I have two older sisters, born of different mothers, who are disciples of Chun Ping Gu sect. One was born of the late Empress, one of Imperial Father's concubine. I also have older brothers, one who is under tutelage of Hui Lin sect, the other in Wu Shan sect. Both are the Empress' children as well.
All of us, the Dragon's direct bloodline, are talented to some extent, but Shifu always expects more from me. Apparently, I am a talent that no record of Wu Shan sect has ever seen before. I cultivated and broke-through at an unprecedented rate. Even in Wu Shan sect, I was constantly called a freak.
Zuo JinHai, my half-brother, has always been indifferent towards me. I don't have anything against him, nor towards my other half-siblings that I hardly see anyway. In the sect, we have always maintained just enough respect to stay out of each other's way. There is no sibling rivalry, affection, or any familial bond. At least, not that I can feel. Towards each other, we are just fellow cultivators who coincidentally possess the same genes.
Mother, the woman who gave birth to me, who apparently loved Imperial Father to the point of foolishness – I have heard the story from Shifu – has never cared much for me. She was not a bad mother. Physically as a child, I had wanted for nothing. The Imperial Palace does not lack riches that a small boy would want for. However, the most 'love' she has shown me was when she looked at me while I was eating, as she smiled quietly. She smiled, sometimes with a silent sigh escaping her lips, with torment in her eyes. What did she see in me? When she was still alive, she had hardly touched me, as if holding my hand would bring pain to her.
I feel nothing, but sometimes I wonder, what did she give birth to me for? To remind her of Imperial Father? That at least with me, she will always have a piece of Imperial Father nearby?
What good was it, when she died soon after?
If there is one person that I care enough, respect enough, treat like a family, it would be DaShixiong.
Shen Wei DaShixiong acts as if he was my mother, my father, and my brother. Ever since I left the Palace years ago, he is like a fly that you would never be able to get rid of, no matter how much you think how annoying he is.
Anyway, I have been living fine with his constant chatter and meddling.
I thought, to keep living like this, to strive for Dao – whatever that means for me – will be my life. If I could help DaShixiong and Shifu maintain the sect, that would be enough reason to look forward to the future.
Then my cultivation stagnated, after that uneventful journey to fetch the red lotus Shifu had asked me for.
I said uneventful, because I don't really remember the majority of my journey in between leaving Wu Shan sect, and finding the pond. The pond, which was supposed to contain pure qi, was full of rotting plants and deformed small animals. That much I remember, the existence that should not be. The world should not have those deformities.
When I arrived with my martial brothers and sisters at Hui Lin sect, I expected little out of ordinary. As an Enlightened, despite having stagnated for a number of years, I know I was still capable enough to bring prestige to the sect. Shen Wei DaShixiong cared for the sect, so I care for it too. Wu Shan sect would not be embarrassed by us.
I expected nothing extraordinary. And someone extraordinary came along.
I could not see her face then. But I remember, as vivid as daylight, the pull in my heart. The sudden pull I felt, that particular day. The sensation was familiar. I have experienced it... when I left to seek the red lotus, have I not? I don't remember.
But my heart. I have never felt so alive. I have never felt so... expectant.
Regardless, although I felt it, I could not yet see anyone that had impacted me that much. Until people around me made ruckus about some Chun Ping Gu sect's disciples having arrived at Hui Lin sect.
Cao Lu-jie and her martial sisters. Maybe Mei Zi-jie was also there, I thought.
Then I saw her. One distinctly bright existence amongst the four white-robed women. They all exuded grace and elegance, but one, only one... . She was an existence of a white flower blooming beautifully in the nothingness. My nothingness.
It took me all that I was to not make a fool out of myself in front of her for the next days.
The fights were a blur. However I clearly remembered feeling the dread, sucking the lights out of me, when I saw her fighting the unfamiliar looking man. I could sense her qi - definitely an Enlightened, one that should have been powerful enough to defend herself. Especially amongst the young practitioners joining the meet, there were not that many Enlighteneds. I could not sense the man's qi though, nor his unusual martial-arts.
I saw the silver darts. I heard Ao Xiang-shiong's summoning of the Fire Phoenix. I saw her falling to the ground, then fainting in my arms.
In my rage, her presence against my chest as I held her close, was a sole source of comfort.
