered if Ashton shared his feelings about her to Calum. Then she refrained a scoff; of course he most likely had. Question was, did Calum feel the same?
When Luna finished with her goodbyes, Aspen couldn't have dragged her out of there faster if she tried.
*****
"Trick or treat!"
Aspen smiled from where she stood at the end of the driveway, arms crossed over her chest as she watched the woman at the doorway drop heaps of candy into all the kids' buckets. She'd lost count of how many houses they've hit, but Luna's bucket was getting more and more candy and her costume was getting all sorts of compliments, and it brought a smile to Aspen's face each time.
Her little girl was dressed as her favorite Disney character—Moana, of course—and Aspen had spent weeks on her costume, making sure to get it exactly as shown in the movie. Plus, it helped Luna had her own thick curls, and her daughter looked like a real life replica of the character. Of course, Aspen took dozens upon dozens of pictures, her heart soaring at the sight of her. Luna looked too cute for words.
The same could be said for the man next to her. Technically, Calum was supposed to be at his club for the Halloween rager that was currently going on, but this was so much better. As soon as he had arrived to Aspen's apartment and his gaze landed on Luna, Calum felt that familiar lightness in his chest at the sight of his daughter, who looked all kinds of precious adorability in her costume. He had to hand it to Aspen, she'd done a great job, and Luna loved how she looked. Just like Aspen, Calum took dozens of pictures of and with Luna, making sure to send them to the group chat he had with the boys who, even though they were at his club, all responded with intense fondness.
It had been a few weeks since they met her, and already the boys were unsurprisingly taken with Luna. To Calum's surprise, Aspen wasn't all too pissed that they met her. There had been some palpable tension between her and Ashton, Calum knew, but he didn't comment on it. He still hadn't figured out the exact standing of his feelings towards his ex, he didn't even want to think about where his friends stood with her. If he couldn't understand himself, how was he expected to understand the others?
"Couple of more houses and then we gotta get going, okay?" Aspen said to Luna once the little one returned.
They finished soon enough, with Calum and Aspen silently trailing after Luna as she went from door to door, with Calum eventually having to carry her plastic pumpkin bucket because the amount of candy weighing it down was too much for her to hold. Surprisingly, it wasn't too awkward between them; it was silent, sure, but comments weren't made and looks weren't exchanged. It was strange but not tense.
Eventually, they returned to Aspen's apartment, where they caught sight of Richie waiting in front of the door. "Sorry to keep you waiting," Aspen apologized as she dug her keys out, missing the confused frown on Calum's faces at the presence of the other man. "I'll get Luna's stuff together real quick."
Calum's frown deepened, unsure of what was going on, as he followed them into the apartment. Luna was supposed to be going home with him, seeing as it was Friday and it was Saturday and it was his day with her. The only reason he brought her back early this morning was because it was Halloween and Aspen had her costume, and going trick or treating in this neighborhood was a lot easier, and probably safer, than in the city.
As Luna showed Richie all the chocolate and candy she got, Calum followed Aspen to Luna's bedroom, jaw clenched as he watched her put together Luna's overnight bag. "She's supposed to be with me tonight," Calum announced with an irritated frown.
Aspen didn't spare him a glance as she pulled out Luna's pajamas from the drawer, walking over to the bed where the small duffel bag was to put them in. "Not tonight. I told you; she has sleepovers at Richie's on Halloween night."
Calum scoffed, eyes following Aspen as she moved to the closet to pull out some clothes. "The fuck you did." He ignored the scowl Aspen threw at him over her shoulder because he didn't care. Aspen told him no such thing about some sleepover. "You can't just hijack my night with her." They had an agreement, assigned days of who gets Luna when, and Aspen was completely disregarding it.
Honestly, he was pissed. His anger, definitely, was stemming from weeks—years, really—of lingering irritation and aggravation and truthfully, tonight seemed like the night he was about to blow. And Calum had a feeling he wasn't going to be able to control it.
Aspen snorted, oblivious to the anger simmering in Calum's blood as she packed the rest of Luna's things, whatever she may need for a night away. "No one's hijacking anything," she said with a roll of her eyes, brushing past him to exit the room. Then, she huffed reluctantly. "You can have Tuesday night. I've got a late shift and that way I won't have to call the sitter."
