"I think I've fallen in love with you, Grace." Ashley says to me, being very serious. He looks at me straight in the eyes and I think I can hear my heart pumping in my chest. I shouldn't have said anything! "I know this isn't ideal. You have your book and I have my tour, but you've been such a great influence of me."
"And you've helped me too, Ashley, but your whole life is in Australia. We've known from the start this couldn't work." I let out from the top of my head. I'm suddenly so nervous and my heart aches for him. I feel so bad. If only he knew that I'm with Marcel, he never would have thought that I was leading him on.
"I don't care right now. I'd fly to Japan if that's where you were. Why don't you love me?"
"I don't want you to think I am indifferent towards you. This is the sweetest thing you could have ever said to me, but we are both realising our dreams and it comes with a lot of baggage. We can't be a burden for each other." I try to not to break his heart because he truly means the world to me.
He is such a nice man and he has always treated me like a queen from the day we met. He's the reason I know my own worth now...
"I don't know what to say right now..." He sighs with a heavy heart and looks down again.
"I love you, Ashley. I really do, but we're not meant to be." I decide to tell, and I'm being very genuine about this. I'm just not in love with him. "You can literally have any girl you want. You just need to pay attention, and you'll see I'm not that special."
He chuckles and sighs, taking his head in both of his hands, elbows resting on his folded knees. It hurts to see him like this. I never would have thought his feelings for me could run so deep... I would never have thought he would have feelings for me at all.
I slide closer to him on the floor and caress his back circularly for a few seconds. I feel bad that I can't reciprocate his feelings. I love Marcel and I don't think it will ever change.
Ash straightens himself and I take back my hand before he presses his back to the wall the way it was. He sighs again and I decide to take his hand in mine to give a soft squeeze. Looking at his calloused hand, it reminds me of so many memories.
***
It's so dark here, at the boys's flat. I don't think there's more than a window. Ash and I are only lighted by the brightness of the telly as we are playing video games. Even though I am in a winning strike, I seem to lose focus on the game.
I am sitting on the futon alone as Ash is sitting on the floor right in front of me. He brings his hands high in front of him, always clicking multiple buttons on his remote to try to dominate the game I seem to have lost all interest in.
I look at his hands and think about how agile they are. It makes me wonder for how many years he has been playing the drums and for how long they have been a band.
"Since I was seven", he answers and I learn they have been a band for four years.
It's quite an achievement to be able to tour the UK and Europe after four years of being a band.
My attention goes back to his hands. He has long and strong fingers. His nails are squared and cleanly trimmed. I love to see the passion with which he does everything. I see the passion in his hands when he plays the drums, and I see it now, with the remote.
I put down mine and lean in so that my arms circle his neck and caress their way downwards. I rest my head against his and sneak a few kisses in the crook of his neck. I can't help but smile.
After everything that has happened in my life recently, my difficult break up with Steeve, me kissing Marcel, spending the entire night dancing, having fun and watching Titanic together, to have him turning back cold as soon as he drops me and all of my stuff at Sophie's and ignoring me now, Ashley is my worry-free zone. He helps me let go of my worries. He shows me how to have a good time. He makes me laugh like I never have before. It's a different dynamic than the last five years of my life. I'm thankful for him.
"Do you know how horny you make me feel right now?" I murmur sensually to him, biting the side of his ear very gently.
I hear him chuckle and in that delightful moment, I take in his scent. It's a perfect balance of a floral detergent, musk and a little sweat. It arouses me a lot. It's a scent very personal to him and it will always inspire me comfort. Ashley nevers asks anything of me.
"Playing video games?"
"Just by being so unproblematic. If I knew the boys were out, I would fuck you right now."
The response is immediate. He presses pause in a hurry and turns around to face me. He rushes his lips to mine. And it makes me laugh a moment, the time for our kiss to sync together. His behaviour brings me life, even though it was kind of expected. I love how genuinely he feels everything. He's so adorable and it makes me swoon entirely.
"Then we'll have to rearrange the situation." He gets up and tugs on my hand to pull me out of the living room/kitchen to get me to his room. We stop by the wall, where he presses his entire body against mine, grinding against me as he holds me captive with his kiss. He reaches blindly to his door knob and the old wooden door creaks as it opens.
I grin as I look the way to Mikey's door, being pulled in Ash's bedroom by its impatient and sexy master. I step back two steps and collide with the bed loudly. The metal springs echoe strongly in the room, but it doesn't seem to tame Ash's lust.
I sit on the bed and part my legs to pull him to me. I tug on his shirt and he gets it immediately off him. I reach for his bum and lean my lips to his hairy blond torso. He doesn't let me explore his body very much, he combs my hair out of my face with both of his hand, pushing my back to the mattress as he climbs on my lap.
