I settled down at the concrete sidewalk, my shoes rubbing against the rough road as cars drove by. I wasn't scared that some car was going to run over my toes, because knowing my quick reflexes, I manage to jump back in time before that even runs a chance.
The shop's door behind me runs a bell, announcing an entrance or an exit. I take it as the exit, as soon enough, Jaycee falls in beside me, handing me a drink. It was hot chocolate, something she knew I love, while she took upon herself for coffee.
"We won, Francena," Jaycee acknowledged, as she secure her toes on the roadway like I am. "You did good."
"I lost my position," I declare, "I went too early—I got DQ."
We just had our swim meet this morning, and I had managed to get myself disqualified on the entire meet because of a failed mistake. I lost but the team came back stronger, and won. We got first place—without any help from me.
Jaycee doesn't say anything, stirring the drink in her hands as she takes a sip of the hot liquid. I look out into the skyline, finding the skies blurred with bittered weather and dark clouds. Settled close to the city, Jaycee took upon herself to drive me to get a drink. Hoping it would make me feel better.
"You weren't focused," Jaycee announces, making me split away my mindless staring and look to the side of her face, her eyes staring ahead. "I noticed it. You struggled with your goggles and then when they placed their lips on the whistle, you went for it. You were distracted."
I didn't say anything. I look down to the concrete, not finding myself able to meet Jaycee's eyes. Pebbles sprayed the white sidewalks, with weeds spraying out of corners.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I don't answer.
"Francena, you're like a sister to me. You can trust me."
I sigh, exhaling sharply. "Julian told me he was in love with me the other night." I said slowly, finding myself looking up to meet Jaycee's widen eyes. "He was drunk, he called me at three am, and confessed."
"What... what did my brother say?"
"He said he was in love with me," I sigh, "and said he needed Tasha. He wanted me to choose for him what to do, and he'll do it but I can't. I can't make his decisions for him."
"Why couldn't you?"
"Because Tasha's perfect!" I nearly shouted, finding another pent-up emotion built up. I soften at the looks of Jaycee. "She's just perfect. For him, as a being. He even admit it himself, he needs Tasha to live. He can't live without her."
"But didn't–isn't there a phrase that said if you love two people, pick the second one. Because if you love the first one, you wouldn't have fell for the second one?"
I scoff, shaking my head, "this is real life, Jaycee. This isn't some fairy-tale ending with the quote pinned on boards. You fall for whoever you fall for, and whoever you choose is whoever you really want. It doesn't matter." I said softly, taking a sip of my hot chocolate. "He chose Tasha and–and—"
"And?"
"And I love him," I finally admit, vocalising the words out loud. I've always told that I've in love with Julian, but I've never spoke the words out to the full extend. It felt scary, and terrifying, knowing that he'll never hear it. "If Tasha is who he's happiest with, I can't say anything. I'm not going to destroy that."
Jaycee is silent, pressing her drink against her lips as she returns her glaze to the front. "Why do you put yourself through this?" Jaycee mumbles, "I know you love Julian, but why do you even like him to begin with?"
I smile sadly, "It happened in sixth grade." I declare, "when I was in sixth grade, I wasn't so outspoken. I was emotional, so I kept myself reserved." I clear my throat, drawing back the memory. "I made it clear before that I didn't have a mom, and I've explained before why. These kids, I think they were a grade older than me, decided to come and pick on me for it. They teased, and teased me about not having a mother. They kept saying some crap like how my mom didn't love me, how she left because of the way I am—I was too secured in myself, I was too much of a teacher's pet. They picked on me until I cried."
"Julian, I don't know how, came through all of that and defended me. He was smaller then, even smaller than me, but he came and pushed those guys out. He yelled, screamed a bit, before managing to make those guys leave. I thanked him and he helped me stop crying. He kept telling puns to make me stop crying, and it worked. I think that's when I started to like him."
Jaycee bit her lip, "he never told me that."
I chuckle, "of course he didn't. I don't even think he remembered, but I made him promise he wouldn't tell. He was just that kid, that kid that was always the kindest. It worked in his charm."
"And... how long?"
"Three years. Before Tasha came in, and managed to capture his heart. We were decent friends; but we had our own clique. I had Iris and Graham—" the look on Jaycee's eyes shifted, and she looked away. I replayed my words, finding Graham at the tip of my tongue. I bite my tongue, "what happened to you guys?"
"What?"
"You and Graham," I explained, and her eyes found the road ahead. "Why did you break it off?"
She sighs, heavily as she place the cup of coffee besides her. "I thought I liked Graham, I really did. I like how he was really sweet, very considerate of you and everything in between, but I don't know, it vanished. I didn't feel anything after the first couple of dates and when he told me that you kissed him—"
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Jaycee holds out a hand, "I'm actually glad—relief that you did. When he told me you kissed him, especially when we were close to dating, I didn't feel anything. I wasn't mad, I wasn't sad or jealous. I was just, there. From what my brother told me, love was meant to be all of these emotions channel through your love. The bad and the good—I had neither. I just knew that I couldn't lead Graham on anymore, and well, I had to break it off with him."
I nod, biting my lip. "Who was your brother talking about?"
Jaycee offered a smile, "you."
"Serious? Or was it Tasha?"
"Not everything relates back to Tasha, Francena."
"It sure seems like it," I explained, looking away from Jaycee as I stare back down to my hot chocolate. It was getting colder, and I haven't been drinking. "Somehow, somewhere, we always come back to her."
"You know, if I get to choose who Julian ends up with—Tasha or you, I would've pick you."
I chuckle, "you only say that because you like me better."
"Maybe," she smiles, "or maybe, it's because you are just a better candidate. You make him happy."
"He needs her."
"But he loves you."
I went cold after her words, running my finger across the lid of the hot chocolate. "I love him."
"He loves you." She repeats.
"Why can't we be together then?" I ask, meeting Jaycee's big eyes once more. She simply shrugs, taking the coffee besides her and bringing it to her lips.
"I don't know," she explains, "but it should've. It should've been you. You and Julian."