CHAPTER 32 — Accept Me Again
Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa aking nakita. Celine was standing right in front of our opened gates. She was wearing a simple white dress and a brown sling bag. Hinahangin ang kaniyang buhok na paulit ulit niyang hinahawi upang ayusin.
Mas lalo akong nanlamig nang kumunot ang kaniyang noo habang nakamasid sa sasakyan naming papasok sa gate. I could clearly see her face from where I'm seating but I'm not sure if she could see me because the windows of the car are heavily tinted.
Tila naubusan ako ng dugo at pakiramdam ko ay namumutla ako habang sinusundan niya ng tingin ang pagpasok ng aming sasakyan.
I looked at mom, worried was all over my face. She was confused for a while until I saw a wave of understanding in her eyes.
"Mom, that's Celine!" I whispered to her but I can clearly hear the tension in my tone.
Kalmado lang si mommy nang titigan niya ako at hawakan ang kamay ko. "Is she, anak?" She sighed. "I do not know anything about this..." Lumingon siya kay daddy. "William?" tanong niya rito.
Napansin ko ang sandaling paninigas ni daddy sa kaniyang kinauupuan. He was sitting in the front seat that's why I wasn't able to see his expression. But when he turned to us, I saw his apologetic face.
Naguluhan ako. Bakit narito si Celine? Nilingon ko silang muli. Nang makita ang lalaking kaniyang kasama ay nawala ang lumukob sa aking takot. I thought it was Conrad! When, in fact, it was just Tito Enrico! But the tension in my nerves started to come back when Tito Ariel stopped the car's engine and opened the door.
Lumunok ako nang maraming beses. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ba ang dapat maramdaman. I should be happy that she's here, right? I should be excited because finally, after so long, I saw her again. Pero hindi ko magawang maging masaya dahil kinakain ako ng matinding takot. It was like I was back to the insecure Elaine who was so afraid to be judged by the people around her.
Is she here to confront me? Is she here to tell me how mad she is to me because I left her and never returned? Is it because I didn't say goodbye to her when I left for good? Is this because I lied to her and she's here to tell me how stupid I am to do that to her?
Hindi ko namalayan ngunit nakasapo na pala ang aking isang kamay sa aking dibdib habang tumutulo isa isa ang aking mga luha. I also realized that daddy was not in the car anymore. It was only me and mom who were left here.
Tiningnan kong muli si mommy. Nanghihingi ng saklolo. Dad did not explain why Celine was here. If she's with Tito Enrico, is it possible that she heard the news from him?
Ang pag-uwi namin ay hindi lingid sa kaalaman ni Tito Enrico dahil nasabi ito ni daddy sa kaniya. It was because he wanted to talk about the business and he told him that our family is coming back. Nasabi kaya ni Tito Enrico kay Celine ang lahat kaya siya sumama?
There were a lot of questions in my mind right now and I can't comprehend everything. Naguguluhan ako lalo na dahil may kaakibat iyong matinding pakiramdam ng takot sa aking dibdib. Dumadagundong ng husto ang puso ko sa takot!
"Elaine, this is what you've been waiting for. This is what you want, right? To face them and ask for forgiveness?" usad ni mommy sa aking tabi. Hindi niya ako iniwan at patuloy akong inalo.
Wala na si Tito Enrico at si Celine na lamang ang naiwan.
We were still inside the car and I can see from Celine's face that she was waiting for us to get out. There were a lot of emotions in her eyes. Iba't iba at natatakot akong baka nangingibabaw ang galit doon. I was so scared thinking that she is beyond mad at me. Baka nga kinasusuklaman na niya ako. Pero ano bang karapatan kong katakutan iyon gayung ako naman ang may kasalanan upang maramdaman niya iyon?
"Calm down, anak. Nanginginig ka," mom uttered worriedly while holding my hand tightly.
Hindi lang ang aking mga kamay ang nanginginig kundi ang buong pagkatao ko rin! This is not how I imagined our first meeting would happen!
