Alright! This is the final chapter! I just want to say, it has been an amazing journey with all of you guys reading and all of you guys voting and commenting. I'm so happy you decided to join me in this story till the end. Don't worry, this is the shorten version of what I want to say. At here will be an end credit (as i like to call it) that will explain all. Love each and everyone one of y'all reading!
Also: I want to add that Francena still has a fear of people leaving, and I still remembered that as I was writing this chapter so please don't call her hypocritical, because she still does have a fear of Julian leaving her even after everything because despite all their problems and there fixes, they still had problems before the story and will continue to have the same problems after the story. I didn't plan on either of their problems to go away in the span of a book because I want to show realism because that's whats most likely going to happen in a real-life relationship.
Ten days after graduation.
The official calls of summer.
Yet, I made no move to leave the house.
I look around my room, finding it in pure destruction. The books fell from the bookshelves, my pillows and blankets thrown across the rooms and everything in complete chaos.
I caused it.
I sat on the cold bed, my eyes lifelessly staring ahead of me. My desk, the only thing I left untouched in the mist of my outbreak, and just wondered.
What is Kenji doing right now?
Is he okay?
Is he safe?
Does he completely hate me?
I could barely stand the looks of my father. He tried to come in and talk to me a couple of times but only to be sent out the door. My grandma offered me many food; bringing it up to my room (something she doesn't usually do), but to no ado. I didn't eat what they brought; I only ate when hunger pained my stomach and forced me to indulge supplements.
My heart throbbed at the reminder that my brother wasn't in the room next door to me; that I couldn't be seeing his annoying face every morning at the sink where we dished out insults about our morning looks before heading downstairs for breakfast. It still hurts.
I had spent all this time preparing my brother for my departure for college. Spent hours reminding him it was going to be okay, we're going to be okay—
When I should've prepared myself.
I knew it was going to be different leaving my brother for college, I knew it would cause me to call homesick a couple of times but in the end, I've always prepared myself to see him again. I've always thought I would see him again.
Now, a disconnected phone number and no trace of my mother located was all that was left of my brother.
I hate her.
I hate her with a burning passion.
I threw the phone to the floor, finding no use for such device when the one person I needed the most wasn't going to find itself to answer.
Somehow, I have this belief that my brother was going to call me and tell me his location so I could come and rescue him.
But nothing.
Ten days.
Ten days of hopeless silence.
The LED light of my phone flashed, and I knew it was going to be another text. My eyes settled on the black screen, before another flash appeared. I didn't pick it up; knowing exactly who it was.
Graham or Iris.
They were blowing up my phone for the past ten days, and even tried attending to my house only to be shooed away. I didn't want to see anyone, I don't want to see them. I didn't felt like participating in some summer bucket list we original plan when I don't feel like it. When I don't even feel like living.
A knock on the door appeased the door and I'm stuck back to the reminder of Kenji once more. The hope soon dies when the memory sets—he's gone.
"Go away," I didn't turn to see who was it, I didn't care. My father, my grandma, my best friends—just leave.
"Francena," the soft voice entered the bedroom and I immediately took note of his voice.
"Go away, Julian," I grumble, turning away from the door to not allow him to see my face. It was swollen; eyes swelling up from constant tears and cheeks flustered red. I was a mess—am a mess.
Footsteps sounds closer to the bed, before the seat next to me dipped in weight. "Rivera called me several times," Julian starts off quietly, before letting out a small chuckle. "You know how bad it must be in order for Rivera to call me?"
I didn't reply, my eyes setting on the phone in front of me. Dropped between the ditch of blankets and pillows I've thrown across the room in my destruction.
"I texted you. I called you, Francena. You didn't answer."
"I told you I wanted to be alone." I mumble under my breath, almost inaudible. I didn't know if he heard me.
"No you don't," Julian replied back softly, causing my heart to ache. My hands clench into fists, "no one wants to be alone. Stop holding it in."
"Leave me alone, Julian," I wanted to shove him away, when I knew he was right. I didn't want to be alone—but in the same, I do. I don't deserve to feel this way—yet I am. I wanted someone to understand me, but I felt like words and my tears can't sustain the type of heart aches I'm feeling right now. The emotions coursing through my system.
Falling in love was bad enough, now imagine losing a best friend? A sibling?