Calum's jaw clenched as she walked away. She was stupid if she thought this was just over. He followed behind her, watching as she handed Richie the bag. "You don't wanna change before you go?" Aspen asked Luna, who was still decked out in her costume.
When Luna shook her head, wanting to still be Moana for a few more hours, Aspen chuckled before giving her daughter a goodbye hug. Luna then went over to Calum, hugging him as well before leaving with Richie, leaving her parents alone in the living room.
And then Aspen was blindsided. Again.
"I'm sick and tired of you refusing to tell me things." Aspen blinked, eyes widening and feeling a shiver run down her spine at the sound of Calum's voice—low, guttural and a tense rasp. She turned around to face him, eyebrows rising at his set jaw and hard eyes; nothing she wasn't used to, but slightly unsure what she'd done to provoke it at this moment. "The fuck happened to this whole co-parentin' thing, huh?" Calum demanded, taking a few steps towards her. "Aren't you supposed to let me in on any change of plans?"
For all her grace and confidence, it wasn't a surprise Aspen could feel some of it slipping right now. It always seemed to, when it came to Calum.
"I don't—I didn't think it was a big deal." She hated that she stammered, her eyes widening slightly in surprise at his harsh demeanor. Aspen wasn't afraid of him—no, never—she was just bewildered at the fierce anger his dark eyes were swimming in. Specifically, she was completely confused as to why it was coming to the surface now. "She always sleeps over Richie's on Halloween. It just—it slipped my mind to tell you."
Apparently she wasn't making things any better for herself.
"You didn't think it was a big deal?" Calum repeated with a degrading scoff, lips curling up into a sneer. Aspen eyed him warily, heart pounding; she'd never seen this look on his face, never was on the receiving end of an expression from Calum that so loudly spoke of his vexation and contempt of her. The hostile looks hadn't stopped, but they'd never been of this caliber. Never this fiery. He tilted his head to the side, regarding her distastefully. "Just like you didn't think it was a big deal to tell me you were pregnant? That you were having my child? Didn't think it was important for the father of your child to know something like that?"
Eyes wide, Aspen couldn't feel anything other than incredulity at the man in front of her, who spat out his words in a thick accent and guttural growl with every step he took towards her, to the point where Aspen's back was now against the wall next to the front door. Shit, she'd never seen him this mad; never to the point where the veins on his necks were prominent and the muscle in his jaw jumped so consistently, where his narrowed eyes were completely black in anger and nostrils flared in irritation.
More than that, Aspen's mind was processing the words he was spewing, realizing that maybe Calum finally had enough. Maybe not knowing was finally pushing him over the edge.
She wasn't surprised. It'd been nearly, what? Two months since they reunited? He held out a lot longer than she expected.
But this look in his eyes; angry, fired up, hungry—that, she hadn't been completely anticipating.
Call Aspen crazy, but she could feel the electricity buzzing between their gazes, between their bodies, suddenly realizing just how close they were. Her back against the wall, Calum's domineering height towering over her, broad shoulders obstructing her view of anything beyond him. This wasn't the time—God knows this wasn't the time—but their sudden proximity, the sharing of their heavy breaths, the earthy scent Calum seemed to carry invading her nose, and the near primal look on his face had Aspen's body tightening in a way that was not at all anywhere near nerves or anger or anything of the sort.
In a way that she hadn't felt, especially towards Calum, in years.
It was startling and confusing so fucking thrilling all at once.
Lifting her chin slightly, Aspen spoke in a voice too much of a whisper for her liking, "I had my reasons."
Calum leaned closer, to the point where Aspen was sure she could feel the ends of his curls brushing across her forehead, hard gazes never leaving each other. He was invading her personal space and her senses, and Aspen could feel her knees weakening at the realization that she didn't mind. There was a time where this kind of closeness with Calum heightened her desire of wanting to press her body against it and now, years later, her throat dried at the comprehension that those desires never fucking left.
His right hand came up, ring clad fingers pressing against the wall next to her head, roughly responding, "There's no fuckin' reason good enough for you to keep Luna from me." Aspen pressed her lips together, acutely aware of Calum's gaze dropping to her mouth, her lips parting in a sharp inhale when his hips suddenly pressed against hers, the unexpected pressure sending a quiver down her thighs as her widened gaze met cool, near stoic one. "No fuckin' reason good enough for you to leave me without warning."
