brmangundah this is for you. ❤️.
"Rei, it's time for dinner."
"I'm not hungry," I declare, wrapping the blanket around my body as I stare my laptop screen. Some movie I clicked off of Netflix was playing—something to take me out of my thoughts and focus on a created reality where love really exists.
"Rei," Kenji announces again, his hand gripping on the doorknob as he stares at me. "Are you okay?"
I didn't answer, I was tired of answering that question. Instead, I stare the moving pictures in front of me as the girl was being swayed by the popular and good-looking guy. Unrealistic.
My brother didn't say anything, but instead sat at the edge of my bed; his weight sinking into the mattress as the side of me dipped. I turn, my eyes following my brother who wordlessly crossed his legs across my bed, waiting.
I paused the movie, staring at my brother as he returns the glaze. He didn't say anything, and neither did I.
"What do you want?" I ask, shoving the laptop off of my lap and onto the bed. I pull down the blanket thrown over my head.
"Nothing," my brother chirps, his elbow propped against his thigh as he waited. Staring.
"That's really annoying, y'know?" I said, irritated by my brother's lack of words for me. He doesn't respond, and blinks. Staring. "Ji."
My brother doesn't respond, and suddenly I felt concerned for him. I didn't know what was going through that head of his—but based on his previous creativities and knowledge, I was doubting it played in favour. "Stop it, Ji, you're making me worried."
My brother broke his emotionless face into a soft smile, "that's how I feel."
Oh, fuck.
"I walked right into that one, didn't I?" I query, a small smile making its way to my lips as my brother's trick. He nods wordlessly, shifting himself onto the bed with the available space and took my hand into his smaller one.
"You good?" He asks again, concern dwelling in his words.
I sigh, "no," I answered. "Life is fucking me over and I'm so tired of it," I didn't say I'm angry, upset or sad. I was just... empty. "Nothing every goes right for me."
"Do you want me to decode your poetry or are you gonna explain that?" I punch my brother on the shoulder from his comment, but not too hard since he managed to get a chuckle to escape my lips.
"Julian went back to his ex—literally seconds after almost asking me out. Tasha, his ex, came from no where. Turns out, Tasha was called by Graham to come back." I revisit the events and frown. "My best friend is the reason this is all happening now, and the guy I'm in love with—doesn't like me as much as I thought he did."
Kenji parted his lips, staring at me with befuddlement. "You're–you're in love with Julian?"
I look away from my brother and played with the sheets of my bed; pulling up the materials, I said softly, "yeah."
"Holy shit—when I said you were in love with him back at the diner, I was joking—I didn't think it was–I didn't know–fuck," my brother swore, mumbling something under Japanese in his tongue. I smile, happy that my brother is using our native language.
"I think I was falling for him then, but, I didn't realise it until he came over. When mom came home, I cried till I was out of tears. Julian came to my house—despite being mad at me—and comfort me till I calm. He didn't leave until I had told him to. I think that was when I knew." I explain, smiling fondly at the memory. A couple of weeks ago, it seem like ages ago.
"Wow," my brother leans back, falling onto my bed as his eyes found the ceiling. "I didn't think love was going to be this hard."
I chuckle, at the irony. I continue to play with the creases and wrinkles of my sheets, pulling and tucking them back into place. "Are you going to give up on him?"
I look up, finding the question had caught me off-guard and found my brother propping himself on his elbows, staring at me. He's waiting for the answer, an answer I'm not so certain on.
"I don't–I don't know," I said after a few moments, "am I supposed to?"
"I don't know, I've never been in love." He counter, and I frown.
"I mean, look at the relationship mom and dad has—is my relationship with Julian like that? So much problems but refusal to leave one another? I mean, is dad me?"
My brother look thoughtful at my words for a moment, and he shakes his head. "Dad and mom are two different stories than you and Julian. From what I'm told, mom left dad at lowest point of his life. While with you and Julian—he came to you at the lowest of yours—when mom came back. Your and Julian's relationship is about supporting; mom and dad's is..." Kenji snaps his finger, trying to come up with the word.
"Toxic?" I finished and he nods, snapping his fingers one last time before pointing to me.
"That's the word," he nods. "Your relationship isn't toxic. At least, from what I'm seeing."
"I know, Ji, but think of it—we've been so much shit, so much trouble, doesn't that mean something?" I'm finding myself rewording Graham, and the thought of him alone made me sad.
