Monday, I got to school five minutes earlier than usual, because today I was on a mission. I saw Josh's car in the lot, and I knew he was here, the question was, where was he?
After five minutes of searching dilligently, I found him in the cafeteria. He was eating one of our schools famous chocolate chip muffins, the only decent food product sold in this building.
"We need to talk" I said, plopping down next to him.
He jumped slightly at my sudden appearance, and I raised my eyebrows at him. He quickly hid his surprise and stared at me, straight faced.
"About?" He asked nonchalantly.
"You know what about" I rolled my eyes.
Chloe had come to my house Friday night hysterical crying because Josh decided that they needed to take a break. My duty as best friend, and as someone who was partially responsible, was to find out what he was thinking about all of it.
"Serena" He sighed, "You don't have to worry about me and Chloe's relationship"
"It's partially my fault" I said, guilt seeping into my voice.
"C'mon Serena, no it's not" He said lightly, "She told me she basically dragged you into the building"
Damn her. Why must she always be so honest?
"That's so Chloe" I laughed sadly.
"I know" He said, sad smile appearing on his face.
There was a comfortable silence for a moment while the atmosphere switched from relaxed to intense.
"Just tell me, do you think it's over for good?" I asked, softly.
"I don't know, Serena" He answered, seriously.
"Do you still love her?" I asked, worried.
"Of course" He replied.
"Isn't that all that matters?" I pleaded, wide eyed.
"C'mon Serena, you know the answer to that" Josh said quietly, "No, it isn't"
"Why can't it be?" I stomped my foot, irritably.
He chuckled lightly at my stubborn, childish antics, before his face fell naturally back into a slight frown.
"I can't trust her" He admitted, "And you know as well as I do that trust is everything"
We both knew that that was a reference to my love life as well as his. I took a second before collecting my thoughts and focusing back on Josh and Chloe.
"Please, just think about the good stuff, okay?" I begged, "I'd hate you guys to call it quits over something that was my fault"
"Serena" He sighed.
"Just- just don't make any rash decisions, okay?" I asked, getting up and walking away before he could say another word.
I didn't see Chloe until lunch time. I met her at the usual spot, which was weird because it had originally started as Grayson's spot and now neither boy was there.
"How you holding up?" I asked her, handing her a chocolate chip cookie.
"Great" She deadpanned, rubbing her makeupless eyes. She looked pale, and the bags under her eyes indicated that she didn't sleep much this weekend either.
"I'm so sorry" I said, genuinely.
"It was completely my decision, S, so you need to stop apologizing" She said, calmly, "Did you talk to him?"
"Yes" I admitted.
"And?" She prompted.
I didn't know what to say. Honestly, he didn't seem like he was ready to get back together with her, but I didn't want to upset her.
"You don't have to say anything" She burst into tears, "I get it"
"He still loves you!" I tried to soothe her.
"I know he does" She said, looking straight into my eyes with her tear filled ones, "But that's not always enough, is it?"
I almost laughed at how in sync the two were, even while they're broken up.
"No" I said, voice breaking, "It's not"
I rubbed her back soothingly while she cried on my shoulder for the rest of the lunch period. After lunch, I convinced her that it was probably best if she faked sick and headed home early, so she did. I promised to call her later, when I'm done with school.
When I got to AP Chem that afternoon, both Grayson and Brayden were already in their seats. Grayson ignored me still, but it felt different this time, probably because of what I heard on Friday.
"Okay, it's time for new seats!" The teacher clapped his hands together lightly, "Write down who you want as your lab partner on a piece of paper, and I'll do my best to put you with that person"
I tapped my pen against my paper thoughtfully, but my mind had been made up already. I think that eavesdropping on Friday's conversation made me feel more warmly towards Grayson again, because my decision was made fairly easily.
I wrote down Grayson.
Brayden wrote down me.
And I have no clue who Grayson wrote down.
All I know was that by the end of the period when we were put in our new seats, Grayson was my lab partner, and Brayden was seated at the table directly next to me.
The tension was unreal. I was desperate to break it, any possible way I could.
"So" I said, turning to Grayson, "I guess we're lab partners, then"
"Leave me the hell alone" He said coldly.
His words hit me like a slap to the face, and I gaped at him while he glared at me with those cold brown eyes.
I had forgotten that just because I felt differently, doesn't mean things had actually changed. I left that afternoon with a deeply unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I did everything that night to ensure that I'd be able to fall into an easy sleep. I comforted Chloe for an hour on the phone about Josh, I worked out so that I'd have no energy left, and took a warm shower to soothe me before climbing into my bed, thoroughly exhausted.
I wish I could say that it had made a difference, but it didn't.
"Serena, help me!" The girl's voice screamed from within the glossy black coffin, "Please, help me, please Serena!"
"I'm trying!" I shouted, as the rain poured down on my head, blurring my vision and making my hair stick to my neck. I pulled at the coffin with all of the strength I could muster.
