I know I hate and dislike a lot of things, but being in the dark about what I’m meant to be doing in a day is one of the things I downright despise. I hate surprises or days when someone else is deciding what I’m meant to be doing without telling me. For example, I always hated the first day of school or uni not only because it was the first day back after weeks spend hibernating, but because there was no definite plan for me. What if I made an idiot of myself? What if I didn’t have the right equipment? What if I handled the situation wrong?
Basically: I like to have a plan set out in front of me. This wasn’t something I had today.
For the first half of ‘I Can’t Even’ I’d felt relatively in control. I’d had a script, knew which parts and rounds were coming up, and I could plan out what I could say instead of doing this improv comedy. I now didn’t know what else was going to be in the show and how I should be reacting to it. I was a bit fed up and frustrated by it all, and yet had no idea on how I should overcome such an intense sense of being, well, lost. I wasn’t in control, and the suspense was painful.
“The final round for our teams to complete is ‘Chris’ Contest’,” Chris said grandly, his power over the show and situation evident in his tone of voice as he gazed around the set of ‘I Can’t Even’. Why did he get to be in charge? Why couldn’t he tell me what I was meant to do? I only had so much fangirl capacity…
Chris smiled contently at the cameras, oblivious to my internal struggle on what the actual fuck I was meant to do. “This contest changes every show and is my way of making sure that each and every one of my guests is sufficiently humiliated by the end of the night, all in the name of earning points. This week, I have devised the ultimate task. Will it be bungee jumping into a volcano? Swimming with jellyfish? Maybe a round of naked twister? Nope. It’s the almighty egg and spoon race!” He spread his arms wide at his declaration and looked at us all with excited eyes. Honestly, most of the YouTubers present looked more amused as to how pathetic the idea sounded rather than from the thrill of such a challenge.
“What’s that got to do with YouTube?” PJ said sceptically.
Chris cast PJ a long look. “Stay calm, my PJ, I was just getting to that… This race will take place over a small obstacle course that has been set up for us in a secret location. Oooh!”
Apparently the whole studio took this as a cue to ‘oooh’ appreciatively, much like any audience would at the words ‘secret’ or ‘special’.
“To make this whole escapade more YouTube friendly, each egg will have a drawing of one of our guests on it done by yours truly,” Chris said with a sly smile whilst he pointed at himself. “Basically, if anyone drops one of their eggs then they’ve effectively murdered a YouTuber. Y’all better think of a cunning plan to continue living after the fangirls have found out.”
Jack snorted. “It’s like the crappest Hunger Games remake ever.”
One thing I did know about all of this was Becca’s personality. The Hunger Games was a sure trigger for her to jump up and down and flail around a bit, right?
I lifted a hand to my heart whilst using the other hand to fan myself as I squealed. “OMFG, he mentioned THG! My feels can’t take it! I’m so crying right now #sorrynotsorry.” I used my fingers to make the hashtag symbol before proceeding to wipe my eyes to prove my point.
“Why did we let her on the show?” Chris mumbled into his hands, looking at me through the gaps between his fingers in a defeated manner. As if only just remembering that the cameras were pointed at him, he moved his hands to plaster a cheesy grin onto his face. “Anyway, off to our secret location! Oooh-eee-ooooh!”
I was all ready to get up from my seat and travel to this new location when PJ grabbed my arm. I couldn’t help but tense up at his touch. If I hadn’t stopped myself, I may have even recoiled from him. It’s my space.
“What?” I hissed to PJ with considerable effort to keep my tone light-hearted. Had I gotten it wrong? Was I meant to be seated? Where was my control of the situation?!
“Chris may’ve said that we’re leaving but we’re going to stay here and film the rest of the studio stuff before that,” PJ explained quietly whilst everyone else took a small drinks break. “It’s more practical to film all of the studio stuff at once rather than going to a location and coming back again.” He was unintentionally making me feel like a child.
