Eight
I had a dream, everything was hazy, my brother and that girl Sarah again. I swear I could taste her kisses. Was I my brother in the dream? I could feel my heart starting to pound with excitement. A loud crash woke me from my dream. I sat up in bed wondering if what I’d heard was in the dream. I only had to wait a moment before I heard the sound of shattered glass crunching against something hard.
Checking the clock it was nearly three in the morning. I paused for a moment before bursting out of the bedroom. I could hear two people giggling, one higher pitched feminine, the other I immediately recognized as Adam’s. Amidst the giggles were shushing noises as they tried to quiet each other down, each shush lead to more laughter as if the very idea of trying to be quiet was funny to them. I flicked on the light. There was Adam lying on the ground surrounded by pieces of shattered coffee mugs. He had one of those artistic vertical coffee mug hangers made of metal. He had apparently swatted it off the counter where it and the coffee mugs had imploded on the floor. He was sprawled on his hands and knees over the shattered pieces. I could only assume he was attempting to clean up the mess, instead he was merely grinding the shattered remnants of the mugs into the floor.
“Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me. Are you ok?” I rushed over to Adam to give him a hand. I could instantly tell he was drunk, the way he reached out for my hand awkwardly and nearly lost his balance twice while I helped right him.
“I’m fine.” He said while laughing. “Just a little bit drunk is all.” The woman he was with looked older than Adam. She wore wrinkles that were barely visible under the mountain of makeup she had on. She wasn’t wholly unattractive, very skinny. She carried a strong odor of cigarettes and perfume.
“Well have fun you two.” They both smiled at me.
“Sorry about waking you John.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I returned to my bedroom with a cacophony of giggles trailing off in the other direction. My efforts however to fall asleep were quickly brought to a screeching halt. No sooner had I crawled back under the covers had the sounds of sex filled the house. Moans and grunts, high pitched shrieks from her, even the occasional giggle and laughter was mixed in. It was as if someone in the other room was watching porn and had the volume turned way too high. At first I tried jamming my pillow over my head but it did little to block out the noise. Out of desperation I plugged the gap at the very base of the door with a towel. It was my hope to discourage the noises entry into the bedroom but this had no perceptible effect. I just accepted the fact that I wouldn’t sleep until they were done and took comfort in the idea that he no longer appeared angry with me.
The next day I woke up around eleven in the morning still tired and with a headache. Every muscle in my legs and hips were aching from the extended walk the day before. I exited the bedroom to find Adam in his workout clothes reading the newspaper with a cup of coffee in one hand.
“Morning.” I said yawning.
He yawned in response. “Damn it those yawns are contagious.” He grinned. “Sorry about the noise last night. Did you sleep ok?”
“Fine.” I lied.
“I just got back from my workout at the gym but if you want I’ll go with you again?”
My muscles were protesting their use by giving me shocks of pain with each and every step I took. “I think I’ll take it easy today.” I said while falling into a comfortable recliner chair. “So she’s gone I take it?” I asked reaching for a portion of the paper Adam had already discarded.
“Yeah, she’s gone.”
“Had fun?”
“Eh, she was ok.” He turned the page of his newspaper.
“She had a pretty strong smell of cigarettes.”
He flopped his paper down on his lap grinning a little. “Yeah she kinda stunk. I suppose I’ll have to change my sheets before bringing in the next one.” I forced a smile while shaking my head. Certainly he disgusted me and maybe I was even a bit jealous. I suppose if I had his gift I would have found a woman to love, to be with.
“I’m going to go for a walk.”
“Sure you don’t want company?” He asked without lowering his paper. He didn’t really want to come.
“Nah I’m good, besides I’ll enjoy the time to think about my book.”
“Good, good, that’s what I want to hear.” As much as he bothered me and he truly did, I had to just learn to appreciate him for who he was, accept the bad with the good. If he was going to be my friend it was clear, I was the one that had to change. I was the one that would have to become more accepting. In truth he never once showed a distaste for who I am or a desire to change me. He was always a good friend to me. He’d treated some of the people dear to me with utter disrespect but knowing who he was at heart, it was partly my fault for bringing him around them in the first place. He is what he is. I either had to accept that or accept that we couldn’t be friends.
