Thirteen
The flight back I slept. I was so exhausted I just drifted off. I woke to a stewardess nudging me awake to tell me we’d landed. I wiped away the drool that had collected on my shirt’s collar. I’d never slept through a landing before. I blinked a few times feeling rather groggy. It was an exhausting trip in New York, emotionally and physically. I hated flying multiple flights like that. Getting off the plane and entering the airport I saw people getting hugs from loved ones. They were being welcomed home. I wondered how that must feel, knowing someone would be there for you, someone that loved you.
Everything felt dark and cold. A gray ceiling of clouds let no light in. Everything was tainted with a grayish hue. A misty rain was falling. It felt like it could turn to snow at any moment. I caught a cab. The cab driver looked sad and worn. Perhaps I was projecting, putting my emotions on him.
I paid the driver and entered my building. At the base of the elevator was a couple in workout clothes. My building had a gym I’d never used. I had thought of going there when it got too cold to jog outside. I just hated using a treadmill. I felt if I wasn’t going anywhere I wasn’t making progress. The couple smiled at me and stood at the opposite side of the elevator as it took us up the floors. They looked happy together and obviously had the common interest of working out. I thought of Sarah again, of Tiffany. I pushed that idea out of my head and smiled at the couple as I exited the elevator. I entered my condo and locked the door behind me.
I made myself a bowl of cereal. My days and nights were all messed up. It was nine in the morning and I was exhausted. The sleep on the plane hadn’t been nearly enough. I was eating my cereal when I noticed the flickering red light of my answering machine. I picked up my bowl of cereal and walked over to it. I had made this walk with anticipation, hopeful that Sarah had called, that she’d left a message while I was out. Each time I was let down, each time it hadn’t been Sarah. I tried to tell myself that she wouldn’t call, that I wouldn’t hear from her. Yet still every time I hit play I hoped it would be her calling.
The message played, just the sound of someone hanging up. Another let down. Tiffany, it was probably Tiffany calling. I crawled into bed. I dreamt of Sarah. I saw her crying in her car as I drove away from the parking lot, dabbing her eyes with her tissue.
I woke up still groggy. It was a little after two in the afternoon. I wondered if Adam had checked in yet, how he was doing. It couldn’t have been easy making the choice to get help. How many didn’t make that choice? How many died too young because they couldn’t bring themselves to get help? I wasn’t sure Adam was that bad off but what I’d seen in New York was pretty bad.
I threw my robe on and dragged myself sleepily out of the bedroom. I poured myself a glass of milk. I was starting to hate the stuff but my list of drinkable beverages had shrunk considerably and I didn’t want to drink water. I sipped at my milk and grabbed at an old paper flipping through parts I hadn’t read. I’d cancelled the paper while I was going to be in New York and now I wished I hadn’t. I didn’t feel like writing and I didn’t feel like jogging. I just wanted to go back to bed, crawl under my covers and shut out the world.
Taking a sip of my milk I got up and started walking back to the bedroom. I stopped where my phone was. The light was flickering again. Someone had called when I was asleep. I hit play expecting nothing more than the click of someone hanging up.
“John… it’s Sarah.” I felt my heart race. “If you really wanted to talk we could.” I felt the smile that had formed when I first heard her voice turn into a grin. “Bye.” Her voice sounded cold and aloof but that hardly seemed to matter. I’m sure she was still feeling there would be issues but something had made her call, so maybe just maybe there was hope. I didn’t know why she had become so important. I dreamt about her almost every night and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get her out of my head. Every part of my being just wanted to see her again.
I quickly dialed her number. I was nervous and I didn’t know what to say. She picked up after the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Hi Sarah, it’s John.”
“Oh hi.” She didn’t sound happy to hear from me. Or perhaps this was the business her, she sounded very formal.
“Ummm, I’m pretty much free to get together whenever really.”
“Ok, well, how about tonight, around eight.” She sounded unenthusiastic and busy, as if she wasn’t really paying attention to the phone.
“Ummmm… sure tonight works.” I must have reacted to her voice for my response came slowly which she read as hesitation.
“If tonight doesn’t work it’s ok we can just set this up some other time.”
“No. Tonight definitely works.” I made sure to sound enthusiastic. This might be my only chance.
We agreed to meet at the coffee shop in the mall. It was a very public location with only a few sit down cafeteria style tables in front of the mostly fast food restaurants. It wasn’t exactly the setting for an emotional conversation, perhaps that’s why she chose it. I felt nervous about seeing her again. I quickly changed into my jogging clothes and went for a run, running seemed to be my cure for anxiety. The entire time I thought of her. I thought of that smile and the way she laughed when she cried. I thought of how she’d sounded aloof on the phone. I wondered which Sarah I would meet at the mall tonight, the smiling and joking one or the aloof distant one. I felt my anxiety rise with the thought of her. It was silly that I was letting it affect me so and yet I seemed powerless to just push the thoughts away. I remembered my first date in high school and how terribly wrong it had gone. I was so nervous I barely spoke. I had given her a bag of jelly beans because she had told me that was her favorite candy and she just thought the gift was childish. Almost immediately after I kissed her she told me it was getting late and saw me to the door. For the rest of high school I believed I was a terrible kisser.