"I want to remind you that you're talking to a fourteen-year old with no experiences in love," my brother looks me into the eyes, and I smile at his words. "But, with that being said, I've watched a lot of sobo's drama with her so—I think, with everything, love is supposed to be difficult. How difficult, I don't know, but I know that love isn't going to magically appear to you and you're expected a happy ending. Yeah, Julian and you've been through some shit, and now you're asking if you should leave when the better question is: why haven't you already?"
I remain silent at his words, staring at my brother as he begins to use his hand gestures to explain. "Look. You've been through what? Three shitty obstacles with him, right? Why is it at this point where you're asking me if you should leave? What's stopping you?"
I can't answer him.
"I think, in some part of you, doesn't want to leave—at least not yet. I think, with everything going on, you want clarify before you want to give up. I mean, I know you sis, you aren't the type to give up until you're 100% sure there's nothing else to be done." My brother hooks his hand on my shoulder, "I don't want you to give up on Julian, in my point of view at least. In this shitty world where mom comes back, where our parents are fighting for who has custody over me, and in the world where we might have the chance of being separate, I don't want you to lose a happiness of yours. I've seen you with him, Rei; you smile, you're happy. I know everything is in complete shambles right now, but just don't give up on him."
He sighs, sucking in a breath, "cause in return, he did the same for you."
—
INSTA-GRAHAM 📱
3:43PM
Graham:
Francena I'm sorry
Graham:
Francena please answer the phone
Graham:
Can we talk, please?
Graham:
Please, francena
Graham:
I want to explain myself first
Then if you don't believe me, go on and hate me
Graham:
I was only trying to look out for you
Graham:
Francena
Graham:
Francena please
Graham:
Francena, I don't want to lose you
Graham:
Please.
Graham:
Please.
Graham:
Francena
Graham:
Please answer the phone
Read at 1:01AM
I have over a hundred messages from Graham, spamming my phone at my refusal to look over them. I knew once I did, Graham would be begging and knowing him for as long as I do now—I could hear his voice through the screen.
And I was right, staring at the last final words of his texts, he cuts himself short around seven—where he realised I wasn't going to answer. I stare at the white cell phone screen before closing the app. I stare at the ceiling in front of me.
Everyone was asleep, but I wasn't.
Kenji slept in my room, laying next to me as his lips parted and snores escaped his lips. His eyes shut close, as he was taking up a two third of my bed. He asked to sleep with me once more and who was I to refuse my little brother?
We were supposed to fall asleep together—after sneaking dinner leftover from the dinner we didn't attend, we headed to my room and hoped that we would fall asleep with one another.
Kenji fell before I did—and I'm left staring at the ceiling.
I recall staring at Julian's, the stars tainting his blank ceiling like a canvas sprayed. I've never asked, but I concluded that it must've been because Julian wanted to count the stars; with the help and guide of the solar system, maybe something, somewhere would drag him asleep.
I remove the sheets off my body, dragging my feet down to the first floor as the wood creaks under my weight. I never imagined the world would be this quiet at one; the voice of my own carried the wave of sounds, the weight of my movement creaked under every pressure with the lights penetrating under the dark sky.
I walk down to the kitchen, having heard that warm milk helped cure the inability to sleep—and decided for it. I stir myself a cup of milk, moved it into the microwave and waited as the timer counts down.
Ding.
I checked the time one more; finding it a little over one thirty in the morning.
Ding.
I exit out of the kitchen and begins walking down to the front door, discreet as I was cautious around opening the door to someone ringing my doorbell at one am. I came closer, peeping through the window before spotting the familiar BMW.
Ding.
I pulled the door open, revealing Graham huddled down at the doorbell, about to abuse the button once more. He looks up, finding me in the middle of the doorway as he seems shocked that I opened to the door.
"What do you want?" I sneered, finding anger filling into my soul at the look of my best friend.
He bites his lower lip, staring, "I'm sorry." He goes in first, allowing that to be his first sentence. "And I know you hate bullshit behind apologises—"
"I do," I answered, cutting his sentence off short. He stares, deflated as he lets out a deep sigh.
"Can we talk? Or can I at least explain myself for my actions?"
"Is it bullshit like everyone seems to make or—"
"I didn't do it because I didn't want you to be happy," he cuts in short, wiping his eyes. I was taken in more of his appearance, as his eyes seem more glossy than usual and dopily. "I swear."
"Then why do it, Graham?" I snapped, "why call Tasha back home when Julian and me were getting along? Why are you even here right now, explaining yourself?"