I’d gone and changed into my workout clothes. Reentering the living room Adam was still on the couch shuffling through the paper. “I’ll be back in a bit…. And thanks…”
He looked up dropping his paper below his face. “For what?”
“For everything.”
He scrunched his eyes up and gave me a wry smile. “Are we having some kind of moment? Should I be concerned?”
I shook my head. “Nah, I just realized you’ve been a better friend than I have been to you.” He just shook his head and raised the paper back up to his face. I’d said enough and was feeling uncomfortable. “Anyway I’m going. I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Have fun, try not to die.” He said from behind the paper. I left as quickly as I could.
I walked to the strip where we had been the other day. It was quiet. Dark clouds were over the ocean threatening to come inland. The wind was blasting the shore line. Large waves were tumbling and crashing on the beach. I did my best to stretch my legs and arms. Everything hurt. I had a lot of weight to lose but I figured if I could keep up the exercise and the light eating it would all fall into place. I hadn’t had fast food in nearly a week. Sadly that was a recent record for me. Having finished stretching I began my walk at a brisk pace. Feeling my muscles respond with sharp pain I slowed it down a bit. For awhile I just lost myself in the scenery. Palm trees, beautiful people with tight bodies in lycra work out clothes. Whatever happened to the simple cotton track suit? I’d picked up speed as my muscles loosened up and my inner urge to push myself took over. I felt the sweat dripping off my brow and I had to constantly wipe at it. Some had fallen into my eyes and was stinging terribly. I felt old. There were times where I had felt that I was getting older but this time I actually felt old. I knew I wasn’t old. I was still young but I never had any problems with physical exertion as a kid. You just take it for granted when you’re that young, you just assume as a kid it doesn’t change, that it won’t go away, the ease of it all. I’d pushed myself to a jog. I wasn’t able to stay at that pace for long. I found an empty bench and collapsed into it. I was gasping for air for a bit. “I’m done.” I muttered out loud to myself. “Fucking done.” Upon getting my breath back I had time to enjoy the other terrible things associated with jogging. I felt damp and disgusting, completely bathed in sweat. I sunk into the bench a little more and for a time I watched people go past me. Dog walkers, exercisers, people just taking a stroll. The bench I sat on reminded me of the one me and my brother sat on in that dream, the dream where we fed the birds. I could even see some seagulls over by a fountain. They were taking a bath by the looks of it. I thought again on my dream last night. How real it felt to kiss those lips. How nice it felt. I brought a finger up and placed it on my lip. Had I become my brother in the dream? I looked skyward with hopes of somehow feeling a connection with Frank but only found the dark clouds had worked their way inland. The heavens opened up on me. Heavy rain came down in sheets all around me. My cotton track suit soaked up the rain with a great thirst. I just sat there unmoving as everyone that had braved the beach today scattered. People were running, laughing, screaming. I just sat there stretched my arms across the back of the bench and settled in.
Reaching Adam’s place I was welcomed with a very hearty laugh. Adam was sitting on the porch with a glass in hand.
I headed up the laneway, my cotton track suit was sopping wet and clinging to me. Every step I took made a squishing noise. I could visibly see water oozing from my lace holes. “I’m glad you find it funny.”
He just continued laughing. “You… should… see…” He was trying to get words out amidst his cackles but he wasn’t doing a very good job of it. Getting closer to the front door I actually watched him fall off his chair and start to roll around on the ground clutching his sides. I’m not sure I’d ever seen him laugh this hard before, it actually started me laughing. He was funny, rolling around on the ground with side splitting laughter.
“Look at you. You’ve lost it.” I said chuckling. “You’ve completely lost it.” He was going red in the face with laughter gasping for breath between his hysterical giggles. I saw tears rolling down his face. “Are you crying?” He wiped away the tears attempting to regain composure but he looked up at me again and the sight of me sent him back into a fit of hysteria. “Alright, glad I amuse you. I’m going to have a shower.”