The anxiety I felt before that first date was similar to what I felt right now. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because I felt like this was my last chance with Sarah. That her decision to see me was a precarious one, that I had only one last shot to win her affections. I had to make it count.
I shaved off the stubble that had started to form a shadow on my face and even plucked the unibrow that was starting to form. I showered and put on a nice pair of jeans and picked one of my better shirts. Looking at the mirror I cursed, my plucking had caused my skin to become red and inflamed. Hopefully it would die down before tonight. I watched television desperate to escape the endless cycle of anxiety ridden thoughts that were filling my head. Frank never had trouble. He always had a girlfriend. If only I was more like him. Even my sister with her temper had been lucky in love. I disappeared into a documentary about corporations evading their environmental clean up responsibilities. It wasn’t something I particularly cared for but it was thought provoking and proved an effective distraction.
The stove alarm I’d set to tell me it was time to leave went off. Standing up I took three deep breaths and headed for the door.
I thought of Frank when I was driving to meet Sarah. That weird dream I’d had where we sat together on the park bench feeding the birds. I wondered what he’d think of me seeing Sarah. I remembered a conversation we’d had.
Frank was sixteen and I was still thirteen. It was an awkward time for me. It was just after that horrible first date I’d had.
“That bad huh?” He was smiling at me, laughing a little.
“Don’t laugh, it was terrible.”
“Don’t worry about it kiddo. One day when you are older, you’ll get to be the happiest man in the world. You won’t even remember the name of the girl you had that horrible date with.” He grinned at me. “And you know what?”
I shook my head. “No… what?”
“I’ll be jealous of just how happy you are.” He tickled me roughly causing me to spasm and then he tousled my hair. I threw a punch at him but he was always too quick, he just artfully dodged it. I used to hate it when he tousled my hair like that. I wished he could be around to do it again. I missed him.
I pulled into the parking lot at the mall. The mall always seemed to be busy. They’d been eating up parking spaces with more development. At Christmas it was almost impossible to find a spot. Christmas… another thing that could never be the same. Last year we’d spent it at Frank’s.
I did my best to push the thoughts away. I was working myself into a bad mental place right before I’d see Sarah. I didn’t want to be the person she could shed tears about Frank with. I didn’t want to be a source of sadness.
I was glad when I arrived outside the coffee shop twenty minutes early. It gave me time to lose myself in people watching, couples young and old, wildly dressed and conservative. The mall had it all, all races, all creeds. It truly was a cosmopolitan city. I suppose it had that going for it.
After waiting for ten minutes I got a drink to help occupy myself, a chocolate milk. Sarah arrived ten minutes later.
“Sorry I’m late.” She smiled but it seemed reserved for her, not the huge grin I was used to. “Let me go get a drink and I’ll join you.” She headed up to the cash. She was using the same tone of voice she’d used on the phone. It felt as if she was keeping her distance, like she had a wall up. I watched her standing in the line. She looked sexy, black skirt and black high boots up to her knees a black leather blazer on top covering a white blouse. Her shoulder length black hair and yellow complexion played into the outfit perfectly. She appeared antsy. I watched her check her watch twice and when she looked to the side off down the mall’s corridor I thought I saw a scowl across her face. I felt my heart sink a little. I stared into my nearly drained chocolate milk container until she returned.
“You ok?” She asked.
I looked up. “Oh yeah I’m fine.”
“K you just looked transfixed by your chocolate milk” She wore a forced smile.
“Well it’s good to see you. I really didn’t expect you to call but I’m glad you did.”
She looked at me pensively for a moment as if she was weighing what to say before lowering her gaze towards the table. She was thrumming the side of her coffee cup with her finger. When she looked up I couldn’t read the expression but there was something there. “Yeah about that… I wasn’t going to call you.” She looked incredibly pensive. “I’m still not sure it was the best idea.” She was thrumming the table now. She tilted her head slightly to the side and gave me a sexy half smile. “Was it? Was it a good idea?”
I nodded. I felt a wave of relief come over me. “Yeah, it was. I think it was.” I leaned into the table. I stretched my hand out and gently placed it over hers. I twined my thumb into the palm of her hand and she wrapped her fingers around it.
“I realized I had fun when I was with you. That’s why I called you.” She ran her thumb up and down the length of mine and then pulled her hand away. “I’m just not sure what I’m ready for. She had her arms crossed on her chest. She looked sad. Then she laughed. “What would Frank have thought of all this?” She looked as if she was on the verge of tears.