Aspen swallowed, stomach clenching and heart picking up its pace. "Calum—"
"Fuck you." She inhaled sharply, noticing the curl of his full lips as he sneered at her, the distance between them still minimal, his hot breath fanning across her lips. His voice was a raspy growl, accent thickening with the harshness of his tone as her chest tightened with the breath she held in. "Fuck you for keepin' Luna from me." Calum leaned closer, which is when Aspen felt his left hand gripping her hip. Her heart jumped; he hadn't touched her, not at all, in so long. God, Aspen could feel his touch searing through the material of her blouse, just like it always used to. "Fuck you for makin' me miss out on four years of her life."
With every word he spoke abrasively, his nose brushed ever so slightly along Aspen's, and she wasn't even sure if he was aware of that, if he was aware of how close they were. Her throat was dry, breath scratchy, lips pressed together as she listened to him curse at her. Calum's eyes were dark, but as Aspen peered at them, she saw something else mixed in with the anger. Something she hadn't seen in his eyes in years.
He pushed away from her suddenly, and Aspen felt a rush of cold air greet her as the distance between them grew, no longer feeling his dominating presence or his searing touch. She couldn't ignore the loud fact that she missed it.
Calum ran his fingers through his curls, veins popping, messing his hair up as his free hand rubbed down his mouth. He looked at her, a few steps away now, roughly yanking his hand away from his head and pointing an accusatory finger at her. His voice was loud, vexed, as he declared, "Fuck you for leaving me." He strode towards her once more, movements quick and purposeful as his boots thudded on the floor. Aspen hadn't moved from the wall, heart jumping excitedly as he closed the distance between them and growled, "Fuck you for making it so fucking hard to hate you."
Aspen could hear and feel how shaky her breath was as she breathed through her nose, staring up at Calum with slightly widened eyes, her heart thundering against her ribcage with every word he spoke. She could feel his anger and betrayal; feel it in her heart heavily where the guilt already resided, as well as fear of revealing the truth. Not for the first time since Calum returned, Aspen wondered if the truth truly did set one free.
Her voice was hoarse from her dry throat due to the rage radiating off of the man in front of her. "You should," she breathed, her eyes locked with his, "hate me."
The muscle in his jaw jumped. "Damn fucking straight."
Then his mouth was on hers, fierce and hot in a bruising kiss that knocked the air out of Aspen's lungs. She gasped in surprise and Calum didn't hesitate in letting his tongue take over hers, feeling his tight grip return to her hips as he pushed her into the wall. Her hands found his shoulders briefly before sliding up into his hair, fingers threading through his curls as she tugged him closer, the feeling of his lips against hers erupting a volcano of flames in the pit of her stomach.
Fuck, it'd been so long since she'd been kissed like this. So long since she'd felt Calum's lips on hers, and despite this kiss being nothing short of heated and urgent and full of unadulterated rage mixed with lust, it still elicited the same sensations it once had years ago. Her skin still felt like it was on fire, her stomach was still twisting excitedly, her heart was still hammering—it still felt so fucking familiar. So fucking good.
She didn't want to think; not about what they were doing and what the consequences of this would be. All Aspen could focus on what kissing Calum back, reveling in the way his fingers were roughly digging into her skin, head spinning from their frantic lips and tongues and clashing teeth.
Calum's hands slid to the front of her jeans, their tongues lost in a frenzied dance as his nimble fingers made quick work of the button of her jeans. "Fuck you for depriving me of this," Calum's throaty voice growled against her lips, his teeth biting down on her lower lip, pulling a moan from Aspen that easily hardened him.
The feeling of her fingers in his hair, tightening with every move, had Calum pulling back and burying his face in the crook of her neck, letting out the groan against her skin. He smelt and tasted her familiar coconut scent, the mere fragrance of it making his dick twitch. Her fingers still in his hair, Calum heard Aspen moan out, "You're not the only victim here."
He bit down on the spot where her neck met her shoulder, well aware that it was a place that made her toes curl, only confirmed when Aspen gasped and tugged almost painfully at Calum's hair. It wasn't lost on Calum how familiar her body felt. "Shut the fuck up," he grunted and, without warning or prelude, pulled her underwear to the side and slid a finger inside her already soaked entrance.
