Jeno's POV-Age: 14
Unmotivated. That's how I've been feeling this whole year.
I'm in 8th grade now, and I'm off to high school next school year, but I feel like I just haven't found anything that excites me or something that I'm naturally talented at. Haechan and Chenle have singing, Renjun has art, Jaemin has a natural talent for public speaking and debate because of his tenaciousness, Mark is just smart and talented at everything he touches, and Jisung... Well, I don't know what he's passionate about, but he's such a bright and young boy; he's got so much time. But that isn't the point.
It's not like I'm unhappy; I'm content with life and I have everything I need to make me happy. But I don't feel like I have a goal or dream and life, and I'm so yearning to find one. There's no way for me to accomplish anything or be successful if I don't have drive or motivation for something specific.
And maybe I still have plenty of time to figure out what I want to do, but it almost feels as though I don't have enough time for me. Everyone in my life has found a purpose, and I'm just not there yet. It's as if I'm lagging behind in this competitive race to reach purpose and accomplishment. And it sucks, let me tell you.
I don't feel as if I'm worthless, rather, I'm just having a fucking hard time finding something that I'm good, not mediocre at. Jaemin and Mark always tell me how great I am at sports; I'm strong, athletic, and that makes me a natural athlete, yet there isn't one sport I'm fantastic at. My strength and muscles' potential are almost being wasted on my inability to get better at sports. But what are the alternatives?
Walking into school, I walk slumped with my backpack slung carelessly over my shoulder, my textbooks and notebooks shoved in so poorly that they are threatening to all fall out and create a mess in the middle of the crowded hallways of our school. It's the morning rush at school, but everyone looks sleep-deprived and lifeless, dark bags hanging under their eyes.
And for a second it makes me think, "Maybe everyone is unmotivated, too..." I mean, they all look pretty dead inside, and if they had a passion or a purpose, they would have something to look lively and excited about. Or maybe these are just delusions I'm creating in my mind to cope with my own problems. Either way, it doesn't change how I'm feeling.
Eyes beginning to flutter shut because of my exhaustion, I fight to stay awake knowing that I'll be back home in about 9 more hours, even if I'll have another 4 more hours of homework to do once I'm home. Just as my eyes are about to close against my will, I bump into someone unexpectedly, startling me and bumping me back about a foot. Reorienting myself as I recover from the shock of bumping into someone while in the process of falling asleep simultaneously, I look up to meet the concerned eyes of a girl in my grade who was in the middle of tacking a flyer of-sorts onto the bulletin wall.
"Sorry," I apologize while blushing, hoping I didn't hurt the girl. I've definitely seen her around before, but I don't think I actually know her name or have ever talked to her, for that matter, "You okay? I wasn't paying attention and I just-"
"It's okay. I'm fine, so don't worry about it," she cuts off my babbling, giving me a sincere smile, her eyes curving into crescents. Wow, she's pretty...
"Is there anything I can do to make up for it?" I ask hopefully, partially hoping to make up for being such an idiot in front of her, and partially attempting to flirting with her. What can I say? The girl is really pretty; her jet black hair is tied in a loose, low ponytail with sparse, cute bangs. She has a cute face with friendly, inviting eyes, pale pink lips, and a very beautiful smile.
"Well," she starts hesitantly, a contemplative smile painted onto her face, "Normally, I wouldn't ask anybody to repay me for such a forgivable, harmless accident, but you did happen to bump into me while I was posting a flyer for a dance club that I'm starting... Right now, we don't have too many people joining, so how about you consider joining my dance club?"
I look at her, surprised by the request. Dance? I've never danced in my life. I'd probably look like a disjointed chicken while trying to bust a move. I'm so bad at controlling my limbs and power. I'll probably just embarrass myself in front of the girl, which is the opposite of what I want right now.
"Um... Well, I'd definitely like too, but I've never danced before, and plus, I'm so out-of-control with my body. I'd probably ruin any dance we tried to perform," I say, apologetically, giving her a slight lie about the fact that I want to join this club, which I don't, but then again, I want to impress this girl.
