I thought this had to be a nightmare. I just couldn't wrap my mind around how this could happen. As I stared down at the casket, I was just so consumed with grief and guilt. The last conversation I had with Collin played through my mind a thousand times. He was talking about me. He wanted to talk about me. He wanted to go to lunch with me. This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for me. That was the conclusion. I did this. I lost my brother. He was gone and not coming back. What had I done? What. Had. I. Done?
My parents sat there during the service absolutely devastated. Everything had happened so fast. One minute Collin was smiling warmly at me, and the next he was gone. Forever. Kim and her family were also there during the service. I didn't care. What happened with Kim was so far gone from my mind now.
Sean was there also. He was so worried about me I could tell. He didn't want to leave my side and when he did it was only for a couple minutes before he would be back. He even grabbed my hand at times and held it tightly. I should ask why he does that or if he's embarrassed because he's holding my hand in front of all these people but oh well. I should probably ask him about kissing me too. Right now I just don't care. Does that make me a horrible person? I now have no feelings. I didn't have room inside of me to deal with anything else. All I could think of was Collin.
"Hey," Kim said as she approached my after the service was over. I didn't say anything back. I just looked at her. Maybe I was an asshole. "I'm sorry Jake. I know this must be hard for you." Sean felt me tense slightly because he ended up answering for me.
"Thanks Kim. It's just a lot right now." Her eyes flicked over to Sean and she nodded, then she looked at our entwined hands.
"Is this why?" She nodded towards our hands. I didn't say anything. I didn't care to speak to her. Hell I didn't have to explain anything to her. Least of all here, at my brothers funeral.
"Kim I don't think now's the time to-" Sean started, but Kim cut him off.
"I think Jake can tell me himself," she said, looking directly at me. I glared at her. Now really wasn't the time. I didn't want to talk about it. I closed the distance between us until I was standing right in front of her, shooting daggers at her with my eyes. She took a step back. "Jake I just-" she attempted weakly. Before she could continue talking I let go of Sean's hand and walked away. I wasn't putting up with this. I wasn't dealing with any of this. In fact, I just wanted to get out of here. I wanted to get away from everyone. From my parents looking at me and crying because all they see is Collin, and from Sean for caring too much about me. He never cared this much about me before.
I looked over at my parents standing there somberly, remembering their lost son and laying him to rest, while the one they still had was walking, more like stumbling away. I didn't want to be here anymore. I couldn't take this. Walking towards the car, I stumbled on the grassy slope and lost my footing, I hit the ground hard and cried out in pain. My parents and Sean came running over to me.
"Jake! Jake!" My mom screamed. I just laid there, my face contorting with pain. My Dad helped me up, while Sean grabbed my crutches. Stupid damn leg! I screamed to myself. I looked around at everyone staring at me.
"What!?" I shouted at them. They all looked away and pretended they didn't just notice me fall on my face. My Dad still had his arm firmly around mine. I shrugged out of his grip. "Get off me!" I didn't know why I was angry. I just was. My Dad stood back and regarded me with sad eyes. My Mom just sniffled and dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief. Sean reached for my hand. "Stop," I snapped, yanking my hand back. "Just everyone leave me alone!" I turned and used my crutches as quickly as I could and got to the car. I reached for the door handle and paused. I jerked my hand away from the handle. I stood there for I don't know how long, lost deep in thought, lost in my emotions.
My parents came down the hill as everyone started leaving for their cars. I was still just standing there. My leg was throbbing and so were my underarms from supporting my weight but I didn't stop. I just stood there. My mom didn't say anything to me, she just looked at me sympathetically and got in the car, while my dad attempted to help me get in. He opened the door for me, but I stepped back.
"Jake," he frowned, "It's time to go." I shook my head. "Jake. Get in the car." I shook my head again. My dad grabbed my hand. "Let's get in the car."
"No," I jerked my hand from his grip. "No, no, no, no. I...I ca- I can't, I can't." I was rambling on. I started shaking violently. I felt like I was going to throw up. "I can't! I can't! I can't" I was screaming now. My hands were shaking. My dad looked at me helplessly.
