Belly buttons, Sanem had decided, were very strange. It was such tiny little part of her body, something that she'd never particularly given any thought to. And yet, here was a perfect mini human that her body had grown entirely without instruction, who had, only yesterday, been literally tethered to her body by a fleshy lifeline. A connection that had joined them together and had allowed her to nurture and sustain him, the remnants of which would wither away to leave an unappreciated and ignored mark on his abdomen forever. It was slightly gross, but that didn't make it any less miraculous.
Oh, he was going to have the cutest little belly button. So tiny. Just like every other part of him. The thought nearly made her heart stutter.
Sanem lay on her side on the bed with Azi beside her, one of her hands rested lightly on his belly as her thumb brushed over the fabric of his onesie. The infant's eyes blinked slowly, growing tired. Sanem's were doing something similar.
She smiled lazily at her husband as he returned from helping Mevkibe set up the spare bedroom. She held a finger against her lips, signaling for him to keep quiet as he cautiously settled down on the bed on the baby's other side, careful not to rock the mattress too much.
Despite the late hour, there was still a bright sparkle in Sanem's eyes which were still attentively transfixed on the baby falling asleep nestled on top of the duvet between them.
"He didn't exist," She spoke softly. "And now he does. It's so crazy."
"Yeah, it's pretty insane." Can agreed, smiling at the bright love in her eyes. The last nine months seemed to have flown by, it was strange to imagine the world as it had been before, when they had been 'two' rather than 'three.' Strange in a way that almost felt cold. It had been like this for less than a day by this had already become life now, and he couldn't imagine it any other way.
"I made him." Sanem whispered, her words full of awe, sounding joyful and proud and slightly bashful that she'd even spoken the words out loud.
Can chuckled, nodding his head in agreement. In his heart, he had known for years that she would be the best mother in the world, a truth he'd held with a certainty he'd scarcely felt before. Watching Sanem meeting their son for the first time in the hospital earlier had only solidified that belief. He had expected that seeing her like this, so utterly head-over-heels with their own child, would completely melt his heart like fluffy marshmallows floating in a cup of hot chocolate. But he was feeling something else just as intensely. Gratitude. She'd made them a family, and he was unfathomably grateful for it.
Can watched as Sanem gently brushed the back of her hand over the soft fuzz of hair on top of Azi's head. "Do you think he knows?" She asked, her eyes turning into warm pools of brown.
Can's forehead creased slightly. "Knows what?"
Sanem moved her hand, placing it over the baby's own as his arm reached out, curled in a little fist against the bedding. "How much I love him." She breathed.
Can's smile seemed to spread all the way through his entire body; there was nothing left of the marshmallows now. "He knows." Can promised. "I think he knew from the moment he looked into your eyes when he first met you. I think he knew from the fondness in your smile, and by how completely and utterly safe he felt when he was held in your arms. And I think he knew from the sound of the joy in your heartbeat long before he was even born."
Sanem's eyes flickered up to her husband's, blushing slightly. Being a dad had already turned him so soppy, even more so than he had been already. If it wasn't for the unrelenting throbbing of her insides (not the pleasant kind) and the sleeping baby between them, she probably would have jumped his lap.
In compromise, she whispered "I love you," Taking his hand across the sheets and entwining their fingers. "We should probably go to bed now." She pointed out groggily. It was nearing eleven pm of one of the most physically and emotionally exhausting days of her life but she didn't seem appropriately thrilled with the idea; she wanted to stay awake with Azi for a while longer. Her eyelids didn't agree.
Sanem sighed. Delicately scooping Azi up and placing him gently into the crib Can had positioned at the foot of the bed. She watched him for a few moments to make sure he settled down again as she sat awkwardly on the edge of the mattress. Sitting wasn't exactly very pleasant at the moment.
"I feel like a deflated balloon." She grumbled, poking her belly. "I'm all squishy."
Can shuffled towards her, enfolding his arms around her waist from behind. "You are beautiful, and I love you." He kissed the back of her hair sweetly. "I love you," He said again, moving to kiss her temple. "I love you." This time kissing her cheek. Repeating the words like a promise as they became muffled against her skin, continuing until she was grinning at the ceiling and leaning back against his shoulder.