That feeling, as her head touched my shoulders, isn't that how it should be? But danger is always around her, it seems.
Thus, malice does not seem too important. A princely title is even less so. Imperial Father and his demand to use her, her yin countenance that enables her to sense malice, sounds like an offence to my ears.
If I were able to, I would rather take her away to the end of the world, where there was no malice, no danger, no one else. If only she is willing to. But that is a foolish wish. I am not strong enough.
And now, there she is. Has... she been waiting for me? Dare I think that way?
I think this day, my brain has been working on overdrive, and every thought of mine is always related to her. Even as I begin to see her figure, sitting under the tree, looking perfect, I still wreck my mind on what to say to not embarrass myself in front of her.
A younger man. She would just see me as a joke, would she not?
Then, right here, right now, I hear her voice.
[A pair of butterflies in flight; a pair of mandarin ducks playing]
[Charmed by the garden filled with spring beauty]
My mind is blank. She is the only one I see. There is no other sound around me; just her, her visage, her voice, her song.
[Whispering behind the holy man's ears]
[Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she beautiful?]
Beautiful.
[What is wealth? What is prosperity?]
[Why do we need to be afraid of worldly rules?]
Is the tremor just in my heart? Or am I actually shaking? Her voice melded with something else, a distant sound, something so important that I seem to have forgotten.
What is it? What have I forgotten?
Where have I heard it before? Where ... have... I ... sung it ... before?
The guqin's ringing sound stops. The way she has been pulling on those strings, as if she was pulling my heart instead. Every fibre of my being, is being pulled towards her.
She walks towards me. I stand motionless. Even if death were to come, right here, right now, I think I would not mind.
She takes my right hand and put it in between both of her palms. Despite the raging inferno that is threatening to consume my whole being, she is cool to the touch.
She whispers,
["Only hoping to be eternal as the universe"]
She is looking at me, straight into my eyes. I cannot shift away. Those dark brown pupils are the infinite universe, the cradle of the starry night sky, the comfort of a still river.
I... . Why... . Why have I forgotten her? Someone like her... .
Her voice still trails on, a euphonious whisper of the nightingale.
["To be close with my beloved"]
["In love with you... ."]
["In love with you... ."]
In love with you.
I shift closer. She smiles. I wrap my left palm to cover hers. It .... feels right.
I am younger. She is a yin maiden.
She is probably just toying with me. But for the slightest chance of being hers, to have her as mine, I will bet my whole life and jump into this abyss.
["May in this life, we can be together forever."]
Her scent is intoxicating. I know her, I have forgotten the first time I met her, but ... I know her.
I only have to bow my head a little to clearly see her face. With how I am right now, I am not that much taller than her. Oh heavens, how I want to grow, I want to be strong so I can always keep her near, so I can always shield her from everything. So she will never ever leave my side.
For the first time, I hate that I have stagnated so long in my cultivation. What happened to my freakish talent?
Still, she smiles, and suddenly I have this hunger to taste those tormentingly enticing pair of lips.
I am so doomed.
"Lei," She purrs.
Did she just lay her head on my shoulder? Alright, I just hope my heart won't stop failing me anytime soon, because it sure feels like it.
She shifts away a little, and I feel indescribable loss. I want to pull her closer again, but she chuckles lightly and put her palm on my shoulder, resisting my greedy pulling arms. She looks into me again and repeats,
"May in this life, we can be together forever."
May in this life, may in the next life, may in forever... .
Dazed, I will myself to speak, my own voice sounding hoarse and helpless, "I will accompany you forever."
Yes. That is how it should be.
She widens her eyes, her soft fan-like eyelashes tremble, her pupils dilate with an indescribable warmth. Those lips part a little, as if she wants to say something. Her eyes bear into mine, seeking, probing for something. Perhaps the truth? Is there confusion and expectation in her eyes?
But all I can give her back, is everything of me. She can take it, she can use me, she can burn me.
"You... ," She put her head on my shoulder again. I cannot quite make out what she says next, but I feel dampness on my collarbone, where her head is resting. And how I ache and pull her tighter.
"You... remember."
The silent soft wind, the misty fogginess, and the rustle of leaves carry her sigh into my ears.
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Runexi's note:
I am back from the abyss that is called Novel Updates. I should stay away from online novels until this story isfinished. lol.
Say goodbye to teenage Lei. This will be the last time you read him.