"C'mon Serena, you're not working hard enough" The voice answered dissaprovingly. I could feel the dissapointment, and I tried to pull even harder at the lid.
I pulled and pulled until it finally popped open. The girl's beautiful face remained there for just long enough to say one thing to me.
"Of course you couldn't save me, Serena" She laughed, a harsh expression on her flawless face, "You're pathetic, and no one wants to stay around you. I had to die just to escape you"
She laughed again, a high cold sound, before her face melted off, and all that was left was a pile of bones.
I jolted awake, realizing that it was 1:27 am. I got out of bed, went to my bathroom, and splashed water on my face. I was trembling from head to toe.
She had never said anything like that before in any of my other dreams. She never spoke besides begging me for help. The new development of my nightmares sent shivers down my spine. I thought time was supposed to heal, but I'm still getting worse.
My house was silent and empty. My mom wasn't home, and the darkness and the quiet seemed to suffocate me. I couldn't stop shaking. Without thinking about it too hard, I threw on a pair of black leggings and a college sweatshirt and decided to take a walk to clear my head, and hopefully calm down.
I knew it wasn't a good idea, but walking has always been something that relaxed me. I was already a few blocks away when I realized just how creepy it is to be walking around at 1:30 in the morning on a week night. Everything was silent, but every time a car passed by I'd jump ten feet in the air. I gripped my phone tightly in my palm, just in case.
A car sped past me, and then made a three point turn at the end of the block, and started coming back towards me. My heart started racing so quickly, I thought it'd burst out of my chest. I dialed 911 into my phone, and held my finger over the call button.
The car slowed down next to me, and I was fully prepared to actually call the police, until I realized that I knew who it was.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Grayson asked, angrily.
"None of your buisness" I crossed my arms, stubbornly.
"Are you insane?" He snapped, "Get in"
"No" I argued.
"You're gonna get killed out here!" He yelled, "God! This was so stupid and so dangerous, I don't know what you were thinking"
"Why do you even care?" I asked, coldly.
He frowned at me, and I glared back in silence. Finally, he broke eye contact and sighed, running his fingers through his hair in distress.
"Please, please just let me take you home" He said tiredly, breaking the silence.
"If I get in the car, you have to tell me why it even matters to you that I get home safely" I decided, "Deal?"
"Deal" He said, recluctantly.
I climbed into the warmth of the car, and sighed a breath of relief. Grayson looked over me with concerned eyes.
"You're shaking, holy shit" He widened his eyes, grabbing a giant sweatshirt from the back, "Take this"
"No thanks" I said coldly, crossing my arms for warmth.
"C'mon Princess, this isn't a time to be stubborn" He sighed, exasperated.
I took the sweatshirt and put it over my own. I felt immediately warmer, and it smelled just like Grayson, which made a pang go through my heart, because even though he was right here, he doesn't seem to care about me at all anymore.
We drove to my house in silence. It only took about three minutes, since it's a lot faster to travel by car. Grayson's car clock said that it was 2:04 am.
"Why were you out tonight?" I asked, breaking the silence.
"You know I don't sleep well" He said, awkwardly, "I wanted to clear my head a little bit"
He stopped next to the curb right outside of my house, but I made no motion to get out of his car. He put it into park, and turned to face me.
"Let me walk you to your door" He said, anxiously.
"I guess I can't stop you" I sighed, pushing open the car door, and exiting it quickly.
We walked up to my front door, awkwardly together but not together, and he watched me unlock it with my pink key.
"Tell me why you didn't want me walking alone tonight" I cut to the chase, deciding not to waste time with any bull shit.
"I didn't want you to get hurt" He said, gently.
"And why not?" I challenged.
"I mean- I couldn't just- I wouldn't want anyone getting hurt" He choked out awkwardly.
"C'mon Grayson, just tell me why it matters to you" I said, seriously, "Just- Please"
There was a pause where the air stilled, and neither of us said a word, and it almost felt like time stopped. The air was calm and the stars were as bright as they ever are, and I wished for a moment that things were good between me and Grayson again.
But, they weren't. The wind rustled the leaves, and just like that, the moment was over. I cleared my throat, signalling that Grayson should answer my question now.
"Because I care about you" He admitted finally, "Okay? Is that enough?"
"No, it's not" I said slowly, "But it's a start, I guess. Good night Grayson"
I walked into my house and shut my door behind me firmly without letting it slam. It felt good being the one who got the last word, finally.
I knew there was going to be a lot to talk about with him and that we weren't really okay yet, but for that moment I just wanted to get back into my bed. I ripped off Grayson's sweatshirt, and went back to sleep, managing to sleep through the rest of the night.
Author's note- I'm sorry about this being so late! I'm so so grateful to everyone who reads my story, it's honestly a dream come true that this has 7,596 reads, 725 votes & 235 comments. You have no idea what it means to me. School's going to calm down a lot in about a month, so stick with it and updates will be more frequent, I promise. Thanks for reading, I love you.