The next day, Luke did not come to school. I had been restless the whole day, thinking about why he was not here today. I so badly wanted to just run out of the school and down the road to his house so that I can see him. I wanted to confess my feelings for him. I wanted to tell him just how much I love him.
After school was over, my conversation yesterday with Reece went through my head on loop as Aaron picked me up from school. Harper was not well, hence she was not here to pick me up; she didn't even come with Aaron to drop me at school this morning.
"Aaron?" I called my brother's attention.
"Yeah?" he glanced at me before turning to concentrate on the road again.
"Can you drop me off at Luke's house?" I asked, gently biting onto my bottom lip, "He didn't come to school today, I want to check up on him. He hasn't answered any of my messages."
"Sure," my brother shrugged, "You want me to pick you up from there later?"
"No," I shook my head at him, "Luke will drop me, and if he's not well and cannot drop me off home, I can walk. Our houses are not that far from each other's."
"Cool," my brother nodded, driving to Luke's house.
When he dropped me at Luke's house, he asked me if I was sure that I didn't need him to pick me up. After reassuring him like a million times, telling him that I would be fine, I walked across the driveway to the front door of the house.
Katie opened the door, a few moments after I had knocked on it and I beamed, "Katie!" I jumped into her arms giving her a tight hug, "You are back!"
"Of course, I am," she grinned, hugging me back, "We came home yesterday. By the way, grandma is here, don't let her see you," she told the last sentence silently.
"Okay," I whispered, pulling away from her, "Is Luke home? He didn't come to school today."
"He was not feeling well in the morning," Katie smiled, opening the door wider and letting me in, "He didn't want to go to school and I didn't have the strength to argue with him. So, I told him to stay home if that is what he wanted."
"Oh," I mumbled, biting onto my bottom lip as I looked up the stairs, at his room, "May I go see him?"
"Of course, darling," she gave me a nudge, pushing me towards the staircase, "Go see him. Are you staying for dinner?"
"No, mom," I told her, "My parents are home now and I have moved back to our old house. They would expect me home for dinner."
"Really? That is so great," she beamed, "We have a lot of catching up to do, then."
"Indeed, we do," I nodded, agreeing with her statement, "I will come back later for that."
"Alright," she said, patting my shoulder as she walked back to the living room, where I guess her mother was at.
I climbed up the stairs, two steps at a time, to reach Luke's room. When I was just outside his room, I hesitated a little, before bringing my hand up and knocking at his door. I heard some ruffling, probably him pulling the bed covers off him, before the door flew open.
I fidgeted with my hands as I looked up at Luke, our eyes locking together, "Hi," my voice was not above a whisper.
Luke looked a little surprised to see me here, but then he shook his head at me and cleared his throat, suddenly looking as if he wanted to be anywhere but here, "Um, hi."
"Hi," I repeated again, not knowing what else I should tell him. It was nerve-wracking, to be standing here, standing outside his room, in front of him.
"What do you want, Caroline?" he asked bluntly, sighing, his tone bored, "Why are you here?"
I blanched slightly at his point blank question. I wasn't prepared for anything. All I thought was, I would apologize and then I would tell him that I indeed had feelings for him and we would then kiss and walk off into the sunset, holding hands. I did not think that he would be so to the point with his questions and I also didn't think that he would ask that question.
"I, uh," I pulled at my shirt, my fingers shaking with nerves, "I, um, I wanted to talk to you."
Luke studied me for a few moments, before he opened the door wider with a sigh escaping his mouth. He nodded at me and jerked his head towards the inside of his room, "Come in."
A small smile lit up my face as I walked inside his room and removed my bag off my shoulder, placing it on the floor, beside his bed, "Your mom said that you are not feeling well," I stated, hoping that it would be a good conversation starter, "How are you now?"
"I lied," he stated simply, sitting cross-legged on his bed as he motioned for me to sit down as well.
"Oh," I nodded, my mouth suddenly going dry as I moved closer to the bed and sat on it, across from him, but still a good distance away from him.
I didn't know what I should speak now. I didn't know where I should start. I had an inkling of doubt that he would shoot down and answer bluntly for every conversation starter that I tried.
"You wanted to talk to me?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me, pushing me to just open my mouth and get it over with.
I lifted my head up to meet his eyes, my heart thumping against my chest as I inhaled a deep breath and blurted out, "I'm sorry."
Luke frowned for a moment, before his face went black and he raised an eyebrow at me, "You are sorry?"
"Yeah," I nodded my head at him, "I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I avoided you. I'm sorry that I didn't know about your feelings. I'm sorry that I was blinded by my principles and didn't realize earlier that you are in love with me."
Luke looked at me silently for a few minutes, before he slowly let out a nod, "I'm sorry too," he told, "I'm sorry that I'm not as important in your life."
My eyes immediately widened and I looked at him like he was crazy, "Luke, you are important to me. You are more important to me than anyone else in my life."
"No, I'm not," he chuckled dryly, his voice devoid of any humor, "It hurts you know, when you realize you aren't as important to someone as you thought you were, but that's fine. I'll live."
