DESPITE ITS NAME, Lakeside Motel is nowhere near the water. The late-afternoon humidity simmers off the asphalt and practically boils my skin. I fight the voice inside me that says screw this, go home.
I'm not afraid to face Dad again. But I am afraid of how I'll feel when I do.
Well I didn't come all this way for nothing. The room number—104—shifts out of place when I knock on the door. On the other side, Dad shouts, "I didn't order nothin'!"
"Dad, it's me."
After a bang, crash, and a few muttered shits, he whips it open. Brown hair is matted on his head, and the stench of booze leaks from the motel room.
"Baby! Shit, you're here!"
I push past him. Empty beer cans litter the nightstand, and tacky orange wallpaper peels off the walls. His guitar is thrown over the unmade bed. "Looks like you've made yourself at home."
"Yep, well a man's gotta settle down somewhere."
"That's not funny."
"Sorry."
I can't stand looking at him, so I sit on the edge of the bed and cross my arms, focusing on my lap like a child. Even though I'm the one who showed up unannounced, I wait for him to say something.
"Shit, all right." Dad grabs a chair and sits in front of me. "Look, Jillie, I know you don't wanna hear it, but I need you to understand. Leavin' you and your mom was the hardest decision I ever made."
My bottom lip trembles. "You didn't even say bye to me."
"I couldn't. If I did, it would've been too hard to go."
"You always think about yourself first."
Dad clasps his hands together and nods. "Yeah, you're probably right. But would it really have been easier on you if I'd told you hey kid, I'm leavin'?"
"I guess we'll never know, will we?"
Silence seeps into the room, suffocates both of us. Dad ruffles his hair.
"I was a damn coward for leavin' you like that," he says, "and it's haunted me ever since. I really thought the best thing I could do for you was just disappear. Seemed like all I did was cause you and your mom trouble, so I got rid of the issue: me. I don't expect you to get that."
"It's not that I don't get it, Dad. I do. But it doesn't matter why you left. The only thing that matters to me is that you left. Period. That's what I want you to understand."
"Okay, baby. You're right. I messed up big. You don't ever gotta forgive me. But why'd you come see me?"
I stand and pace the room, stepping over a guitar case and a bundle of laundry. Dad follows, and I throw my arms up. "Because I'm tired, Dad. I'm tired of thinking about you. In a way, I'm glad you came back. It's five years late—but at least now, we can say goodbye to each other."
Dad's eyes gloss over. Dull stubble lines his square-shaped jaw. When I was a kid, it used to be the richest brown. "Doesn't have to be goodbye, baby. Maybe we can get to know each other again. A fresh start. I can get to know the new you, and you can get to know the new me. What do you say?"
I'm slipping, imagining what it'd be like if I did give him another shot. If I accepted him for who he is—a piece of crap addict who abandons the people he loves—instead of trying to forget he ever existed. We could play guitar together. He could teach me how to do a killer riff on the electric, something I haven't attempted since before he left. I gave up on anything rock, anything heavy. I drowned all the things about myself that made me his daughter.
But in the end, no matter who he is, he's still my dad. I always knew he was messed up, but I looked up to him. To his music, his talent. I loved him.
Now I don't know what to feel.
My phone vibrates from the back pocket of my jeans, and I pull it out.
Carson: Still on for the beach tn?
I sigh and face Dad. "Look, I gotta go. Just, stay away from Dee's this Sunday, okay? We've got a caseworker coming and we don't need the drama."
"Jillie, wait. Does this mean we're good? We can move forward?"
I stop at the door. "I don't know, Dad. But it's a start."
***
Carson and I get to the beach late. I spent an hour ranting to him about Dad in the car, and he listened to me the whole time. But now I have to keep it together. We both booked tonight off to hang out with Shae and whoever, so hopefully it's worth the pay cut.
A bunch of kids from our grade linger along the shoreline and crowd around a bonfire. When Shae tosses kindling into the flames, they combust into the dark sky, a stark contrast of vermillion and blue.
We walk up to the fire holding hands. Clarissa and some others glance at us, and it makes me feel so out of place even though I'm as much a part of Hull as they are. Clarissa's hooking up with Ethan Leeds now anyway, but things have been awkward between us ever since we had that conversation. And especially since she saw Carson and I show up to school together earlier this week. The rumors about us dating went full-tilt before it quickly became public knowledge, rather than speculation. I'm still not used to the idea of it: a boyfriend. A boyfriend who is Carson Blue, on top of that.
"There you guys are." Shae tilts a beer to his lips, the glow of the flame igniting his pale skin. He reaches into his backpack and tosses us each a warm tall can of Bud Light. I crack it open and take a small sip, but it reminds me too much of Colleen to enjoy.
"Been a while, Blue," Clarissa says, not looking at me. "Where you been?"
"Working, mostly."
Carson sits on a log. I join him and dig my shoes into the cool, damp sand. I've never been to a party like this without Val. They talk about school, our teachers, and what they're all doing after grad. I try to chime in, to feel at home with Carson's friends, but it doesn't do much for my anxiety. Carson silently rolls a cigarette beside me.