She smiled, folding her own arms over his and letting her eyes fall back on the sleeping infant in front of them. She'd always felt secure in Can's arms but she couldn't help feeling slightly nervous now. "Are you scared?" She asked.
Can pressed his lips against the bridge between her neck and shoulder, taking a deep breath. "Truthfully... I'm slightly terrified," This was undoubtedly the biggest challenge he'd ever faced, scaling mountains and sailing over open seas seemed to pale in comparison. But he'd also never stood before a challenge so excited, or happy. And this time he would have Sanem by his side.
Sanem hummed, relieved that she wasn't the only anxious one. "Me too,"
Can squeezed her hand reassuringly. "We've got this," He promised.
Sanem sighed, squeezing his hand back in reply. We're gonna be okay, she tried to convince herself, but she wasn't sure if she believed the words. Raising a kid was difficult. She still had no real idea what she was doing; Azi was so beautiful and perfect and pure, she didn't want to mess him up.
A few minutes of stillness passed before Can spoke again, whispering the words against her skin and distracting her from her thoughts. "Thank you,"
Sanem's forehead creased slightly. "For what?"
"For him," Can nodded towards Azi. The words needing no further explanation.
She grinned slightly. "Your welcome," She twisted round to press a kiss against his cheek. "You ready for the first in a long line of sleepless nights?"
"More than ready. Bring it on." He challenged.
--- --- ---
Sanem woke, for the first time, not to the sound of a crying baby but to quiet stillness, to rays of bright light seeping across the bedroom and to the sound of birds serenading the morning sun. It was already hot, suggesting she'd missed out on a good chunk of the morning, but if the warm sheets on Can's empty side of the bed was any indication, he hadn't woken up much earlier than she had. And by the looks of the crib, he had taken Azi with him. He must have let her sleep in.
Sanem stretched out her limbs, yawning and catching the taste of something sweet in the air drifting up from the kitchen downstairs. Was that -
Was that pancakes? And something chocolatey too.
Sanem got up, wrapping her dressing gown around her shoulders before heading downstairs to find her boys and to investigate why the house smelled like her favorite breakfast.
She entered the kitchen to find her mother standing over the stove and Can holding their son in his arms as he looked through the windows of the sliding door out over the garden - which was looking remarkably colorful this morning. The sunlight had washed the whole room in a golden glow. Sanem leaned against the doorframe, taking it all in. Warmth spread through her body at the sight of her family, a feeling that reminded her of climbing under fluffy blankets during cold winter days and watching rain run down the windows while she was safe and warm by the fireplace. It left her feeling entirely content and all fuzzy inside. She half felt like she was in a dream, but no amount of blinking or head shaking would make the serene image in front of her slip away.
"Günaydın," Sanem sleepily greeted her mother before walking over to Can so she could say hello to Azi, smiling at him as she tickled his tummy, before kissing the top of his head. She laughed and began untangling his hand from her hair after he reached out for it.
"How are you feeling?" Can asked, smiling when her hair was finally free.
"I'm fine. Perfect." She smiled back, before heading over to spy on her mother's cooking. She'd been right. It was pancakes - with chocolate chips mixed in.
"I love you," She thanked her mother with a hug from behind.
Mevkibe smiled. "Of course, Sanemcim." She said turning around. "I'm your mother, it's my job to feed you."
Mevkibe pulled her daughter into a tight hug that seemed to last a suspiciously long time before she began bombarding Sanem's cheeks with loud, smothering kisses.
"Anne!" Sanem protested, trying to half-heartedly squirm out of her mother's embrace. Mevkibe finally released her after a few moments, holding Sanem's face in her hands.
"You're my baby, Sanem." Mevkibe took a deep breath. "It doesn't matter that you have one of your own now, you will always be my baby girl and I love you."
Sanem was slightly startled by her mother's sudden seriousness but smiled at the fondness in her tone. "Okay..." She replied. "I love you too."
The moment was broken by the ringing of the doorbell. Sanem offered to get it, opening the door to find Deren with Arslan, his tail wagging as he strained against the lead, eager to get inside.
"Hey buddy," Sanem cooed, leaning down to cuddle his face in her hands. "How was he?"
"He was fine. I didn't have any dog food so I just gave him some chicken last night. I hope that was okay." Deren admitted, handing over his lead.
