Toni
I had no clue where I was going, or what I was gonna do once I got there, but I had to leave. To say I was sick of feeling like this was a total understatement. I couldn't even be worried about what Janet was thinking or feeling at the moment, which I knew was not good, but it had to be done. She would thank me later.
It wasn't late, only about 8 pm or so, but I felt as if I'd been up for 24 hours straight. One full day had passed and so many things happened in such a short span of time. I felt I was living in a twilight zone. My body didn't feel like mine.
An hour of idle, dead silent driving on a moderately empty road led me to Tamar's house. I'm wasn't sure of how I was making conscious efforts to get here; my mind was so foggy; but the gates opened for me and my car and I couldn't find it within me to turn around. I didn't really want to go inside, either.
I called her to see if she would come outside. I heard the TV going in the background, and she chewed obnoxiously into the receiver.
"Tamar, come outside. I want to talk to you." I looked out my window to see if I saw any lights on in her house. Just the kitchen. Then I saw a figure move past slowly. It was my mother. It twisted my stomach into knots.
"Why you won't come in the house? And why you ain't call me first?"
I sighed. "Because I don't want to. Look, just come sit in the car." I rubbed my forehead.
"Let me put some shoes on."
"Where are you going?" I heard Evelyn ask.
"Outside. Imma be back. Okay, Toni Braxton, I'm coming."
"Toni?—"
The line went dead. I leaned my car seat back and turned down the air. I saw Tamar emerge from the front door in pajamas soon after and she jogged to the car. I unlocked the door.
"Hold up. Aren't you supposed to be in—"
"Face showed up at Janet's house today."
"Oop." She immediately got quiet.
"Why would you do that?"
"I swear, Toni, it just kind of slipped out—"
"Don't bullshit me. What were y'all talking about that we just came up in your conversation like that?"
"He called me about you. He wanted to see how you was doing since..."
"And you didn't think to tell me? Knowing what happened?" I turned and looked at her. She just played with her fingers.
"I really thought that was the last thing you wanted to hear about. Honest to God."
"You hear about what happened between me and her?"
She shook her head. "Wow. I thought for sure she would talk about me so bad. Well, anyway, I consider her dead. Simple as that." I was so desensitized at this point. I could talk about it so easily.
"Hold on, what?" Her head snapped in my direction.
"She refuses to respect us, Tamar. And I wasn't playing with her. So she and I, we—"
"How can you just disown her like that? After all she's done for us? And the sacrifices she's made?"
"Are you serious? Do you not remember what happened four nights ago?" I leaned forward in my seat. By the time this news got around to everyone, I was convinced I would have no family left.
"I remember. And it was sad, and she was out of line, but—"
"And she still is. That day that I missed her call, she was looking to see if I'd 'come to my senses' about Jan. To see if I'd left her just because she thought she really could have talked me out of it."
Tamar was silent. I knew she was torn. To me, the choice had never been more simple. I wasn't going to continue to allow anyone to disrespect me and my relationship the way Evelyn did.
"And I know it's going to be hard for you, and for everyone, but shit. That's just where we are now. She's not going to bully me this time. Janet and I are nonnegotiable."
"Look, Toni, I know how much you love her, but how can you sit here and tell me you have no respect for our mother anymore?"
"Because She has none for me. Simple as that. And listen, Tamar. I know how you are, you always want to play captain save-the-family. You tried the same thing with her and Dad. But for all of our sake, and mine especially, do not go trying to get her to come around. She made it very clear how she feels about it."
"But what if she does come around, Toni? You don't know that she won't. She's like you, all tough on the outside, but she can't just... you're her daughter."
"Then we will cross that bridge if we get to it," I sighed. "But the harsh reality is, Tamar, as messed up as it sounds... she's got four more daughters, and a son, to take care of her. She really doesn't need me," I said grimly. "Whatever fulfillment I have given her in the past, she will find in one of you all."
I was staring straight ahead into the house. I saw Evelyn peek her head out the window, watching the car. I scoffed to myself. Everything she did seemed so pathetic to me now. I turned my attention toward Tamar, who was wiping her face of her tears. I groaned. "Tay, why are you crying?" I reached out for her arm.
"Toni, this is really hard for me. Y'all—we are supposed to be a family, and piece by piece, we—"
"It's gonna be alright, Tay."
"No, because, I love you, and I love what you have with Janet. You know I support y'all two hundred percent. And I'm so torn, because it's Mommy—"
"I'm not tryna make you choose, Tamar. I don't want you to. You can still come hang out with me, and I'll still come to functions, but I'm not speaking to her. And I'm not gonna change my mind until she changes hers. And apologizes with her last breath. Because I think that's more than what I deserve at this point, for all of the pain she's caused." I ran my hand through my long hair and cleared my throat. Suddenly, this car felt too small. I needed some air and space. "But, anyway, I shouldn't keep you from your evening. I'm gonna go... somewhere." I looked out the window and around at the night. So quiet.
"What do you mean, somewhere? Go home."
"No, no, I need to get away. I'll be around, just... call me if you need anything." I pulled my seat belt back around me. I had a full tank of gas and nowhere to be. The possibilities were endless, but I knew I shouldn't go too far away. I felt trapped.