Calum smirked when Aspen let out a pleasurable mewl, spurring him on to enter a second finger and working her open. "Fuck," Aspen hissed, right hand in his curls and left hand gripping his leather clad bicep. Calum dragged his lips up her neck, down her jaw before meeting her lips once more, keeping a steady rhythm of his fingers in her, utterly lost in how good this felt, how familiar being pressed up against her was and how he could've possibly gone years without this. Without her.
It was that realization that reignited the flame of anger in Calum, mixed with the feeling of Aspen clenching around him, and Calum pulled his fingers out right before she could reach her finish. Aspen instantly pulled away from the kiss with a dissatisfied grunt, head against the wall as she opened her eyes, hooded and hazy and a darker shade of the emerald green Calum was—is?—in love with. "What the fuck, Ca—"
He contained his breathing, didn't want to show he felt just as breathless as she did, didn't want to show this was affecting him just as much as it was her. "Isn't fun bein' left high'n'dry, is it?" Aspen let out a sharp breath, eyes narrowing slightly, and Calum smirked ever slightly before his right hand grabbed her jaw, fingers against the line of it, touch not at all gentle, middle and index fingers coated in her pressing against her lips. "Open."
She didn't, though her body shuddered at his demand, instead keeping her mouth closed and eyes narrowed in a lust-laden glare, not one to take orders from him, and Calum pursed his lips and pressed his hips to hers, jaw clenching when his hardened cock pressed against her thigh, wanting nothing more than to take her right there. But the harsh pressure of his hips against hers had Aspen gasping slightly and Calum took the opportunity to slide his two fingers into her mouth, watching in wicked satisfaction as he felt her suck and lick them clean, cheeks slightly hallowed, tasting herself, and at this point Calum needed to get rid of his own jeans. Quickly.
Calum made quick work of ridding Aspen of her jeans, tugging them down and letting her step out of them before his hands found her thighs and he effortlessly picked her up, her legs hooking around his hips and lips finding his in yet another impassioned, heated kiss that made them both dizzy with lust and familiarity. Their lips worked together perfectly as Calum led them towards Aspen's bedroom. He knew it was next to Luna's, was able to lead them there blindly as he was too busy reveling in the taste of Aspen's lips and her hands in her hair, and knew from memory of when he walked by her open room where her bed was.
He kicked the door shut, hands digging into the flesh of her thighs and rings gloriously biting into her skin as he reached the bed and, without warning, dropped Aspen onto the mattress. She let out a startled gasp, eyes slightly widened in surprise as she stared up at him, the sight of her kiss swollen lips knotting up Calum's stomach wonderfully as he pulled his jacket off and let it drop on the ground. His eyes never left Aspen's, his attention on the woman he's yearned after for years, ignoring every bit of logic and rational thought in his head as he reached a hand over to his back and pulled off the shirt he wore.
Ignoring the cool sensation of his necklaces against his collarbone and chest, Calum stood at the foot of the bed, expertly barefoot, and swiftly grabbed hold of Aspen's thighs once more and pulled her towards him like nothing. There was nothing gentle about this, about the way they kissed and grabbed and looked at each other. Everything was urgent, fiery, fierce; a mixture of realizing they were still so familiar with each other while fueled by the rage of not having one another for so long. And as well as, in Calum's case, not knowing what the fuck he was working out of; rage, lust, discarded love, or a dangerous mixture of all three.
Aspen's gaze wandered to Calum's shirtless upper half, feeling her heart jump and throat dry at the sight in front of her. He was just as gorgeous as she remembered; though, this time, with more tattoos and bigger biceps and a V-line at his hips she felt the animalistic desire to mark. His curls were untamed from her fingers and the shirt he'd pulled over his head, full lips appearing more plump from the frantic kisses they exchanged.
How could he have possibly gotten more gorgeous? How could she have forced herself not to notice before?
"Stop lookin' at me like that," Calum sounded gruffly, hands cupping her jaw to pull her up, making Aspen sit on her knees as his lips came down on hers in a primal sucking kiss. It made Aspen's toes curls.
"Like what?" she gasped against his mouth, fingers blindly yet expertly working on his belt, sliding it through the loops once the buckle unclicked.
Calum bit down on her lower lip as the belt clattered to the ground and Aspen worked on unbuttoning his jeans. "Like you don't fuckin' hate me."
