It's the middle of the night, Daisy isn't able to get some shut eye. Just because she didn't have a nightmare last night doesn't mean she won't have one tonight. Plus, last night Timothée was laying beside her, she was in his naked arms and he held her tight so the nightmares wouldn't come near her. But tonight she was alone again, in her empty cold bed. And she feared going to sleep. She didn't feel safe all alone.
The door creaks open, and usually she would jump or gasp in fear but she could make out the sound of his gentle footsteps and his steady breathing so she was sure it was him. She also made sure to leave the door unlocked so he could slip on easily. He doesn't say anything, he must think she is asleep. It's been five hours since he stormed out, and Daisy was worried about him but she was happy he came back to her.
She notices that he doesn't get in the bed with her, instead he lay's on her couch and makes himself comfortable. It saddened her, but she understood why. Either way she let herself fall into a deep sleep because if he was in the apartment with her that meant she was safe from her nightmares and from the man that caused her nightmares, and she didn't have to fear them for much longer.
But Daisy was wrong because after the two of them had fallen into a deep peaceful slumber her sleep was no longer peaceful. She had the same nightmare she always had, the man in her nightmares clutches onto her, hitting her and forcing her into a room. He abuses her over and over again, and he strips her of her clothes harshly, not caring about the whimpers that escaped from her.
The nightmare is the same as it always has been, the only difference is that when Daisy looks up at her abuser with tear-filled eyes, his face is different, it is no longer round it's oval shaped and his hair is no longer slick back, instead it's curly and wild, and his eyes are not blue anymore, they are an emerald green, a green that she loved so very much. She can't help herself when she lets out a scream, and thankfully it was one strong enough and powerful enough to wake her up from her nightmare.
'Shhhh... shhhh.' He's shushing her, his hands are on her waist and he is touching her bare skin and she can't help herself when she jumps back in fear. Just his touch triggered her memories of the nightmare and of that particular night four years ago, and she didn't want to keep remembering. Timothée furrows his eyebrows at her. She is shaking, unable to control herself and when she brings herself to look into his eyes they are the same green ones that she had just looked into in her nightmare. 'Daisy?' He says confused.
The look she was giving him was one that he never saw before. He couldn't depict it so he tries to calm her down by placing a hand on her shoulder but she flinches and she jolts back trying to get as far away from him as she can. 'You're still having nightmares? I thought they were long gone.' Timothée says ignoring the fact that she obviously seemed to fear him for some reason.
'Yeah.' She manages to croak out. 'I lied about a lot of things. The nightmares are one of them.' As the words escape her Daisy realizes just how horrible of a person she has been. She lied to this boy countless times and all he wished to do was love her and cherish her and make sure she was okay. But she never gave him the chance because she's always telling him lie after lie.
'I'm sorry Daisy.' He says trying to inch closer towards her so his words are more sincere but Daisy leans back and her back touched the headboard of her bed harshly. 'I didn't mean what I said earlier.' He blurts out hoping those words will snap her out of her trance and she can come closer to him and engulf him in a hug. But instead Daisy shakes her head at him, and it seems that she is unable to look into his eyes.
'Yes you did.. and you're right I did change for the worse.' Daisy admits, staring down at her hands. Timothée's heart breaks as he listens to what she says.
'No.. don't say that.' He shakes his head. It saddened him that he was the reason she was feeling so down, he regretted his words the moment they left his lips and now it was getting to her, and she believed him.
'But it's true. You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it.' Although she had changed, it wasn't for the worse. She was still able to survive for this long, without anybody. And that in itself was a big accomplishment. She went to set every day and she probably had to suffer from nightmares all the time. Yet she was still standing on her two feet and she still had hope that maybe the next day would be better.
'I'm sorry.' He says and he means it. He shouldn't have gotten mad at her, he should have spoken to her with delicacy and love. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve the cruel treatment he was giving her.
'Don't be.' She says trying to form a grin but failing.
'Come here.' He says opening his arms for a hug but she doesn't come near him, he can see the goosebumps on her skin and the fear in her eyes and he can't understand why. 'Daisy why won't you look at me?' He asks reaching his hand out to hold her's but once their hands come in contact she stands up from the bed immediately and Timothée is shocked by the way she recoiled from him. 'Daisy, he isn't going to hurt you. I'm here.' Timothée say's with desperation referring to the man that raped her, the the man that haunted her nightmares, the man that he hated with every fiber of his being.
He tries approaching her once again, hoping she will finally relax but she doesn't. 'Daisy I said I was sorry.' He says puzzled, pain-filled and confused by her actions. But Daisy doesn't know if she should tell him what was really on her mind.
Instead she allows the tears she was holding back to run down her cheeks and Timothée's eyes widen as he watches her turn into an even bigger mess than she already was. Her cheeks are stained with tears and her shoulders shudder with every sob. It was tragic to watch her try to compose herself. 'What's wrong?' It couldn't be the nightmare, Timothée thought to himself.
But it was the nightmare.
'I just.. I don't know why?' Daisy cries and Timothée wants to hug her but he is afraid it will make her cry even more so he holds his ground and he keeps his hands to his sides. He can tell that she doesn't want to be touched right now.
'You don't know why what?' He asks her desperately, wanting this all to be over so they can be okay again, and so he can hold her again and lay in the bed with her again.
'Why it was you.' She mumbles, loud enough for Timothée to hear. Her words make him even more confused and he tries to piece together her words but he isn't able to understand her. 'I don't know why it was you.' She repeats to no one in particular.
'What?' he asks unable to understand. Daisy seems to have lost control of her breathing and Timothée takes notice of that. Usually he will hold her tight, caress her hair and whisper words in her ear, maybe even try to match her breathing with his, but right now it didn't seem like the right solution. 'Daisy breathe.' He tried to tell her holding his hands out but not coming in contact with her.