"I don't want to talk," I said lowly. Julian heard all of my countless screaming the other night; my constant crying. I didn't want to repeat myself.
"No one is asking you to." He answers, shifting closer towards me. He didn't touch me though, he didn't try to comfort me through contact.
I swallow hard, finding Julian's presence was going to make it hard for me to think about Kenji. Not because I'm going boy-crazy and I've lost the thought of my brother at the mention of a boy. Instead, it's because the presence besides me lingers and waits, wanting something but obtaining nothing.
It's a crazy, uncomfortable void in the air and I didn't want to crack.
But yet, I do.
"Rivera told me that you and Iris had this big bucket list for summer. It was supposed to run the full two month course with the three of you." Julian begins, filling in the silence.
"Julian..."
"I didn't ask you to talk," he reminds, finding a clever loophole, "I'm talking."
That almost made me chuckle, and though it didn't achieve it's mission; a small, tiny smile lingered on my lips.
"I also heard that Rivera got accepted into Stanford. Since he was a soccer player and salutatorian, he managed to cooped a full ride scholarship. I guess I'm going to be seeing him a couple more years." He chuckles to himself, but the idea was slightly forced. I knew he was trying to lighten the mood, especially during my damped expression. "We're trying to get better. Everything is still hanging loosely on a thread between our relationship, but we're trying to get better. Mainly, for you."
That one did earn a better smile, but complimented with the smile was a hot stray tear falling down my cheek.
I still didn't turn towards him.
Julian sighs, finding his commentary had gotten him almost to nowhere. In the pit of my stomach, I wondered if he was giving up and decided I wasn't worth it anymore. The trouble he has to go through.
Julian falls onto the bed with a thump, causing me to slightly trampoline off the bed for a second. "I guess I'm going to have to get comfortable, huh?" He muse, sighing deeply. "I don't care. Having you ignore me for possible hours is still better than having Tasha cling to me for a minute."
The chuckle did escape my lips this time, and I cut myself short once I found myself unconsciously releasing the sounds.
"Oh my god, was that a laugh I heard from you, Francena Nakamura?" Julian teased, causing me to burn in heat. I didn't reply to his words as I stared out to the open, "Now, I'm definitely not leaving finding that I have actual hope."
No reply.
"Fine," Julian shrugs, "I see that the silence is still between us. Whatever, I'll still talk. Maybe it would annoy you enough to reply to me."
God, I want to kiss you right now.
"So, Nick is going into a private college downtown but only enough to grab business credit. He wants to take over his dad's company," Julian begins to ramble, "Isaac is attending a college in Virginia from an offered scholarship and Colin is going to Colorado. Funny, huh? C going to C?"
Jesus, Julian.
"Of course, that leaves me. But I'm lucky enough to go to Stanford with this wonderful girl, and I can't wish for anything better," he said softer this time, tugging into my heartstrings. And though, the thought of us in college brought a smile to my face. I frown instantaneously.
"I'm thinking of not going," I said quietly, not sure of Julian heard me. This thought was going through my head for a good period of my ten day silence.
"What?!" Julian jumps up from the bed, and the weight dipped again next to me. "What do you mean, you don't want to go? I thought you were looking forward to this college since freshman year?"
This time, this caused me to turn to face him. I finally got the chance to admire him; his hair cut short and neatly, the bags under his eyes growing more faint and he was more healthy in skin colour. Better.
He dressed himself in Adidas shorts and a Adidas tee. His brown eyes focused on me as they were wild.
I begin to play with my fingers.
"When Kenji was here," god, I make it sound like he's dead, "he never liked the idea that I was moving half way across the country for a college. Now that he's gone... I'm not sure that I want to anymore."
I want to find him, I wanted to add, but the tip of my tongue slipped and didn't allowed me to finalised my words. I want to stay here to find him.
"And why is that? Why are you giving up your dream college just because your brother is gone?"
I swallow, clenching my palms open and close. "I–I," I swallow, as Julian's eyes patiently watch me. "I want to find Kenji. I want to stay here—I'm pretty sure my mom wouldn't move—"
"Francena," Julian place both of his hands on my shoulders, causing me to run short of my words. His brown eyes bore into mine, demanding words that he didn't speak. "You are your own life before your brother."
And that made me angry.