“He would have wanted you to be happy. He would have wanted the same for me. Maybe we can’t make each other happy, but I’d like to try.”
She smiled. “I don’t know, you’re his brother.” She laughed. “Isn’t that wrong?”
“Probably.” I grinned. She lit up in return, that beautifully large grin of hers. I loved it.
“Well I’m still not sure I’m ready for something. How about we just try talking and see how that goes?”
“Sounds good to me.” I didn’t feel anxious anymore. For some reason when I was with her my anxiety just disappeared. “For one, I’d love to know more about you.”
She smiled. “What do you want to know?”
“Everything.” I grinned.
She laughed a little. “That could bore you to tears.”
“Try me.” I said challenging her.
“Alright.” She smiled mischievously. “Well when I was first born I saw this light as the doctor pulled me from my mother’s womb. I was scared at first but…”
I sunk away from her and back into my chair laughing. “Very clever. You got me.”
Her grin was beautiful. “You did ask for everything.”
“Tell me about your family.” I leaned back in towards her. “Any brothers or sisters?”
She told me about her brother. He had a severe case of attention deficit disorder that when untreated made academics nearly impossible. He was on medication and it was greatly improving his ability to focus and study.
“He’s doing much better now. He’s getting pretty good grades actually.” She smiled proudly as a parent would.
“So he’s a younger brother?”
“Yes. He’s eighteen.”
My eyes widened. “Eighteen!” I laughed. “So you’re more like a second mother than a sister.”
“Hey!” She feigned being hurt by my comment.
“How many years separate you two?”
She shifted her eyes playfully. “Oh I don’t know… a lot.”
“Eight years?”
“Yeaaaahh… eight, years.” The way she’d drawn out the ‘yeah’ and slowly said the eight years I knew it was actually more than eight years.
“Ten years?”
“Maybeeee?” She was grinning sheepishly. “I don’t want you to know my age.”
“Twelve years?”
She hung her head dramatically and squeaked out a ‘yes’.
“So you’re thirty?”
“Don’t say it out loud, it makes me feel so old.” She was feigning being upset yet she was grinning at the same time.
“Thirty is young.”
“Turning thirty didn’t make me feel young.” She pouted and it was adorable.
“That’s a very cute pout.”
“Thank you.” She smiled laughing a little. I loved her playful nature. “So, what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Tell me something I don’t know about you. Why aren’t you married yet?”
“I’m terrible with women.” I laughed. “I choke up pretty bad.”
She looked at me with genuine disbelief. “You seem pretty smooth to me.”
“Yeah.” I said softly. “You bring it out in me.” I gazed into her eyes for a moment before she started to laugh. She was shaking her head at me.
“Honestly though I’m usually terrible at this, for some reason I’m just at ease with you.” I shook my head. “I can’t explain it.”
“Well…” She eyed me with a scrutinizing look. “I don’t know, I think you’re pulling one over on me.” God I loved that grin of hers.
“When you meet my sister, she’ll collaborate. She’ll receive no end of pleasure telling you just how hopeless I am with women. I’m sure she’ll give you lots of examples from my painful past of dating misadventures.” She brought out the playful side in me. I was a different person with her. I liked who I became.
We got up and started walking the mall together. We checked out various shops and I quickly found out she had a penchant for shopping. I had always hated shopping but with her it was fun. The way she lit up and became excited at a top she liked made me happy. Somehow I shared in her exuberance. While we ducked in and out of stores we exchanged stories. She told me how her parents brought her to Canada. How they came through Vietnam first. It hadn’t been easy for them. They wanted to give their daughter a better life. Sarah was only three when she came, that’s why she had no accent.
She asked me if I’d lost weight and I’d told her about my jogging. I told her about my newest book and how I was finally writing something I felt good about.
“I’m glad you’re happy with what you’re writing…” She was flipping through various styles of jeans on a rack. “…but you’re other work was pretty damn sexy. At least I thought it was pretty hot.” She suddenly grinned yanking a pair of jeans from the rack. “They’ve got my size!” She shrieked out happily. “Mind if I try these on?” She was so cute when she smiled.
“Of course I don’t mind.” I grinned. She started heading for the change rooms.
“But I’m serious there was nothing wrong with your books. They were great.” She flashed me a sexy smile and headed into the change room.
I was getting quite the fashion show. She was trying on all sorts of outfits. She thought I was being easy on her for saying everything looked good. I couldn’t help it, I just thought she was beautiful, it didn’t matter what she wore.
We had a small collection of bags piled around us when we stopped to get snacks.
“You’re quite the shopper.” I said pulling off a piece of my cinnamon bun to eat.
“Malls are dangerous for me. I try my best to stay out of them.”
