I watched Van stretched across the pool table, they were playing a rematch, just him and Bob, because he reckoned he could do better than Bondy had done alone and to be fair, he was right, though not much better.
I leant back against the bar stirring a double vodka coke, looking around at the pub and the people, only really thinking about my dad and how different my life could have been if he'd taken me with him when he left. This would have been my local, and Van and the lads might have been my friends, and so just for a night, it was nice to pretend that thats exactly what this was. My normal Friday night, down the pub after work with the lads. Nothing complicated just a few pints and a game of pool.
No shoulder to constantly look over, no aching chest whenever I glanced at Van, who was never glancing at me and was always concentrating on something else.
"Jesus wept Van give it here," I groaned taking the cue out of his hand and taking the shot before he'd even had the chance to realise who had done it. "There," I said half a smirk half a glare as he stood blinking back at me, astounded.
"Oh um, cheers darlin," he said coughing a little, trying to cover up the way I'd taken him by surprise.
"Any time," I shot him half a smile, a little sarcastic, a little short tempered, before returning to my drink, sitting down beside Saffy who was stirring her own drink, this strange faraway expression on her face which I had hoped coming here would shift.
"Now then mardy bum," she hummed the corners of her lips quirking because she knew the reason for my bad mood.
"He's just acting like nothings wrong,"
"Yeah," she nodded, "I noticed... thats Van though isn't it,"
"What do you mean,"
"Happy go lucky, like a bottle of pop,"
"You think Van Mccann is like a bottle of pop,"
"Cherryaid to be precise," she said her voice faraway just like her eyes as she followed Johnny across the room. I bit back a smirk, bewildered at first, "you know, bit indie, but kinda sweet and your mum likes it,"
"My mum doesnt like it,"
"Your mum won't like Van either though will she... is he still going the wedding?" She asked, turning to me then, though I was watching him.
"I dont know do I, he won't talk to me properly, won't let me get him alone..."
"Maybe he's waiting for the opportune moment.'."
"When is the opportune moment to break up with someone you were only half seeing?" I sneered sarcastically, but someone else cut in and wiped that smile clean off my lips.
"Who's breaking up with who?" Asked Van with half a chuckle as he gulped down half his beer, slipping in beside me, arm draped lazily across the back of the seat we were now sharing. I stiffened, bristling as his lackadaisical nature wound me up even more.
"No one you nosy git piss off," I flashed him a toothy smile, trying to be cheeky, but something didnt sit right and I think he could tell. He only sort of smiled back, only sort of laughed along.
"Alright alright," he sniggered, "am only trying to make conversation, I thought you northern girls were meant be friendly,"
"If you're gonna start pushin her buttons you can pay for the privilege and buy us another round," cut in Saffy with a sweeter smile, finally turning her attention away from the others, or the other, to us.
Van only cracked a grin, hands up in surrender before abandoning his cue and making his way to the bar. I let out a sigh, looked to Saffy for some assurance but she was already gazing once again at Johnny Bond, and so, there was nothing left for me to do but roll my eyes, pick up the cue and take his place at the pool table to win him a game.
When Roxy Music came on I felt a little better, and when James started playing I felt myself grinning along, singing away, wiggling a little as I prepared to take my shot.
"But she only cums when she's on top!" I tipped my head back to shout along with Saffy who had finally joined me, the two of us giggling away, childish as you like.
"Dress me up in womens clothes, messed around with gender roles, dye my eyes and call me pretty," I put a hand on my hips, doing a little rotation around the cue, hardly able to contain myself as Saffy blew me a kiss and we both struggled to hit the high note, belting it out anyway of course.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" We gasped for air between notes, all awhile blissfully unaware of the lads watching us, holding back laughter of their own, sentimental smirks lingering.
"Ere give me that," laughed Larry taking the cue from me, "fuckin hell your mad you two are," he chuckled only to win the final shot and take credit for what should have been my victory.
"Robbed! Ive been robbed!"
"Someone call the police Felicity Thomas been robbed,"
"You don't half pick and choose that last name of yours do you," winked Blakes sitting down opposite us as we all gathered around our little table in the corner.
"The privileges of havin an absent father ey," I smirked back dryly, taking one of the vodkas Van had left for us on the table, stirring it as I sipped slowly. I was trying to pace myself, trying to calm down.
In truth the anxiety I'd been feeling ever since they arrested Rhys, had never really faded out. Even now, surrounded my friends my chest was tight and my breaths were too shallow, too frequent. I could feel my body and my soul struggling against something, both of them on edge, as if I was balancing on the precipice once again, as if I was tiring and losing my balance.
Every now and then I'd steal a glance at Van, every now and then I'd hope to catch his attention but it seemed to me he had other things on his mind because whenever I looked up he was always looking somewhere else and whenever I spoke my words never quite reached him.
When Saffy had disappeared outside Bondy had followed, they'd been out there for ages and when she came back inside she was smiling to herself softly, she was lighter on her feet. She didn't seem so hollow.