"No worries," I take a sigh of relief. Whew, that was a close one. But then, she decides to continue talking, "You don't have to know how to dance to be in the club. I've been dancing only for about a year, and a lot of the other kids that have joined have never danced before either. We're going to get a professional teacher to teach all of us. It'll be a lot of fun. Plus, I think you'd be great at dancing. You have the body type and physique of a dancer. You'll be a natural, trust me," she informs me, smiling innocently. Oof, it seems as though I've gotten myself into a bit of a predicament that I can't quite wiggle my way out of. Smiling awkwardly at her, a war of thoughts go on in my head as she waits patiently.
I mean if I don't join, I'll possibly never get a chance to see this girl again and I'll never know if I'm good at dancing or not (though I presume that I'm not very good), but if I join, I get a chance with this girl, and who knows, maybe I'll find something that I have a talent for.
"I'm flattered that you think that, but I really don't know... The thought of dancing is...I dunno... foreign to me? I don't know if I'm up for it," I admit truthfully, scratching the back of my neck awkwardly as I cringe internally, waiting for an answer.
"That's okay. I can see why you might be nervous to start, but you'll never know if you're good at it or not unless you try. And plus, you told me that you'd make it up to me," she adds happily, nudging my arm a little as she waits for my answer.
"Okay," I give in, sighing, and not knowing what I've gotten myself into. Then I come up with an idea to relieve this burden a little, and also so I'm not at this club completely alone, "Can I bring one of my friends with me?" I plan on getting Jisung to come with me, whether he wants to or not. He needs something to do, just like me, and I have a feeling that he'll end up being pretty damn good at dancing.
"Of course! The more, the merrier! Meet us right after school in the dance room..." she pauses, as I realize that I didn't tell her my name.
"Jeno. And you?"
"Hyojung, but I prefer Lucy," she says, smiling that pretty smile of hers again.
"Okay then, Lucy. I'll see you later," I say, my mood lifted slightly, as I wave at her, somewhat anticipating this afternoon.
___________________________________________________________________________________
"Sungie, I might've gotten you into something that you have to do today," I reveal hesitantly, looking down at Jisung, who doesn't seem too phased by my immediate request of him, though he seems a tad irritated. I don't blame him though.
"What've you gotten me into now, Jeno?" he asks with a sassy tone, which if it was anyone else his age who used that tone with me, I'd be annoyed, but it's Jisung, so it's impossible to get mad at him. He's too adorable and tiny to make me annoyed, even if he is a bit sassy with me sometimes. He's already 12, after all. This is when kids start to get a little moody, so I understand.
"Well, you're taking dance lessons at dance club after school with me now! How about it?"
Throwing up some jazz hands excitedly, Jisung raises an eyebrow at me, obviously not feeding off of my fabricated enthusiasm.
Taking a deep, irritated breath with his eyes all suspicious and squinty, Jisung asks, "Why in the world are you going to a dance club? The words Lee Jeno and dance shouldn't go in the same sentence unless I'm saying that Lee Jeno can't dance." He snickers a bit, turning to his side to high-five his partner-in-crime, Chenle, when he realizes that Lele went home for the day, so he can't high-five him. What a dork.
"Come on, now, Jisung. I just wanted to try something new."
"Like hell you did. Why are you going to a dance club, Jeno?" he asks again, not buying into my excuse.
"Why did you just curse? You're too young to curse, Sungie. I never want to hear that word come out of your pure mouth until you're my age!" I retort, horrified that the word 'hell' came out of Jisung's mouth. You really don't understand how scarring it is to hear those trashy words come out of the mouth of Jisung, who's so precious and young. I probably sound like Jaemin, Renjun, and Haechan right now, but I don't care.
"You literally curse every day, Jeno. If you don't want me to curse, set a better example for me. If I'm really that pure and innocent, you should set a good example for me because I'm like a younger brother. Plus, Taeminnie gave up on trying to stop me from cursing months ago," Jisung retorts, causing me to frown. This is probably a battle I shouldn't engage in now, so I move on, trying to redirect the conversation.
