The glass littered the ground. I couldn't see anything but the cold, wet pavement in front of me. I realized that I was upside down, but I coudldn't turn my head. I tried to move my arms. Fortunately I was able to get one arm free. I moved it around, trying to slowly, carefully feel my surroundings. Good. I thought. I'm still strapped in my seat. I could vaguely hear the sound of sirens approaching. Then the realization hit me.
"Collin!" I screamed. "Collin are you okay!?" My voice was raspy and it hurt to talk, but I had to see if Collin was okay. I couldn't see him. If I could just move my head...I reached down for my seat belt and attempted to undo it. Desperately I grappled with the strap. I was suddently feeling very claustrophobic. The car was completely crunched. It didn't even look like a car anymore.
The sirens were everywhere now. I could see the flashing lights and voices were all over.
"Help," I cried. My voice sounded so broken. "Help me." The tears were streaming down my face. There was a flash of light and then it went black again.
****
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. All I could hear were the annoying sounds of the machine as I woke to a white room. I could make out the ceiling tiles. My throat was extremely dry and for a second I wondered if I'd ever be able to talk again. My Mom was sitting in the chair next to my bed. She was asleep. It looked like it was night but I couldn't tell. I couldn't turn my head too much. I ached all over.
"Mom," I croaked. She didn't stir. I suppose my voice was barely a whisper. I tried again, this time louder. "Mom!" She jumped at the sound of my voice and came over to me.
"Oh Jake! You're awake!!" She cried, gingerly wrapping her arms around me. "I was so incredibly worried I was gonna lose you!" She had fresh tears running down her face, which was alll red and blotchy from her previous crying. She sniffled.
"Where's Dad?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. She looked at my sadly.
"He's with Collin," she stated, her eyes avoiding mine.
"How is he? Is he alright?" I asked, even though I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the answer. She hesitated. "Mom?" The tears continued to stream down her face, despite her pathetic attempt to wipe them.
"He's fine Jake. He's gonna be just fine," she said, however unconvincingly. I felt the knot form in my throat. I could no longer speak. I could feel tears leaking out the side of my eyes and falling down towards my ears. I lifted my arm up to wipe them. I grimaced.
"Honey, just relax. Take it easy. I'll go tell your Dad you're awake." She left without another word, slipping out the large door. I tried to reign in my breathing. It felt so ragged. The door opened sooner than I expected, but it wasn't my Dad.
Sean stood in the doorway, the saddest expression I've ever seen on his face. I could tell he'd been crying, as he slowly made his way over to me. He sat in the chair where my Mom was previously sitting and scooted it over next to the bed.
"Oh my god Jake." He breathed. "I thought-I....I thought-," he stammered. I reached my hand out for him. He grabbed it and held it tightly.
"I thought you were gone...I...I can't even," he started sobbing quietly, putting his head down on my hand as he held it in his.
"It's okay," I whispered. He looked up at me, his face tear streaked.
"I was so scared," he whispered back. I sniffed. A fresh tear escaped my eye and ran down my cheek. Sean reached up and brushed it away, gently sliding his fingers over my face and then caressing my cheek. I closed my eyes.
"Is Collin-" I started, but my Dad suddenly burst in the room. He face was red but it wasn't wet with tears. He looked at Sean fondly and then at me.
"Hey kiddo," he said, trying to muster a small smile. I looked at him expectantly.
"Dad How's Collin?" I asked. His eyes flicked over to Sean briefly, a pained expression on his face. Sean squeezed my hand tightly. He wasn't letting go.
"He's....he's in critical condition Jake," Dad managed. "We don't know what't gonna happen. The lump in my throat returned in force.
"I want to see him," I said confidently. My Dad looked uncertain.
"Jake, I don't think-"
"I want to see him!" I said louder this time, my voice still strained. My Dad sighed.
"I'll go and get the doctor," he said as he rubbed his next. He still wore that pained expression. He then turned on his heel and left the room, leaving Sean and I alone again.
"I can't lose him, I can't..." I whispered hoarsely to Sean. He looked at me sadly. He got up out of the chair and leaned over me, gently enveloping me in his arms. He didn't say anything when he pulled back. He simply looked in my eyes and I stared back into his.
My Dad returned with the doctor in tow. He was wearing a white coat with his badge clipped to it, typical for a doctor. "Hey Jake how are you feeling?" He asked. It was strange having him know my name and yet I didn't know his.
"I've been better but I think I'm alright," I replied. "How's my brother? Can I see him?"
"Let't talk about you for just a second," he smiled calmy to reassure me. "You had a concussion. You also have a broken leg and some minor brusing. There was a pretty big cut on your side but it's nothing serious." I nodded. "Now about your brother. His condition unfortunately is more serious. He has internal bleeding and is unconcious. I won't go into details,' he said, glancing over at my Dad, "but I'd say that if you're feeling up to it, we can let you see him."