After being very expressive in our little act of carnal pleasure, I lay silently next to his sweaty and naked body, still observing his fingers, but now, I'm toying with his hand. I run my thumbs along his palm and massage the tension in his calloused hand. His skin is so soft on the top and so rough under. It's interesting.
He looks at me making of circus of myself with his hand, but he doesn't say a thing. When I have rubbed every muscle, every knuckle, I close it on mine and bring it to my lips to kiss. I look up and meet his eyes. They are so kind, and it's so easy to read kindness in them.
For the first time in a very long time, I feel good about myself. I feel valued, by Ashley and by myself. For the first time in my life, I am treated as an equal in a relationship, whatever our relationship might be.
"When you guys are done shooting your porno, would you please come and help me move the instruments to our van? Dressed would be appreciated, thank you!" We hear Mikey say, and normally I would panic to have had an audience, but it makes Ash laugh with such childish amusement that I can't help but to join along.
***
I hold his hand in both of mine and rub my thumb on the silky skin. I'll miss him, but it's better to have a soft break than to drag along feelings that will never be.
"So? With me telling you that I love you, does it change your mind about coming tonight?" He asks me softly, so it makes me look up from his hand to meet his beautiful and soft eyes.
"No. Unless... I would understand if you didn't want me to. I know Lucas won't probably want me there..."
"I want you there."
"Then, that's where I'll be."
"Would it be OK if we hung out after the show? Just the two of us?" I instantly step back and worry about his expectations of us. Reading me like an open book, he reassures me. "If this is going to be the last time we spend time together, I want this to be a proper goodbye. Plus, I have lots to make up for."
I can't help but to mirror his grin. A little part of me tells me that I shouldn't, that I should come back to Marcel after the show... but Ash is right, we won't see each other after tonight, and after what happened this week, I'd prefer for our memories of each other to stay good and not regretful.
"I would be honoured. I'll meet you there."
I smile to him gently, looking genuinely forward to our last time together. My mind drifts to other memories when Sophie suddenly comes back to mind. I turn to look at the door, but I can't hear any of the discussion happening inside.
"Why are you here by the way?" I turn to face Ash as I ask.
He stays silent for a few seconds, resting his head on his forearms that lays on his folded knee. He looks sideways to me, half of his face still hidden against his arm.
"Soph texted me to confirm your text. I couldn't be selfish, so I told her the truth."
"You could have just lied to her."
"No, I couldn't. She would have known eventually, and I couldn't risk for them to ruin their relationship. I know they're a weird match, but it works. Lucas always screws up and she is always forgiving him. He needs her more than he'd like to admit. I wanted to take advantage of the proximity for them to talk before the tour really takes off and you both can't join us anymore."
I smile to him, and I take a really good look at him. I close my eyes an instant and sigh. I'm very happy with his answer. I didn't expect that from him and it makes me realise that I don't know him as much as I thought I did.
"That's very thoughtful of you."
"They're my best friends..." He exclaims softly as if it answered everything. It only proves that he would do anything for them and I adore his loyalty.
He has so much more depth than I've always conclude. It's my fault to not have been attentive enough. He is a true gem, and I feel tremendously happy to be worthy of his feelings, but sad to not reciprocate his love for me. Maybe if I hadn't met Marcel, there could have been something between us. But it isn't the case. I love Marcel with my entire being, that's why I feel so troubled right now to feel a little torn. I instantly push it away.
"Will this change anything?" I ask him and when he does look at me, it's with a frown on his face. "The drugs?"
"Oh..." He only lets out and looks back down, with his chin on his forearm. "I hope..." He begins to say and the door opens in a hurry. "For their sake."
Our attention is immediately brought to the opened door and we see half of Lucas's silhouette coming out.
"You need to grow the fuck up, Lucas!"
"You're not my mum! I can do whatever the fuck I want."
"I shouldn't have to behave like your mum! I'm your girlfriend! But keep acting like that and you won't have one anymore!" She yells and closes the door behind him.
I shiver with terrible discomfort. My blood is freezing in my veins and I don't know what to do, or what to say. I think it would be best if I joined Sophie in her room to let her vent. But as soon as I make a single little movement, Lucas stares at me with an accusatory finger.
"This is all your fault!! I hate you!!" Lucas yell my way in a hurt and profound anger. I freeze and try my hardest to keep the tears from falling. I've never felt more bad in my life.
Ash puts his hand on my thigh to reassure me a little before he gets up to face his friend.
"Don't put this on her, you're hurt, and you should be. You test Sophie so many times, but I don't think she can forgive you as easily this time. And if you don't find a way to apologise and be the man she loves then you are going to lose her forever." Ash says, and I would be charmed by the maturity with which he handled his friend and this situation. But I'm too terrified by what Lucas has said to me. He is right. It's all my fault.
Sophie broke up with Lucas because of me!
.