She grips the edge of the couch.
"Yes," I say, "I know."
She shakes her head and hugs me.
Lestarr joins in, wrapping her arms around my back.
"I'm so sorry."
"Mom honestly I just want to clear everything, okay?" I say, maybe too boldly.
"I can't believe he told you." Her nostrils flare in anger and I feel defensive. Lestarr looks at me with almost-relief.
"I can't believe you didn't." I shoot back and that seems to make her back down.
She nods for me to continue and I do.
"Okay. Can I-Do I actually see dad?"
She clears her throat and smiles, "Yes."
"And do you see dad?" I ask and her smile fades a bit
"Yes, but not nearly as much as you. So does Lestarr. More than me, less than you." She points to Lestarr then to me.
I smile for a minute and realize that I still have more questions-and a apologies.
"Mom, Lestarr..." I say, "Are you okay?"
Mom nods and pulls us all into a hug again.
"I'm so sorry you had to see that. In so so so sorry." I say, trying hard not to cry.
"I know you are, baby. It's okay. I'm okay."
She lets me go and for the rest of the afternoon we lay together and watch movies.
And then all of a sudden
It hits me.
I'm never going to have kids.
I'm never going to college or university.
I'm never moving on.
I'm never changing.
Nothing is ever going to change for me.
I have to be okay with that, I'll learn to be okay with that.
As long as I have my family...
(Including Pazdyn)
There's nothing else I need.