ALSO: this is Julian's first chapter in his point of view (and the only chapter excluding possible bonuses).
ALSO, ALSO: the final chapters are coming up, a few more until the ending and epilogue comes to light!!
JULIAN
When my eyes slowly opened, the first thing on my mind was water. My throat was burning in heat, begging for something to sip on to get rid of the flames that feels clog in my throat. I turn around, seeing my little sister resting against the chairs as her fingers tangled nervously around one another.
"W-water," my voice comes out hoarsely, almost sick. Her eyes found mine, and registered the words I barely spoke. She reaches over for a cup, pouring out a large quantity in the plastic cup before shakily handing it to me.
My arms, weaken and drained, by my side reaches up for the cup and begin to hungrily pour the liquid into my lips. I greedily took all of the drops, before handing it to my sister for another round.
She hands me in repeat, and in the second finish, I felt better.
"God," my sister sets the cup by her side, "you scared the hell out of me."
"W—" I choked, coughing on my words as I shot up in a straighten position. Jaycee got to her feet as she hands me another cup, and offer up a strong pat on the back. I sip.
"Take it slow, Jay," Jaycee declares and I stare down at the hospital environment surrounding me. Beeping monitors, a IV stuck between my veins, as the TV played some overreacted football game. I don't even like football.
"What happened?" I look down at my hands, hoping it provide a sense of information. I don't remember anything, honest. I remember going to school, dazed and almost half out of it. I couldn't walk, I dragged mainly. My eyes were tired and begging for sleep, but I couldn't. My head was rocking back and forth, hearing Tasha.
"I wasn't there but you blacked out," she explains, "full on black out. Like you were drunk. You apparently fell forward and went completely dead."
"When?"
"Lunch period," she explains, sucking in a breath, "Francena and your friends helped you."
Francena.
Fuck, after everything she went through with me; after every situation that she always forgives me for, after every insomnia session she helped for me, and after evening getting back with Tasha right before asking her out completely, she still helps me. The prom incident, the drunken confession, everything.
She's too good for me.
Fuck, I keep messing up, don't I?
But I need Tasha, right?
I need her.
I've always needed her.
"What happened then?"
Jaycee raised both her hands in the air, "not quoting anyone but, you blacked out. Francena and Nick helped carried you to the hospital. Isaac took me out of class and told me what happened to you."
"And then?"
"You've been sleeping for almost three days. Francena stayed with you for almost every hour, but she had classes she had to attend to." Jaycee answers with a gulp, and I frown.
I don't reply to anything, turning away as the sound of low broadcast sport caster invited the room. "Francena told me you didn't have the voice in your head anymore. I thought that meant you can sleep."
How do I explain to my little sister that I don't have the voice anymore, that it no longer tells me that I'm not good enough and the sole reason for keeping me up — to the fact that I have another voice. Consistently criticising me, telling me to become better, and telling me I should be a better boyfriend. And that voice is now Tasha?
It's normal, right? She's just trying to help me.
She's just trying to help me.
"I don't have the voice anymore." I answer truthfully, "it's difficult, you won't understand."
"You say it without explaining to me or giving me the damn chance to analyse. You backed out without giving me reasoning. Fucking spill it, Julian."
My name cupped her tongue weirdly, having my sister call me by my full name was awkward and unnatural. It was like for Francena and her brother; he called her Rei, and when he calls her Francena (and I'm sure it's almost to never) it must seem unnatural. Suspicious.
"It's Tasha. I hear Tasha." I said lowly, preparing myself to gather my evidence and words. I remember telling the gang that I was having doubts and hearing Tasha more in my head without her physically being here. I thought I was going insane, becoming delirious.
Instead of telling me I was crazy, they begin to call Tasha out. Telling me she was the problem. They kept telling me that she kept taking all of my time, never allowing me time with my friends. They kept telling me that she was too possessive, too demanding. But I've always backed her up—she's my girlfriend. It's okay in a relationship.
Right?
But Francena.
God, Francena.
