TRIGGER WARNING. PLEASE BE GUIDED.
Chapter 22
All of them are wearing black clothes. All of them except for me.
With my white spaghetti dress, I silently walked and sat down. Tulala ako habang nakatingin sa unahan, nag-aambang tumulo ang mga luhang pinipilit kong pigilan.
Wala akong ginawa kundi tumitig lamang. I didn't care a thing about the world right now. Nibbling my lower lips, I tried to play Zechariah's voice inside of my head again.
"Leave your family, Stormie... if you really want to be happy. They're toxic to you. I know you're still young and would rather have them by your side but they are slowly killing you..."
I could remember, inside of my head, playing vividly, how I laughed at her ridiculous suggestion. I threw my head and chuckled weakly. Pinulot ko ang maliit na bato sa aking harapan at mahinang ibinato sa dagat sa aming harapan.
"Kung pwede pa lang..."
"Hayy! As much as I want to enjoy my youth, I want time to speed up for you..." nilingon ko si Zechariah. Even in the dark, her eyes glower with sheer determination and a little bit of mischief, just like her usual glow of eyes. Then she turned to me and grinned slightly. "I want to see you succeed in life and then you can kiss your family goodbye!"
Nakitawa nalang din ako. Heck, I swear her laugh is so contagious. I could laugh with her all day and I wouldn't mind it. Dinampot ni Zechariah ang bote ng alak na hindi ko pa nagagalaw at siya na mismo ang tumungga. Napailing ako. Alam niya sigurong wala akong balak inumin yun.
"Who knows? You could end up being a best-selling author in the future! Or run your own publishing house... you're very gifted in writing. I look forward to having you sign my copy of your book!"
Her words of inspiration remained inside of my head. Every time my mother reminds me how much of a failure I am simply because I'm writing, I try to remember Zechariah's words and how good it made me feel. That was one of the things that keep me going. The thing that made me want to write. A reader like her. My very own, Zechariah.
I'm sure I disappointed her a lot when I stopped writing.
But even so, she continued to support me in everything I do. Which made me feel really guilty by now...
Ako ba, nasuportahan siya?
"Stormie..."
Napatalon ako sa gulat nang namalayang may umupo na pala sa aking tabi. I turned and saw Philodemus darkly staring at me. He's in a black sweatshirt and pants. Kagaya ko ay malamlam din ang kaniyang mga mata at may eye bags din siya dala ng kakulangan sa tulog.
Worry and concern flashed in his eyes.
"You haven't slept." he said quietly, handing me a steaming paper cup of coffee.
I gratefully accepted it from him and smiled weakly. "I didn't?" I echoed.
"I'm worried..." seryoso niyang sinabi sa akin at hinawakan ang kamay ko. I stared at the brown liquid swirling inside the cup. "Stormie...?"
I sighed. "I'm fine, Philodemus..." then trailed off when I realized that I'm not. I shrugged. "Maybe not now... but I'm going to be fine."
Seryoso pa rin siyang nakatitig sa akin, nanantiya ang mga mata. His soulful eyes are staring at me. Philodemus look pained. Sumakit tuloy ang dibdib ko sa nakita.
He swallowed violently. "Ever since she died... you only cried once." bulong niya sa akin.
"Tinatatagan ko ang loob ko." nanginginig ang boses kong wika.
"Allen... Allen is devastated, too. We all are. But I'm really worried about you. You're doing it again... you're bottling up your emotions inside of you. I'm not worried if you'll explode on me. But I'm worried on what will happen to you if you bursts..."
I turned away. Hindi na kami nakikinig dalawa sa sinasabi ng pari at mahinang nag-uusap. Halos lahat ng batchmates namin noong high school pa kami ay narito. Madalas sa mga babae ay umiiyak samantalang ang mga lalaki naman ay mahinang nag-uusap rin sa isa't-isa. They're trying to reminisce how much of a good sport Zechariah is.
Dead people receives nothing but good words about their life. It's like when you die, people tend to forget all the ill things you've done before and only picked the good memories you left.
No one will ever dare to talk ill towards a person lying inside a coffin.
Huminga ako nang malalim. Unang tumayo si Allen. Sa nanginginig na mga kamay ay inihagis niya ang puting rosas para sa kaniyang nobya. It's going to be the last rose that he's going to give for her. Iniisip ko pa lang iyon ay nadudurog na ang puso ko.