I gradually lowered myself back down into my seat whilst giving PJ a minimal nod of my head. It did make sense to do things in this setup and then edit them into the correct order later on. But what could we really have left to film other than the results for the show and our goodbye? Surely we could do all of that at our secret location? Then again, I hadn’t been on the set of any recorded show before so I guess I didn’t really have enough experience of it to base my opinions on.
Instead of going to this location, Chris and all of the other guests were filmed getting up from their seats and simply walking off set for the next few minutes. Standing certainly felt more than a little odd after spending quite a lot of time seated. My legs ached as the sensation of pins and needles made my muscles spasm and quiver with pain and numbness. I saw some of the YouTubers clench their jaws and walk with a slight limp as we went, which I suppose inferred that they were having the same sensation in their legs that I was. Whilst filming, Adam even said that we (the guests) should follow Chris like he was a mother duck and we were his ducklings. These people, I swear.
After filming us moving away and then back to our seats, I was unfairly surprised to find out that Chris had a bonus round to his show.
“Now, at the end of every show, the team captains and I partake in an internet challenge craze,” Chris announced, getting right back into presenting immediately after he’d sat back down again. “We’ve already done the Cinnamon Challenge, the Salt and Ice Challenge, and the Cream Cracker Challenge with varying degrees of success and failure… And this week, we’ll be doing the Chubby Bunny Challenge!”
Once again the audience whooped and clapped. Dan’s clapping was particularly interesting to watch when his Medwig wings were flapping about as if the feathers were being caught by the wind. This seemed to only amuse the people seated to either side of him, though.
Chris grinned at us all before he continued to talk animatedly to the cameras. “If Mia or PJ wins this challenge then they’ll not only win that fabulous sense of achievement, but they’ll also win a bonus five points for their team!”
The studio gasped at this supposedly random and sudden change of events. Phil, Dan and Mia even clutched their chests dramatically and stared at Chris is shock.
“I know, it’s such a game changer,” Chris said seriously. “Calm your passions, ladies and gentlemen. If our props could be delivered to us, then we shall begin!”
A surprise challenge? A game changer? What the…?
Just as Chris had inferred, I caught sight of some pink and purple coloured food bags being lifted upwards from the base of one of the camera stands by someone with grey bird wings on their arms. These bags were presumably the marshmallows that would be required for the challenge and the person was obviously Dan/Medwig.
With a deep theatrical sigh, Dan held the three bags of marshmallows in one hand as he straightened upright. He had to tug the hood of his onesie back up over his head, tactfully arrange his fringe in its position under the hood again, all before he walked round the back of my desk to hand a bag of marshmallows to PJ. Dan then continued his circuit of the studio to pass both Chris and Mia a bag too.
“Thank you, Medwig, my dear,” Chris said lightly as Dan walked around behind him after handing Chris a bag.
Dan forced a toothy smile at Chris which somehow managed to look more like a grimace. He then looked away from Chris to smile fully at Mia, who had a dusting of pink across the apples of her cheeks as she smiled at Dan’s approach.
When Dan reached Mia, he leant down to whisper something in her ear and to toy with her headband as he took his time to gradually set the bag of marshmallows down on the desk in front of his girlfriend. This only made Mia blush a darker tone and smile giddily at her hands on the desk.
“Hey, there’ll be no lovey-dovey crap on this show, thank you very much,” Chris said loftily. “Stop canoodling with Mia, Medwig. You’re so out of Mia’s league.”
Dan simply rolled his eyes at our host before slowly withdrawing his hands from Mia’s headband and shuffling back towards the audience. For less than a second, Mia’s tired and stressed mood that I’d noticed earlier on returned to contort her face now that Dan was gone. She lowered her head and let some of her dark blonde hair fall over her face for a moment before sitting bold upright and smiling. I really had to find out what was wrong.
On the other hand, why did Dan and Mia have to be so cute when Chris, Mia’s true love, was right here? I attempted to look at Dan and Mia in complete adoration in my Becca persona. I cupped my fingers and thumbs together to create a hand heart which I looked at Quartzisnotonfire through. This was sickening behaviour.