“But… you’re already…. So wet….” He said between laughs as I opened the screen door and pushed into the house.
“Very funny.” I took my shoes and sopping wet socks off at the front door. I could still hear him cackling. I shook my head and made my way to the bathroom where I removed the rest of my clothes and hopped in the shower. It was strange to enter the shower already pruned from the water. I looked at the palms of my hands and my finger tips. The water filled wrinkles, were pruning so noticeably.
I remembered spending far too much time in the pool in Florida as a kid. We didn’t have a pool where we were staying. My parents couldn’t afford a place with a pool but that didn’t stop us from making friends with richer kids, ones staying at nicer places, places with pools. It was always Frank making friends. He didn’t feel strange about just introducing himself to other kids. He was never shy of starting a conversation, his friendly appealing manner shining through. Even Jen in her own tomboyish way was more outgoing than I was. It was not unusual for her to walk up to a few kids playing and tell them they were building their sandcastle wrong. Soon after she’d be the one with the shovel and bucket in her hands. That was Jen for you, ready to take over, strong with an opinion, sure of herself. Just like Dad.
I rinsed off the soap I’d lathered myself with and exited the shower. I heard a rap at the door and quickly grabbed the towel.
“Hey can you hear me?”
“Yeah sure, what’s up, you need in here?” It wouldn’t have made any sense since he had his own ensuite but I couldn’t understand the knock.
“Nah, I’m just going out. I’ll be back later. There is pizza in the fridge, help yourself. Oh and we’ll have company tomorrow.”
“Ummm, ok.” I guess he wasn’t inviting me, maybe things were still not back to normal. “Sure… well… have fun eh.” My words carried a hint of pain in them. I suppose I hoped he’d pick up on it and invite me, but the invite never came. He called out once more saying ‘bye’ and I could hear the front door close after him. I toweled off while taking in the features of my face in the mirror, sad and dejected. “Shake it off John.” I muttered. “Shake it off.” Stay positive. I wrapped the towel around my waist and headed to my room. I got dressed in pajamas. There was no point in wearing anything else, I wasn’t going out. I wondered what company would be coming. I had met a few of his L.A. friends before at a party. It was a bunch of men standing around trying to seem more intellectual than the guy standing next to them while they vied for the attention of airhead models. The party was painful, a bunch of people masturbating their egos.
I grabbed some cold pizza and threw it on a plate. I stood there in the kitchen eating my pizza in my pajamas and socks. How pathetic I thought. I smiled despite myself. It was all kind of funny. Standing here eating pizza in my pajamas and socks, left at home like a loser. Either you laughed or cried. I’d thought of Adam laughing, busting a gut on the porch. I thought about how I felt slightly high from the exorbitant amount of exercise I’d done. I glanced over at my laptop while biting off a chunk of pizza. The story I’d been working on still displayed on it. I grinned happily. Yep, things were getting better. Just keep plodding away at it, just keep plodding away.
It was near three in the morning when the door opened behind me and Adam much quieter than the night before, made his entrance.
“Wow, your still up?”
“Oh hello. Is this your roommate?” A female’s voice asked.
“No just a friend staying with me. I started to giggle before I even managed to turn around to see them. My eyes were red from staring at the screen so long.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I was laughing. “You kill me you know that?” There he was standing next to a red head. She was wearing a tight black pleather dress with slits down the sides. Her body could have been right out of the Victoria’s Secret catalogue and her face was quite pleasant to look at. Fuck I hated him sometimes. “Honestly you kill me.” She looked at him inquisitively perhaps looking for an explanation for my strange reaction but received none. Instead he just offered her a coy smile, raised an eyebrow playfully at her and tugged her arm leading her towards his bedroom door.
“Have a good night.” He called out to me as he closed the door to his bedroom behind him.
I turned back to my computer screen, my recent story displayed on the laptop. I blinked a few times. The strain of staring at the screen so long was causing my eyes to burn. I rubbed them giving into the itchy and uncomfortable feeling. There was no point in going to bed now. Soon the noises of Adam’s most recent conquest moaning in delight would echo through the place. He must be good at what he does to get the woman to make those kinds of noises. I’d barely typed five words when I heard the first giggle and shriek of excitement from the bed chamber. I laughed. Fucking Adam, fuck him.