Suddenly Sean wrapped his arms around me from behind. "Just breathe," he whispered softly in my ear. My heart was pounding out of my chest. My breath was ragged. I was breathing so hard. "Shh. Just breathe,' he repeated.
I started to calm down a little bit. I allowed Sean to help me into the car and then he climbed in with me. My dad closed the door behind us once we were seated and then went around and got in the driver's seat. I shut my eyes tightly. I didn't wanna see the car moving. I didn't wanna be in the car. Images flashed through my mind of the accident. All the broken glass...I slumped in my seat.
Sean caught me and leaned me back up, so that my face was against his neck. He whispered soothing things to me to reassure me. I could smell his cologne. It smelled so good. I let my breathing slowly even out. "He's okay," I heard Sean say to my parents.
We pulled into the driveway and Sean helped me get out. I stared off into space as he guided me back to my bedroom. "Do you want anything to eat?" He asked. I shook my head. "You need to eat." I ignored that and laid down on the bed. Sean regarded me carefully for a second. "I'm so sorry Jake. I wish I could help more," he sighed before walking over to leave the room.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked him suddenly. He wheeled around in surprise.
"Doing what?" He replied. I just looked at him in answer. He sighed. "Jake you're going through a lot right now. I just want you to know that I'm here. That I care."
"Don't go," I said. He smiled a little bit. He came over and kneeled next to the bed. "I'm always here," he kissed my forehead, before climbing in bed with me. He held me while I silently cried, wiping my tears. He didn't say anything else, but he didn't have to. Having Sean here with me was the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart.
When I woke up it was late afternoon. Sean was no longer laying beside me. He probably had to get home to help his mom or something. I slowly sat up, shifted to the edge of the bed, and grabbed my crutches. I slowly pushed myself up. I groaned. The cut on my side was healing but it still hurt pretty bad. My leg was in a cast which was cumbersome to try to walk in. I basically hobbled along everywhere I went. It also meant I couldn't shower, something I just realized. How was I gonna get clean? I didn't want my mom or dad helping me into the bath tub. That's just embarassing. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like complete shit. My hair was disheveled, I had dark circles under my eyes from a lack of decent sleep, my eyes were also puffy from crying so much, and I still looked pretty pale.
I closed the bathroom door and began to fill up the tub. I could manage that so far, so good. I heard a knock. "Jake you're not getting in by yourself are you? Do you need me to come help you?" Mom asked through the door.
"I'm fine Mom!" I answered. "I can get in by myself."
"Jake I don't want you to slip and fall. Let me at least get your Dad." she reasoned. Ugh she's so stubborn.
"Mom I got it!" I snipped, getting annoyed. I could hear her sigh.
"Make sure you cover your cast with the plastic the doctor gave you." I looked at the plastic sleeve. Can't they invent waterproof casts already? This was so annoying. I can't even freaking get myself in the tub. Maybe it would be easier to just stand in the shower. Nah I didn't want to risk it. At least this way I could keep it mostly dry by propping my leg up.
"Jake, let me help you," came my Dad's voice. I rolled my eyes.
"Dad honestly can't I bathe myself?" I asked.
"I know how frustrating this must be Jake, but it's what we have to do," he reasoned. I sighed.
"Dad, is Sean here still?" I relented. There was a pause.
"Yeah he's just downstairs getting something to eat. Do you want me to get him?" He asked.
"Yeah, get Sean." I sighed. I guess this was just going to be awkward no matter how I did it. The tub was full and I turned the water off just as Sean knocked on the door.
"Jake?" He called.
"You can come in," I replied. He quickly opened the door and then closed it behind him.
"How can I help?" he asked softly. My face went red.
"Well, I...I'm sorry," I was blushing so hard. This was embarassing.
"There's nothing to be sorry for. Here, let's get you in before your water is cold," he said. I took my shirt off, and began taking my pants off, when my breath hitched. A sharp pain shot through my side from bending over too quickly and nearly reopening the big cut. Sean knelt down and helped pull my pants the rest of the way off.