I've never had to cross my words for her, I never had to lie about where I was or what I was doing. I never had to worry about her cutting me off from my friends. She was never demanding, almost always reassuring and kept her boundaries. She never made me latch onto her like a lifeline, and always made me become my own. My independency.
The quite opposite of Tasha.
"Hello?" My sister snaps her fingers in front of my face, drawing me away from my thoughts.
"Huh?"
"Great, you don't listen to me, either."
"No–no, I do!" I pathetically excuse. "I'm just kinda distracted right now."
"God, what's on your mind? Tasha again?"
Actually...
"Francena." I answer shortly, causing my Jaycee to widen her eyes. "I'm thinking about her."
"I don't know if I should call you a dickhead for having a girlfriend and thinking of another girl, or should be proud because I actually like Francena better than your girlfriend?"
"She has a name, Cee."
"I know it," she answers shortly, "but the nickname for her is TT."
"What the hell does that means?"
"Toxic Tasha."
I almost shoved my sister off my hospital bed, but restrained myself because in actuality, I had no strength for such motives. "She's not toxic, alright?" My voice grew strong, and almost instinctively. I've been using this excuse since freshman year.
"Yes she is, and no matter how many times you have called it out, it never change. You aren't The Rumour, okay? You're not going to change facts."
"She's not toxic!" I nearly scream, causing my voice to go scratch. Despite my sister giving me a glare, she hands me another cup of water. I sip. "She's, she's not toxic."
"Then tell me, Jay," my sister hummed lowly, "if she's not toxic, how come she's not here with you, right now? When has she ever put you first? If she's not toxic, why are you thinking of her and it's keeping you awake. Why are you defending what your friends and family are stating. Why are you hanging out with Tasha, and Tasha only? Where is your friends? What happened to them."
I didn't answer immediately. I've always caved when Tasha spoke, and when someone spoke in the same tone as her, I've always got flashbacks. Reminders. Nick given me this talk before, but I've always managed to hold my ground because we were dating and this is before insomnia. Now, what is this?
"She's not toxic," pathetic, I can't excuse my girlfriend. Why can't I excuse my girlfriend. "She's protective. She loves me, she cares, Cee. You don't see it because you've listened to Nick and them. I've seen her, I know her, I love her."
Jaycee bites her lip, but doesn't hesitate. "If you love her so much, if she's not toxic at all—how come you are thinking of Francena?"
And I bite.
I don't have shit to reply to. I don't know how to reply to this. Why am I thinking of Francena when I have a perfect girlfriend already in my grasp.
"Is it possible to love both?" I ask lowly, and Jaycee scoffs.
"If that's not the most dickhead thing I've heard you said," she shakes her head, "no. You cannot love two people at the same time. If you do, one obviously must be felt more than the other. You can't have two same connections."
"How would you know, you told me you're asexual."
"Cause I heard for you, you dickhead!" She jumps up from her seat, running her hand through her hair. "You've told me this experience you had with love, you told me all about this shit and a girl may not have felt the need for bone, but at least she can piece things together. I know, I know, love is meant to special. And you cannot have that special with two."
I sulked, frowning. It was quiet for a moment as Jaycee gathers herself and sits herself into the cushioned chair. Her phone tucked under her thigh.
"Then what should I do?" I ask lowly, the beeping monitor announcing a beat. I'm still alive. Barely.
"I love Francena, and I love Tasha, what should I do?"
"You have to pick, Jay," my sister said softly, "you can't dangle both in your arms and not make a choice. Either you pick one, or lose both."
I've never been given the choice in a relationship. Tasha always manages to pick what's best for me. She picks out everything to the minimal amount of deal. She knows; I've never been given a say.
So when I'm having a choice I must conquer, I don't know how to reply.
"I don't know how."
Jaycee sighs, running her nails through her hairs again as she lets out a deep sigh. Her eyes wander. In thought.
"Then tell me why you love each person?" Jaycee prompts, and I raise my brow. She sighs, exhausted. "Francena, first."
