All We Leave Behind

All We Leave Behind - Chapter Three

Three

My sister’s home was a chic loft just outside of the downtown area. Her loft space was on the third floor of a large townhouse that had been converted into apartments. She’d fallen in love with the place when she first saw it ten years ago and has been renting ever since. Frank and I tried to convince her renting was just throwing her money away but it was to no avail. She loved the place and couldn’t afford to purchase anything equivalent. I’d stopped for some fast food on my way. It wouldn’t help my mounting indigestion any nor my waist line but I was starving. After finishing off the greasy burger I continued to my sister’s. I found street parking a block away and walked the rest. The lights were on and I could hear the sounds of soft ambient electronic music, loud laughter and conversation pouring forth from an open window on the third floor. I labored up the stairs and by the end of the three flights I was winded. How’d I get so out of shape? Even five years ago this wouldn’t have fazed me. It’s amazing how quickly you can let yourself go. I knocked on the door.

“That must be John…” I could hear Edward’s voice. He was one of Jennifer’s gay friends. He spoke with a higher pitched effeminate voice. He even had a slight lisp. His partner Mark was quiet, sounded normal, rarely spoke. There was always a calm seriousness about him, the polar opposite of Edward. They’d been together for as long as I could remember. The door opened. My sister was grinning brightly, holding a glass of wine in her hand.

“Welcome John, come in, come in.” She leaned over and gave me a quick hug. It was uncharacteristic of her. “We have to stay closer John, ok?” I’m not sure if it was the booze talking but I was happy to hear it. I nodded with a smile and stepped into her apartment. The walls and furniture were all bright reds blended with yellows and blacks. It was very bold and powerful. Modern art utilizing the same colors brought the room together. The place looked amazing. My sister was an interior designer, I suppose it was easy for her but I was always impressed. She changed the colors and design nearly once a year. I didn’t come down here very often so the place was different than the last time I’d seen it.

It wasn’t much of a party. It was a small gathering of people. It was what made for a party when closing in on forty I suppose. There was Edward and his partner Mark, my sister and her partner Rachel and then there was Tiffany. Tiffany was Jen’s straight female friend that my sister had pushed me to date until I finally gave into her persistent match making. She had a sturdy medium build and carried a little extra weight, she was a remarkably attractive woman with near perfect complexion and perhaps the most dazzling eyes I’d ever seen.

It was about six years ago, one of the last times we were together as a couple. The lights were off and only a thin beam of street light penetrated the darkness of the bedroom. We had just finished having sex. When she became excited, the red in her cheeks flushed a perfect shade of red. I could never see that or the way her beautiful eyes sparkled, for we only had sex in the dark.

“Can’t we have sex with the lights on sometime?” I whispered while brushing her cheek with my hand barely able to make out the lines of her face in the darkness.

“Can’t we just have sex with the lights out?”

“I guess, I’d just like to see you when having sex, you’re a beautiful woman.”

“Yeah, right.” She laughed in response as if what I’d just said was ludicrous, as if it was impossible for her to be beautiful. The truth was she had no self esteem. I found it impossible to love someone that didn’t love herself. It would never be enough that I thought she was beautiful. Every now and then the two of us slept together. We were each other’s desperate answer to feeling utterly alone. It had been nearly two years since I’d last slept with her. It was always somewhat awkward when seeing her. We could never be mere acquaintances. Something about carnal knowledge changes the relationship dynamics forever.