"Thanks," I blushed. He looked up at me. He questioned me with his eyes as if to say 'ready?' and I nodded before he slipped my underwear off. I took one look at my body in the mirror and quickly buried my face in my hands. Sean gently removed my hands and looked at my face. He wiped the tears away.
"You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. Okay?" He said. I nodded. My body was blue and purple in various places, and the cut was pretty ugly to look at, not to mention the awkward and bulky cast around my one leg. Sean however, overlooked all of that and the awkwardness and wrapped his arm gently around my waist, scooped his other arm underneath my legs and picked me up. I never thought I would be that easy to pick up but he made it look simple. He carefully and slowly lowered me into the tub, making sure my leg didn't get wet too much, as I propped it up on the side.
"You good?" He asked. I nodded. He ended up sitting there the entire time I was in the bath and chatted with me. It was nice to have to company and it helped to keep my mind off of what was currently going on. He even helped me reach the soap so that I wouldn't have to strain too far. It was really sweet of him. I couldn't believe he was doing all this for me. Did he really just pity me? Or was it something more?
"You ready to get out?" He asked.
"Yeah. Sorry," I said.
"Stop apologizing for something you have no control over," he told me.
"I know. I just feel like a little kid who can't do anything on his own."
"Look Jake, I know how you're probably embarrassed, but really, you don't need to be. I've seen you naked before. It's no big deal," he said matter-of-factly. It was true he had seen me naked before. Once. That was only because he accidentally walked in on me taking a shower just as I was getting out. Haha I almost laughed out loud at the memory.
"You're smiling," he grinned. I quickly dropped it.
"I was just thinking about that time you walked in on me." Sean smirked.
"I remember that pretty well too," he said.
"Ha ha, now help me out will ya?" I asked playfully.
"Yes your majesty," he bowed. I smacked him on the head playfully. He just laughed. I pulled the plug, allowing the water to start draining and he reached both arms underneath me and lifted me up, letting me sit on the edge of the tub. He grabbed a towel and handed it to me. I shook my wet hair and him like a dog and he laughed, which made me smile.
"Thanks for helping me. I didn't want my parents to," I cringed at the thought. He smirked.
"Yeah I wouldn't want either of my parents seeing me naked either. It's not like they haven't seen me naked before," he said sarcastically. I smacked him in the arm.
"Shut up," I replied.
"Just sayin," he shrugged. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I went to walk and then remembered I needed my crutches or could try to brace myself against the wall, but Sean grabbed me by the waist and supported my weight, letting me lean on him as we made my way back to my bedroom. We passed Collin's room on the way, and thank god the door was closed. I couldn't stomach seeing that room. It was too much to handle.
I grabbed some sweatpants from my dresser and Sean helped guide my legs into them and he pulled them up until I could reach.
"You don't have to do that you know," I said.
"I don't want you ripping that scab open," he answered. I grabbed a shirt and gingerly streched my arms, wary of my back, and slipped it over my head while Sean watched.
"Yeah me either. Thanks for the help," I gave him a small smile.
"It's good to see that smile," he said. My eyes glazed over and I thought about Collin.
"I know it's hard, it's hard for me. I can only imagine what you're going through Jake," he said, taking my hand in his. "I don't expect you to move on quickly either. We all heal on our own time. But I don't want you to be ashamed of being happy. It's okay to smile and find things funny," He explained. I nodded my understanding.
As I stared into those big brown eyes of his, I was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling. It wasn't something I had felt before. All I knew was that I wanted Sean to be here with me, or me with him. I thought back to the kiss and I touched my lips. He noticed and raised an eyebrow.
"Sorry, I was just thinking," I said, bringing my hand back down to my side.
"What about?" He asked.
"It's nothing, I'll tell you later," I replied.
"Okay, well let's go get some food. I don't know about you but I'm starving. You interrupted my meal," he said teasingly. I simply waved a hand dismissively as I grabbed my crutches and we left my room together.