I shot up from my seat, moving away from his touch like it was poisonous. "That's my brother, Julian!" I practically screamed, throwing hand gestures in the air as my eyes flared. "You're talking like he's just another person. That's my best friend, that's my brother!"
I didn't know why his words attacked me so hard, but it did.
Once I finished yelling, I paused and found myself at a moment of clarity. I had gone too hard, too fast. Now the rising fear bubbling up as the same thought comes to my mind: is he going to leave now?
I whimpered at the thought, and Julian, instead of making the turn and exiting out of the door, he stood up from his position and comes closer to me. His hands out, in front of him, as he takes steady steps towards me.
"Francena," he begins softly, "no one is saying that."
He didn't leave.
"What I'm just trying to say is," he approaches me slowly, "your brother loves you. No doubt. I know you want to stay and help your brother, and possibly find him from your mom, but you can't let him stop your dreams—what would he think when he hears that? That you stopped the chance to attend your dream college because of him?"
And it sting.
I draw back a breath as I imagine my brother before me. In his growing beauty as he nearly topples over me in height, and telling me that I should attend the college. Despite what's going on with him, I should attend my dream college. I could imagine Kenji would yell at me, and even with his fear that we're going to be separate, he wouldn't hold me back from something I want. He loves me too much for that.
"B–but—"
"Francena." Julian said solidly, "Don't drop your dreams for your brother. He wouldn't want you either."
And I broke again.
I begin to cry again; the overwhelming feeling of my brother comes back to me in waves and I begin to sob. Julian was quick to come over again, wrapping his arms around me as I bury my face into his chest. Soaking up his shirt.
"I'm sorry," I didn't know who I was apologising for—Kenji, or Julian, "I shouldn't have thought of that—I just thought he would–I just thought—" I shake my head, grabbing a hand full of Julian's shirt material as I sob more. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologise for." Julian reminded, as I continue to sob. My throat scratchy as I slow to calm. Hiccups didn't appear yet, but if I continue to head down this familiar path—I might.
Julian pulls me away, his hand cupping my cheeks as my sobs pull to a minimum. Tears continue to stray, but Julian looks down and meet my eye.
"I love you," he declares, causing me to soften, "and, I know you love your brother. But you can't let this thing control what happens to the rest of your life."
I don't reply.
"Come on," his hand fell from my cheeks and slide down to my hands, intertwining our fingers together. I look back up at him, just to see his back turned and he begins to exit out of the room. I begin to retaliate and pull back.
"Julian, I'm a complete mess to leave—"
"No one is going to see us," he proclaims, dragging me out of my room and down the stairs as my other hand tried to pry his hand from my grip.
"Bye Mr Nakamura, Bye o bāchan! [grandma!]" Julian declares, as he hurries to crack open the door and drag me out of house, barely time for me to slip on some footwear.
"Julian, I need slides!" Julian paused, allowing me time to slip on some shoes before he continues his drag-fest.
He clicks on his car keys, announcing the doors to be unlocked with a button and a flashed from the car. He brings me to the passenger's seat, opening up the door before releasing my hand. I look down at my palms, finding it slightly red from all the drag.
"You know you have to pay my medical bills if I come back bruise?" I declare, rubbing my hand as I got into the car willingly.
"Ah, I miss that spunk." he announces, closing the door behind me as he rushes over to his seat and got behind the wheel. He turns to me. "And don't worry, that's what I'm going to Stanford for."
"Bruising people?"
"Healing." he corrected, with a hint of a smile on his lips. I shake my head, rolling my eyes as Julian slides the keys in the ignition. The car roars to life, and he begins to back up from the driveway.
"I'm going to the koi pond, by the way," he said, about to take the turn towards the garden.
Suddenly, I lunge forward, grabbing a hold of his steering wheel from turning, "wait!" I announce, causing Julian's eyes to widen a good fraction. His hands knocked off the steering wheel before turning back to me. I swallow, releasing my hold as Julian took back control.
"What's going on, Francena?" He asks, surprised from my sudden outburst.
I swallow, adjusting the seatbelt as I turn to my boyfriend. "Can we–can we go somewhere else?"
It took a moment, before he nods. "Okay, sure, where?"
"Three Haven."
—
Julian settled down at the bench next to me, a small distance between us as we stare out into the scenery. No words spoke between the two of us; just staring and admiring the soft waves of the waterfall hitting the rocks at the end of the lake. Eyes scanning over the trees, to the water, to the majestic waves that seem never-ending.