It was about four in the morning when the sounds finally died down and I could head to bed. Nearly an hour, they’d been at it for an hour. I’m pretty sure when I was with Tiffany I hadn’t broken ten minutes from start to finish.
I thought of her and wondered if she’d be upset with me. If she thought I was leading her on. I was exhausted and found myself drifting as soon as my head hit the pillow. I saw Tiffany on top of me, her pale alabaster skin against mine. Her hips rhythmically moving, gyrating against my pelvis, I closed my eyes to better take in the feeling. Dreams like this are rare. It feels so perfectly real. Somehow I feel the guilt even in the dream, a voice telling me I’m leading her on, perhaps my own voice. I reopen my eyes. It is no longer Tiffany straddled atop me. She’d been replaced by Sarah. Her yellow tinged skin replacing the alabaster white. Sarah’s contagious grin was nowhere to be seen. Instead she wore a sexual almost animalistic desire, a wanton lust for me that I’d never seen in any woman. I knew that was my brother’s mistress, that look was for him, it must be. I awoke with mixed feelings. Part of me thought it was wrong to dream what I had and a larger part didn’t care. It was exhilarating and exciting and perhaps the closest I had ever felt to unmitigated desire from someone. I wanted the woman in my dream and she wanted me. I didn’t care that the look was for my brother. I tried to fall back to sleep, to reenter the dream but I was unsuccessful in my attempts to chase the illusion.
I crawled out of the bedroom a little after noon. Adam was already dressed in his exercise clothes and was reading the newspaper on the couch. He put down the paper when I entered the room, an improvement I thought.
“She gone?” I pushed the words out sleepily amidst a yawn.
“She left early. She wasn’t a posty.” A posty was his term for the women that hung around post coital. Adam had them all classified. It was somewhat funny that anyone would need such a classification system. “I’m really happy you’re writing again John. I mean that.” I wasn’t used to the tone in Adam’s voice. The real sincere quality, it seemed wrong coming from him. I guess things weren’t really right between us. Maybe he was trying to find a way for us to be ok again, where I wouldn’t snap at him anymore.
I nodded and looked off towards my laptop, thinking about all that had happened since coming here, thinking about my anger of late, the fights we’d had over nothing, the fights I’d been almost entirely responsible for. But in the end, I was in fact writing again and that alone was something to be thankful for. The long break had ended “Thanks.” I muttered. “I’m happy too.” I felt a warm smile come across my face. I genuinely felt pretty good. I still felt a hazy sadness but it was now in the background, pushed to the edge of my thought. Maybe this was all just part of the process, the process of being ok again.
It was as if Adam tried to smile in return but couldn’t. There was something in his eyes that betrayed the weak smile that crossed his face. It was the saddest I’d ever seen Adam. I’d never seen him cry and I’m as sure as I ever could be that I never would. But the look he gave in return seemed filled with sadness. It must have been the lines of his face, the hurt pain in his eyes. I hoped I hadn’t caused his pain. I’d been a shit lately. I just had to find a way to stop. I was about to open my mouth, to apologize but Adam spoke before I could get the words out.
“I want to have a chat later today.” He had turned his back to me, walking towards the kitchen. “Maybe in a few hours, if that’s cool?” He grabbed a beer from the fridge and after popping off the cap took a hefty swig from the bottle.
“Yeah sure.”
Without meeting my eyes he nodded and exited through the front door. I noticed he was holding a beer in each hand, double fisting. It wasn’t even one in the afternoon yet. I quickly got a glass of juice and bowl of cereal. Adam came in when I was nearly finished my bowl of cereal to get a third and fourth beer. I thought about writing but I figured Adam wanted some time. After eating I changed into my cleanest remaining set of work clothes and headed out the front door. There was Adam sitting on the porch his dead soldiers lined up against the front of the house. He was rocking up on the rear legs of his chair, I envisioned him falling backwards and smashing his head against the windowsill. His fourth beer was almost done, barely a mouthful left in the bottle.
