12/03/14
"An ice truck slipped off the road and hit Spencer and then a tree. And he is pinned between the two."
"What does that mean?"
"The truck has severed most his lower half."
"What did you say?"
"He won't be saved. His body is pinned in such a way that it's alive when it shouldn't be. And the truck is holding him together. He says he doesn't feel much and he's talking almost like normal. Now we didn't pull the truck out because we wanted you to come down here and be with him as long as he's awake.... And it won't be very long. Now O'hara, do you understand what I've told you?"
"This is the last time I will talk to my husband?"
"Yes it is."
-
I wake up screaming and covered in sweat.
I quickly sit up, my heart pounding fast.
I can feel the raw puffiness of my eyes.
When I look around I can see that I'm in a hospital.
I squint around the room, but my vision is blurred.
I can just make out a dark figure slumped in a chair next to my bed.
"Shawn...?" My voice is raspy and scratchy.
The figure shakes its head no.
I push back my covers and stand on my feet.
It's Gus.
I grab my iv machine and walk over to him.
There is another chair next to him and I sit in it.
I try to think of something to say but my mind goes blank.
"What the hell were you thinking?" Gus asks and his tone is deep and hoarse.
I don't have a response, so I just sit and bite my lip.
"You completely totaled your house. You almost KILLED your baby." He says, his voice filled with anger.
"Now I don't know if you realize this but Shawn was my best friend. I can't remember life without him.... Don't think-not for ONE SECOND that you are the only one who cared about him!" He yells and I purse my lips.
A tortured silence fills the room and I can just feel the tears collecting behind my eyes. Threatening. Waiting.
"It's not fair!" I sob. The tears flowing out like a waterfall.
"SHAWN DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!" I scream and rip out my iv.
"No one deserves this." Gus says quietly.
I sit back down and put my head in my hands.
"He was going to come home early.... I told him no. To stay at work. That I was fine. I AM the reason he's dead! If I had just told him to come-" I choke back and sob some more.
A long silence hovers in the room.
"Why?" I ask.
When I get no answer I repeat it.
"Why?"
"Why what?" He asks looking at the ground.
"Why him?
Why me?
Why you?
Why us?
WHAT DID WE DO WRONG?!" I sob.
I look down and looking down my hospital gown I can see what I did.
Big, dark, black purple bruises are scattered all over my stomach.
The air is knocked out of me and I double over on the seat.
"What have I done?" I choke out.
"That baby is the last piece of Shawn. The last piece." He says, standing up and walking towards the door.
"You know my grandpa died." I say softly. He grabs his coat off of the hanger. "He had a heart problem and after 30 years of being sick and suffering-he got a heart transplant."
Gus pauses at the door and I gulp down tears.
"He said 'This is it. I can see the grandkids graduate'. But do you know what happened? His body rejected the heart. Rejected it." I pause shaking my head. "HE DIED. He died and he never saw any of his grandkids graduate from high school or anything else for that matter."
He always said that lying is the biggest sin in life.... When you kill a man you steal someone right to live.
My right to have a relationship with my grandfather."
"I'm sorry." Gus whispers.
"No." I say and stand up.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
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-Elise 😘