He bites his lip, and a tear falls down his cheek. In a hushed voice, he answers, "because, before Tara made the decision to become apart of my life again—you were my family. You and Rose. You were the only family I have. You were the only one who cared about me, and love me despite all of me, first. I didn't want to lose my family."
He didn't meet my eye, looking down at his feet as he shifted his weight onto the other leg. I sigh, biting my cheek as I step out of the house, closing the door behind me.
Graham stepped back, and I cross my arms. "Why did you do it, Rivera?"
Graham pulled me, almost like I had hit him and that it stings. His eyes locked on mine and he pouts, "please, don't call me that."
I clench my jaw, but nod, "sorry." I apologises.
He looks back down at his feet, finding interested in the wooden porch as he shifts his feet along the panels. "Why did you do it, Graham?"
He lets out a deep sigh, and green eyes found itself back in front of mine. "Dean kept fucking up. That's was the whole reason." He explained, and as I parted my lips to ask for him to further explain, he cuts me off, "when he used Erin, twice, and it hurt you, I immediately didn't like him. I could let it slide once—barely—but when he did it the second time in spite of you, that's what drew the line. I hated that he kept fucking up, and the fact that you would somehow managed to forgive him each time. I understand that you liked him, and that could've been what allowed things to slide so easily—but I didn't. I saw him for what he did, and what he did only."
"I guess it was a bit selfish, seeing him in such a negative light. But truth be given, I haven't seen him like this before—I saw it after everything happened." Graham sighs, running a hand through his hair, "I didn't do anything at first. Just waited, watching. I look after you, and look out for him. I didn't try anything or even made contact with Tasha, till–till..."
"Till what?"
"Dean and you kissed on the beach." Graham finishes and I stare. "It was happening, in a sense, you would be getting together with this guy who I don't even think deserves you. I was upset, so, I left the hotel room and found Tasha through social media. I called her, explaining to her that Julian is still into her and he would give her a chance if she came back here."
That's where it drew the line, and I place my hand on the doorknob. I clenched my jaw, about to re-enter the house when Graham grabs my wrist. "You didn't let me finish."
"Isn't that the whole story?"
Graham shakes his head, his golden brown hair falling down his to his brows. "No, it's not." He answers and I pull back, closing the door as I waited for him to continue.
"Go."
He sighs, "It seems bad, I know, but I wanted to see what Dean would honestly do. You said he was still in love with Tasha, but he was falling for you—so what was it? I wanted Tasha to come here and wanted, honestly, for Dean to pick you; somehow choose you over the girl. If he did, it prove to me that he is different. He did change." Graham frowns. "But he didn't. He went to Tasha, after confessing to you that he likes you. I know you blame me for everything happening, but he deserves some of the credit too."
"It doesn't make up for what you did—"
"—I know it doesn't; I take all of the blame if I have to." Graham quickly dissolves, taking my hand in his. "But you have to admit, I'm not the only one at fault. Dean should've chose you; he should've said no to Tasha either way if he was truly over her. I know you love him, and I know you can blame me for all you want but at least you can see where you are. At least you know where you stand in his mind—when placed in a situation no one wanted to be in."
I don't say anything, taking in his words.
"Tell me, Francena," he said, lowering himself to my level. "Tell me that you hate me and you want me to leave; I'll understand. It wasn't my right to do such an experiment but I can't change it now. I wanted you to see and I wanted to see what Dean would do. I'm sorry, I truly am, so tell me to fuck off and I will. If this is the end of our friendship, if you truly believe I can't do anything to forgive this, I will understand. As much as it would hurt me, I respect it. Just give me the word."
I look stare into his green eyes; optimist but doubtful at my impending answer.
I reviewed everything in my head and his words echoed through my mind. I knew what he did was wrong, and he shouldn't have placed himself in the situation where he did an experiment in portrays for my love life. However, he did, and it revealed more than words simply could. The action revealed more than words could have. Actions over words.
Actions over words.
"Home is an hour drive, right?" I ask, looking into Graham's green eyes and he gulps, nodding. "Well, I think for the benefit of the road, you driving at near two am isn't the best idea so... do you want to stay the night?"
The biggest smile graced his lips and he pull on my hand, colliding myself into his chest as he nods; his chin brushing against my head. "Thank you."
"Just next time," I declare, still holding the embrace, "talk to me about it first. Let me think through the idea before doing it yourself."
Graham chuckles, "you say it like there's going to be a next time."