“You going for a jog?” He said while struggling to maintain balance.
“Yeah I was thinking I would.” I was wincing a little from the sun. It was brilliantly blinding and hot today. Adam held his other hand up to shield his eyes making his balancing act all the more precarious.
“K, we’ll have the chat when you get back alright?”
“Sounds good.” I didn’t know if it would be. I didn’t know what he wanted to talk about. “Just don’t brain yourself on the windowsill while I’m gone will you.”
“Don’t worry.” He grinned. “I won’t brain myself till after we’ve had our conversation.” He gulped down the last of his beer. “Time to get another.” He got up and headed inside.
The skies were clear today. The clouds that had brought the torrential downpour yesterday were long gone, an example of how quickly the weather can change. I was jogging better. My breath was coming more natural and I found I could go further without needing to stop. Each day had felt a little easier but today I seemed to have improved greatly as if I’d crossed some invisible threshold. The less I thought about the jogging the easier it became. I no longer focused on my sore muscles or the burning in my lungs. I let my mind drift. The immaculately kept bushes sporadically lining the path, like so many other things, made me think of Frank.
We were outside the house he’d bought. Megan was standing by the front door holding Kimberly who was just over a year old. She was bobbing her every now and then to keep her content. Frank and I were standing off on the side of the road looking in on his property. He’d recently planted a lot of bushes fencing in his front lawn. It was a lot of work and he never once told me he was doing any of it. He just disappeared for a week and then called me to come by and look at what he’d done with the place. Sometimes I wished he’d ask me for help, I never understood why he didn’t.
“They look good. Must have been a lot of work?”
He shrugged, arms crossed at the chest. “It wasn’t that bad.” He turned and smiled at me. I shook my head slightly smiling in return. “At least now our kids will have someplace nice to play together.” He was partly teasing me but there was a part of what he was saying that was sincere. He couldn’t know then that it would never happen. Megan had taken Kimberly inside to change her. Frank had shown me the backyard and his plans for it were even more elaborate. I remember never offering to help with the work. Maybe I didn’t really want to help. Maybe he sensed it, maybe he knew me better than I knew myself. But that was all I was left with, maybes because I could never ask him what he was thinking. I’d never know what was going through his mind.
I found a bench to collapse on. I’d pushed myself harder than I’d thought. I was catching my breath which was coming in gasps. I glanced upwards towards the heavens. “Goodbye Frank, I miss you.”
Upon returning to Adam’s I found him lounging on the front porch much the way I’d left him, though there were considerably more empties. I counted them as I approached.
“Twelve eh?”
“If you say so.” He was grinning again.
“I see you’re no longer rocking your chair.”
“Yeah, it was getting pretty hard to keep the balance, so, I figured it was best to stop. Get a beer and come join me.”
“I can’t drink remember, I was throwing up blood.”
“Oh right. Well grab me one and get yourself a juice or a nice cup of buttermilk or something, then come and join me it’s beautiful out here.” Adam was and had always been a fun drunk. He was one of those rare people that booze made nicer instead of meaner. It wasn’t easy to tell he had been drinking either. He didn’t stumble or slur his speech not unless he’d imbibed an awful lot of alcohol. He just became friendlier. I found a seat on the porch next to him and passed him another beer.
“Thanks for the beer.” He popped off the cap and raised it up for me to clink. I raised my glass of milk up to his bottle of beer gently tapping it with my glass.
“Cheers.”
“Cheers.” He grinned and took a gulp of his beer. We sat out on the porch for awhile drinking our beverages before Adam finally spoke. “This isn’t easy for me.” He moved around on his chair uneasily as if agitated by something and then placed his newly emptied beer bottle on the ground. “I need to get another.” He got up and headed inside.
I’d been left out there for about ten minutes when I started wondering what had happened to him. Entering the house I looked at the kitchen floor half expecting him to be slumped over, passed out from the booze. I knew he hadn’t drunk that much. Adam was proud of his ability to handle his liquor, just another element of his misguided pride.