Sumunod ako. When I walked, the tail of my dress danced around my ankles. The sheer fabric moved elegantly as I threw a bloody red rose towards her coffin.
"I'll see you again, Zec..." I whispered.
Naramdaman ko nalang ang malaking bulto ni Philodemus sa aking likuran. His hands snaked on my waist, pulling me closer as he threw a white rose to her coffin. Nang matapos kaming dalawa ay nagsisunuran na ang mga classmates namin noong high school. Ang iba'y hindi pa rin tumatahan sa kakaiyak.
I stayed for a little while even after the burial. Philodemus wrapped his hands around me and planted a kiss on my forehead.
"Do you want to go home?"
I nodded my head weakly. Iginiya niya ako sa kaniyang kotse. Philodemus cancelled the afterparty for the success of our Intramurals when the incident happened. The driver who hit Zechariah was drunk. He was put behind the bars immediately. I don't know what would happen to him. Part of me wants to blame him for killing Zechariah. I want him to spend the rest of his life in jail. But the other part of me wants the man's freedom. I'm sure he didn't want to kill anyone in the first place. Isang simpleng driver lang siya na lumabag sa batas at nag-drive kahit nakainom. May asawa't anak pa siya. I'm sure they will worry to death if the father doesn't come home to their house anytime sooner.
Habang naglalakad kaming dalawa ni Philodemus ay namataan ko ang isang heavy-tinted SUV sa di kalayuan. The driver climbed out of the car and opened the door. A few seconds later, the mayor stepped out with a grim look on his face, wearing his funeral tux.
My breathing hitched. Alam na kaya niya ang tungkol sa tunay niyang relasyon kay Zechariah? Is that why he's here? Because if he does, I am sure that the driver will never get out of jail. The mayor would make sure that he will rot in there. I know Mayor Tesorio. He's just as ruthless as my father.
Sinundan ko ng tingin habang naglalakad siya patungo sa bagong puntod ng kaniyang anak. Allen is still there. Kumunot ang noo niya nang makita ang Mayor. I watched them talk silently, and after a while, Allen nodded and walked away. Naiwan mag-isa ang mayor sa harap ng puntod ni Zechariah.
I guess he really knows now.
For days, I have been mourning for her loss. Halos hindi na ako makapag-function nang maayos dahil sa nangyari. I wake up late and arrive home late. Palagi nalang akong nasisigawan ni mommy sa tuwing nangyayari iyon. But the pain of losing Zechariah is far greater than the pain my mother is trying to inflict on me.
"I haven't seen the necklace for a while, Stormie." mother said one morning, while we were eating breakfast outside the house. It is a normal Saturday for us, and my father decided that we get some fresh air para na rin kay Abuelita. "Why are you not wearing it?"
Bigla akong kinabahan sa tanong niya. Lalo na nang pinaningkitan niya ako ng mga mata. She studied me suspiciously. I swallowed hard.
"N-Nakalimutan ko lang pong isuot..."
"Nakalimutan?" one of her perfect eyebrows shot up. "Nakalimutan o... nawala?"
Namutla ako sa sinabi ni mommy. Maging si Dad ay tumigil sa pagkain at tiningnan ako. Naagaw na naming lahat ang atensiyon. Abuelita flashed a worried look in her face. Napalunok ulit ako at napatungo.
"Stormie..." mother's voice was lethal now, as if she knew the answer already.
Tears blurred my vision because of extreme nervousness. Nanginginig kong binitawan ang tinidor na hawak.
"You lost it!?" mommy's voice rose. She is hysterical now.
"H-Hindi ko naman po sinasadya... I'm sure I just misplaced it... in my room or somewhere..." pumiyok ang boses ko at nag-unahan ang mga luha sa takot nang makitang pulang-pula na ang mukha ni mommy sa sobrang galit.
"Stormie!" ibinagsak ni Dad ang kaniyang baso sa lamesa. Dumagundong ang kaniyang boses sa buong hardin. "How could you lose it?!"
"You stupid girl! Don't you know that that heirloom necklace is the Roman's holy relic!" My mother shouted furiously at me. Even Shantel stopped eating. Her eyes widened in fear as she stared at me.
"I-I'm sorry..." hikbi ko.