"I'm up for it," I said quickly, trying to sit up in bed.
"Here, I'll go get a wheelchair for you," the doctor said before disappearing out into the hallway. Neither my Dad nor Sean said anything. The doctor returned pushing a chair. "Jake I don't want you doing it yourself," he turned to my Dad. "I'll help him," he replied. Sean was still gripping onto my hand and he looked at me expectantly.
"It's okay," I said, giving him permission to let go. He did and backed out of the way so the doctor and Dad could lift me into the chair. My leg hurt like hell, and I could tell I had a cut that ran the length of my left side because it was stinging severely. I gritted my teeth as I settled into the chair. A groan escaped me and Sean looked at me with concern.
"Are you okay? Is this okay?" He said to me and then to the doctor. The kind man just nodded, before my Dad wheeled me out of the room.
"I guess this is a little strange huh? I mean most patients don't leave their bed the day the accident happens," I said, trying to make light of what was going on. Sean glanced at me and I could feel my Dad's eyes boring into me too.
"It's been three days Jake," the doctor told me without turning around, continuing on his path down the hallway.
"Oh," was all I could manage to say.
****
They wheeled me into his room, and Sean automatically grabbed my hand again. He was doing that a lot lately. I don't remember him ever holding my hand before. I was grateful though. I liked it.
"I'll give you guys a minute," the doctor said to my Dad, closing the door as he walked out. Dad wheeled me up to Collin's bed. He was pale. Ghostly pale. His blonde hair was all messed up. He was so meticulous about his hair. His eyes were closed and the machines were beeping and measuring all kinds of things. Dad and Sean went to leave but I wouldn't let go of Sean's hand.
"Do you want me to stay?" He asked quietly. I nodded. Sean said something to my Dad and then Dad left the room. All I could focus on was Collin. He was so still.
"Collin!" I said, barely being able to speak. I covered my mouth with my free hand and started to sob. Sean came around and knelt down in front of me. I grabbed onto him. Clung to him. He wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed into his shirt. I was at a loss for words. I didn't say anything else.
After what seemed like maybe an hour, Sean was still on his knees in front of my chair hugging me, and my parents came in. My mother burst into tears and came over to me too, while my dad put his hand gently on the top of my head, ruffling my hair slightly.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. The machine started beeping faster now. I looked up in a panic. Sean let go of me for second as he turned to look as well. All of a sudden multiple doctors burst into the room. They started shouting commands to each other left and right before all of us were pushed out of the room and into the hallway. I felt like crying but I couldn't. I looked around helplessly. My Dad was holding Mom as she sobbed relentlessly. I stared off into nothing in particular. Suddenly I was being pushed. Sean was pushing me down the hallway and back into my room. My mind was blank. I didn't know what to think. He came around the front to look at me.
"Hey. Look at me," he said as I avoided his eyes. My lap was suddenly very interesting. "Look at me." He demanded as he put his finger under my chin and made me look up. He kissed me. A soft, gentle kiss right on the lips. I gasped slightly. He took me into his arms and hugged me again. "Everything will be okay," he whispered in my ear. I started shaking uncontrollably. My whole body was shaking. I felt sick to my stomach. Sean was warm and comforting, but I was so hurt that I couldn't be comforted.
****
I only vaguely remember being allowed to leave the hospital. The car ride home was long I felt. Too long. When we finally got there my parents helped me up the stairs to my bedroom. My Dad helped me out of my clothes and gently tucked me into bed, making sure I was covered with the blankets. He sat on a chair by my bed as I drifted off to a painful sleep.
When I woke up in the morning, Sean was sitting in the chair my Dad had been sitting in last night, staring at me intently. I sat up gently, careful not to make the pain worse than it already was.
"How are you feeling?" Sean asked quietly, handing me a water bottle. I uncapped the lid and drank eagerly. I capped the bottle again and he took it back from me, setting it on my nightstand. He looked at me sadly. I stared back at him. I honestly didn't know how to answer that question. So I didn't. No words would come out. I couldn't form them. Sean nodded his head as if he understood. He unxpectedly climbed into the bed with me, wrapping me in his arms. I was honestly too tired and hurt to say anything about it. Although I was wondering why he was doing this. Did he just pity me? I sighed as I thought about it. I didn't care. Right now I was comfortable in his embrace, and for now that was all I needed.
Neither of us fell back asleep, we simply laid there and comforted each other. Well, more accurately, Sean comforted me I was a mess. I alternated between sobbing and having no expression at all. This wasn't real. None of it was real.