I sat in a cold hospital not knowing what to do or not knowing anyone.
My brothers were in Clemson, my Mom and Sister were in California, and Ryder was on tour.
So there I was.
A scared twenty year old all alone.
I called my siblings and my Mom and they tried to keep my calm but I couldn't stay calm. My Dad just had a seizure.
I didn't want to bother Ryder, so I just left him a text. He was probably getting ready for a concert anyway.
"Hi, Miss. Johnson, I'm Doctor Lindsey. Your Father obviously had a seizure and we see that he has a brain tumor." The Doctor spoke
That kept booming through my head as she explained what a brain tumor was.
A brain tumor? My Dad? The guy who won the super bowl three times, ran a whole organization that gave back to underprivileged people, and had a beautiful family had a fucking brain tumor?
"Now the tumor is a pretty significant size, but we do believe that it isn't cancerous. There is no sign of cancer in his body." She continued
I nodded, "So he's going to need surgery?"
"Correct." Dr. Lindsey confirmed, "I'd say he needs to have surgery as soon as possible, we have the best doctors around. We could have him ready for surgery as soon as tomorrow morning. I . understand if you need time to talk to your m-"
I shook my head, "No just get him ready now. This is what she would want."
She nodded, "Ok, he's in a room now and you can go see him. I'll walk you there. I'll get him scheduled."
"Thank you so much." I said taking a deep breath
The doctor looked down at my hand, "Oh, congratulations."
"Yeah, thank you. I wish he was here now." I sighed as I followed her
"Work?" She wondered
I let out a small laugh, "Yeah something like that."
"Football player like your Dad?" Dr. Lindsey asked me
I shook my head, "He's a singer and on tour. His name is Ryder."
"Ryder James?" The Doctor asked shocked
"Yeah, that's my boy." I confirmed
"Well, I was in the building when you got engaged then. I was with my two daughters." She informed me
I grinned, "Yeah, he really got me that night. I didn't see it coming."
"Well, Miss Johnson. Congratulations. I'll come let you know about your Dad's surgery within an hour." The Doctor ended as we stood outside the room
"Thank you again," I said to her before I walked in
"No problem." She ended
I saw my Dad laying in the bed with ESPN on.
"You just can't stop can you?" I grinned
"Nope, come sit down." He told me
I sat down in the chair next to his bed, "I called Mom and Grier, they should be getting on a flight soon. The twins are driving up from Clemson."
"You're having surgery tomorrow morning," I added
"Holland, don't worry about me." He spoke
"Daddy! How am I not supposed to worry about you!" I questioned him, "You're my Dad and I love you."
My Dad was silent, "I know, I'm sorry. I'm so lucky that you were there. I love you too and no matter how old you get you'll always be my Holly."
"I know, I know." I smiled, "We're gonna get past this."
"We will. This is just a small bump in a road." He assured me
The next few days were agonizing.
Everyone was back in Charlotte for my Dad's surgery minus Ryder.
It felt like he could care less about my Dad because he was on tour. I couldn't blame him though. I was the one who encouraged him to go back on tour in the first place.
But luckily for the Johnson family, my Dad was gonna be okay. They got all of the tumor out or most of it but it was good enough for us. This could have been so much worse.
He was allowed to go home a few days after surgery and we all stayed over at my parents'house.
I just wanted Ryder to be here.
A week went by and we never really found the time to talk to each other on a deep level. He wasn't done with concerts until late at night and by then I was asleep.
There was a part of me that resented him but at the same time, I knew he was doing what he had to do.
But I still was holding a grudge.
"Hey." I answered the phone as I laid on the couch
"How is your Dad?" Ryder asked me
"He's doing better, rocking the shaved head." I answered Ryder as I stared at the bucket next to me
"That's good, are you excited for Holland in two weeks?" Ryder wondered
Just as I went to answer his question, I threw up. Again. For the fourth time in the past hour and thirty minutes.
