i stand watching the horrific scene, my heart slowly shattering into millions of tiny sharp fragments, and i'm stuck.
they can't kiss forever, soon they'll break away and see me watching them.
jacquie pulls away and mumbles something. i'm pretty sure it's 'i love you'.
i can't look at them any longer, so i turn i run out, my eyes welling up with tears. i run and i find myself back in studio a.
lola spots me standing in the doorway, and an angry expression crosses her face. "are you here to waste more of my time?" she snaps.
i just stare at her from across the large, open space, my eyes empty, and tears threatening to spill.
lola's face softens a little, and she appears to be confused. "what's wrong? what happened? has noah hurt you?" she walks over to me and places her hand gingerly on my arm.
i don't know what to say. a single tear rolls down my cheek. lola goes to wipe it with her thumb, but i back away.
"noah's in studio 1. kissing jacquie," i whisper, my voice trembling.
"oh my god," lola says quietly. she opens her mouth to say something, but i interrupt her by crashing out lips together.
i don't know why i kiss her, but i do. and, fuck, it's amazing. she kisses back, her hand still resting softly on my arm. the kiss lasts a few second before lola suddenly pushes me away.
"what the fuck?" she exclaims.
"lola, i-"
"richelle, why the hell did you just kiss me? is this some soft of cruel joke?!" lola hisses.
"i-i thought you liked me..." i whisper, my voice shaking. i'm so confused. aren't i good enough for anyone?
"i do like you! that's the point!" she yells, startling me.
"if you like me, why are you screaming at me, and why did you just shove me away?!" pathetic tears run down my cheeks.
"because i don't want to be straight girl's experiment!" lola shouts.
i honestly can't believe her. "lola! i'm not straight!"
she shakes her head in disbelief at me. "richelle, you're in love with noah."
"i-i don't think i'm in love with him," i whisper, "i don't think i can be in love with someone who's literally making out with one of my best friends."
"you don't think you're in love with him?" lola scoffs, then she looks at me, her eyes cold and glassy, "come back when you figure shit out. and if i were you? i'd go and break up with noah."
"lola, please, i like you," i plead.
"i already told you, i don't want to be an experiment, or a rebound, so come back and talk to me when you're over noah, and you're sure you like girls."
"i'm sorry," i whisper, my voice shaking.
"fuck off, richelle, i'm busy," she mutters. she turns and rejoins a very shocked and confused amy, acting as if none of that just happened.
so i leave too.