Sanem laughed. "I'm sure that was fine, he must have loved that. Thank you for looking after him."
"No worries. I imagine you had your hands full."
"Yeah, that's an understatement." Sanem smiled. "Have you had any breakfast? My mom's cooking pancakes," She indicated through to the kitchen. The offer of food wasn't entirely innocent, she wanted to show her little boy off again already. Though perhaps Deren wasn't the most approachable target.
"I shouldn't, but thank you. I'm already late for work, maybe some other time." Deren suggested, already on the way back to her car. Sanem waved goodbye, a cheeky smile on her face. Azi would win Deren over eventually.
Sanem led the dog through to the kitchen. It was time for an introduction.
"Look who it is," Can said, turning the baby around so he could meet the first of his four-legged housemates.
Arslan, despite his best qualities, was not very observant, he took a moment to even notice there had been an addition to the household. His tail stilled when he caught sight of the bundle in Can's arms, but Sanem felt as though his quietness was from curiosity rather than fear.
Sanem knelt down on the floor, keeping one hand hooked around Arslan's collar as she indicated for Can to bring the baby over. Mevkibe almost protested but Sanem insisted they would be fine. They would be living together. They would have to meet each other sooner or later.
Can settled down in front of her, just close enough for Arslan to reach out with his nose but leaving enough space to move away if necessary. Arslan didn't move at first. He shot a nervous glance at Sanem before he very slowly leaned forward and pushed his soft nose under Azi's arm. The little boy was watching the dog intently with wide eyes, but he didn't complain.
Mevkibe let out a deep breath. But of course Sanem had known Arslan would be this gentle. She smiled, praising him and letting go of his collar.
Arslan stepped back before playfully dashing to the other side of the room to his toy box, returning with his favorite teddy, a plushy moose, and attempting to hand it over to Azi.
Can laughed. "I think he has enough of his own teddies, Arslan."
--- --- ---
Azi made the most adorable noises when he was feeding. Well, in all honesty, he made the most adorable noises all the time. But there was something so pure about nursing him that triggered every protectively maternal instinct in Sanem's body and made a warm mushy mess out of her heart. She knew nursing was supposed to be good for bonding, but she hadn't really taken into account that it would be such an intense two-way thing. She kept waiting for the warm feeling in her chest to disappear, but as of yet, it had not.
Ugh, she just loved him so much. Loved his chubby little cheeks, his gentle sighs and the way his tiny little hand liked to be holding onto something as he fed. She learned pretty quickly to tie her hair up to stop him hanging onto it, offering him her fingers to hold instead.
Leyla had been right about having someone to cuddle, he rarely tolerated being out of her arms, and she found she rarely wanted to let go of him either. For the first few weeks, Azi unhelpfully refused to fall asleep unless he was in Sanem's arms, which was not only incredibly inconvenient for Sanem but disheartening for Can.
"Don't worry yourself about it son," Mevkibe promised him. "They've had nine months to get to know each other. You are still practically a stranger to him, it won't take him long to warm up to you. Nihat was Sanem's favourite by the time she was four months old." Mevkibe sighed deeply before chuckling. "That girl has always know how to break my heart."
Azi's crying sounded loud to Sanem but everyone else insisted he was not a particularly noisy little thing, the nurse suggested it might have been a consequence of him being slightly preterm, but considering he was as fit as a fiddle they also suggested it might have just been how he was. His lungs seemed to work perfectly fine and when he really wanted to he could let out a fierce little squeal. Yet most of the time he simply chose not to. Can was half certain it was because Sanem seemed to just know what to do with him before the quiet crying could spiral into tantrums.
He had the sweetest temperament, a fact Mevkibe wouldn't stop gushing about. "He is an angel in comparison to how you used to be Sanem. You were a colicky little nightmare," She tutted. "Never gave us a moment's rest."
Sanem wasn't sure if it was just grandmotherly instincts but Mevkibe was completely besotted with the little boy. She was the mushiest grandmother in the world. But Sanem had to agree, Azi was such a little sweetheart - not that she had anything to compare him to. But that didn't mean it was easy. Having a newborn was messy and exhausting and soul-dredgingly demanding but they treasured every moment of it.
--- --- ---
Over the first few weeks, their house turned into a merry-go-round of family and friends coming and going with offers to help out or simply the desire to fawn over their little boy.