“The views on this video just keep on mounting, I swear,” Chris said in disbelief as he proceeded to rip open his bag of marshmallows. He looked into the bag purposely and stuck his hand in it to feel around. His facial expression was deadly serious, as if he were conducting a scientific experiment rather than caressing some marshmallows.
“Okay, so we’ll go round in a loop and take it in turns to say the phrase ‘chubby bunny’ and put a marshmallow into our mouths,” Chris explained briefly. “The winner is the only one left out of all of us who hasn’t choked on their own marshmallow saturated saliva. We’ll start with PJ and work round from there. Ready when you are, Peej.”
PJ dutifully took a full size marshmallow out of his pack and uttered the key phrase when the food was in his mouth. He seemed to have this tactic of pushing the marshmallow into his cheek. He looked like his mouth had been semi-inflated like a balloon.
Chris licked his lips and flexed his fingers as he shook out his limbs. He took a deep breath. “I’ve devised an unbeatable technique for this, you watch.” He took another large breath.
Slowly, Chris reached into one of the pockets of his waistcoat and retrieved a small white and pink packet. He made no secret of this, however, as he proudly proceeded to pop a mini marshmallow into his mouth and cough out the words ‘chubby bunny’.
“Hey!” Mia protested, standing up slightly to draw herself taller, “you always do something like this, Chris! You cheat; you want to withhold the extra points!”
Chris held a hand to his chest and pouted at Mia. “How dare you accuse me of such a foul notion! Why’d you do that to little old me? You hate me, don’t you? Don’t you?”
“You prat,” Mia scoffed. She sulkily shoved a regular sized marshmallow into her mouth.
“You’re such a miserable team captain,” Chris tutted. “I pity anyone who has to deal with you daily- oh, wait.” He looked off camera to Dan. “I pity you, Medwig.”
I giggled in time with the audience as Dan stuck his middle finger up at Chris.
“Charming,” Chris said, lifting his nose upwards and making a ‘hmph’ sound in the back of his throat. “You’re no fun.”
PJ cleared his throat quietly, to which Chris tilted his head so that he was watching PJ. “Why’d you get the mini marshmallows?” PJ asked Chris in a really quiet voice with oozed vulnerability and jealousy in a childish way.
Chris made a ‘daww’ sound and looked at PJ sadly. Suddenly, Chris pushed back his chair and strode over to PJ, holding the bag of mini marshmallows out to him. “We’ll swap, alright?”
PJ beamed as he slid a mini marshmallow into his mouth and pronounced ‘chubby bunny’ clearly. Chris was smiling like a proud parent for the duration of time it took for him to return to his seat with the large marshmallows bag in hand. Phil even tried to protest on behalf of his team but Mia put a hand on his arm and whispered something to him, shaking her head in defeat.
I kind of felt bad for their team… Maybe this was why the surprise challenge was done last: whoever won this round would presumably win the entire show with their extra five points. Plus, Chris could always alter who received the points. Chris effectively decided who won. Could only one point be awarded in ‘Chris’ Contest’ to make this true? Eugh, just considering the complexity of it made my brain feel like it was pressing up against the inside of my skull, making tension build and drumbeats of pain blossom in my head. Ow.
Unsurprisingly, PJ won the Chubby Bunny Challenge with Chris coming second and Mia third…or last, depending how you look at it. Mia put up a pretty good fight, really. She managed to fit seven marshmallows into her mouth before she pushed back her chair and grabbed the plastic bag that they’d each been given, for her to duck under the desk to discretely spit out the marshmallows.
I think Chris purposely emptied the marshmallows out of his mouth in the end. He pretended to gag and cough throughout, but then he almost seemed to take pleasure in letting the marshmallows drip from his open mouth to the bag on his desk in great droplets of pink drool. It was disgusting.
