January 2019, Ditemani Alunan Flume (Trauma) oleh Pirate Coeur De Pirate
"So what you have been doing this whole month?"Hala duduk di atas mangkuk tandas yang ditutup dan menyandar ke dinding berhadapan denganku. Dia keluarkan sebatang rokok dan menyalakannya, sebelum menyedutnya habis sehingga ke hujung rusuk lalu mengurut dadanya sebelum menyerahkan kepadaku.
"I have been trying to die." Aku menjawab sambil menyedut rokok. Tekakku terasa perit dan aku melepaskan batuk beberapa kali sebelum menyambung lagi. Dia bermain dengan pemetik api kerana sukakan bunyinya, dan kemudian dia menekan suis lampu di balkoni luar. Lampu tandas sudah lama rosak, tapi kami malas untuk membaikinya. Jadi kami anggap cahaya yang datang dari balkoni itu umpama bulan.
Kecil, tapi cukup untuk kami berdua. "Well. How was it? You are still alive now, so I assumed you have been failing over and over again. What did you do?" Dia menguis dinding seakan-akan ada kotoran melekat padahal bersih sahaja----kecuali terdapat palitan abu rokok yang terbang sewaktu dia menghembus asap.
"First, I try not to eat for the whole two weeks. I heard a lot of people die when they starve, but clearly it was not enough. They take years to turn their flesh to bones and their stomach bloat so much first. I woke up everyday thinking that this might be it, but all that I had was heart complications, because I was pressing too much of it when I could not bear the pain. It left bruises behind my back.
I had to drink because my lips have turned so dry, it hurts when I wanted to open my mouth. I have been losing my voice before though, so I couldn't speak well and it was hurtful enough. Imagine how ugly I was during that time. Voiceless, hopeless and in pain. So yes, I failed miserably for the first time.
So second, I thought about a place where I can disappear without giving trouble to people. I couldn't bear doing it with people that I care around me and I don't wanna die in a horrible way, so I listed many places that came into my mind: maybe just jump off a buildingthat nobody knows the existence, so I can go away quietly. But I suddenly remember that you used to tell me, a lot of people who chose this way to die, started to feel regret so they will struggle so much with their feet and when they finally reach the ground, their feet will be the first to be crushed badly."
Aku mengerutkan dahi mengambil sedutan terakhir dan menyerahkan kembali kepadanya. "Well, did you try to jump off the building then?" Dia capai air mangga dalam botol yang kami beli sebentar tadi. Dia memutar penutup botol dan meneguk air,menyambut rokok dariku.
"No. Like I said, I don't want to die in a horrible way, not by myself. So, I chose the ocean instead. I wanted to pull off the tank from my body, and drown, so when the salty water suffocates my body, I will explode quietly underwater. I was all ready, all determined. But when the day came to me, all I saw was the beauty of a world that I have never known.
The eagles were celebrating my existence by following the boat, the fishes were swimming seemingly all around me, it was so quiet and peaceful. My skin, was as pale as the sand beneath the sea, but it was beautifully glistening. And the people who were with me, who didn't know what I was going through, was throwing me all kinds of joyful words when they laughed at how dark I was after being burned by the sun.
I have failed again in my attempt."
"Do you think the universe was the cause of your failure? Do you think they were fighting against your will?" Dia tenang menyedut rokok dan mengambil bukuku yang terletak di rak kecil bersebelahan sinki. Dia menyelak helaian pertama sambil tersenyum, kemudian mengoyakmuka surat pertama dan dia bentukkan menjadi kapal terbang kertas. Dia mengambil pen yang aku sering guna untuk menandatangan buku dan dia tulis sesuatu di atasnya. Kemudian, dia hayunkan keluar tingkap.
"I don't know, because all I see was darkness. I couldn't see it and all its lights. So yes, I tried again. This time, I pick cigarettes. From one stick, to three. From three, to five. From five, to eight in a row. My body was not used to it, so one day, it suffocated my lungs and because my stomach was empty, I got the most awful nicotine poisoning. I vomited a whole lot of water. So much so, I felt like something was trying to pull out my guts out of me.
I lay down hopelessly, not wanting anyone to save me. My nerves burned me inside, and my hands became cold. I looked at a ceiling, just hoping that this time it would work on me. Ironically, I prayed to God to take me away, while looking at the clock like those are the last click that I would hear before my last breath.
He didn't allow it again this time, because I woke up the next day like I had a whole new body. My veins were still popping out, my blood flowed mercilessly and the sun rays was up against my face, in between the curtains. It was the cruelest day in my life, because when I wanted the pain to stop, He gave me a whole new life to go through it again."
Aku mengambil buku di tangannya. Aku belek helaian demi helaian dan turut tersenyum. Aku hampir lupa semua cerita yang pernah aku tulis tapi di helaian terakhir tertulis perkataan aku terlampau gemar menggunakan perkataan'perlahan-lahan'.