Pinunasan ko ang mga luhang bumuhos. Nilulukob ako ng takot ngunit hindi maaaring magkulong lang ako rito sa sasakyan. I gathered all the strength I have. Marami akong natutunan sa mga lumipas na taon at dinala ko iyon hanggang ngayon. Binigyan ako niyon ng lakas ng loob upang harapin ang iba't ibang problema. Lahat ng inipon kong lakas ay nilikom ko upang harapin ito. Isa pa lang ito sa mga kailangan kong ayusin ngayong nakabalik na ako.
"We'll go out once you're ready," mom said.
Lumingon ako sa kaniya at suminghot nang ilang beses habang sinusubukang huminahon. I was still doubting myself if I would ever be ready to face this but then, I still held the door's handle, ready to face whatever's waiting for me.
Nakasunod si mommy nang lumabas ako. I suddenly wanted to run behind her and hide. Hindi ko pa naranasan ang ganitong takot sa buong buhay ko. If Celine can make me feel this way, what more if it's already Conrad? Nanginig ako sa takot sa isiping iyon.
"Mom..." I whispered, so scared while holding her hand. Para bang nagbalik akong bigla sa pagiging bata.
"It's fine, anak. Let's go inside first," she murmured in my ears. Tumango ako at nararamdaman ko ang mga yapak na sumusunod sa amin.
Ni hindi ko siya kayang tapunan ng tingin. I don't want her to misunderstand anything but I am really horrified by her presence! Hindi ko magawang padaan man lang ng tingin kahit ang anino ni Celine. She didn't deserve this kind of treatment from me but I really fear looking at her!
Nang makapasok sa loob ng bahay ay magkahawak kamay pa rin kami ni mommy. All of a sudden, she became my strength and guard from all the horrifying things that might happen to me today.
Ang paghaharap namin ni Celine ay hindi ko inasahan na mangyayari sa unang araw ko rito sa Pilipinas. I was expecting that it would happen a few days after coming back here. I was planning to settle everything first before I appear in front of her. And I was still thinking of the right words to say when we meet again. Ngunit hindi nga siguro napaghahandaan ang mga bagay bagay. Destiny has its own time and, probably, this is the right time for us to finally meet and talk.
There were two maids who were waiting for us when we entered the house. They greeted us as we walk further inside.
There wasn't a big change. Ang napansin ko lang ay napanatili ang kagandahan nitong bahay. Mukhang pininturahang muli upang magmukhang bago. The furnitures were still the same and the only new decoration I saw was the family portrait hanging on the wall in the living room.
Naalala ko pa kung kailan ito kinuha. This was taken, I think, two years ago. It was my mom's birthday and daddy came up with the idea of having a formal family picture for the three of us. Iyon ang pinakamagandang family picture namin. It wasn't the first but definetly the most special one for me.
Nakatulala ako sa portrait nang unti unti kong maramdaman ang pagtanggal ni mommy sa pagkakahawak niya sa akin. I was taken back to reality when I felt her loosening her grip from me.
She gave me a smile of assurance and turned to face the girl who was with us the whole time.
"Good morning, hija, you must be Celine, am I right?" malumanay ngunit maligayang bati ni mommy kay Celine.
I was still not looking at her. I was looking everywhere but her.
Napansin ko sa anino ni Celine ang paglapit niya kay mommy. Until I saw her feet in front of us.
"Hi po!" masiglang bati niya.
Nakagat ko ang aking labi. How can she be this excited when all I felt was guilt and fear?
"I'm, Celine. Kayo po ba ang mommy ni Elaine?"
Napakislot ako sa pagbanggit niya ng aking pangalan. I didn't expect this at all! She mentioned my name sweetly like it was very special to her.
"Yes, I am, hija. It's nice to finally meet you," bulalas ni mommy at tuluyan akong iniwanan upang lapitan si Celine. She hugged her and kissed her cheeks.