Naturally, Ceycey had been offended he'd been the only one to not be 'invited' to the hospital, Sanem tried to explain that no such 'invitations' were actually given out but Ceycey was having none of it. He had nearly fainted after opening up the email from Can and seeing the photo of Sanem with Azi in the hospital, showing up at their front door the next evening after work with Ayhan by his side and a bundle of flowers in his hand. The office had been quiet all day. He had missed his friend. He wasn't quite so keen on the baby in her arms but he hesitantly agreed to hold him when Sanem offered, happy when the little thing didn't start screaming. He handed the baby to Ayhan after only a few minutes, whose arms were much more welcoming. She was smitten with the little boy and had already adopted calling him her nephew.
Can's friends arrived a few days later. Staying just for a short time to congratulate them both and shower them in even more baby presents. Sanem was going to have to put a ban on gifted teddies, Azi's room was overflowing with them. But she appreciated the sentiment nonetheless and appreciated it, even more, when Metin and Akif volunteered to take Arslan out occasionally on the weekends.
Aziz visited as often as he could. Taking every chance to spend time with his grandchild but not wanting to be a burden. Azi seemed to bring him to life, an improvement Can was hoping would stick around for a while.
Huma's thorns had all but withered away; a prickling rose turning into a bright sunflower. The woman, who Sanem had only a few months ago stood frozen in her doorway at the sight of, now brought a smile to her face whenever she arrived at the house. Truthfully, it was the gifts she brought with her, rather than Huma herself that created Sanem's smiles. But Huma would take what she could get. Overflowing bags of groceries, snacks and pre-cooked meals were dragged in from Huma's car with Emre's help. The fridge was considerately kept fully stocked. One less thing for the new parents to worry about.
It was a surprise when Huma showed up a few days later with more than her usual presents in tow. Azi was two weeks old when Sanem found her mother-in-law on the front decking accompanied by a very large and mysterious cardboard box. Inside was a rocking chair. It nearly made Sanem watery-eyed. A white, wooden frame with intricate flower patterns along the arms and top rail, with padded cushions that made Sanem feel like she was sinking into them. The seat was large enough that when they really tried, both her and Can could fit into it. Though she had to half be on his lap, or fully on it. Whatever. Can didn't mind.
Huma still hadn't held her grandson. Sanem wasn't entirely sure what held her back from offering, but Huma didn't press, content she'd even been let this close. Watching from a short distance was better than not being able to watch at all.
The cats were not impressed. They'd been uncharacteristically absent on the evening they had first bought Azi home and the quietness continued for the first few days, choosing instead to retreat into the peaceful safety of the downstairs bedroom.
It only took them a few days to come around. Once they realised the squirmy little alien was, in fact, not a threat despite the noise he made, they began to venture back into the rest of the house. The armageddon alarm retracted.
It became a bit of a problem when their apprehension turned into infatuation, and they began to make every attempt to snuggle up in the crib with Azi while he was sleeping, it was adorable but it wasn't entirely safe for the newborn so Sanem made the decision to lock them out of the bedroom. The whining only lasted a few days.
Azi seemed just as equally curious about them, reaching out to touch their fur whenever the cats joined them for naptime on the sofa. Cuddling up to Sanem's side and allowing the baby the prime sleeping spot in her arms. Their purring seemed to help Azi fall asleep.
Arslan, restricted by his size but wanting to joining in with nap time too, liked to watch the baby sleeping against Sanem's tummy, pushing a gentle nose under the baby's wrist and staying there, quiet and still for what seemed like hours. He remained just as gentle and soppy as he had been the first night they'd bought the baby home. Calm and careful as if Arslan knew Azi was delicate. Their nanny dog was also the perfect distraction when Azi's undiagnosed crying wouldn't stop.
--- --- ---
Mevkibe stayed with them for what was only supposed to be one week but soon began creeping towards two. She was more than happy to help the new parents get on their feet - and gain a head start on bonding with her grandson - but truthfully, after the first few days, they didn't really need her there. But Sanem kept finding reasons for her mother to stay a little while longer.
--- --- ---
Sanem had protested using the baby carrier at first, it looked silly and awkward and they had arms didn't they? They might as well use them. But her protests died down when she realised how convenient it could be, and by some miracle, Leyla managed to find them one that was not only small enough to carry a newborn but that had large enough shoulder straps so that Can could wear it too.