“So how do you pay for your extravagant shopping sprees?”
She smiled wickedly at my comment. “I’m a real estate agent. I represent this wonderful estate in Mississauga if you’re interested?” She winked at me.
“How much?” I said playing along.
“Just shy of two million.” She grinned.
“Wow.”
“It’s not my usual thing though. I mostly sell condos around the Lakeshore area for major development firms. They go for about five hundred thousand dollars each.”
“For a single bedroom?”
“Yep, that’s Toronto housing for you.” She licked at her ice cream cone that she had gotten for her snack.
I shook my head. “Prices are ridiculous.”
She shrugged. “It’s a desirable location. Tokyo or New York is far more expensive than here.” I thought of Adam’s two bedroom apartment in downtown New York. How much did that place cost him? I chuckled to myself.
“What are you laughing about?” She took another lick of her ice cream.
I shrugged. “Just thinking about a friend.”
“Ok.” She was eyeing me suspiciously.
“What’s that look for?”
“Nothing.” She looked sheepish.
“Come on there was something there. What were you thinking?”
“Nothing honest.” She was laughing nervously, it was clear she was hiding something.
“Just tell me.”
“Promise you won’t laugh or think I’m strange?” I nodded. “I thought you were having lewd thoughts about me licking my ice cream cone.” She’d gone beat red.
“What?” I was a little shocked but I couldn’t keep myself from laughing.
“You said you wouldn’t laugh.” She was whining and pouting and laughing all at once.
“I’ll never look at you eating ice cream the same way again.” I tried to shield my eyes with a napkin.
A voice came over the mall’s speaker system. It thanked everyone for shopping and informed them that the mall would be closing momentarily and to head to the cash register to make any final purchases. Both of us stopped laughing, I didn’t want the night to end.
“I had a really amazing time with you.”
She nodded. “Yeah me too.” There was something different in her eyes but I wasn’t sure what it was.
“I guess you have work early tomorrow right?”
“Actually I don’t have to go into the office tomorrow. I have it off.” She beamed a smile.
“Well…” I felt nervous about asking but I figured why not. “If you want you could come over and we could watch a movie or something.”
She scrunched her lips up a little pensively mulling the idea over for a bit before finally replying. “Ummmmm…. Ok.”
“Great!” I said enthusiastically.
“I’ll follow you.” She sounded serious again, thoughtful maybe.
“Yeah that works.”
“Where are you parked?”
“Umm… section C.”
“K, I’ll meet you there.” She walked off with her shopping bags hanging off her. I wasn’t sure what had come over her at the end. She seemed distant again.
I’d been waiting in my car for five minutes. Part of me wondered if she wasn’t going to show but I was relieved when she drove up and flashed her lights at me. I started off and she tailed me closely. We pulled into my building and I directed her to the visitor parking area. We entered the elevator and didn’t really speak to each other during the ride up. She had a stern look about her, perhaps she was lost in thought, perhaps she was trying to decide if this was a good idea coming here.
“I apologize if it’s messy.” I swung open the door. The place was only really messy by the computer, the rest of the place looked as if no one lived here.
“I can tell where you spend all your time.” She smiled again but her smile remained subdued like she was holding back.
We sat on the couch together. I’d grabbed some movies I owned and I was showing them to her.
“What if this doesn’t work?” I looked up from the movie I was holding and met her gaze. She looked incredibly pensive, I felt as if she was looking deep into my eyes for answers. “What if you remind me of Frank?”
“Do I remind you of Frank?”
“A little, not really, I don’t know. What if it doesn’t work though?”
“Then it doesn’t work but you’re this amazing woman and I really like you.” I felt flushed. Her face was just inches from mine.
“I like you too.” Our lips met. At first the kiss was soft and testing but very quickly it became a thing of wild passion. I pulled away from the kiss to make sure she was on the same page and when I saw the look of pure lust in her eyes I knew instantly she was. After that we were pulling off each other’s clothes desperate to uncover the skin beneath. Our hands travelled over each other’s bodies exploring one another. I lifted her up off the couch, her legs straddling my waist, and carried her to the bedroom. I gently rubbed her with my fingers. Her muscles tightened and her breathing became heavy and erratic. I worked them inside her, she was more sensitive there. She began writhing and moaning with ecstasy. It wasn’t long before she drew me inside her. I didn’t last long.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For cumming”
She laughed. “It’s not your fault that I turn you on too much.” She was smiling playfully. She pulled herself up close to me and rested her head on my bare chest.
We lay there in silence for awhile, her hot body pressed up against mine. Her fears had become mine. I needed to know what she was thinking. I needed to ask the question. “I didn’t remind you of Frank did I?” She looked up at me from my chest. “No. It’s strange but you didn’t at all.” She hugged me tight. “It’s a good thing.”
“Yeah.” I returned the hug. “It is.”