Nilunok ko ang mistulang bato na nakabara sa aking lalamunan. Sa pag-angat ko ng aking tingin ay hindi ko naiwasang makita ang masayang mukha ni Celine. She was still the same Celine that I met before. She was jolly and she always had this lovely smile on her face. Just by looking at her, you know that she can be a great friend to anyone. Nakakakonsensya dahil hindi ko man lang magawa ang ngiting ipinapamalas niya. Hindi ko man lang nasuklian ang kabutihan niya.
I gasped and stepped back when her eyes turned to me. She stared at me for almost one minute. Naririnig ko ang pitik ng nerbyos sa aking dibdib habang patuloy siyang tumititig sa akin. I cannot understand the expression on her face. I think it was sadness that I saw. Ngunit nang ngumiti siyang muli ay nabuhayan ang loob ko na baka... hindi siya galit.
"Elaine," she uttered my name.
It was so surreal. Ang akala ko noon ay hinding hindi ko na muling makikita ang matalik kong kaibigan. I almost accepted the fact that our friendship was over and it can never be the same again. Ngunit sa paraan ng pagtingin niya sa akin, umasa akong sana ay mali ang lahat ng inakala ko.
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa labi niyang kagat kagat niya at nanginginig. Tila hindi alam kung ano pa ang pwedeng sabihin. While I was blinded by my own tears, she walked towards me and lifted her hand to touch me.
Sa braso ko dumantay ang kaniyang kamay. Nanginig ako ngunit nang makalapit na siya nang tuluyan ay isang malakas na hikbi ang lumabas sa bibig ko.
I quickly stepped forward to meet her and hug her. Malalakas pang hikbi at narinig kong kaming dalawa na ang gumagawa ngayon.
"I'm sorry!" tanging mga salitang kaya kong sabihin sa puntong ito.
She was crying on my shoulders while I was hugging her so tight. Good Lord, I didn't even think that I can be with her again! More so, this kind of situation, I didn't expect it!
Inalo ako ni Celine at patuloy ang paghaplos sa likod ko. Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit siya narito. Kung bakit siya ang sumalubong sa akin at kung bakit heto siya at niyayakap ako.
"I'm sorry," I repeated again and again. I couldn't even count how many times I said those words while she's still hugging me.
"Sshh..." She was still tapping my back.
Ilang saglit pa ay bumibitiw na siya. Sobrang ikinatakot ko iyon. Pumikit ako nang mariin, handang handa na sa mga masasakit na salitang maaari kong marinig mula sa kaniya.
"I missed you!" she exclaimed in front of me.
Napadilat ako at nalalag ang aking panga nang makitang basang basa ang mukha niya ngunit nakangiti naman siya. She hugged me again, but this time, it was so tight I can almost feel her forgiveness.
Doon ko lang napansin na wala na pala si mommy sa aming tabi. There were nobody else here but the two of us. Naisip kong baka sinadya ni mommy na iwan kami upang makapag-usap. I was still stunned by the sudden turn of events. I was still thinking how this happened. Ngunit nang hilahin ako ni Celine patungong living room at pauupin sa sofa ay saka ko lang napagtanto na ito na ang pinaghandaan kong paghaharap naming dalawa.
"I know you are really, really tired right now, Elaine, because of the long flight and all, but I can't wait for a few more hours! I've been waiting for almost six years for your explanation!" bulalas niya sa aking harapan.
Namewang siya at ikinunot ang noo. Sobrang lalim niyon na parang may malalim din siyang iniisip. She sighed heavily like she was giving up something. Bumagsak siya sa tabi ko.
"Ano bang nangyari?" she asked me, trying to sport a calm face but just failed. Bumalik lang din ang kaguluhan sa kaniyang mga mata.
Ako naman ang humugot ng malalim na hininga. "I'm sorry..." I said for the nth time.
"Oh, for pete's sake, Elaine Joy Mendoza, stop with your apologies. I want explanations!" she mumbled frustratedly.
Bumuga ako ng hangin. Heto na nga talaga ang pinaghandaan ko.
