"I think about him, but he thinks about her"
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Here I am, sitting on the arm chair next to the window in my room. My cup of coffee on the small table in front of me and the novel I’m reading in my hand, I have been staring at the same page for over 10 minutes. I think that's not the best time to read. I closed the novel and put it on the table and took my cup of coffee instead.
The weather is beautiful today, the sun is shining, it's warm but you can still feel a slight cold breeze which makes you feel in Toronto.
I spotted a young boy who I assume is about 6 y/o riding a bicycle and a girl who looks 6 as well riding her bicycle behind him. He kept looking back to check up on her. She seemed to be struggling with keeping steady, 2 seconds later she fell off of her bike, even though it wasn't that bad as she was cycling in a low speed, the boy got off of his bike and rushed to her, he helped her to stand up, and when he was sure that she is okay he hugged her. I found myself smiling instantly looking at them. This somehow reminded me of Shawn and me, I found myself drifting to a whole new place that my mind decided to take me to.
The moments - I thought - we shared. When he used to take my hand in his whenever I was nervous about something. The way we used to understand each other so well that we two would be with a group of people and I would know just by the way he is looking at me that he doesn't like the girl sitting next to him. We were/are connected in a way, it makes me feel worse to see that all of these things meant nothing to him, or was it just my imagination? Am I the one who created all of this to keep myself satisfied? To convince myself that he felt something for me?
I have been overthinking everything since yesterday. Since he told me he likes someone else. Someone better and someone who gives him what I couldn't give to him.
I try to push away the image of him and her that keeps lingering in the back of my mind. The thought of him holding her hand, looking at her in the eyes, kissing her... stop Callie, stop!
It's like no matter how hard I try to forget about all of these memories they make their way back to my head again. My mind and heart are in a battle which neither of them will win. My heart wants him, want to feel his touch, to smell his scent and to know the taste of his lips. While my mind wants to keep it's distance, to have some respect for myself and to forget that I once liked him. My mind is more convincing but my heart is blind, it keeps falling for the boys who will end up breaking it, stepping on it and going on with their lives without even knowing of the damage they caused.
I wish I was stronger, I wish it was easier for me to not think about him, but how can I not think about him when he has been the one haunting my thoughts for two years, the one I created all of these romantic scenarios with in my head.
I'm snapped out of my thoughts by a knock on the door.
"come in" I said whipping a tear that unintentionally escaped from my eye.
" hiiii" here he was standing by the door, wearing his black hoodie and black skinny jeans. His scent is all over the place and his smile lightening the room and the darkness inside me.
"hi" I said flashing him a weak smile.
"are you okay?" he asked making his way to me.
"yeah, I think I have a cold" I lied because I didn't want him to notice that my voice is cracked.
"we can stay home today if you're not feeling okay" he asked rubbing my arm gently. His touch sent shivers down my spine and I tried my hardest to ignore it.
"I’m not gonna spend my weekend at home" I said standing up and going to my wardrobe to choose my outfit for today.
He lays on the bed in front of me watching me pick my outfit. I feel so uncomfortable around him which is not usual for both of us. I took my outfit and went to the bathroom to change my clothes and get out to do my hair. I end up putting it in a ponytail.
"you look beautiful" he says smiling. Instead of being happy because of what he said, my heart is aching, aching because I know he doesn't mean it the way I want.
"thank you" is all I say before taking my purse to leave.
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"so, where are we going?" I ask him as we get out of the house.
"to the park, don't you miss it there?" he said smiling.
"I do" I said smiling back at him.
After 2 minutes of awkward silence we arrive at the park, it's 2 streets away from our houses and that's why we always used to go there.
We sit in our usual place. It was awkward for the first minute as neither of us said anything. It had never been this way between us. My mind is telling me that I’m the reason this is happening now, I’m treating him with silence, I’m punishing him for no reason other than loving someone else, I can't blame him, I’m the one who broke my own heart by thinking that someone like him would fall for someone like me. I want to have him by my side if not as a lover then as a friend at least. I'm not going to leave these thoughts inside my head ruin the one week that I have with him. God knows when I’ll see him again.
"okay so you didn't bring me here to start a staring game, did you?" I said chuckling. He has been staring at me for about a minute now.
"of course not" he said smiling.
"so, tell me anything" I said trying to start a conversation
"anything like what?" he said. This is getting more and more awkward.
"tell me how you and Erika met" I found myself asking this question without even realizing, it's like I keep on coming back to the same point I’m trying to escape from, to forget about.
"okay" he sighed " I told you we met at a café near where I’m staying in LA, I used to go there every morning to have my coffee, once I wasn't feeling okay and she kind of noticed it and then we started talking"
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FLASH BACK
Shawn's POV
I went to the coffee shop to grab my morning coffee as always, it seems like this is the only thing that hasn't changed about my routine since I left Toronto. I just keep reminding myself of what I’m trying to not think about, home, my parents, my sister and Callie. I miss Toronto and my friends, I miss being in my small bubble, I miss these days when my worst fear was not getting a good grade in my Math’s test cause my parents wouldn't let me go out if I didn't.