"Okay, anyway, if you really want to know why I'm trying to dance, I'll tell you. I bumped into this pretty girl named Lucy in the hallway, and I kinda wanted to get to know her better because I don't have any classes with her, so I told her I would do anything to make it up to her from bumping into her. And she told me that she wanted me to come to this stupid dance club, so I finally said 'yes,' and I told her that I'd bring a friend with me. And surprise, you're the friend I'm bringing because I figured that both of us are kind of talentless at any one particular thing," I explain rapidly, plastering a huge, unconvincing smile on my face.
Frowning, Jisung answers, "I don't know about you, but I think I'm pretty dang talented, Jeno. And also, you're so lame. You're making me waste the little time I have after school for homework to go to this club, just so you have a chance with some stupid girl?! Wow, just, wow." He shakes his head shamefully at me, crossing his arms, as I look pretty beat down. Well, there goes everything down the drain. It's fine though; I don't need any girl when I've got Jisung and the other boys always by my side.
Just as I'm about to answer, Jisung unexpectedly adds, "But I'm up for it! I dunno about you, but I've always wanted to try dancing. Look! I taught myself how to pop-and-lock... kinda," Jisung exclaims while attempting to pop and lock. He's not too bad actually; a little rough around the edges, but he's got potential, "Anyway, let's go to this club and get you this girl. You're kinda boring, as you know, Jeno, but if you can learn how to dance, you'll impress this Lucy, no doubt."
"Maybe... Even if I can't, let's hope that I end up being good at dance."
"Well, we'll be in this together, so we'll learn together," Jisung reminds me, flashing an adorable, little smile. I pinch his stretchy cheeks affectionately, and we head on to the dance studio where the club is taking place, a bit of anxiety and anticipation swirling in my stomach.
________________________________________________________________
"Hey, Lucy!" I exclaim, as I slowly shuffle into the dance studio, Jisung trailing right behind me. I smile, putting a baseball cap on over my unruly hair and having changed into basketball shorts and a tank top, I feel ready to move.
The dance studio in the school is relatively large, with glossy hardwood floors, metal bars for practice, and a large mirror spanning the length of a wall. Upbeat hip-hop is being played softly in the background, and a quite a few kids have already arrived, stretching and warming up for a session of dance. They look like they know what they're doing, which makes me more nervous, as I don't want to make a complete fool of myself in front of Jisung and Lucy, let alone the whole club. Dancing is so new to me, and I really don't know what to expect.
Lucy hears me, her head whipping around like a hyper puppy as she rushes over to me from the middle of her stretching routine. Gosh, she looks so pretty, and she's only wearing a slightly cropped t-shirt and leggings. Her natural beauty really shines, and I feel my heart beating rapidly, and I haven't even started exercising. Jisung just snickers behind me, and if Lucy wasn't right in front of me, I'd be in a full-out wrestling match with him, which I'd win easily.
"Hey, Jeno! I'm so happy that you came! I was worried that you wouldn't want to try it out," she says, beaming.
"Yeah, I'm glad I did. Oh, and by the way, I brought my best friend Jisung here with me," I add, motioning towards Jisung, who becomes timid almost immediately after I introduce him. I chuckle internally, now having something new to tease him about.
He waves shyly, and Lucy coos at Jisung, who is so unintentionally adorable, "Hey there, Jisung! I'm really happy that you decided to come with Jeno today. I promise that you'll love dance. I didn't know what to expect the first time I danced, but I fell in love with it almost immediately. It feels so freeing just to move your body without limitation," she explains, as another boy who is in our grade approaches her and puts an arm around her. His name is Junseo, and I think I have science with him, but I've never talked to him before. He doesn't really seem like he dances, so maybe he's starting today like me.