Aspen pushed his jeans down as her heart jumped into her throat at his words. Why would she ever look at him like that? Truth be told, she had no reason to look at him like that. She tried to ignore the fact that while he did, he wasn't able to. Her hands slid up the length of his body as Calum clicked away his jeans, a tenth pitched through his black boxers as his lips left scorching, biting kisses down Aspen's neck. "I don't hate you," she gasped breathily in a daze of lust and longing, her nails scraping along his bronze skin as her hands found his hair once more. Calum hoped she left marks. "But if you hate me, that's okay." Aspen's eyes closed, eyebrows drawing together pleasurably when he bit at her sensitive spot, finding the will to push through her cloud of lust and shakily breathe out, "Fuck me like you hate me. What the hell are you waiting for?"
Her words spurred him on, his hands grasping the front of her blouse and pulling it apart, uncaring for the buttons that ripped off and clattered to the floor, the air slapping against Aspen's skin as Calum pulled the shirt off, her bra following soon after. His movements were quick and purposeful, an effect of the adrenaline pumping in with the raging hot blood in his veins. Calum's hand slid up her front, hand warm and rings cold against her skin, until he grasped the front of her throat, applying just the right amount of pressure in the right places as he maneuvered them back so Aspen was laying on the bed, him hovering over her, lips begging to be kissed and skin yearning to be touched.
The sight of her below him, his tattooed and ring clad hand around her throat as her dark hair fanned under her and green eyes darkened with want and desire and everything in between had Calum's heart racing. He'd fucking missed this—missed her like this. He didn't even try to make sense of the lingering disbelief that this was fucking happening.
And before his rational side won, before he could think about it anymore, Calum accepted the condom Aspen had hastily dug out from the bedside drawer after reaching over for it. There was no—more—foreplay, no teasing or anything of the sort. Their movements were rushed and not without reason, lost in each other when Calum's lips met hers once more after pulling off his boxers and hissing when his cock was freed.
He sank into her, and both of them wondered if it was just them feeling as though they were home.
*****
There was a silence upon them, interrupted only by their soft, steadfast breathing. Aspen wasn't quite sure what to make of the energy in the room, wasn't sure if it was derived from tension, awkwardness or even bliss or satisfaction. A mixture of all four? Her mind was reeling, thoughts catching up with reality as realization dawned and she understood what the hell had just happened. Surprisingly, regret wasn't the first thing she felt; it was contentment. Utter acceptance of the pleasure she had just experienced with the man next to her.
It had started off as rough, full of biting lips and tight grips and unforgiving thrusts, but something changed as they neared their end. His hips didn't slam into hers anymore, instead rolling against hers sensually, rhymically. His grip wasn't bruisingly hard on her, becoming tender. Aspen had noticed the changes when they occurred, and it sent her heart into more of an overdrive than it already was in. She wasn't sure what spurred the pace, why he suddenly seemed drained of the rage that was fueling him, but she didn't question it. Not when it still, continuously, had felt so good. How she went years without being with Calum. . . God, she had no fucking idea.
She wasn't quite sure what was happening now, either. The silence was enveloping them, but Calum's hand was playing with hers, brought up by their elbows as his ring clad fingers danced with hers, his hooded gaze on them. He hadn't said anything, neither of them have, but Aspen's body was buzzing and her her heart had yet to relax as she watched him lightly play with her fingers. It tightened her throat—he used to do it all the time after they had sex, or even when they used to just lay together on the couch. It was a simple, sweet gesture that always brought Aspen comfort, but in this moment, it was heightening the dread that was building up.
For a moment, she let herself revel in this. In the way Calum was touching her, utterly opposite of how things had been between them since they reunited, and her heart yearned, ached, for more. And for another second, Aspen let herself believe they were just two people basking in the afterglow of a round of desperate, longing sex, but it was so much more than that. It was so much more complicated.
And then Calum's left hand moved a certain way around hers, and Aspen's gaze caught sight of the initials tattooed on there. Suddenly reality crashed in and Aspen felt like she couldn't breathe.
Snatching her hand away from Calum, Aspen didn't look at his confused, taken aback expression as she hastily got up from the bed, stepping towards her closet as she pulled on a hoodie and a pair of shorts to clothe her naked form. "I need to talk to you," she finally broke the silence, turning to look at Calum.
