The boar was a symbol of death to the Greeks due to the fact that hunting season began at the end of the year. This was the same season Antinous was born.
Their carriage rolled through a narrow path to the Arcadian Woods, followed by the imperial retinue and a procession of honoured guests.
It was only a few days until his birthday and he still hadn't received his gift. The Emperor was sentimental. Though Antinous could have anything he liked, Hadrian reserved birthdays for gifts of the heart. He would write him a letter, draw a sketch or wrap a keepsake from one of their walks, like a smooth piece of granite from a temple or a pressed wildflower.
He loved poetry even more than Antinous did. The Greeks in particular. It was unusual for a Roman Emperor to admire another culture as deeply as his own. A Roman boy might have been suspicious but Antinous felt proud. Hadrian read to him from Homer's tale of the Calydonian boar, a monster sent by Artemis to ravage the city of Calydon because King Oeneus failed to honour the goddess in his offerings. Oeneus recruited the bravest hunters in Greece and offered them the boar's pelt as a prize.
Antinous liked the story but the rocking carriage lulled him to sleep. He placed his head on the Emperor's shoulder and shut his eyes.
They hit a tree branch and the carriage bounced and woke him.
"You stopped reading."
"You fell asleep."
"That doesn't mean I wasn't listening."
"How's that?"
"I could hear you in my dreams."
He stretched, his long legs reaching the other end of the carriage. When he first rode in Hadrian's carriage, his feet scarcely touched the ground. In those days he sat on the Emperor's lap as his older lover named every tree and bird in the sky. It seemed that there was nothing in the world that Hadrian did not know.
The Emperor pulled him near for a kiss when the carriage came to an abrupt stop and the door opened.
It was Suetonius.
Antinous grew tense.
"Your page said you wanted me to join you?"
Hadrian invited him in with a warm smile, remembering his earlier directive.
"Yes, of course, come, come."
The historian did everything in his power not to meet Antinous' gaze. One wrong look and their secret would be exposed.
The Emperor rarely had Suetonius record their private moments. He normally joined the Emperor for meetings with his allies and generals. There was something different about this trip and the way he was so purposeful about all of the arrangements.
Commodus could be heard loudly complaining in the carriage behind them. "Why have we stopped? This northern air is drying! I need to get to the lodge and draw a bath at once!"
Antinous leaned out the window and made a crude gesture with his hand.
The carriage rolled on. Hadrian put the book away and set up a game of tabula between them, arranging the ivory pieces one by one.
Antinous rubbed his hands together. "If I win, you will take me to see the gladiators when we return to Rome."
"The games are barbaric," the Emperor grumbled. "What if I win?"
He scratched his head. "I will take you to see the gladiators when we return to Rome."
Suetonius was writing something. He couldn't imagine what it was. Antinous was not a general and this was hardly a war room. The historian had a dishevelled look in both manner and dress and seemed forever distracted or in deep thought like a young Cicero.
"What is he writing?"
"The history of my life."
"Your life is tabula, is it?" He grinned and rolled the die.
"No, my life is you."
🌿
The hunting lodge was like the villa but with wood instead of marble, trees instead of sculptures and bonfires instead baths.
Antinous collapsed on their bed with his arms out. They made no pretence about staying in different rooms, even though Antinous was getting older and people had begun to whisper. He pretended the whispers didn't bother him, but on trips like these when he was surrounded by men who served Rome's military or senate, it was difficult to deny the truth of what he was.
Their quarters were grey and cold. Orodes lit a fire while another slave arranged their hunting tunics and the Emperor's writings, which he did not let them touch.
He placed them inside a locked chest.
"My present?" Antinous said, trying to peek over his shoulder. He wasn't particularly curious but he knew it pleased the Emperor to act as though he was.
Hadrian pinched his arm. "What say you, Orodes? Should I give the young Greek his present? Or should he be patient?"
The slave swept some fallen bark into the hearth. Familiar with this game, he said, "I think he should receive his gift now."
Antinous crossed his arms. "See."
"Orodes, I'd have you whipped if Antinous didn't care for you so deeply." He put his hands on Antinous' shoulders. "The gift doesn't sit inside that chest. It sits inside this one," he tapped Antinous over the heart. "You must prove yourself a man first."
A man. Hadrian never called him a man. He wanted Antinous to remain his boy forever.