"Jeno, Jisung, how about I introduce you to everyone?" she offers, the two of us nodding in agreement, "Okay, so Jeno may know, but this is Junseo, he's my boyfriend, and he's starting dance today," she says casually, continuing on with all of the other members, but I freeze, my heart stopping. Goddamit! She already has a boyfriend! I should've known though. All of the pretty girls in the grade have a significant other. Slumping down, I realize that I've basically come to the club for nothing, as I only came to try to get Lucy to like me. Jisung obviously notices, and he gives me an apologetic look, patting my back comfortingly. Oof, why is my life such a bitch to me?
I wait out Lucy's introductions of all the other club attendees patiently, but as soon as she's over, I pull Jisung over to the side with much urgency.
"Sungie! Did you hear that? She's got a freaking boyfriend! We might as well just leave this club right now. I mean, what is there for me to do now? I'm not going to go and try to ask her out if she's already got a boyfriend!" I whine, leaning on Jisung's shoulder, as Jisung crosses his arms, acting like the mature one instead of the baby of the group like he usually is, as we all spoil him too much.
"Calm the freak down, Jeno. You met this girl like five hours ago, boy. The point is now, you can't leave the club meeting now 'cause you've already gotten here, so you gotta tough it out. Plus, you're literally fourteen. Why are you freaking out about this one girl so much? You barely know her," Jisung retorts, completely schooling me, causing me to whine more as he rolls his eyes at me.
"It's not that I care about asking her out this much, it's more that I'm now wasting my whole afternoon doing this stupid dance club to get her to like me, but she's already got a boyfriend. Like, I've already committed so much time to this endeavor that's hopeless for me now. Do you get what I'm saying?"
"Sure," Jisung answers, pausing for a second, "Well, you know... Just because she's got a boyfriend doesn't mean that you can't make her like you. Don't flirt with her or try to do any flirty things because that's kinda wrong, given that she's already in a relationship, but if you learn how to dance, you'll get anyone to fall for you. Guaranteed. People love people that can dance well, so if you stick with this dancing, maybe your time won't be wasted. Plus, like half of the girls in the grade like you anyway, so if they start flirting with you more because of your dance ability, maybe Lucy will get jealous," he plots, shrugging his shoulders.
My eyes light up, "Why are you actually so smart, Jisung? That's brilliant. You should have a battle of the brains with Mark, for god's sake."
Maybe this dance club won't be as bad as I thought. And it gives me something to do with my life, so that's a plus.
__________________________________________________________
Dance club starts, and the instructor, Kai, whose an insanely good dancer from the local high school begins to teach us basic stretches and steps. Though many of the club members are beginners, they pick it up easily, and seeing Lucy execute the steps with such precision and grace motivates me to learn it. I love listening to hip-hop music, so dancing to it now is actually pretty fun, even if I trip over myself about every ten seconds.
Not to mention, Jisung is picking it up so quickly, and he already seems to be Kai's favorite because of his tenacity and effort. Seeing him dart around the dance floor as his feet make light thumping sounds against the floor, eyes focused as his mind processes every step just warms my heart as I beam in admiration and happiness for him. Just looking at his focus and immersion thus far already tells me that this is going to be his passion when he's older, and I'm so, so happy for him.
"Jeno, you're up," Kai announces, as I snap out of my trance. Everybody except me has gone up to perform the steps and moves that Kai taught us, and now it's my turn. I just pray I don't make a fool of myself and mess up. Breathing deeply, I stand up and face the mirror as everyone, especially Jisung, cheers me on. Kai isn't very intimidating at all, and flashes a huge smile as I prepare to show what I've learned today.
Sighing heavily, I shake my limbs out and try to focus myself, "Okay, I'll start now." The booming beats and trilling cymbals of the instrumental get in my head, and I begin to move, feeling the music pulse through me. Left foot ahead, jump to the side, a slide into the center, slight, controlled hip rocks, a chest pop transitioning to a direction shift. I get completely engrossed in the music and performance, suddenly drinking up every euphoric, accomplished moment of it as I realize how much I truly enjoy this. While approaching the last few moves, I suddenly trip over myself, my left foot catching onto my right ankle, sending me tumbling to the ground.