"Wala ka talagang kwenta! You spite-filled anorexic brat! When would you stop disappointing this family?" even her lips quivered in extreme anger.
Iniwas ko ang tingin ko dail hindi ko kayang makipagtitigan sa galit na galit niyang mga mata.
"Even in your friends... you are an extreme disappointment! You bestfriend died because of you!"
"Leonora!" galit na saway sa kaniya ni Abuela.
My mother's eyes burned at me. She stared at me with extreme hatred and disgust... and frustration, too.
"Why? It's true, Mama! If this girl haven't forced Zechariah to come and watch her lose that pageant, she would've been alive by now!"
It was like a hard punch in the gut. I gasped for air as more tears sprung to my eyes. Naninikip ang dibdib ko sa sobrang pag-iyak. Shantel immediately rose from her seat and soothed my back. Niyakap niya ako habang ako nama'y halos manginig na sa sobrang pag-iyak.
"How could you say such spiteful words to your own daughter, Leonora?" maging si Abuela ay namumula na din ang mukha sa galit. "Are you really that desperate?"
Wala na akong maintindihan sa pinagtatalunan nila. Even Dad is mad. He did not even try to defend Abuelita from his wife. If anything, he showed to me how extremely disappointed he is with what happened.
"Let's get out of here..." Shantel whispered and led me out of the breakfast table. Hindi pa rin ako tumitigil sa pag-iyak hanggang sa iakyat niya ako sa kwarto ko. I curled up in my bed, crying hard. Ibinaon ko ang aking mukha sa unan.
"Stormie..." nag-aalalang wika ni Shantel.
"P-Please leave me alone..."
"Okay." She silently said. I heard her hesitant steps heading out of my bedroom, and then O heard the door closed.
Isinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa unan at mas lalong napaiyak.
This might be the first time that I have really cried since Zechariah passed away. Maybe Philodemus is right. I pretend to be strong but actually, all I'm ever doing is bottling emotions inside of me until I burst and damage everyone who surrounds me.
Pinilit kong kalmahin ang sarili ko kahit na nahihirapan. I clutched my chest tightly, gritted my teeth, and then exhaled.
Kinuha ko ang phone na nakapatong sa side ta ble at nag-dial. Mabagal pa rin ang paghinga ko habang hinihintay ang pagsagot ni Philodemus sa tawag.
"Stormie?" ang nag-aalala niyang boses ang kaagad kong narinig.
Imbes na kumalma ay napaiyak pa ako lalo. I pressed my fist against my mouth in an attempt to muffle the cries but I failed miserably. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko habang patuloy na umaagos ang mga luha.
"Fuck, baby... what's wrong?" He cursed on the other line.
I could feel my weight sinking in the bed. Para itong kumunoy na unti-unti akong hinihila pababa. Nang makaramdam ng takot ay kaagad akong tumayo at ipinahid ang namamawis kong mga palad sa bestidang suot.
"C-Can I come over?" Napapaos na tinig kong tanong sa kaniya.
"Of course, baby..." he said immediately and I heard muffled sounds from the background... car keys and footsteps. "I'll be outside the gate in 15."
Pinatay ko ang tawag at inayos muli ang sarili. Wala akong ibang dinala kundi ang sarili ko. Maging ang cellphone ay iniwan ko lang sa aking kama.
Medyo takot pa akong lumabas dahil maaaring nandun pa rin sa baba sina Mommy. Thankfully, everyone is gone. But I could hear the angry arguments of my parents behind the closed doors of my father's study.
One of the housemaids saw me leave the house but didn't say anything. Dali-dali akong lumabas at halos takbuhin na ang distansiya mula sa bahay patungo sa gate.
I was panting really hard when I saw Philodemus' usual red car. He glanced down at his phone and when he lifted his gaze on me, his long strides met me in the middle of the road. Kaagad akong yumakap sa kaniya at humikbi.
"Ssh..." he muttered and planted a kiss on my forehead. Para akong tutang nabasa sa ulan at nanginginig siyang niyakap pabalik. He led me to his car and even buckled the seatbelt for me.
Unti-unti na akong tumatahan habang gumagalaw ang sasakyan. Philodemus keeps on glancing at me worriedly. I bit my lower lips when I caught a glimpse of myself at the mirror. My eyes are red and puffy, and so is my nose. Suminghot ako at tuluyan nang tinahan ang sarili.