Francena.
Why do I love Francena?
"She makes me smile. She always has this glow about her and she always tries to think ahead for people. She doesn't think about herself a lot, but when she's does—it's different. She's high in her self-confident, but not too the point of narcissistic. She cares about her family, and she tries to connect with mine. She loves her brother so much—god, she loves that little boy. She comfortable; she's safe. She goes the extra mile for everything and doesn't wait for the return favour. She gives everything, and expects nothing back."
Jaycee simply smile, "and Tasha?"
Why do I love Tasha?
"She cares about me. She–she thinks for me, she knows the best for me. She always tries to take care of me. She can be really sweet and she cares a lot about other people. She cares about animals and children. She knows me inside out, and she knows me better than I know myself."
Jaycee doesn't say anything, and shot a short nod.
"Now, why do you hate Tasha?"
That took a turn.
"Are you sure—"
"Answer the question, Jay."
I look to the door, fearing that Tasha could be outside and hear me. I would never hear the end of this, and she would be giving me the silent treatment days on end if she hears a word.
But overall, I did have some things to say.
"She always tries to check my phone. She always demands where I'm at all the time, and she always tries to make me do things I don't want to do. She keeps talking shit about the gang, and Francena especially. She never talks to me, and always have to make me beg to apologises. I don't even know what I do sometimes. She always have something to say about everything, even when I don't say anything. When we do argue, if she's not telling me to drop it, she always brings back whatever I told her in private—in confident. It pisses me off."
Jaycee merely hums. "And Francena?"
It didn't come to me instantaneously, like it did with Tasha. It felt weird having the words coming from the tip of my tongue, and everything in between. I've always held in my thoughts out of fear of how Tasha would react. Especially since Nick and them would judge, and my parents barely knew anything about Tasha.
I felt better, though. A weight lifted off my shoulders had I said everything drowning my thoughts. Why had I never done this better? Why haven't I talked to something before?
Because Tasha had told me not to.
"Francena," I mumble, snapping my fingers as I tried to concoct up a reason or a hatred I spilled for her. Maybe hatred is something too far, but some dislikes? Something.
"Francena called me out in front of my friends," I declared confidently, before it faltered. "But she apologised soon and tried to make up for it." I mumble afterwards as I snap my fingers.
"Francena hung out with Gabriel during the getaway," I announce once more before finding reasoning behind. "But that's also my own jealousy. She didn't do anything wrong towards me."
"Francena's emotional, she doesn't keep her words in check and she lets them out without a second thought." I said lowly, but that didn't felt like a good enough reason. She can't help that, and in fact, at least she tries to do better. She tries to calm down more, and tries not to cause too much from my thoughts. I shake my head. "No, no."
After a few more minutes of me going back and forth from my words, I officially declared defeat. I couldn't understand why I couldn't come up with any reasons without concluding my own evidence to back them up.
"I can't," I mumble in defeat and Jaycee merely chuckles.
"So you're telling me you love these two people and one of them you can list a whole ass reason for why you hate them, and the other, you can barely scratch the surface?" I gulp. "Funny. I thought you love them back equally."
I open my mouth to reply when no words escaped.
"Dear brother," Jaycee muse, "you may be older than me by two years but you're still an absolute idiot."
"Hey..."
"You know who you love more," my sister spoke softly, standing up as she takes her phone into her grasp. Pressing something. "You have to tell them now. No takebacks, nothing holding you back."
My sister smiles down sadly at me, "I don't know Tasha, I really don't. You can say all the shit you want and defend her how you want, but I know she's not healthy for you. I know you want more, and she is holding you back. You may have loved her in the beginning for a certain reason, but one reason cannot hold you back. When you love someone, you love pass their flaws and their beauties. If you have that much to say about Tasha, then you don't love her. Not enough to spite everything." She adjusts her shirt, offering me another smile. "But you do love someone, despite everything. Her flaws and perfections. And, I'm sorry to say it, but it's not Tasha."
"Pick."