When I went outside for a smoke I'd finished my cig alone, I'd stood there, blinking under the streetlamps, shivering in the early December air, trying to convince myself that if I waited just a little bit longer he'd come outside. He'd stand beside me, take my hand in his and tell me something I needed to know.
But he never did and I always wandered back inside alone. Always stood at the bar tapping my loose change agitated as you like, all heavy shoulders and sullen expression. Always on my own.
At kicking out time we all stumbled out together, the lads singing some little ditty they'd made up in highschool, sniggering away with one another as if they still were, in highschool that is. And when Saffy had skipped ahead with Bondy and Bob, I had fallen back a little, dragging my feet, gazing around at the quiet little seaside town, midnight washing over the desolate buildings and the run down cafes.
It was lonely, listening to them laughing, watching their shadows shrinking ahead of me down the street as they kicked a plastic bottle between them, jumping and shoving one another into street lamps, bollards and bins.
I didn't even realise I was really on my own until suddenly I was, until suddenly their laughter had turned a corner, faded out, until they were just a distant echo and the street I walked was suddenly dark. Real dark.
The moonlight glistened on the cobbles the same way it danced on a still sea, and for a moment I just stood their, breathing softly in the silence, hands shoved in my pockets, just listening.
Every now and then someone, perhaps one of my friends would laugh of shriek, their voice would reverberate around me, dizzy me, and then just like that it would be gone. Absorbed by the silence, just as it seemed they had been sucked up into the night.
I followed the street, only sort of recognising the roads, only sort of sure I could make my way home without them. I walked wondering whether they had noticed my absence yet, whether they would at all, or whether come morning they would wake up without realising I'd not come home with them.
I walked wondering whether he had noticed, whether he would, if he went to bed not knowing where I was.
And then out of nowhere I was yanked from the road, a pair of arms wrapping around my waist, a hand clasped over my mouth as I let out a shriek of my own.
"Gotcha!" Sniggered Van as I tried to wriggle free, hitting at his arm to swat him away.
"What the fuck Van get off!" I gasped for air as he finally let me go and I shot away from him, keeping my distance with a scowl on my face as he carried on laughing.
"Christ you shoulda seen your face love, whatre you doing walkin so slow, I thought I'd lost yous for a minute, I'd have been running round town all night tryna find yous!"
"What the fuck?!" I was still gasping, still in shock, the momentary fright doing little to ease my aching chest. "What the fuck?!" I breathed turning to him then with a look of pure bewilderment, "why would you..." I started before realising my mistake. Of course he would. "Fuck sake Van you can't just..."
"Can't just what?" He giggled, "that were priceless, honest your face was class that was hilarious,"
"You scared the shit out of my you daft git!" I exclaimed only causing him to laugh a little more. "Fuckin hell Van," I shoved him before storming ahead a little wound up, a little just trying to rile him in return.
"Ey ey, calm down love, im sorry alright im sorry, come on come back I dont wanna lose you again do I?" He ran after me, arms around my waist again slowing me down as he cocooned around me and mumbled in my ear. "Anyway it had to be me come find you didn't it, how else was I gonna get you alone?" He placed a kiss on my neck, a kiss on my cheek and though for a second I was smiling, the minute I cottoned on my face fell and I found myself tugging away again.
"Van stop it..." I mumbled, "whatre you doin ey, stop messing with my head," I sounded so sulky, so stupid but as I pulled away and pushed him off his own expression fell and his once carefree demeanour was suddenly falling apart.
"You usually love it when I do that," he pouted, standing opposite me with one of those twinkling mischievous smirks threatening his playmate expression.
"You're just, I don't know im just..." I trailed off and watched as his brows knitted together, the cogs in his drunken mind slowly beginning to turn.
"Just what darlin?" He asked a little softer than before, stepping a little closer but not too close.
"I don't know, confused?" I sighed, for a second he didn't seem to understand and then all at once he did and his frown grew deeper and his eyes grew darker and for a moment I saw self loathing flash through his eyes.
"You're still thinking about the message arent you," he managed though his voice sounded lower now, a little rough a little wounded, "for fuck sake," he hid his face in his hands before sliding them over his eyes and through his hair. "I really fucked up didn't I," he grimaced but I just shrugged. Hoping though not hopeful that he hadn't.
"You were gonna break up with me Van, weren't you?"
"I..." he trailed off, "fliss I..."
"You don't know do you? You don't even remember doing it?" I bit my lip, chewed the inside of my cheek swallowing down a sob. I hadn't thought I was going to cry until I'd felt it, the tension in my neck.
"I..." for a moment he was lost for words and then suddenly all at once I was turning away.
"Forget it Van, id doesn't matter..." I shrugged him off, shoving my hands in my pocket as I began the walk back to his mothers b&b, trying my best to ignore his voice only ever a meter or so behind me.