Kai rushes to my side as I start to sit up, groaning as I rub my backside that feels bruised up, "You okay, Jeno?"
"Yeah," I answer discreetly, as I blush, realizing that I've just made a fool of myself, but as I look around the room, no one seems to be laughing, but instead look concerned. Jisung and Lucy even rush over to me to check on me. For some reason, I expected everyone to be so judgemental, but now, I almost feel as though I've found a community, or something bigger than the small group of people I hang around to be a part of. And damn, it feels good.
Jisung pulls me to my feet, and Kai makes a proposal, "That was awesome up to your little tumble there, Jeno. Really. I rarely see such naturally talented dancers, even amongst all of the people in my studio. Your control over your movements are awesome already, and I think the only thing limiting you right now is that you seem to get too caught up in remembering your steps. Jeno, do you want to try freestyling for all of us? I know that you don't know too many moves yet, but that's okay. Just let your body become immersed in the music."
I gulp nervously, but nod at his ask of me, "Sure. I'm ready whenever you are." And then I realize that dancing already isn't about trying to not mistakes to make a girl like me, but rather to feel the music flowing through my body and transfer those into controlled but beautiful moves that make me feel fulfilled.
As soon as the music starts playing, I match the chill beats, isolating and moving parts of my body, creating a flowy series of motions. I don't rely on my brain, but rather allow my body parts to think for themselves, formulating movements that match the ups and downs of the music. From controlled pops like the abruptness of cymbal crashes to smooth body rolls as suave as the mellifluous croons of a cello, I realize how much that I'm actually capable of, and a sense of pride and fulfillment fills me up. Being able to move my body freely is so liberating and it gives me a whole new understanding of my body.
The music stops, and everyone gives resounding applause, validating my natural talent as I beam and bow happily, scurrying over to Jisung's side.
"That was gorgeous, Jeno. Really, you and Jisung have such natural, raw talent. I'm only a high-school student, but it would be an honor to work with you two more in your free time because I see so much untapped skill in you two," he compliments, causing me and Jisung to smile at each other, "Anyways, today was a great start you all. Try to practice the steps I gave you, even if you only have a few minutes. See you all next week!"
Standing up and collecting my belongings, I grasp Jisung's hand excitedly as we walk out of the room, as I completely forget Lucy's being, too in love with dance already. I think I know what dream I'm going to chase endlessly, and always vie to improve at it. It's satisfying to know that I've just found my talent, and my purpose as I grow older. Dancing is so unexpected of me, and it's a little weird to know that I would still be unmotivated and stressed if I hadn't crashed into Lucy earlier today.
"I think we just found it, Sungie."
"What in the world are you talking about, Jeno?"
"We found our passion: dance. I just love it so much already, and I can tell that this is what I'm going to dedicate myself to," I explain, letting go of Jisung's hand to wrap my arm around his shoulder as we walk out of the building so I can walk Jisung home before going to my house.
"You're right. When I started dancing, I suddenly forgot about everything that we're all dealing with, and that's never happened to me. Usually, I'm always thinking about Mom, Taeminnie, and what we're going to eat that night even if it's not at the forefront of my mind, but as soon as I started moving my body, I forgot about it and felt so much of a release from life," Jisung admits earnestly.
Just as I was reaching my wits end with this struggle, dancing just happened to pop into my life. And if you're wondering, yes, I'm ready to commit to my new life in motion.
_______________________________
Hi everyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I haven't been able to post in awhile because I haven't had access to a computer, so finally, I'm updating this story again, so thanks for waiting. As you all know, the summer has arrived, and though it gives me a lot of time to write on certain weeks and days, it also means that I won't be able to for many weeks. Updates will be spotty and random again, and honestly, I'm hoping to launch two new stories this summer, but that doesn't seem too plausible at the moment.
Anyways, if you enjoyed the story, please consider giving it a vote, and also, please comment, as I love reading your thoughts!!!
See you soon!