Aku teringat kata-kata guruku: apabila aku sedar bahawa perkataan itu sudah menjadi kesukaanku, aku perlu membuangnya untuk melatih otak mencari perkataan lain yang sama maknanya,. Atau mungkin lebih tepatnanti aku menulis cerita dengan menggunakan struktur ayat yang lebih baik.
Aku koyak halaman tersebut dan membentuknya menjadi kapal layar kertas. Aku pusingkan sedikit pili,membiarkan air mengalir setitis demi setitis. Aku tutup lubang sinki untuk membiarkan kapal berlayar.
"I wish I can say something good, but I don't want to say anything before you finish telling me about your attempts. So tell me more."Dia matikan rokok ke dalam sinki dan menggosok rambutku.
"Why do you like this so much? Are you enjoying my pain now?" Aku menepis tangannya dan berpura-pura mencebik.
"No, I just want to embrace your story because I feel like everybody else likes you so much, they only see what they want to see on the surface. But I am not like that. I like you, but I want to know your darkest thoughts, so I won't do it to you. So tell me."
Dia memegang tanganku dan kembali menggosok rambutku. Kemudian dia datang dekat, dan mencium pipiku. Aku berpura mahu mencucuk matanya kali ini, sebelum aku turut mencium pipinya.
"Alright then. In my fourth attempt, it became accidental. My mind was not in the right place and my memories started to fade away. I couldn't remember anything else besides the cause of my suicidal thoughts. Like a broken tape, it replayed again and again so one night, while I was on my back home, I crashed my car. The night was strangely quiet; from a place that was always full with lorries and fast cars, the road became hauntingly empty. There was only a few slow passing cars and I, and it happened in a split second.
You knew I was crying every single day, so naturally my eyes became blurry that I didn't even know where I was. I knocked my head a bit, but that was it. I drove back slowly, in an utter gratefulness that I didn't crashed anyone or any signboards so I wouldn't have to pay more than the cost of my poor car.
Also, I didn't want to be an irresponsible dying person who takes away more than one lives in my attempt to take my own."Aku keluarkan sebatang lagi rokok. Aku ingin mengambil pemetik api dari poketnya, tapi dia terlebih dahulu mengambil rokok di jariku dan menyimpannya kembali ke dalam kotak.
"Poor you. Poor poor you. I assumed that was it? No more attempts, yes?" Dia menghulurkan botol air menyuruhku turut minum. Aku menyambut huluran dan terus meneguk, menghilangkan haus di kerongkong. Aku teguk lagi hingga hampir habis dan menyerahkan kembali kepadanya.
"Well technically, I am still trying. By eating less, smoking too much at a time, sleeping less, putting alarm clocks just to divide my time in managing my sorrow and my work. I still do, but I think the universe will never bless my intention. They would not work with me and it takes more than my age now to die. -----------
So now, I am just out here giving bare self to it. Until the time comes, I am going to live like there's no tomorrow. I am going to do my best to die by living in hope that it will kill me slowly, beautifully, softly." Aku memandang ke luar tingkap. Aku mahu menikmati kesunyian ini tanpa apa apa belenggu dan perlahan Hala datang semakin dekat. Dia mencapai puntung rokok, membuangnya ke dalam tandas dan berbisik kepadaku:
"What if I tell you, that you don't need to die soon? What If I tell you, that you have a chance to visit my place and replay your haunting memories?
It's called Ixelles----twenty years earlier than the earth. The night and the day move differently. It's a good kind of free world, where everyone can go back to their time in reverse but the only thing that they can't do is to undo the things that they wished they would have done differently.
You have a choice to escape your pain now or to kill your memory, one at a time. But one thing that you need to promise: promise to only remember your strength, because that is the only thing that you need to come back to earth.
Do you want to do it?" Dia memelukku dengan erat dan mencium rambutku sekali lagi. Dia membuang kotak rokok yang masih berbaki ke luar tingkap dan menutup lampu. Perlahan rambutnya bertukar warna hitam gelap dan kedua matanya bercahaya biru laut. Rambutku perlahan tumbuh perang mengurai, semakin lama semakin panjang melepasi bahu. Dia memegang tanganku, sambil turut melihat keluar tingkap dan menunggu jawapan. Detik jam berdenting perlahan, semakin perlahan dan lambat seolah olah ia sedang dikoyak masa. Aku menoleh ke arah dia dan memandang tepat pada anak matanya.
"With you, yes. But with one condition.
We travel in reverse not just to mine, but to yours too. Each character in your memory will be replaced by me, vice-versa for mine. We put it in capsules, and we get to replace it with something else that we want on earth.
If you say yes, it's a done deal."