I sat across the room from Julian during first hour.
He was accompanied by, of course, Tasha; with her hanging her arms around him. Nine out of the ten times I've seen them together, Tasha has hooked her arms around in a way to portray to the rest of the world that Julian is hers; Julian is taken.
I would be lying if I didn't felt a wave of sorrow that crossed me through the day just by a glance of their direction. I contemplated switching classes out of his but I'm reminded by two things: he's having more of an effect on me than I should be letting on, and I shouldn't let a boy dictated what education I should be getting.
Mr Patterson is explaining something about forensics and I tried hard to concentrate on the man's words without feeling the need to zone out and stare. I knew Mr Patterson would target me once I do so—having been the one to call his ass out a little too often, he would gladly return the favour.
I wrote down Mr Patterson's exact words; my handwriting coming out scrambles and messy as his words falls out faster and stronger. He takes a break to switch slides, allowing us to have a glimpse of the information before beginning to go in dept.
"Now class," Mr Patterson finishes off, closing off the PowerPoint as he turns back to us. His eyes scanning over us for a moment before landing on me, "Miss Nakamura, you seem quiet today."
I gulp, finding the attention drawn back onto me. My classmates begins to follow their multi-coloured eyes over to my figure as I felt one I've been ignoring. Julian is staring from the corner of my eye, and his eyes intensity on me, trying to grab my attention.
"Nothing to say, sir," I declare, playing with the chain of my necklace.
"That's new," Mr Patterson concludes, "is everything alright?"
I was taken back from his words, having never heard him ask about my wellbeing. I thought, being the most one to criticise his teaching style and his favourism, he would care less about what's going on with me.
I nod, hesitant at first before nodding again. "Yes sir, I'm fine."
"That's good," he hums, "I need someone to talk back to me once and a while—the classroom gets very dry when you're quiet."
That made me smile, and I nod again, "will do."
The bell rings and Mr Patterson gathers himself off of the desk and behind it. He opens and exits about an online assignment due by next class period and that we should be studying up for our finals coming soon. I shove my notebook into my backpack, slinging the book over my shoulders as I begin to walk towards the door.
"Francena..." I recognise the voice immediately, and turn to see Julian in front of me. "We need to talk—"
"Babe!" Tasha grabs a hold of Julian and pulls him away from me, towards the teacher as Tasha begins to dig into a series of question regarding her education courses and finals. I follow my eyes to them, as Tasha holds Julian besides her and Julian sending me a pleading look.
I haven't been replying back to his texts or calls. I've been ignoring all of them.
I shifted my expression into a passive look, not revealing anything behind my features nor my eyes—which holds the most emotions of them all. I turn away, heading to my next class as I felt another pang of pain through my chest.
—
"—I still can't believe it," Iris announces, after revealing that she owns a class with Julian and Tasha. "I mean, who goes back to their ex-girlfriend on first instant?"
I remain quiet, examining my fingernails to drag me away from my thoughts. I focus on the cuticles, the nail bed itself and trying to find interesting into something mundane as my hands. I have one, two, three, four, five—
"Francena." Iris calls out, waving a hand in front of me to snap me out of my examination. I drop my hand by my side, spotting my best friends' brown eyes and offer a dazed look. "You alright? You've been quiet."
"Yeah–yeah, I'm fine," I announce, nodding my head.
No, I'm not. I'm screaming on the inside, wanting to cry so badly right now at the turns of events. I want to just waddle at home and wrap myself in a burrito blanket. I'm lying. Don't listen to me.
"Every girl knows that I'm fine doesn't mean I'm fine—especially when placed in a situation like this." Iris muses, placing a hand on her hips as Graham appears and place his tray right next to me. Gabriel no where to be seen. "You know you can let it out, right?"
"I know," my voice small, "I'm just kinda processing. I mean, there's nothing I can do, right?" I offer up a smile, hoping that would tame away the curious eyes from my best friend. However, the smile meant to bring a small secure of happiness for me, I only wanted to cry even more.
"Francena..."
"It's okay," I shake my head, wiping out the stray tear threatening to fall from my eyes. "God, I'm always the centre of focus. Let's not talk about me right now; how are things going between Erin and you?"
Iris blushes. Graham and I've had since confronted Iris about her lover on the shadows. She explained that Erin wanted to keep it a secret before she outs herself to her parents, so Iris agreed. She wanted to tell us, she said, but she also wanted to keep her word to Erin.
"It's good," Iris said, eyes still focus on me as she remains uncertain about talking about her love life when her best friend is going through an issue. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, yeah," I nod, wanting to get my mind off of him. "Tell me all about your love life. Don't think about me."
"Alright," she said, eyes still holding mine before she begins to dig into a story. "Everything is good, but Erin is a bit of a jealous-type. I'm trying to ask her to become better with that, I'm not comfortable with things like that."
"At least you guys are working it out," I said, smiling. Faker.
"Yeah," Iris nods, "we're going to a date tonight. I think we're going to somewhere in the city, I don't know, Erin planned today."
I nod, not replying as Iris digs into another story that she's been holding in for a long time. It was of how they met, and how it became to be like this. She mentioned Julian, and about Julian bringing Erin to Kenji's party, but only to stop herself cold when she notice the look in my eyes. I guess I can hold in emotions better than I thought, but I can't stop them from showing elsewhere.
Iris looks down at her phone, finishing her story when she reads the text and smiles. She turns back to us, "I gotta go, Erin just texted me. I'll see y'all later." She packs her lunch and with a gesture of goodbye, she exits out of the cafeteria as I return to staring back to the table.