"You just left like it was nothing. You didn't come back anymore like you didn't consider this place your home. You cut all ties between us and then all I can get from you is sorry? Oh, no, dear... I've been waiting for a clear and a good enough reason for your sudden disappearance." Hinarap niya ako at mukhang determinado siyang pigain ako ngayon mismo.
Yumuko ako at nilaro ang aking mga kamay. Nakakapagtakang wala pa ring alam si Celine. Conrad knows everything. All that happened to me and my family, he knows it. Bakit hindi pa rin ito alam ni Celine hanggang ngayon?
Hindi ako nagsalita tungkol doon. Baka madamay pa si Conrad sa anomang nararamdaman ni Celine para sa akin. Kung galit siya, gusto kong para sa akin lamang iyon. Nararapat naman ako sa galit niya.
"This wasn't really my home, Celine," I started in a low voice.
I saw her jaw dropped and I took it as a sign to explain it further. Iyon naman talaga dapat. Kung wala siyang kaalam alam sa lahat ng tungkol sa akin, kailangan kong mag-umpisa sa pinakasimula.
And so I told her everything from the very beginning. I told her about the lies, about who I truly was, my insecurities and my fear of being judged by them.
She was listening to me the whole time. It was like she was reading a novel, turning each pages and reading each lines very thoroughly, afraid to miss a single detail. Paiba iba ang nakikita kong reaksyon sa kaniyang mukha. There was anger, guilt, and sadness. Lahat ay negatibo at hindi na ako umaasang mapapatawad niya pa ako.
"I cut our communication because I thought it was the right thing to do. I wanted to just disappear. I wanted you to think that I was never really there. You didn't meet the real Elaine, afterall. Bakit importante pa na maalala niyo ako kung hindi naman na ako babalik pa rito?"
Pinalo niya ang aking braso. Sa sobrang sakit niyon ay ngumiwi ako. I was expecting painful words but she just hurt me physically. Bumuhos ang luha niya.
"You're bad," she said like a kid while crying so hard.
Hindi ko mapigilang matawa. I was taken back to the old times. Iyong mga maliliit naming tampuhan na sa huli ay natatapos din agad. I was really hoping that this one, the biggest mistake I did to her, is deserving of her forgiveness.
"Hindi ko hinihingi ang kapatawaran mo. But I was really hoping that I could explain myself to you. You are one of the most important person to me, Celine. You were my best friend. I still consider you as one. Pero..." mapait akong ngumisi. "I can accept the fact if you tell me that I am not your best friend anymore. If you can't consider it..." malungkot kong sabi.
"You are such a fool, Elaine," aniya sa matabang na tono.
Umawang ang aking bibig. This is it. She cannot accept me anymore.
"Ininsulto mo ang pagkakaibigan natin," sabi niya sa mga salitang iyon.
Napakasakit pakinggan pero baka nga iyon ang ginawa ko. It was true all along.
"I'd given you friendship. A real one and yet you threw it away like it wasn't important and special. Hindi mo ba naisip na kaya kong tanggapin kung sino ka man? We were kids! You were a kid who was scared of being judged, bullied and unwanted. Pero ganoon ang mga bata, Elaine! We are all scared of that. And because we wanted to protect ourselves, we do impossible things. Kung ipinaintindi mo sa akin ay maiintindihan ko iyon!"
Sunod sunod ang aking pagluha. Pinipiga ang puso ko sa bawat salitang sinasabi ni Celine. Lahat ng ibinato niya sa aking salita ay tinanggap ko ngunit winawasak naman niyon ang pag-asang pinipilit kong buhayin sa puso ko.
"And then what? You had a problem, you consider me as your best friend but you didn't tell it to me! Am I really being considered as one? Ano pala ako gayong hindi mo man lang nasabi sa akin ang mabibigat mong problema? Alam kong masakit balikan pero hindi ko maintindihan, Elaine. Why didn't you tell me about your family?" tanong niyang alam kong matagal na niyang hinihintay ang sagot.