Sanem had just stared the first time Can and Azi had tried it out, aware that it was super cute while also holding back the temptation to laugh at her husband.
Once Azi had gotten used to it, Mevkibe insisted they no longer had an excuse to not get out of the house. Properly. Not just on short dog walks around the block, which really didn't count.
The sun was shining and both Can and Sanem were itching to get out, so, after getting Arslan in the car and a brief fight with the uncooperative safety buckles of Azi's car seat, they set off, not entirely sure where they were heading to.
They all but stumbled across the farmers market. Can had been attempting to drive along the lane running through the little village near their house but the blockade of colourful stalls, tents and trucks impeded their path.
Can raised his eyebrows in questioning. Sanem had never really considered farmers markets as something that could be fun - they seemed like the sort of thing elderly, retired couples went along to. Sure, she had walked through a few in the malhalle simply because they had been there and in the way but she hadn't taken much interest.
She nodded anyway. Smiling at how appropriately the idea seemed to fit in with their cozy little picture of domestic bliss they had made for themselves.
Can found somewhere to park, then Azi was hitched onto Can's chest in the carrier and Sanem took charge of Arslan and did her best to stop him from accidentally eating any of the produce. She wasn't entirely successful. Who knew dogs liked lettuce? The stall attendant wasn't entirely impressed but softened when Sanem explained that she had been distracted by Azi's excited squeal at a bright cardboard bumble bee above the neighboring honey seller's tent. She apologised, paying for the damage before waving Azi's hand in reply to the attendant's farewell.
Through the eyes of an infant, the market seemed to take on a whole new energy. Azi was wide awake and staring mesmerized at all the colors and smells. He loved it. And if Sanem was honest, she did too.
They returned home an hour later, startled by a house that was near spotless. Mevkibe had cleaned it from top to bottom.
"What's this?" Sanem asked with apprehension, noticing the freshly washed and folded bedding sitting on Mevkibe's temporary bed.
"Lelya is coming to pick me up in a little while," Sanem nearly protested before her mother began speaking again. "Sanem. You are going to be fine. The last three days you haven't even needed my help, you might not be aware of it but you definitely do not need me holding your hand anymore. You've got this."
Still, she couldn't help feeling like she'd been left in a bull ring without a muleta as she watched Leyla's car leave their driveway a short while later.
She sighed. Returning inside the house and through to the living room where Can and Azi were laying down snuggled up on the sofa. She joined them, managing to just about squeeze beside Can on the cushions.
She brushed her fingers soothingly over Azi's little arm as he rested against his father's chest, still unwinding from their adventure. It had been a big day for him.
"You okay?" Can asked, aware she was apprehensive about her mother's departure.
Sanem nodded, smiling nervously at him. We're gonna be fine, she thought. But the words still didn't settle quite right.
Arslan took the opportunity to jump up on the cushions by their feet, curling up and, naturally, laying himself over them and trapping their ankles. He was a good foot warmer.
As they tended to do, the cats joined them too. Fitting themselves into any gap they could find.
Can raised an eyebrow, bemused; it was getting a bit crowded. "There were six in the bed and the little one said -" He began to sing, making Sanem laugh. She nuzzled her nose into his shoulder, smiling. "What do you think?" He asked softly after a moment.
"About what?"
"About the six of us?" He pondered. "Seems like a lot..."
Sanem looked at him. He held an expression on his face that over the years Sanem had learned meant he was making a statement but asking a question.
She grinned. "Oh, I don't know. I reckon we could fit a couple more in."
"A couple?" He smiled.
"Sure," She nodded, cheekily. "Pomeranians don't take up too much space. Maybe even-" But the joke was cut off when she caught sight of the sleeping infant against Can's chest. Oh.
Oh.
"Can," She said quietly, sitting up. "He's asleep."
Can looked down at the baby, eyes closed and peaceful, his chest rising and falling slowly. "Oh," He whispered.
"He's asleep. On you." She pointed out, dumbfounded. A warm smile spread across her face. Finally, she thought.
Can beamed, the smile reaching all the way to his eyes.
"We're gonna be okay," She whispered.
And for the first time, the words didn't feel like a lie.