He was sitting up now, frowning in puzzlement as the sheets gathered at his hips. Aspen would need him to put on clothes; his smooth, tattooed skin was distracting, making her heart race and stomach lurch. Calum still seemed to be lounging in his post-sex bliss as well, moving leisurely as he picked his shirt and boxers up from the floor and slowly put them on. "About what?" he rasped, and Aspen bit her cheek. He could probably guess what.
Aspen approached the foot of the bed, unable to find it in herself to sit down. Her nerves were suddenly jittery, inaudibly swallowing nothing but air every few seconds as some kind of way to calm herself down. But she couldn't, not with what she was about to do. "I need to—I need to tell you the truth. About why I left. About—About why I never told you about Luna."
All of the bliss and haze that had softened Calum's face was instantly gone upon hearing Aspen's words, replaced with a hardening settlement of realization and seriousness, broad shoulders straightening under the dark green shirt he wore. "I can't—" Aspen cut herself off breathlessly with a shake of her head, fingers picking at her nails as she looked at the only man she's ever fucking loved, whose heart she broke and who she just slept with after nearly five years. "I can't keep this to myself. Not anymore. You deserve the truth, even though I think it might hurt you more."
Calum scoffed, standing up from the bed, muscular thighs flexing as he rounded the bed to approach her. With every step he took towards her, Aspen's heart jumped higher up in her throat. "Don't think anything can hurt as much as it already has, Aspen."
She swallowed, eyebrows drawn together helplessly. "I'm not so sure about that," she whispered, feeling the emotion tighten her throat. God, she could not cry. Aspen wasn't sure how to tell him any of this, because frankly she was a bit afraid that he wouldn't believe her, that she was just making something up to take some of the blame off of herself. How could he want to believe it? If anything, Aspen was fully expecting him to be furious, even more so, and was working up the wall to defend herself from his rage. Still playing with her nails, Aspen forced herself to look at Calum's curious, expectant gaze before taking a deep breath. "I lied to you before. I didn't—I—I found out I was pregnant before I left. Not. . . Not after."
Confusion, surprise, hurt and anger all seemed to flash across Calum's face, all at once, as he leaned away from her once her devastating words settled in his mind. Aspen's heart was picking up its pace quickly, watching as Calum's dark eyes widened under furrowed eyebrows, lips she had just kissed parting in disbelief as he failed to find any words that could possibly verbalize what he was feeling, thinking. Aspen hated to know that what she said wasn't the end of it.
"You. . . You knew?" Calum croaked, accented voice raspy and laden with a kind of hurt that sent a pang through Aspen's chest as she helplessly watched him look at her with a kind of betrayal she hated to see on his face. He gave a shake of his head, curls bouncing slightly. "Then why—" He cut himself off, eyes narrowing as the hostility she'd been seeing for the past few months returned his full swing, jumping to his own conclusions as he took a threatening step towards her, deep voice growling, "Did you leave because you didn't think I'd be a good father? That I didn't want to be a father?" The ferocity in his voice was heavy, thickening his accent. "How the fuck could you just leave without saying a bloody thing to me?!"
"Because I was fucking ran out of the Goddamn town, Calum!"
Aspen inhaled sharply after emotionally blurting out those words, taking a step away from Calum to put some distance between them, distance he had closed as he neared her with every word he spat out. Her throat was tight, watching as a small fraction of the anger twisting his handsome features melted away into confusion, face scrunching up with a few shakes of his head. "What?"
Aspen licked her lips quickly, keeping her voice steady as she said, "I don't know how to explain thi—"
Calum snarled. "Fucking try."
She pursed her lips, not caring for his tone but knowing that, to some extent, it was warranted. She just needed to spit it out, but what she needed to say couldn't just spat out. "I found out when you went on that camping trip with the boys," Aspen began with a breath, praying tears didn't gather in her eyes as she recalled memories from years ago she fruitlessly tried to keep away. "I'd just been leaving the hospital after confirming it and I. . . I ran into your mom at the hospital."
Calum quirked an eyebrow, not seeming surprised by this. His mother was the head of orthopedics at their local hospital, so it wasn't abnormal for Aspen to see her there. Aspen swallowed, trying to look at anything but him. "I was by myself and I was terrified because. . . I mean, I was barely into my twenties yet and I was pregnant, and I kept thinking how you were going to react, how many family would. I was scared out of my mind and it showed and your mom saw and pulled me into her office and asked what was going on."