"Don't be out here all hours of the night by yourself, Toni. For real."
"I'm gonna be fine. Go on inside."
"Alright. Bye, Toni Braxton."
"See ya, Tay."
She got out of the car and rushed back in the house. I waited until she was all the way inside, then left her property to go anywhere else.
Janet
I fixed myself up and cried. I couldn't believe she just left me here like that. I felt frustration more than anything—I couldn't reach her. No matter how much progress I made, there was always going to be a piece of Toni that I felt like I didn't know and couldn't see. And I had no idea how I was going to get to it, or if she would even let me. Emotionally, I was just tired. Tired of looking for that piece, begging for that piece, and being denied over and over again. I loved her more than words could say, but at this point, I wasn't quite sure she understood just how much. Surely, if she did, she wouldn't have left me in this bed, naked, so confused, after all of my patience with her the last few weeks.
So, frustrated was the right word. She drove me absolutely mad.
I went downstairs and reheated the pizza she'd ordered for us just a few hours ago. It was still sitting in the foyer where I'd left it after being greeted with an unexpected and uninvited guest. I couldn't believe the amount of nerve Kenny had to come to me and beg for her forgiveness that way. I'd never seen anything like it. I supposed there was something to be said for the way he set his pride aside, but it was so out of line, regardless. I thought that Toni handled it extremely well. I just knew his mere presence would be her tipping point after what happened with her mother earlier. But she held it together.
She held it together too well. And an explosion in the front door would have put me at more ease than the calm that was over her just before she went away. I wasn't used to it. She had to be angry. Where was she keeping the hostility? When, and how, would it be released? And if she wasn't here with me, how in the hell was I supposed to make it better the way I'd grown accustomed to doing? If not me, who?
I thought about calling her. I thought about getting in my car, driving all over metro Los Angeles until I found her. But she left for a reason. I needed to let her find her way back when she was ready to. I could only hope it was sooner rather than later. She made me so nervous sometimes; tonight especially. I had to step back and remember that the only person that knew her better than me was her.
I sat in silence, feeling so many things that I had no clue how to manifest as actions or words. I kept watching the clock, glancing out the front door, feeling just a little crazy. When was the last time we'd spent even one night apart? There was no way I could do it. She had to come home. And I had every intention on waiting up for her. It was now 11 p.m., and I settled on the couch with a glass of moscato and the tv turned on to nothing in particular. So many times I could have sworn I'd heard the buzzing of my security system when someone was granted access through the gate, but it was all in my head. At around midnight, when I was two and a half glasses in, on the third rerun of Golden Girls, I received a text. I almost threw it across the room trying to grab and see who it was from. Sure enough, it was Toni, and my heart began to race as I opened it. The message immediately made it fall to my stomach at the words I read: "I'm okay. Don't wait up."
This time, I threw the phone purposefully in anger. Where the hell was she? And why couldn't she bring herself home tonight?
I grabbed it after my tantrum and immediately dialed her number. She answered on the first ring. "Jan, please—"
"You think you were gonna send a text like that and not expect me to call you? Seriously?" I started to pace. "It's midnight, Toni. Where are you?"
"I'm somewhere where I can think, and meditate and... I just—I'm sorry. I really hated to leave you like that, but you don't understand. I really need this time." Her voice was so tranquil. I wondered if she was taking drugs. I wondered who she was with.
"Why can't you tell me? Why can't I understand? What is going on with you that is so inconceivable to me, a woman, who knows absolutely everything about you?"
"Please don't raise your voice. I don't wanna do this over the phone, okay?"
"Then come home!" I exclaimed.
"Jan..."
"No. Don't. Right now you've got two options. Either you tell me right now what is going on, in the next ten seconds, or you're walking through this door within the next hour. Take your pick."
I leaned over the counter where I'd set the phone, on speaker. She didn't talk for a while, and wherever she was at was dead silent.
"And... what if I can't do either?" She finally said in a shameful, hushed tone. I started to shake. I had never been so aggravated. And especially not towards Toni. This frustration felt like Rene. Or Wissam. And it was running deep and hot through my veins right now.
"Then... don't bother."
"What?"
"If you don't trust me enough to tell me what this is, where you are, then—"
"No. Janet—God! Just leave it alone, okay? I'm not doing this to hurt you, and it's not like I left without saying anything.... I gave you everything you needed to have peace of mind while I'm away."
"Does it sound like I have peace of mind to you, Toni? Is this how someone acts when they are at ease?"
"I'm not coming home tonight, Jan. This is way too much. I'm supposed to be—"
"Here." I interrupted. "You are supposed to be here. With me."
"I have to go, Janet."
"One hour," I said again, less convinced now that she would come home. I knew she wasn't going to.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"No, you won't." Two could play at this. If she wanted to run from her problems, then so would I. If she came back tomorrow morning, then I was going to leave. So she could feel what I'm feeling.
"I love you," She sighed.
"Not enough to come back." I wanted to cry.
"Janet, if I were there, I would be so distant, and inattentive—"
"But at least I would know where you are! Just tell me where the hell you went!"
"It doesn't matter. I told you, I'm okay."