🌿
The hunt would begin the next morning. As the sun set behind the gnarled winter branches, a banquet was had and a large fire built.
Men left their women in the city and instead brought their favourite boys to the hunt. Some were chosen for their skill with horses or the spear, others for their wit, but a select few were chosen for their beauty and sat there puzzled in the firelight not knowing what to expect when the fire went out and they were brought to their masters' bed instead of their own.
Older boys like Antinous knew exactly what to expect and as he stared into the flames he saw another pair of knowing eyes. Remus sat by Commodus' side, whispering in his ear. He did not know if they were lovers but guessed that they might be. Though Commodus didn't strike him as the type to take a boy of his own he knew Remus could be very persuasive. He wasn't pretty enough to outshine him and he was from a good enough family to make Commodus proud.
His old schoolmate rose and circled the fire tossing the remainder of his wine into the flames, with a crackle and a hiss. He was wearing a plain white tunic, his hair noticeably shorter and curled. Was he simply following the fashion of Rome or did he understand that Antinous was the fashion?
Not wanting to cause a scene, Antinous stood to greet him.
Remus dipped his head in reverence. "It is an honour to meet again, beloved one."
It took every ounce of strength in Antinous' being not to roll his eyes.
"Yes, funny that we should meet here among the most prominent men in the Empire. I thought you would be undertaking oratory study by now."
"Romulus has decided to continue with his schooling and make a play for the senate. As you know, my loyalties have always lain with the Emperor," he said, reigniting the old flicker of rivalry between them.
"So you decided to bed the next best thing. The Emperor's closest ally. I suppose there are worse fates than being fucked by Lucius Commodus."
"To be sure. But who says I'm the one being fucked?"
A slave shook his tambourine and began to sing.
"Let's dance around the fire."
"Remus, I would sooner jump into that fire than dance with you."
But before he could protest, Remus had grabbed his hand and began swaying his hips and hopping to the beat of the music. He draped Antinous' arms around him like a lavish accessory.
"I will not become your copper bracelet," Antinous spat.
Remus kissed his cheek, lips like poison against his skin.
Antinous could have strangled him but the Emperor was watching and clapped along with amusement.
He threw back a goblet of wine and poured himself another. Like so many other nights this one went by in a blur of mixed wines and mixed loyalties.
They danced like nymphs until the fire fizzled into smoke.
🌿
The next morning the men took the horses deep into the woods. Antinous rode on the back of Hadrian's gelding with his arms wrapped around his master's waist. Suetonius rode beside them and commented that the Fir trees were just like the ones Hadrian described from his homeland in Hispania. The Emperor nodded in agreement. He appreciated Suetonius' attentiveness. Sabina no doubt loved him for the same reason. How they could both care deeply for the same man and not each other was another of love's cruel ironies.
The beast could be heard in the distance snorting in the brush. The men dismounted. A groom tied the horses to a few nearby trees.
Behind them, Remus adjusted the fabric of Commodus' tunic and fussed over his gold dagger. They'd had each other that morning, he could tell from the half smile on their lips. Attempting to conceal the fact only made it more apparent. He tried to picture what it was like between them but the only image he could conjure was of two snakes in a basket, each one trying not to be bit by the other.
The Emperor was handed a spear by his slave. He was always honoured with the first kill.
The boar shoved his great snout into the earth unbothered.
"You must lock eyes with your quarry, Antinous. It is not unlike being in battle with a fellow soldier. Taking a life is a sacred act."
He handed Antinous the spear.
"Why—"
"You're a man now. I want you to have the honour of the first kill."
His chest puffed out with pride.
He felt the cool grip of the spear in his hand and moved toward the beast.
It lifted its head and struck the earth with its cloven hoof. He thought of vengeful Artemis unleashing her boar to punish the man who dishonoured her. King Oeneus did not mean to insult the huntress. He simply forgot to include her in his offerings. It was a mistake. When Antinous stopped to consider it he thought it deeply unfair.
The beast charged. He leapt forward and threw the spear. It spiralled through the air and pierced the boar's shoulder, tearing through muscle and bone until it reached its organs.
The men grunted with approval, except for Commodus who clapped weakly and Remus whose cheeks were hot with envy.
The boar fell over, its breath white as a cloud in the forest air. It didn't die instantly. This was the part Antinous dreaded. He placed his foot on the beast's flank and removed the spear, stabbing it one last time through the neck to put it out of its misery. Steam rose from the hot blood of the open wound.