"Where is this coming from?" I frowned, "You are more important to me than you think you are."
"You sure about that?" he raised an eyebrow at me.
"I'm sure," I told him immediately, without any hesitations, "Why didn't you tell me earlier though? Why weren't you open to me about your feelings?"
Luke immediately burst out laughing, like his chuckle, his laugh was also devoid of any humor, "You are kidding, right?" he shook his head at me, "I was as open as any person could be with my feelings. You were the only one who didn't see it, Caroline. All our friends realized it, only you didn't."
I frowned, "I don't understand. How were you open with me?"
"Seriously?" he asked, his tone going from bitter to frustration, "You have not figured that out, yet? I have always wanted to be with you; be it sun or rain, I have spent it by your side. I am the one who usually initializes any hang out plan between us. Why do you think that is? Because I want to spend my time with you. I flirted with you. So openly, that even the guys, who are known to be slow in all these relationship things, caught on, but you didn't – in our case, you were the slow one in the relationship, or the lack thereof. I was so protective of you. I notice all those little things like how you have parted your hair to the left today, instead of parting it to your right like you always do," he told the last part slowly, looking me into the eyes as he did, "How more open do you want me to be?"
I swallowed, utterly speechless, "Luke."
"Tell me, Care," he said, his eyes holding me hostage, "Tell me, how more open you want me to be?"
"Luke," I whispered, shaking my head at him, "I didn't realize. I didn't realize that it was all..." I trailed off, pushing my hands up to cover my face, "Oh, my God!"
"You were so into your own world, Caroline," he said, his voice softening a little on seeing that I was really struggling with all these, "You didn't see what was right there in front of your eyes."
A memory hit me like a brick to my face and I closed my eyes and exhaled. Liana's words from the airport came back to me and I let out an internal sigh, now understanding what she meant when she said what she said.
"Caroline?"
I quickly turned around and raised an eyebrow at Liana, "Yeah?"
"Sometimes the answer to all your questions is right there in front of you," she told me with a mysterious smile, "All you have to do is open your eyes and stop denying."
"I agree, I had been a little bit blind, but, Luke, you are also at fault here," I told him, opening my eyes and swallowing the lump that rested on my throat, "You could flirt with me for years, but unless you come right out and say date me, I am never going to realize you want me."
He smiled a little and shook his head at me, "Look at it from my side of things, Caroline. I have always put my heart out on line for you and I have always got hurt because of that. You think it was very easy for me to see you with Axel every day? It was killing me, but I forced myself to bear with it because you were happy with him and your happiness meant a lot to me. You think I would come up to you and say date me, after all that? It would have not only spoiled my friendship with you, it would have shattered my self-esteem and my confidence completely when you turn me down. Even now, I only told you my feelings, because I was a little bit sure that you felt the same way too. If I had not been sure about it, I wouldn't have told you. At all."
Tears blurred my vision and I frantically shook my head, trying to deny everything that had happened in the past few days, or more like the last few months. I don't want to endure this frustration. I want to get this over with and get all my feelings in the open.
"Luke, I-"
"Wait," he shook his head at me, cutting me off, "Don't tell me anything that you don't mean. Those words that you were just about to say, they could probably mean nothing to you, but they mean the world to me. So, don't say those words to me when you don't really mean them."
I looked him in the eyes and shook my head, "I do mean them, Luke."
"Maybe," he shrugged, giving me a small smile, "But it is too late now, Caroline. I got tired and I quit."
"No one gets tired of loving another person," I countered, my heart thudding against my chest when I realized what he was trying to tell me.
"Sure," he nodded, "No one gets tired of loving a person, but everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies and hurting. I already got tired."
"Luke," I choked, "Don't do this."
"I'm sorry, Care," he smiled sadly, "This has to be done, for both our good. We shouldn't be bringing each other down the way we are doing it now. I shouldn't be confusing you like this and you shouldn't be giving me mixed signals. We both deserve better than that," he sighed, looking at his lap, "You hurt me very badly and I need time to heal. Give me some time, and then we can go back to being the best friends who know everything about each other; well, we can at least pretend so."
I quickly wiped the tear drop that rolled out of my eyes onto my cheek before Luke could look up at me, "What if...?" I trailed off, taking in a deep breath, gathering my courage, "What if I wanted to be more than just best friends?"
Luke's head immediately snapped up to me and our eyes locked, this time something was burning in his eyes with a screaming intensity. But just like a switch being flipped off, he blinked and all the emotions were wiped off from his eyes, "I don't know about that."
I bit my bottom lip and nodded, "I see."
I couldn't stay there anymore because I was sure that I was going to burst out crying if I sat there in front of him for even one more minute. So, I excused myself, coming up with some reason, telling him that I have to go, before I picked up my bag and ran out of his room and down the stairs, quickly exiting his house.
When I was at the end of the street, walking down the familiar side pavement towards my house, I don't know how it happened, but I finally broke down crying in the middle of the road. People passing by were all watching me and giving me sympathetic glances, on any other day, I would have been embarrassed, but at that moment, I didn't care.
I felt like I had left my entire life slip through my finger tips and in a way I had. He was done with me.