I began to calm down when I saw the beach from a distance. Nagulat pa ako nang makita ang muli'y hubad na itaas ni Rigor sa labas, mukhang kakagaling lang nito sa dagat. His wet jeans hung loosely on his hips. Nagdilim ang mukha ni Philodemus nang makita siya.
"You can leave, Rigor." He said coldly.
Rigor turned to me, then to Philodemus' possessive hands around my waist before he smirked.
"Gladly." He muttered and grabbed the towel. Nagtataka kong tiningnan si Philodemus, bahagyang nakakunot ang noo at medyo nahihiya dahil nakita niya pa ako sa ganitong ayos.
"He's my cousin." Was his only explanation. "Thyron's brother."
I nodded my head and then followed him inside. Itinuro ni Philodemus ang sofa na ngayo'y nakaharap na sa floor-to-ceiling na bintana.
"Maupo ka muna. I'll ready something for you."
I nodded and then went there silently. Pulling my knees to my chest, I rested and stared at the ocean. I loved how the tips of the waves glistened and sparkled when the sun rewards it with a kiss.
It is very relaxing.
Naririnig ko ang paggalaw ni Philodemus sa kusina. Mayamaya pa ay yabag niya naman na papalapit ang narinig ko. He dragged a small wooden round table and set a glass of milk on top.
"Drink." He commanded.
Mahina akong tumango at ininuman na nga ang gatas. It tasted bland in my bitter tongue. Philodemus sat next to me. When I placed the glass on the table again, he slowly unfolded my legs to stretched it out, before gently placing it on his lap.
Marahan niyang pinisil ang aking lantad na hita. Nanunuri ang kaniyang mga matang nakatingin sa akin.
"What happened?" He asked softly.
My lips quivered again, as I was reminded of my mother's sudden outburst earlier. I took a deep inhale and then expelled the air I gathered in my lungs before turning to him.
"My mom got mad that I lost the necklace."
I felt him stiffened for a bit. Seryoso niya akong tinitigan bago niya ipinasada ang kaniyang dila sa pang-ibabang labi.
"And..?" He asked slowly.
"She was very mad... called me names such as brat and an extreme disappointment. Even my Dad is upset that I lost the necklace he gave me..." I sighed painfully again. "Well, it is understandable. He probably thinks that I didn't care about the only thing he gave me."
Philodemus turned to the sea in front of us. Mas lalo pang nagseryoso ang mukha nito. For a brief moment, a pained look crossed his face before he turned to me.
"Don't listen to your mother. You are not a disappointment, Stormie."
I smiled bitterly. "You have to work harder to convince me that I'm not... because I know in my very self that I am..." biglang sumikip ang dibdib ko nang maalala ang nawalanb kaibigan. "Because of me, Zechariah..."
A series of sobs rose into my throat and soon I was crying really hard. Philodemus pulled me closer and soothed my back, whispering sweet nothings to my ears to help me calm down. He never let go of me the entire time I was crying. He just sat there and held me really, really tight.
Kagaya nang palaging nangyayari, nakatulog ako pagkatapos ng hindi maubos-ubos na pag-iyak.
When I woke up, I immediately shivered when I felt his hot breath on my neck. My tired eyes drifted to Philodemus, who is now sleeping peacefully next to me.
Ipinagsiksikan niya talaga ang malaking katawan sa maliit na sofa. Lampas pa ang mga paa nito sa haba ng mamahaling sofa. I moved a little and he stirred. Bahagyang humigpit ang kaniyang yakap sa akin.
Nang balingan ko ang bintana ay nakita kong papalubog na ang araw sa kalmadong dagat ng La Union. I sighed at the beautiful view. Even though I'm tired from all the crying and breaking down, I am still amazed by the magnificent sunset.
Gumalaw ulit ako at tuluyan nang nagising si Philodemus. He cracked one eye and lazily lifted his head to get a better view of me. He looks like a fallen Greek god who just woke up after centuries of deep slumber.
"Naiihi ako..." nahihiya kong wika sa kaniya.
The corners of his lips lifted up and he chuckled. Mabagal niyang inalis ang kaniyang kamay na nakapulupot sa akin at tumango. Pinakawalan niya din ang malalaki niyang paa na nakadantay sa akin.