“Five more points to PJ’s team,” Chris choked out with fake watery eyes.
I clapped my hands and bounced around in my seat à-la-Becca. We’d basically won, right?
After Chris had dragged out the amount of time it took for him to ‘recover’, he went back to finalising the show:
“With much toil, trouble, tragedy and taking the piss out of each other, we’ve reached the end of the show,” he said sadly. He stuck his bottom lip out and gazed round the back of the cameras to the audience.
“Awww,” the audience cooed in an upset tone.
“Exactly. And now, I’ll ask for the results…” Chris held a hand to his ear and squinted off behind the heads of the audience members. “…which isn’t something I can do because I haven’t got an earpiece. Could you make a note about getting earpieces for next time, sexy PJ? I’d appreciate it, sexy PJ.”
PJ nodded and mimed writing a note about it on the desk. He even muttered what he was ‘writing’ aloud.
“Just so it’s known, like anyone ever doubted it, PJ’s team won,” Chris said nonchalantly. “That’s the third win in a row that PJ’s won. Bad luck, Mia. You’re not even trying, are you?”
“Rigged!” Jack called out, cupping his hands around his mouth to make his voice echo. He was grinning when he took his hands away from his mouth.
“Don’t be such a sore loser, Jacky,” Chris sang. “My word is final.” He smiled at the camera and gave it a flirty wink. “It always hurts to say these final words… I’ve been Chris Kendall, they’ve been irritating morons who’d I’d gladly see the back of- kidding, Peej- and this was ‘I Can’t Even’! Tatty bye!”
Everyone on set began to wave cheesily at the cameras, blowing kisses and smiling in fake ways which looked like we were all presenters of a kids TV show. But then, Chris interrupted us.
“Pst, Becca,” he hissed to me.
I stopped grinning and waving to look at him. I let my cheeks redden at how he was leaning over his desk to talk to me directly, almost laying his torso flat against the desk. He looked like a model in a really crappy calendar, and yet here I was, almost swooning over him. I had to get a grip.
“There’s a box of matches under your desk,” he told me, pointing to the desk that I was seated behind. “Could you grab it and move to stand next to Dan for me? Adam will tell you what to do from there.”
I frowned at my flatmate in confusion before carrying out the instructions he’d given me. The box of matches was nestled next to my half-empty bottle of water on the floor by my feet. I had to presume that the matches had been put there when we’d all being doing that getting up/sitting down thing. The box of matches had been decorated in floral wrapping paper to cover up the logo and brand on the box, which instantly made my mind jump to conclusions as to the reason why. Could it be a prop? What am I going to do?
I collected this box before shuffling over towards where Dan/Medwig and Adam were. The two of them were standing to the far right of the audience in the midst of a conversation.
“-yell out, maybe swear whilst you run away. That okay?” Adam said to an attentive Dan.
“Run? No leisurely walking or riding some bad ass motorcycle? Isn’t that more in the random ‘I Can’t Even’ style?” Dan suggested almost hopefully.
“Very funny, but no, not this time,” Adam said with a cautious smile which he then turned onto me. He began to fill me in on what I was meant to do no, how it involved Dan, how I couldn’t let my face be seen by the cameras, and also what relevance the matches had. These people must be that tiny bit insane if they come up with scripts like this, I mean, wow.
Now, having been fully informed and the fire safety team being pointed out to us from where they stood to the far side of the studio, Dan and I were ready to try filming the ending to this show, as fucking crazy as it was.
Chris and the other YouTubers were asked to start clapping and waving at the cameras again as if it was a normal ending to the show, until Phil spoke up, asking ‘where did Becca go?’.
Chris shrugged at Phil and yet persisted to wave at the camera with emotionless eyes.
“Stay the fuck away from me!” Dan yelled as he slowly moved away from my side off-camera to walk backwards into the shot of one of the cameras which were pointed at Mia’s team. He raised his hands up at me like a protective barrier between Becca and himself.