"Saw your dad, Jill," Shae says, and everyone looks at me. I shift against the log.
"We wanna meet him," Sadie Calloway says, and the hell yeahs echo over the crowd. I try not to be irritated.
"Yo, invite him," Ethan says. "Tell him to give us a show on the beach."
"Really, guys?" I say. "I'm not inviting my dad to hang out with us."
"Why not?" Sadie asks. "It'd be so rad."
"Yeah, we saw him play last week," Ethan says, his arm slung over Clarissa's shoulder. "It was wicked. You're so lucky, Jill."
Lucky? Yeah, right. "You can go ask him yourselves. It's not like he's hiding."
"He might actually come if you ask him," Shae says. "Come on, Jill, don't be lame."
"Hey, piss off." Carson lights his smoke with his white Bic. "She doesn't wanna talk about her dad so just shut up."
"Wow, testy," Sadie says, and everyone laughs.
Carson scoffs. "You guys are dicks. C'mon, Jill, let's get some air."
"Agreed." I stand and storm down the beach, trying not to let them see how much they've bothered me. They all know what my dad did; they were there for the aftermath. For weeks after Dad left, I'd have tantrums in class where I'd start crying and have to leave. But I shouldn't expect a single person here to care about me. They aren't family.
"Blue, wait, man!" Shae shouts, but we keep moving. Everyone's whispers echo across the beach.
"Wow, he's really changed. He used to be cool. What happened?"
I hug myself, and Carson increases his pace to stay next to me. The moon is a dull splotch behind the overcast sky, and the lake licks the shore.
"Hey, don't worry about them," Carson says.
"It's fine. I should've known people would bug me about my dad."
We fall silent. I kick at the stones, and Carson takes a long drag, exhaling it into the night sky.
"My mom keeps bugging me to bring you over again," he says.
"I don't really want to see your brother for a while. No offense."
"None taken. He's a dick." Pause. "Hey, so, did you like... feel sick at all this week? Like after you slept over."
I frown at him. "No, but I have a tough immune system. Why, what's wrong?"
"I... I don't know. Forget it. It's nothing."
"Carson?"
Pinching his brows together, Carson takes off toward the bushes. "Be right back. I—I gotta piss."
He disappears into the foliage. Alone on the beach, I stare out into the water. Carson's been acting weird since we hooked up. Not about us or our relationship—we're closer than ever, especially when I drive him home after work and take a little detour to get some "alone time" in. But he's had a lot of headaches. Maybe he has the flu; Val's still at home even though it's been a week. There've been no shortage of texts from her, though, and she almost lost it when she found out Carson and I slept together.
"Hey, where'd Blue go?" Shae jogs up to me.
I turn away. "He'll be right back."
He puts his hands in the pockets of his skinny jeans. "Look, sorry about all that. It wasn't cool for everyone to team up on you about your dad."
It catches me off guard, but I force a smile. "Thanks, Shae."
After a heavy silence, Shae says, "Can I just say something? Blue's probably going to kick my ass if he finds out, but someone has to say it."
"Okay, shoot."
"It's just—I don't get you. I thought you were like, super against drugs."
"I am."
"So you date... Blue."
"He's changing, Shae. He hasn't used in a while."
"Yeah? And what if he starts again?"
I pause. "Then we'll deal with it."
He looks around, then lowers his voice and says, "I'm worried about him. When Blue falls, he falls hard. And now that you're giving him a chance, he's like... shutting everyone else in his life out. Not just me. His other friends too. Everyone at that beach back there."
Objectively, I wouldn't want Carson to ditch his friends because of me. But it's not like that, is it? I've never asked him not to hang out with Shae, he's been making his own decisions. "It's because he's trying not to use. He told me before all you guys do is get high."
"That's not even what I'm worried about, Jill. It's more about you."
"What about me?"
"I know Blue. He'll make a mistake, and if you dump him because of it, he'll be ten times more screwed-up than before. What I'm saying is, Blue has issues, Jill. When it comes down to it, are you gonna be able to handle them?"
"We've all got issues. I do too, and Carson accepts me for them. I'm not going to turn my back on him if things get hard. I wouldn't do that."
"I wanna believe you." Shae looks out at the water. "Blue's been pissing me off with how dodgy he is lately, but the guy's always protected me. Him and his brothers have saved me from more ass kickings than I can count." Our eyes meet. "Just—go easy on him, okay? Don't punish him if it turns out he isn't who you want him to be."
Shae walks away before I can say anything else. I'm with Carson because I like him for who he is... but then again, if he reverted back to his old self, snorting lines and smoking way too much weed, then Shae would have a point. I couldn't be with someone like that. But it isn't about trying to change who he is; it's about highlighting the parts of him that are already good. Shouldn't Shae want his friend to be sober and healthy?
A minute later, Carson stumbles out of the bushes three shades whiter.
"Hey, you okay?" I ask.