"Be back immediately." He whispered huskily on my ears before finally letting me go.
Tumango ako at tumayo na. I padded towards his restroom and closed the door. I immediately peed and went to the sink.
Pinagmasdan ko ang aking sarili sa salamin. I cringed. How did Philodemus finds this ugly girl attractive? Paano niya ako natitiis bilang girlfriend niya?
I completely looks like a mess. Red, puffy eyes, chapped lips, dry skin, and messy hair... I'm an orc. Binasa ko ang pang-ibabang labi gamit ang dila at bayolenteng bumuntong-hininga.
My eyes dropped to his things on the sink. An aftershave cream, a razor, some beard oil, and a men's facewash.
Bumalik ang tingin ko sa razor. The tip of the blade glistened under the artificial lights of his bathroom. It glistened and it is tempting me... kumabog ang puso ko.
Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko, para sana alisin sa isipan ang binabalak gawin. But instead, the sharp voice of my mother rang inside of my head.
"Your bestfriend died because of you!"
I felt the surge of hot tears streaming down my face. Nanginig ang akong balikat habang pilit na nilulunon ang hagulhol na nag-aambang umakyat sa lalamunan. Napakapit ako sa sink habang ang isang kamay ay mahigpit na hawak ang razor.
Tumakas ang malakas na iyak sa bibig ko at dumagundong sa malaking bathroom. I cried for the loss of the first person who made me feel that I am worthy of love and opposed the idea of my mother that I am made up of disappointment.
I heard hurried footsteps from the outside. My other hand keeps on brushing the razor against my wrist with trembling fingers. Iyak pa rin ako nang iyak. For the first time, I felt like I have completely lost control of myself.
"Stormie!" Bayolenteng kinatok ni Philodemus ang pintuan. Patuloy pa rin ako sa pag-iyak. Halos magiba na niya ang doorknob sa lakas ng kaniyang pag-ikot dito upang buksan ang naka-lock na pintuan.
"Fuck, baby... open the door please!" He pleaded behind the door.
Nanginig ang buong katawan ko. I heard Philodemus cursed again. Tumahimik siya. Napatili nalang ako nang biglang magiba ang pintuan. His left leg was still on the air when I fearfully turned to him.
Nagdilim ang kaniyang mukha nang bumagsak ang tingin sa hawak kong razor. He took a step towards me and angrily snatched the razor.
"What the hell are you doing?"
My face crumpled as another batch of tears came running down. Iniling-iling ko ang aking ulo at pilit na inagaw sa kaniya pabalik ang hawak na razor.
"Just...just let me die..." hagulhol ko.
"Stormie..."
"I killed Zec! I killed Zec..." paulit-ulit kong anas.
Philodemus' face darkened. Niyugyog niya ang aking balikat.
"Stormie..."
"Just let me die..." I cried some more.
Nagulat ako nang bitawan niya ang akong mga balikat. He grabbed te razor again, lifted it to my face, and slit his wrist in front of me!
My mouth hung open as fear, for the first time since entering this bathroom, finally invaded my chest. His face momentarily clenched in pain as blood escaped from his pulsating wound, traveled the length of his arms, dripped on his elbows before the droplets hit the floor.
"You want to hurt yourself?" Umigting ang panga niya sa matinding galit habang ang kaliwang kamay na napupuno na ng dugo ay nanginginig pa ring nakataas. "Don't be so selfish! What do you think would I feel? I'd rather hurt myself right now than bear the emotional pain of seeing you like this..."
Realization slapped me hard on the face. Nakaramdam ako ng matinding takot. Nawala ang aking kumpyansa kanina na hindi ako takot masaktab. Ngayon ay halos hindi ko na matingnan ang razor dahil sa ginawa ni Philodemus.
He made me human again by injecting fear to my brain, just like what I am supposed to feel.
"Oh my God..." natutop ko ang akong bibig nang matauhan. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry..." malakas akong umiyak at niyakap siya, nanginginig ang buong katawan.
"Promise me you won't hurt yourself again..." he said in a tiny whisper.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." paulit-ulit kong wika.
"Baby, I need you to promise me..."
Mas lalo pa akong naiyak. I know I will never love another man again in my life as intense as what I am feeling for him.
"I-I promise..." I said in a broken voice and cried harder.