“But you’re so hot!” I drawled in my Becca voice as I started after him. In the process of walking into view, I lit a match and held it up, the golden pin prick of fire wavering and flickering with every step I took. With a laugh, I followed Dan around the set whilst he continued to stay out of my reach.
Becca/I giggled at Dan’s terrified face as he tried to hide behind Chris’ chair, all curled up and on the verge of scuttling under Chris’ desk like a dog when it hears the vacuum cleaner. “Dan will soon be on fire!” I hummed excitedly, paying close attention to where the hood of the purple hoodie reached in the corner of my vision to make sure that my face wasn’t viewable.
I chased Dan off the set around the back of PJ’s desk, both of us showing varying levels of excitement and fear whilst everyone else on set stared after us with slack jaws. The two of us stopped just beyond the desk where we’d be out of shot and I proceeded to shake the flame of the burning match out, extinguishing the fire and leaving the toothpick of wood charred and black in colour.
In order to carry on the idea that Becca was chasing Dan with a lit match, Dan let out this brilliantly high pithed yelp which I was sure only dogs could hear.
I laughed manically. “Dan is on fire!
On set, Chris swore angrily as he climbed up from his seat and ran off camera to supposedly deal with Becca, when he actually just came to stand motionless with Dan and me next to Jimmy and the others in the audience, a dopey grin on his face. “I hope you enjoyed the show!” Chris called to the dumbfounded looking YouTubers who were still sat at their desks. “I need to go! Let yourselves out!” Everyone was struggling not to laugh by this point. This was just so stupid.
“Should we just…go?” PJ asked the other guests. The guests shrugged to each other, muttering agreeing statements before they let their chairs scream against the floor as they pushed them back and left the set.
Then, slowly, the lights in the studio were turned off one at a time, leaving the set in darkness. Shadows hung on the walls and props like drapes and swathes of fabric, making everything look abandoned and haunted. Some of the objects on the shelving glowed a little, like a glow in the dark alien toy and a white mug with the YouTube play button on it. Weird.
On my left, Chris started moving again. He gently took the Medwig doll from the girl in the audience who’d been holding it before, and he bounced the doll up and down in his hands. Then, he threw Medwig like a rugby ball through the dark of the set, where she landed on his desk and skidded right off the back of it. Chris even made some upset sounding hooting noises to represent Medwig’s feelings about this.
“Cut!” Rhys called out, signifying that we’d all finally finished.
Now everyone was free to release the laughter that they’d been holding back with bitten lips, fists in mouths or even purple hoodie sleeves in mouths. The sound which filled the re-lit studio was joyous and full of genuinely amused laughter which really did make me feel very uplifted by the experience. At least now I knew what was meant to happen next.
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A/N: Hello peoples *waves*
And behold the product of me typing up the work from my notebook! I'm sorry it's so crap :( I almost wasn't going to update this week because I hated my writing so much. I've found that if I write a script for something (like this 'I Can't Even' show) then I can't write it properly. It felt so staged and awkward to write and eugh *hides face in hands* I'm happy with what I've written for the show, in a way, but I just don't enjoy it as much as I did when I wrote that first part of the show well over a month ago. It may be because I've been plotting for this show for over four months, but I'm looking forward to getting back into the actual story line of this fic.
At the moment, I'm planing to only brush over what happens in the egg and spoon race as I feel like it will be absolutely crap otherwise. I have some lines that I'd like to use in it and I know what'll happen, but that's it... I feel like I've let you guys down, eugh!
I can at least say I tried to write an 'I Can't Even' show by myself, hey? (okay, credit to one of my friends for the idea about Becca's 'Dan is on fire!' ily, Ninja Turtle. Thank you ❤)
Please comment and vote :)
I hope everyone's had a fantastic week and I hope next week is even better for you all. Tatty bye ;) *salutes*
Em >^-^<
PS. It's not my drawing on the side. I found it on the crabstickz Tumblr...