Calum was full on frowning at this point, unsure of where Aspen was going with this as he stood in front of her, arms crossed over his chest as he waited impatiently for her to continue with her story. What the hell did his mum have anything to do with why Aspen left him?
"And I told her. I hadn't told anyone else, but I told her that I was pregnant and. . . And she comforted me. Told me it would be okay, that everything would work out. And I believed her." Despite herself, Aspen let out a humorless scoff, looking away from Calum and at nothing in particular as the memory of her and Calum's mom, Joy, replayed in her head. "When I think about it now, I remember that she never even congratulated me, or said that she was happy."
When Calum heard the bitter tone in Aspen's voice, saw the grieved frown on her face, Calum felt his heart slowly coming to a stop. He was smart, intelligent, and the words Aspen was saying and the way she was saying them in. . . Calum felt a tight, uncomfortable knot tie itself in his stomach, suddenly beginning to feel the emptiness that was a prelude to nausea, his shoulders sinking somewhat as his throat dried.
"A few days later, before you got back, she asked me to come over," Aspen continued, needing to take another breath to steady her voice even though her knees felt like they were going to give out. She frowned slightly as she remembered that day. "I didn't know what she wanted to talk about, but. . ." Aspen swallowed, forcing her gaze to lock with Calum's. Her heart was thundering and blood was rushing behind her ears, but Aspen willed herself to drop another bomb that she knew would rattle Calum to his bones. "But I wasn't expecting her to offer me money to disappear."
It was like her words had a physical force behind them, because Calum instantly stumbled a few feet back, nearly tripping over his shoes as he stared at Aspen with a look of utter incredulity, disbelief, confusion. His head was spinning as he shook it, like he wanted to get Aspen's words out of it, feeling a heavy sense of betrayal that he couldn't even begin to comprehend, like it was too much for him to grasp. No. She was lying. Aspen had to be lying.
"No," Calum voiced throatily, still shaking his head, feeling his curls brush along his shoulders, face paling. "No, you're lying. Mum would nev—"
"She offered me a million fucking dollars, Calum," Aspen interrupted, not giving him any room to argue as she looked at him desperately. She knew this would be too much for him to understand, to believe, because to this day even Aspen couldn't believe that happened. It still shook her, still unnerved her to think this was her reality. To think that someone would want her so badly to leave their son to throw that kind of money as if it was nothing. Calum let out a sharp breath. "She—she knew I'd never get rid of the baby, so she offered me money to leave." Aspen spoke quickly, words coming out in a rush, wanting every bit of the truth out there before Calum told her enough. The tears were burning in her eyes now, because she never thought this day would come; never thought she'd have to look the father of her child in the eyes and tell him it was his mother's fault he didn't get the chance of being a dad.
"She told me you weren't ready to be a parent, that it wouldn't be what you wanted." Aspen let out a breath, her throat dry but she continued, despite the look of utter devastation on Calum's face that was shattering her heart. "And we—we'd never talked about anything like that. Never talked about a long term future and, God, Calum, I was terrified. Your mom was saying all these things how you wouldn't be ready, how this wouldn't be what you wanted, that I—" Her voice broke, feeling a tear slip as she shook her head tearfully. "That I wasn't fucking good enough. And I. . . I believed her. I took her word for it and—"
"And you took the fuckin' money and ran," Calum finished with a snap, his expression still contorted into heartbreak and hurt, but the anger was returning in full swing, just as Aspen had expected. He ran both of his hands through his hair before throwing them out. "You should've fucking waited for me. You should've listened to what I thought because it had as much to do with me as it did with you!"
He was yelling now, deep voice loud and enough to shake the walls that Aspen knew she'd be getting a complaint from her neighbors, but she didn't care. She stood her ground, taking in his shouts as they came. There was so much pain and ache in her chest, all derived from what happened to her then and what was happening now. "I was scared, Calum," she tried to defend, though she knew it wasn't too strong of an argument. "She made me believe—"
"I don't give a fuck what she made you believe!" Calum roared, turning away from her as he once again ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at them before dropping his hands and turning to face her again. This anger was so much more intense than what he had been showing earlier, and while Aspen wasn't afraid of Calum, she was definitely exceedingly anxious of what was unfolding in general. He pointed a ring clad finger at her with fierce accusation. "You should've trusted me enough to know that I would've wanted to have the baby with you because I fucking loved you with everything I had in me." He put his arms down, hands slapping to his thighs as he shrugged roughly. "But you just took whatever fucking money you were offered and ran instead of telling me anything."