"Francena..." Graham's voice, dipped in concern as I look up to meet my best friend. I offer him a smile, knowing very well it didn't meet my eye. "You're not okay."
I didn't say anything, not feeling the use in lying when Graham can read me the best. "I'm coming over tonight, alright—and don't even try to say you're alright and I don't need to—I'm going. See you at six."
With that, Graham picks up his tray and drop it into the trash can. He walks out of the cafeteria, with just the bell ringing on time of his dramatic exit. Despite my best friend being a pain in the ass sometimes, I'm glad I have him.
—
True on the dot.
Graham appeared at my doorsteps at five fifty-nine, a minute from our designated time. He brought things with him; ice creams, a large blanket and Japanese food from my favourite store downtown.
It was silent as we watched the movie, with the blanket shared between the two of us and a carton of ice cream in each of our hands, we stared at the TV screen in silence as flashes of colours occurred and action sequences commenced on the blurred image.
"Spit," Graham said after half-way completed with our movie, and I'm almost finished with my ice cream. I look up from the nearly emptied carton, I found green eyes on me as they waited patiently.
"There's nothing to talk about, I've already told you it all," I said, taking another bite out of the ice cream. I turn away from him, returning my glaze back on the TV screen.
"Bullshit," he said, "you've told me the story but you've never told how you felt. Francena, stop bottling it in—let it out—"
"That's cute coming from you," I snapped, my eyes turned back to my best friend as he remains on an impassive expression. "You bottle your feelings the most and you're telling me to let it out."
Graham doesn't reply and I retrace back to my words, I frown, and apologetic emotions flush through my system. I soften my eyes at Graham, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you—"
"No, it's okay," he holds out his hand, "that means you're feeling something. I know it's not at me."
I sigh, sucking in a breath as I gather my thoughts. I look away from my best friend, looking down at the pint as I bit my lip. "If I'm going to talk about it, I'm going to start crying," I mumble under my breath. I didn't know if Graham heard. "And when I cry, I don't think I'm going to stop."
"Fine," Graham pulls the blanket off of his body as he pulls himself up into a standing position. I look up, finding my best friend holding out his hand. "Let's take this to your room, then."
"Graham, you're not supposed to be there—"
"Obviously you don't feel comfortable out here—in the open. If that's the case, your room is the only place you're going to pour your feelings in—then so be it. I'll risk getting kicked out of your house and possibly banned if I need to, I don't care. Come on." He waited, his hand waiting for mine to take.
I shakily hold my hand over his, before Graham close in our distance and pull me up from my seat. I securely place the ice cream on the coffee table as he pulls me up to my bedroom, knowing the ropes of my secondary level.
He pulls me into my room, shutting the door behind him as he looks at me expectantly. I shrug my shoulders. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
I sigh, eyes looking everywhere except for Graham. "I'm... I'm in love with Julian." I started slowly, my eyes search for the floor, "and Julian chose Tasha. Again." I suck in a breath as it flashback the exact moment. I relive it, and now my chest clenched. "I'm hurt by the fact that Julian was about to choose me, and then she comes and the option became clear."
"He is in love with her, and I was so stupid to think that maybe he could've moved on from that. I thought, again, I had a chance. I really thought we could've be it this time," I suck in another breath, my eyes beginning to grow watery. "Then he chose her, and it hurts, Graham. It fucking hurts," I place a hand on my chest, right above my heart. "I feel so dumb, Graham. I don't even want to talk about it anymore because he's hurting me more than he knows."
Tears falling down my cheeks as I look up and found my best friend's green ones. "I hate myself, Graham. I hate myself that I fell for him and I hate myself that I can't do anything right now. I'm hopeless, I'm an idiot, I am only a second choice—to everyone!"
Graham grows closer; droplets streaming down my cheeks as I release all of my held emotions. Graham wraps his arm around me and holding the back of my head for support as I dig into the nook of his shoulder, his other arm holding securely on my back.
Graham didn't say anything as I wrap my arms right around Graham; sobbing continuously into his shoulder as the same thought—same words comes to my head.
Julian chose her.
I'm the second choice.
Like always.
—
"Jaycee broke off with me," Graham said, running his hand to my back. I look up to him, finding him looking straight ahead. A tight expression passed through him.
"Why?" I ask, a hiccup raised from my throat as I remain my eyes on my best friend. Currently, we're situated in front of my bed as we used it for a back support. Graham's arm wrapped around my shoulder, and I'm leaning into Graham's side for comfort. Our legs crossed in front of us, as we stood in mainly silence.
"She didn't tell me," Graham said. It's now ten pm, and Graham refuses to go home. He didn't want to, not unless he knew I let out everything I needed to let out and not until I go to sleep—without crying.
"Was it... was it because of me?" I queried, remembering the moment where I asked Graham to kiss me in order to ignore Julian. I knew Graham told Jaycee, he told me he would.
Graham shakes his head, "she didn't mentioned it. I don't think so." He answers, his eyes focus ahead as they begin to shift and look down to mine, meeting mine with a sad smile. "It's okay. I'm okay with it."
I look away, finding the interest in what was straight ahead for me as well. Although, nothing but my desk and my bookshelf next to it, I found nothing entertaining enough to clear my attention. I lean my head against Graham's shoulder. "Why couldn't we fall for each other? Why did we had to go through these stupid heartbreaks? Why did I had to like Julian instead of you?"
Graham was silence as he concocted his thoughts. I didn't expect him to answer, only wanting to voice my thoughts at our situation.
"We love each other, but we've never been in love with one another. Sometimes life plays us like that—the person that would be great for you, just isn't meant to be with you."