"Holland," Ryder said concerned
I got myself together and sat up, "What?"
"Did you just throw up?" He asked me
"Yeah," I answered softly, "It just started not too long ago."
"How many times have you thrown up?" Ryder went on
I shrugged, "Like four times, actually maybe five. I can't keep anything down."
"Holland." He said with his voice trailing off
"Dude, I'm not pregnant. I'm on birth control, you know this." I reminded him, "I have the flu."
"Gross, now I'm gonna be susceptible when I see you tonight," Ryder said to me
I raised my eyebrows, "Oh you're finally coming to see us."
"Sounds a little passive aggressive." Ryder pointed out
"Well, I'm cooking tonight." I told him
Ryder made a noise, "You are not. I'll cook tonight. I'll grill something."
"You know my Dad is picky about what goes on the grill." I reminded him
"Well, he was the one who taught me how to grill so I think I got this. I'll see you in about two hours, ok?" Ryder asked me
I nodded, "Ok, I love you."
"I love you more, bye baby." Ryder ended
As soon as I got off the phone with Ryder, I let everyone know that Ryder was grilling tonight. My Dad was so excited to know that Ryder was coming over and that he was grilling.
I tried to clean up the house, but I couldn't keep anything down.
But Ryder was supposed to pick up my prescriptions and I prayed that it would help.
There was no better feeling than opening up that front door and seeing my boy.
"Hey." I smiled as he sat the grocery bags down
Ryder wrapped his arms around me, "I missed you so much."
"I missed you more." I said as I hugged him
Ryder walked inside, gave me my medicine then went upstairs to give my Dad ballons and a get well soon basket.
"You know when you're feeling up for it, I'd love to beat you in a game of golf." Ryder joked
"Ah, you wish." My Dad laughed
I stood in the doorway as Ryder sat on the edge of my parents' bed. My Dad was propped up on the bed as they spoke.
"What are you grilling tonight?" My Dad asked me
"I got steak and chicken, the boys are supposed to help me out too." Ryder said to me
My Dad nodded, "Holland, I don't need your germs. Ryder get her she's been like this for two days."
"I'm in the doorway." I pointed out
"I'll take care of her too." Ryder said standing up, "I'll tell you when it's ready."
"Can't wait." My Dad grinned
Ryder walked out and placed his hand on my back.
"You're burning up." He spoke as we walked into my room
"Two days, Holland? And you didn't tell me?" Ryder asked as I sat down on the bed
"I didn't think you would care." I spoke honestly
Ryder raised his eyebrows, "You didn't think I would care? Holly, we're about to get married. I care about everything that's going on with you."
"It hasn't felt like it lately." I said honestly as he sat down next to me
"What do you mean?" He questioned me as he put his hand on my knee
"I know you're busy with the tour and I know what I signed up for when I started dating you but these past few days have been sent from hell. I felt like we've only said a hundred words to each other and I know communication works both ways but ugh." I vented to him
Ryder was silent, "Yeah you're right."
"I'm sorry for not being 100% there for you when you were there for me when my Mom was going through everything. I'm gonna try my hardest to make sure that I'm a hundred percent there for you. We just gotta make it to June and this will all be over." Ryder continued
I kissed his cheek, "Well then you should know that I ordered out my wedding dress three days ago."
Ryder smirked, "Did you now?
"I did, now go cook." I told him, "I love you."
"I love you, Holland." Ryder ended before he kissed me
He walked out of my room and I felt like I was walking on sunshine again.
Ryder stayed in Charlotte ask long as he could before he had to go back on tour, but the fact that I was going to be in Holland with him in a few weeks.
In the midst of photoshoots and editorials, our trip came fast.
There was nothing like him coming back to our apartment and packing together. I'd just stop and stare and think to myself that this man was about to be my husband. Everything I could ever want was in front of me.
I found someone who I could cry with, eat with, and laugh with. I had to realize that it was okay that we didn't have everything figured out because we were going to figure it out together.