There was a sting in Aspen's nose, the one that always occurred when she cried, as she tried to swallow the lump that formed in her throat. She didn't want Calum to yell at her, didn't want him to be so ruthlessly angry with her, but she knew she deserved it. Knew that she was at fault, no matter what his mother did as well. She had a choice; she could've ran with the money or she could've stayed and talked to Calum. But Aspen chose the cowards way out; a decision brought by Calum's mom's words piling on top of pre-existing doubt that was derived from already being with Calum and knowing there was a stark difference in their worlds.
He had everything he could possibly want. She was a nursing student from a middle class family. Aspen had never been the ideal choice for Calum in his parents—or, at least, his mom's—eyes.
And with Joy Hood reinforcing the belief that she'd never be good enough for Calum, Aspen broke. So she ran.
"What'd you do with the money, huh?" Calum sneerily demanded, eyes narrowing daringly as he approached her once more, figure domineering and near threatening as he peered down at her with hostile accusation. "Pretty sure you could've afforded a bigger apartment with the million dollar check you cashed."
Aspen's eyebrows drew together, feeling a stab of pain at his words, remembering all of the times she heard murmurs from people in Calum's and his family's circles whispering about her only being with him because of the money. Remembered how she'd cried to Calum about being thought of as a gold digger when the only reason she was with him was because she loved him.
"I didn't cash the check," she told him truthfully, hugging herself as his scent engulfed her. Her heart still yearned for him. When Calum scoffed disbelievingly, Aspen insisted, "I didn't. I—I set up a trust, for Luna. The money's been sitting in an account for her for when she turns eighteen. She can do whatever she wants with it; go to school, travel, whatever she wants." Her tone dropped, almost feeble, as her gaze lowered to her folded arms, chest heavy. "Figured I'd use the hush money your mom gave to keep quiet about Luna for her." She scoffed humorlessly, quietly. "Some kind of karma, I guess."
"Fucking unreal." Aspen looked up, catching sight of Calum looking away from her, fingers tangled in his curls at the top of his head. She gazed at his profile, noticing the muscle jumping in his jaw, his pursed lips, and the glassiness in his dark eyes under drawn together eyebrows. There were different emotions fighting across his face, none of them pleasant, understandably. But on Aspen noticed was most prominent—agony. Complete desolation that his own mother—the woman he loved so much, who made him the man he was today and taught him lessons he still applied to his life today—would keep his own child from him. Would deprive him of Luna, the one person he came to love most in the world.
His heart was in pieces, and the desire to throw up was strong. God, he didn't want to fucking believe Aspen. Wanted to scream at her for being a liar, for making up the most bullshit fucking excuse that brought him a new sort of pain he didn't think he was capable of experiencing. Fuck. Calum thought the anguish he felt when he found out about Luna was cruel; this. . . The bomb Aspen just dropped. . . This felt unforgiving on his Goddamn soul. A kind of pain that refused to let him breathe.
Then he moved. In harsh movements and brisk strides, Calum pulled on his clothes and gathered his things, shoving his feet into his shoes before storming out of Aspen's bedroom. She followed after him quickly, practically having to run to keep up with his long strides, her heart threatening to jump as she caught sight of the way he was tightly clenching his jacket in his fist, the veins in his tense arms popping and his shoulders squared. He walked with a purpose, and the blank look that fell across his face, save for the tight jaw, increased Aspen's anxiety.
"Where are you going?" she pleaded, ignoring the cold against her mostly bare legs, goosebumps rising on her skin.
Calum reached the door, throwing it open and without turning to look back at her, growled out, "Need to make a fuckin' phone call."
Aspen jumped when the door slammed behind him. She took the few remaining steps towards it, hand on the door knob, prepared to open it and follow him because he wasn't okay. His anger was still buzzing through her apartment, and it wasn't until Aspen had reached for the door knob that she realized she was shaking.
So she sank to the floor, back against the door, facing the ceiling as she squeezed her eyes shut. She slept with Calum. The truth was finally out. Calum was outraged and heartbroken beyond belief. And Aspen cried.