Slaves then dragged the beast away by the hooves where he would be tied to one of the horses and later skinned, his hide treated and tanned, his head mounted like a trophy.
Hadrian embraced him. "You are a man now."
Men belonged to themselves. Was all of this talk about battle and soldiers a hint that for his birthday, Hadrian would give him the gift of freedom and let him joined the legionnaires as he had always dreamed?
Then he said, "There is something I must discuss with you later, Antinous, in confidence. Meet me in our bedchamber before the feast."
At long last it was happening. The curse was lifted and destiny was his.
He kissed the Emperor deeply. "Tonight."
🌿
At sundown he looked over the camp and the tired men washing blood off their spears and tunics. Is this what war looks like, he wondered? Exhaustion, camaraderie, wounds and regret. No, it was merely an echo of what real fighting was, a pantomime of war that men re-enact when they are not fit for fighting. But Antinous was fit for fighting. The time for games was over. He would no longer live the sheltered life of a palace consort. He would join the legionnaires and make his mother proud.
Suetonius joined him at the outskirts of the camp. It was one of the few times he saw the man without a quill and parchment. He was contemplative.
"It makes you wonder who the real beasts are, doesn't it?"
"What did you write about today?"
"That you had the first kill. It made for a great entry."
"Did it? I often wonder how I will be remembered."
"I only record the facts. It's up to future civilizations to interpret them."
"How do you interpret them?"
He chose his words carefully. "I think you are deeply loved. Though I'm not certain who you love, if anyone."
"Does it matter who I love?"
"To history? I'm afraid not. She cares about the truth of powerful men, not..."
"Courtesans," Antinous said. Admitting what he was aloud sounded at once shameful and liberating.
Suetonius was kind. "I was going to say, us."
Antinous turned to leave but before he did, Suetonius grabbed his arm. "Thank you for not telling him. History may not care about your intentions but Sabina and I are forever grateful."
🌿
In their bedchamber, Hadrian was waiting for him by the hearth with his papers, diarising his thoughts on the day. The fire was a pile of ash. Orodes had yet to light a new one.
Antinous sat by the Emperor's feet and he stroked the boy's hair.
"There is something I wanted to tell you," he said, setting the papers aside, "but I had to wait until we were alone."
He kissed Hadrian's jewelled fingers. "You can tell me anything and I will listen."
He was overwhelmed with affection for the man. His lover. His companion. His friend. It could not be easy to give up someone that you cared for. This was the greatest gift Hadrian had ever given him precisely because it was a personal sacrifice.
"What I wanted to tell you is, that after much deliberation, I have decided who I would like to name my successor."
Slowly Antinous lifted his head. "Successor?"
"Lucius. I know he is eccentric but he is loyal and fastidious with a keen mind for politics. Do you approve? You're the first person I've told. I value your opinion."
Antinous felt sick. "That is the secret you wanted to tell me?"
"Oh, I see." He looked contrite. "You worry for your future when I am gone. Don't fret, when I die, you will inherit a great fortune and be taken care of exactly as you are now."
It was Hadrian's death they were discussing yet it felt like Antinous' funeral.
It could be decades before the Emperor passed. Antinous would never be a soldier. All of those promises he was told as a little boy had been a lie. His one glory in life was being the consort of the Emperor, nothing more. He would be like the old courtesans on Palatine Hill, well cared for in their gated domus but with no honour.
Orodes entered with the large boar's pelt. Hadrian took it and wrapped it around Antinous' shoulders. His knees buckled under the weight of it.
"Your gift, little warrior."
Anger welled up inside him. He felt as though he'd been slapped. He wanted to hurt the Emperor as he had been hurt, humiliate him, draw his bow like Artemis and tear open his heart.
He had but one weapon he could wield and regretted it the moment the words left his mouth.
"I have a secret to tell you too. Suetonius and Sabina are lovers."
A/N: Don't hate poor Antinous! We all make mistakes. (Damn, why do I always stan a flawed character?)
Would you rather be a courtesan and have all the riches in the world or be poor and have your freedom?
What do you think Hadrian will do to Suetonius?
Do you think Commodus and Remus make a good match? You'll be seeing a lot more of Remus btw. Frenemies for life ✌️
Spoiler: A golden-haired someone from A's past might turn up in the next chapter 👀
If you enjoyed this chapter please Vote! ⭐️