"What is this place?" Julian said after a moment of unsolicited silence.
"I found it when I got lost one day," I explain slowly, hand on top of the other, "I parked and found this place empty. Curiosity to the path, I came in closer and found this place. It's like my secret spot."
I inhale sharply, "I brought my brother here. He was the first person I brought here. Not Graham, not Iris. Kenji. We carved our signature over that rock over there." I pointed towards the mindless direction, knowing the place but not the exact location. I just show him the aspect of what I was talking about. Julian's eyes followed.
Julian didn't reply, just listening.
"Am I a bad sister?" I ask silently. I wasn't feeling overwhelm with my emotions right now, I just felt hollow. Finally leaving my house, where my main source of treachery was held, it felt empty. I didn't feel like crying, it was an honest pure moment where I grabbed a hold of sanity and spoke my mind.
"No," Julian shakes his head, and his head hung low as he does so. "You're a great sister; this wasn't your fault."
"It's easy for you to say, you aren't in the situation I'm in." Of course I felt at some fault; in a sane mind, it's perfectly normal for someone to revisit their past events and past choices in a traumatising situation. What I could've done better, what I could've not do. A lot of what ifs play through my head at the same scenery. Had I just waited a little longer?
"I know," Julian scratch his heel against the dirt, "I don't know how you feel but I do know it's not your fault. It's not your fault that your mom had legal documents against your dad—"
"I don't want to talk about him." I cut him short, holding out a hand. Julian runs his lips shut, frowning but follow and doesn't peak another word about my father. "I hate him."
"You don't mean that," Julian concludes softly, but I argued back with a nod of my head.
"Yes, yes I do." I reply, clenching my fists, "when I was dealing with a hell of my problems, I shouldn't have to worry about Kenji as well. My father should've handled that—he should've. Out of everything he could've done—he should've stop her."
"You can't blame him," Julian said, "he's not at fault."
"Yes he is," I argued back stubbornly, "someone is at fault for this situation, and if it's not me, it's him."
"Why couldn't it be your mom?"
"Because she's not here," I wanted to blurt out, but instead said with a tamed anger in my voice. I was about to take a stand, leave the conversation like a flight-or-fight mode, but instead stuck my heel to the ground. "I can't yell at her, I never relied on her. I did on my father."
Julian doesn't reply, probably didn't have the words to rebuttal to that. He has good parents, he didn't have a fucked up home situation—I have. I dealt with it before. It's smart that he didn't open his mouth and proclaim to a situation he's never gotten information on.
It was silent, deadly. The waves touching the rocks claimed the only atmosphere we had.
I suck in a breath. "I know," I said lowly, calming my voice to an extend. I breath in again, "you must hate me going—"
"Don't do that," Julian cuts in. "I'm your boyfriend now, you don't have to worry about me leaving because of a problem you have. As your boyfriend," he reaches over and grabs my hand, unclenching my fist, "we work through each other problems. No matter how big or small. It's us against the problem. Not you against me."
I smile slightly at the thought, looking down to find our conjoined fingers settled on my lap. "I know you say that but, just because you're here now doesn't mean my fear just washes away. I've had this fear for years; someone important to me can just leave. Even if you say that, I'm still going to have it."
Julian slides closer, "so we work through it." Julian declares confidentially, "we're going to work through. I know me being here won't fix everything that's going on with you—just like you being here doesn't fix my depression. But it helps, y'know? It's helps, and with more days and more time we spend together, we'll focus to work on it. I'm not leaving, and I'm not planning to."
I smile a bit bigger this time. "I'm not leaving you too," I whisper, lips curved wider into a delicate smile. "I'm here too."
"I know," he releases the hold on my fingers and wrap his arm around my shoulders, pulling me against his muscles. Instinctively, I lean to the side, laying my head on his shoulder. "I sure as hell hope you don't either. With everything we've been through, I hope you don't give up on me that easily."
I didn't reply, and I didn't get a chance to before he adds, "cause I finally found my answer to that question: yes, yes, I found my true love. And I know for a goddamn fact that it's you."
He leans down, and instead of planting a kiss on my lips, he presses his lips against my templet. It warm my heart and I knew for the fact my reply was going to be the same.
"Me too," I said securely, looking up to meet his brown eyes. "I found my true love too."