He practically falls onto me, trapping me in a hug. "I need to go home." Carson's heart thumps against my ear. Shae's words spin in my head.
"You're not using, are you?"
He holds me tighter. "I'm not, I swear. Just, all week I've just been sleepy one minute, then super nauseous the next. Don't know what's wrong with me."
"Maybe you have a bug or something. You should go to the doctor."
"No, I just wanna go home and sleep."
I pull away and touch his cheek. He's ice cold. I search for any sign that he's lying, but all I see are the sincere brown eyes I've been falling for since he started working at Dee's. "Come back to my place," I say. "Mom won't get mad if you sleep on the couch."
He presses his forehead to mine. "Okay."
***
Mom's been quiet since Dad showed up. So when I get home and find her sitting in the darkness of the diner, only the light from her phone illuminating her tired features, I'm not surprised. She somehow doesn't notice me and Carson come in. I tell him to meet me upstairs and slowly approach Mom so I don't startle her.
"Mom?" I say, and she peers up at me.
"Oh, Jillie. You're home early."
"Yeah, Carson's not feeling good. I just sent him upstairs. Can he sleep here tonight?"
Mom's lips purse. "I don't know, sweetheart..."
I sit across from her at the table. "He'll crash on the couch alone, I promise. I wouldn't do anything with Nolan here. You know that."
"All right, but only this once."
We fall silent. Mom fidgets with the sparkly case of her phone. "Oh!" she says. "I interviewed a new potential employee today. Her name is Janet; she lives out in the country, but says she can drive out here early and has lots of restaurant experience."
"That's great, Mom. Are you going to hire her?"
"I think so, yes. It would be great to have someone by Belinda's visit on Sunday."
"That's a good idea." We're quiet again, before I ask, "Has Dad come to see you again?"
"Not yet. He called, but I didn't answer."
"I'm glad he's not bugging you."
I tell Mom about how I saw Dad this morning, about how I'm thinking of shelving my hatred so I can move on.
"Maybe that's a good thing," she says. "I know it's hard."
"What about you? Do you still hate him?"
"Oh, honey. I never did."
The old me would've been pissed to hear that. Would've thought Dad deserves Mom's hatred. But the reason Mom is able to hold so much kindness in her heart, despite everything she's been through, is because she doesn't hate.
"Matias and I are having troubles," Mom says, and I snap to attention.
"What? Because of Dad?"
"Yes, but also no. It's more because of me." She moves a ring on her finger. "I would never give your father another chance. He doesn't want one, either—he came back here for you, Jillie, not me. But seeing him again brings back a lot of memories I tried to bury. Matias is good for me, but your father was the love of my life, and seeing him again..."
"Mom, please don't let Dad ruin anything else for you. He'll be gone from town before we know it."
"I know. Matias is patient and understanding. I probably don't deserve someone as perfect as him."
"Mat is good. He'll stick around." With a sigh, I stand. "I should go upstairs. I'm worried about Carson." But at the base of the stairs, I face her. Something's been bugging me for a while, and it never occurred to me until now I can ask Mom. "Hey Mom, was Carson sick a lot when he was a kid?"
Her brows stitch. "Sick? I'm not sure. Dorothy liked to say he was, but all I could ever see was a healthy little boy. Some teachers did say he was lethargic, but he grew up just fine."
"Dorothy told me he was really sick when he was a kid. Did you know her when we lived in the park?"
"A little bit, yes. You know I don't like to gossip, but I will say Dorothy has always been an oddball. You were just a little girl at this time, but she used to come around our trailer a lot, and she was very... pushy. She'd bring over bottles of wine and try to get me to drink with her, and when I'd say no she'd beg and beg. Sometimes she would tell me Carson was sick and she was so worried about him, so I'd feel bad and let her in. But it got... excessive.
"You know me, I don't like telling people off, but I had no choice. I asked her to stop coming around. A week later, she was at it again. It was harmless, but very annoying, so I got your father involved. He and Kevin Blue were friends, and it took your father talking to Kevin to get Dorothy to finally leave me alone." Mom shivers. "I've always felt guilty about that, because I don't know how Kevin got Dorothy to stop. Not long after, she stopped showing her face around town."
My spine crawls. "Do you think he hit her?"
"I don't know. There were rumors he was abusive, but no one ever saw her with marks. Then again, no one's really seen her at all in years. How does she seem when you go there?"
"Intense. A bit weird. That's all I can really say."
"Hmm. Well, Carson's nothing like her or Kevin. He's a good boy."
"Yeah... he is. Night, Mom."
After knowing that about Dorothy, I want to go back to Carson's trailer even less. At least he's sleeping here tonight. I can't put my finger on what's bothering me about her.
The first thing I see when I get into the apartment is Carson curled on the couch, bathed in darkness. Slowly, so I don't wake him, I adjust one of Grandma's afghans over his shoulders. His eyes stay shut, but he mumbles something and rolls over, grabbing onto the blanket and pulling it to his chest. I smile.
Shae's wrong about us. Whatever life throws our way, we'll handle it together.