"H-hindi ko rin alam kung anong dapat kong gawin noon," nanginginig kong utas. "My family was falling apart. The moment I knew that dad was having an affair with another woman, all I could think of was my mom and how I wanted to run back to her. I couldn't think straight anymore. Mom was devastated. She wanted me to go home to the states and leave dad."
Bumilog ang mga mata ni Celine. Mariin siyang pumikit pagkatapos. There was regret in her eyes. "Was that why you left?" she asked me.
"The first time I left was because of that. That summer was the most painful summer I ever had. I wanted a whole family but it was near to being broken. Natatakot ako kaya umuwi ako kay mommy para maunawaan ni dad na kailangan niya kami at hindi niya kayang mawala kami sa kaniya. I did everything so that he wouldn't leave us. I lied to you that time. You thought it was just a simple vacation when in fact, mom and I didn't have any plans of coming back."
Kinuha ko ang kamay ni Celine. Alam kong galit na galit siya. Alam ko rin na naaawa siya sa pinagdaanan ko noon. Celine is a kind person. Ngunit ayokong pagsamantalahan iyon. Gagawin ko ang lahat para lang mapatawad niya ako. Kung kailangan kong lumuhod ay gagawin ko.
"May alam ba si Conrad tungkol dito?" malamig na sabi ni Celine.
Tumaas ang lahat ng balahibo ko sa narinig mula sa kaniya. Doon ko napagtantong wala talagang sinabi si Conrad. Ngunit paano niya naisip na may alam ito?
"H-he knew about everything..." I said very apologetic. "But please, don't be mad at him," agap ko upang hindi na siya mas lalo pang magalit. "It was really me who wanted to lie to you. Ayokong malaman mo dahil... ayokong masira ang pagkakaibigan natin."
"But it was already ruined! All because of your lies!" she shouted with so much anger. Nang biglang matauhan ay sinubukan niya muling kumalma.
She was mad. She was just not giving it all to me. May karapatan siyang magalit pero hindi ko alam kung bakit niya pinipigilan.
"Kaya pala bigla na lang din nanahimik si Conrad. All of sudden, you vanished from our lives. Especially, from Conrad's life. Hindi ko maitindihan kung bakit biglang nawawalan siya ng gana kapag kinakausap ko siya tungkol sa'yo. He was doing everything just to stop any conversation that was about you. Iyon naman pala ay sinasadya niyo iyon dahil wala kayong balak ipaalam sa akin."
"Celine," pagmamakaawa ko habang inaabot ang kaniyang kamay. Hinawakan ko siya nang mahigpit. "Patawarin mo ako. Alam kong huli na ako nang maraming taon. Conrad has nothing to do with this. He's mad, too. Tinapos ko rin ang anomang namagitan sa aming dalawa kaya 'wag mo sana siyang idamay rito. Wala siyang kasalanan."
"You don't have to tell it to me, Elaine. Because I know how much pain you've caused my brother. I don't know what happened to the both you. It was also one of your secrets that you didn't intend telling me," malamig ang kaniyang tinig. "Pero alam kong sobrang nasaktan mo rin siya."
Nanlalamig ako sa pananalita niya at sa mga salita niya. Lalo na nang marinig ko ang tungkol sa galit ni Conrad sa akin.
"C-celine..."
"I came here to hear everything from you. Yes, you had your reasons. But it wasn't good enough for me to forgive you..." she mumbled the words that crashed my hopes.
Bumagsak ang aking mga balikat at nanlumo ako. Pinagbagsakan ako ng langit at lupa. Lahat ay sinukuan ako. Ang inipon kong lakas ng loob ay naubos.
Hanggang sa mapatalon ako sa gulat nang humikbing muli si Celine. "But I really missed my best friend!" she cried to me.
Niyakap niya akong muli nang mahigpit. Lahat ng nawala ay biglang bumalik. I should really not give up. Celine is still Celine. My ever loving best friend. The first person who accepted me even if everything was a lie. The person who still accepted me after hearing all the truths.
Sinuklian ko siya nang mas mahigpit pang yakap. I'll do everything, anything for them to accept me again.