I didn't notice that my coffee arrived until I heard a girl's voice.
"it seems like something is on your mind today" a girl with blue eyes and blonde hair said. The same girl who brings my coffee every morning and the one I didn't even bother to know her name.
"yeah, kind of" I said trying not to sound rude but at the same time I don't want to talk about it especially with someone I barely know, well, someone I don't know at all.
"the bags under your eyes say it all, but don't worry about it, we all have bad days. Did you have breakfast?" she asked trying to change the subject, I guess she kind of felt I don't want to talk about it.
"no" I answered simply.
"we make some excellent cookies, do you want to try some?" she said smiling.
"I’d prefer muffins" I said "chocolate chip muffins" I added.
" yeah of course, I will be back in a minute, don't drink your coffee until I bring the muffins" she said and walked away.
It has been a long time since someone cared about me this way, it feels weird coming from her, but it also feels good that someone still cares.
"here you are" she said putting a plate containing 4 chocolate chip muffins.
"thank you" I said smiling.
"you're welcome" she returned the smile. As she was turning around and about to leave the table and to continue her work, I shouted for her.
"hey..." I remembered that I don't know her name.
"Erika, my name is Erika" she said turning around to face me, her sweet smile not leaving her face.
"thank you" I said playing with the fork I have in my hand.
"you already thanked me plus it's my job. You'll pay for these muffins, you know?" she said chuckling.
"no, I mean thank you for noticing that I wasn't feeling good and like I don't know caring about me?" it came out more like a question. This was better in my mind.
"oh, its fine, honestly you look really bad. I don't mean that you're not good looking. To be honest you're the most handsome guy who has ever stepped a foot in this Café. And people wonder why am I still single" she said whispering the last sentence to herself. I found myself laughing at her choice of words. She definitely has a good sense of humor. I guess all I needed was just good company.
"I rant a lot" she said "you look like you already have a lot to worry about and me talking about senseless shit doesn't make it any better" she continued.
"no, it's totally fine, I’m actually enjoying this conversation " I said and noticed her smile growing. "that's why I wanna ask you if you're free after you finish working? Can we maybe grab a coffee or something after you finish?" this is my first time asking a girl out. And as much as it might seem easy to you, I’m mentally punishing myself in the face now thinking about what I just said.
"no" she said. For a second, I was shocked, I didn't know what to say or how to act but she cut my thoughts saying " I don't want coffee, can it be a milkshake or something? I serve coffee all the damn time and obviously drink it way too often, it came to the point that hearing the word coffee make me wanna throw up" she said making a disgusting face that made the situation even more hilarious.
"okay fine, when do you finish working?" I asked her smiling.
" at 5" she said and turned around leaving me to my thoughts, was what I did right or not?
END OF THE FLASH BACK
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Callie's POV
I heard him talking about his first time talking to her, it affected me more than I thought it would, it killed me to know that someone else was there for him instead of me when he needed someone. It makes me feel that I was replaced, that I’ll be slowly fading away from his life till I just become a neighbor, someone who he used to hang out with, someone he used to tell his secrets to and someone who loved him, but he never knew.
"that's adorable" I found myself saying this. I promised myself yesterday that I will feel happy for him, his happiness is what matters the most, even if I’m not the reason of this happiness. I think not loving him isn't an option or something I could do so I will live with it, but it will keep on fading until hearing him saying her name won't hurt as much as it hurts now and until saying his name without my heart aching is something I will be able to do.
I once read a quote that I think fits this situation perfectly.
"I can love you and still let you go"
So dear Shawn, you'll always have a special place in my heart, a place no one had or will ever have. I will keep on loving you truthfully until my last breath, I will keep on consuming my feelings for you when you're head over heels for another girl, I will think of you on a rainy night or whenever I see a shooting star while the stars will be reminding you of her. I will keep on telling myself that maybe, maybe one day you'll notice that girl who's dying to experience the feeling of her lips on yours and dying to hear 3 specific words roll from your lips to make her world complete. I guess I will just be sitting here wishing for my wishes to come true, seeing you living the life you deserve with a person who makes you happy and wishing it was me.
His phone ringing snapped me out of my thoughts.
"it's Erika, she wanna FaceTime me cause I told her we're spending time together" he said with a cheerful smile, as if this was what I needed.
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If you feel sad and with mixed emotions, then congrats to me!!! I succeeded in writing this chapter. But if you don't feel anything it's alright! What do you expect from a lazy and untalented person like me who posts every century? So sorry for being SO INACTIVE! I had no inspiration and I had LOTS of exams!
I hope I made it up for you by this LONG CHAPTER (it's over 2k words kids) and I hope you forgive me! Your opinion on this means the absolute world to me!
Don't forget to vote and comment it only takes you couple of seconds, but it makes me happy and encourages me (I sound so desperate lol) anyways! Hope you enjoy this chapter!
Love you!❤️X