She is shaking and her eyes find his and she looks so fearful and helpless. 'I-In my nightmare.. it wasn't him i-it was you instead.' This time it is Timothée who feels as though he had lost all control of his breathing.
His eyes widen with shock and he tries to understand her words but he can't, he won't. 'I'm sorry.. I don't know why but.. but-' she tries to find a reason why her abuser's face was replaced with Timothée's face but she couldn't think of anything. And she was still shaking uncontrollably, still trying to calm down as the still fresh images of Timothée forcing her onto a bed and ripping her clothes off of her body crowd her mind. Usually she would be aroused or turned on by Timothée, but in the nightmare she screamed 'no' and cried for help but none of it mattered. And the memory stuck with her.. as if it were real.
Timothée sits down on the bed his hands on his head as he steadies himself and gains control over his thoughts. 'I was the one hurting you in your dream?' He asks, his voice almost a whisper. Daisy nods silently and although Timothée can't see her he already knows what her answer is.
'But why? Are you afraid I'm going to hurt you like that.. because if that's the case then Daisy I would never..' Daisy stops him before he can go any further.
'No! No timmy I'm not afraid of you.' She says trying to reassure him that she never had any of those kind of thoughts. In fact she felt most safe when she was with him, but after having that dream she just can't seem to understand anything anymore. 'I know you would never do anything to harm me.'
'Then why?' He asks, not particularly directing the question to Daisy but to himself instead. He kept asking himself why she would dream of him in that way. As a monster.
'I don't know.. I think it's my mind playing tricks on me.' Daisy says trying to put the blame on herself. She was regretting telling him. He seemed so hurt and she was the reason. Or at least her mind was.
'No.. there has to be a reason.' Timothée says searching his mind like a maniac for some sort of justification. If she loved him and he loved her back why did she have a nightmare that he was the one hurting her?
'I don't know.. I'm sorry.'
'Stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault!' His voice is harsh and mean. Almost as if he was mad at her for dreaming such a horrid dream. As if it were in her control to do that.
Daisy stops shaking but her breathing is still unsteady 'Why are you angry with me?!' She croaks, her voice cracking as the words escape her.
Timothée groans. 'I'm not!' He says loudly but once he realizes how loud his voice is he dials it back a bit. 'I just.. I'm angry with myself not with you because you probably had that dream considering how harsh I was with you today.'
Daisy is calmer now and she is able to take a step towards him, but not close enough to touch him because she still isn't ready to do that. 'That wasn't your fault.' She reassures him wanting this all to be over. Wanting him to believe her words.. but he doesn't.
'Everything is my fault.' he blurts out before breaking down into a fit of tears. The first time Daisy saw him this way was when they had met up at their favorite coffee shop after weeks of silence. He cried back then because he hurt her and he was begging for her forgiveness. Now Timothée felt like they were back to where they started.
'No- timmy please don't.' Daisy starts but he continued nonetheless. He never cried like this. He would shed a few tears whenever the situation called for it but he never shook with every sob and cried with all his might the way he was doing right then, it was heartbreaking to watch him shatter. 'Timothée I'm so sorry.'
She wants to approach him, to touch him but she's afraid it will trigger her memories. So she stays far away trying to calm him down with her words. 'We're a mess.' She begins and for a moment he is quiet and his sobs can't be heard anymore. 'Me and you are one fucking big mess but that's what makes us so perfect for each other.'
Timothée lifts his head up and reveals to her his tear stained cheeks and his glazed eyes. Daisy smiles at him, her smile broken but still a smile nonetheless. 'I hate myself so much.' he utters breaking her already broken smile and turning it into a frown.
'No. Don't say that. Why would you say that?' She says outraged with him. It was like that night all over again, but tonight it didn't seem like they were going to resolve anything.
'Because I'm not enough for you! You need someone who knows how to take care of you and who knows when you're telling the truth or when you're lying and I'm not that person. I always disappoint you.' he says, the pain evident in his voice.
'You never disappoint me.' Daisy tells him, and it was true. This time she want lying but how was he meant to believe her? She lied so much that he couldn't trust her anymore.
'But I do Daisy.. I disappoint you over and over again and it's not fair to you. I should have been there for you when Harvey died.' He brings Harvey up yet again and it feels like a stab in the chest. But Daisy tries not to let it faze her.
'You were there for me!' She convinces him but of course he is just way too stubborn to listen to her and their trust might as well have been broken by now.
'No.. I should have stayed longer.' He starts looking away from Daisy. 'And today after our argument I shouldn't have stormed out. We had such a good night and I fucked it all up.'
Why was he blaming himself? Daisy thought. I lied to him over and over again. It should be me who is taking the blame.
'Stop fucking blaming yourself! This is my fault too!' She screams angry with him and with herself. Timothée shakes his head. He was fed up with their arguing. They hadn't had an argument like this, not ever and it was way too much to handle.
'Fuck Daisy.. can we just go to bed? I'm so sick of fighting with you. Please.' She doesn't say anything she just nods her head slowly because she agrees with him and to her surprise he doesn't get in the bed with her, instead he heads for the couch again and without wishing her a good night he somehow goes to sleep.
she doesn't.
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I know this chapter was so stressful to read and it was way too long but I wanted to make it so that it was real. Because a real argument isn't just two words and then the couple makes up in a second. A real argument usually lasts forever and it's really hard for the couple to resolve their issues no matter how strong their relationship is. And in this case both Daisy and Timmy are in the wrong and they don't know who to put the blame on and who's guilty or innocent.
Anyways, hope this didn't bore you. Next chapter is going to be a lot more lighthearted. I hope. ;)