“Adam?” I called out but there was no response. I headed towards his bedroom, the door was open and I heard the sound of water running. His bedroom ensuite’s door was closed and the shower was running. “Adam?” I called against the door.
“Hey, sorry I lost track of time. I have to go pick up that guest at the airport. I’m going to grab a cab and meet her there.” I could barely hear him over the water through the door. I was a little pissed and yet I was worried. Adam was never one to talk about his problems. We’d never had problems. I mean occasionally I would just get mad at him and not call him for a month or so but he was always there for me. He’d never really been mad at me before. I had no clue how upset he was with me. Did he really have to drink just to be able to talk to me?
“Sure.” I muttered not sure if he had heard me. I left his bedroom and closed the door behind me.
I was eyeing my story but I couldn’t focus on it. I was too preoccupied by Adam’s peculiar behavior. I heard Adam leave his bedroom and hastily head towards the door. He was dressed in a nice suit and his slightly unshaven face made him appear ruggedly handsome.
“Hey Adam?”
“Yeah?”
“Who are you picking up?” I knew by looking at him it was a woman.
“Nancy, your nurse from the hospital.” With almost perfect timing a short honk came from outside. “That’s my cab. I’ll be back soon alright. When I get back, we can all go out for drinks.” At that, he headed out the front door leaving me in complete and utter disbelief.
It was after Adam had left and before he returned that I came to two rather important conclusions. The first, I desperately wanted to go home. This stay had taken more than a few turns for the worse and I felt responsible for most of them. I just wanted to get out of the situation. Run away from it if I had to. This impulse was held in check by my fear that I would run into Adam at the airport while trying to make my escape further escalating my uncomfortable situation. The second thing I concluded was that my life was far more interesting than the erotica story I was currently writing. I started a new word document and began work on a new story, starting with my brother’s death.
I’d written feverishly for over two hours when Adam noisily came bounding through the door. He was laughing and talking very loudly.
“So that was how I met John.” Nancy was laughing at the story already eating out of his hand. When they entered I could instantly tell he was loaded and she looked rather inebriated as well. “John!” He said loudly and with mock shock. “Why we were just talking about you!” He grinned at me wildly.
“So I gather.” I grumbled with a smirk.
“Her flight was late so I had a few cocktails in the lounge while waiting.” He was holding onto the kitchen counter to keep his balance. Nancy appeared to be finding his antics amusing. She shot me a knowing smile all the same. “Then of course when she arrived we had to have a few celebratory drinks to mark her arrival and now that we are altogether we need to further the celebration with, but of course, more drinks.” He slurred the word celebration rather humorously, I grinned despite myself. Nancy reached over and pulled on my shirt sleeve.
“Come on John. It’ll be fun.” She smiled coyly at me.
“Sure.”
We left the house and headed out into the early evening. The sun hadn’t entirely set yet and there was a wonderful breeze in the air. I closed my eyes multiple times and just felt the air brush against me. I heard Nancy laugh once and opening my eyes I saw her smiling at me. Adam had wandered ahead and was trying to prove his sobriety by holding his arms out to the sides walking one foot in front of the other and periodically swinging an arm in to touch his nose. It made for a silly spectacle.
“Were you really talking about me?” I said quietly hoping Adam couldn’t hear.
She smiled. “Yes. He was going on and on about you, actually….”
“You best not be talking about me.” Adam spun dramatically to face us. He was hunched over in an action pose, his finger pointed at us as if it was a gun. He aimed dartingly between Nancy and me. “I always know when people are talking about me. You best not be talking about me.” He was trying to do a cowboy accent but with his slur it was all the more ridiculous. I shook my head grinning at him.
The last time he’d been that drunk was when we were in New York, laughing in the streets. The next morning was rough for both of us, him more than me. He’d been throwing up for three hours straight that morning, all I was nursing was a bad headache.
“John.” He’d said from his position on the floor partially draped over the toilet. “Don’t ever let me drink that much again. Promise me you’ll never let me drink that much again.” He looked miserable. There was vomit on the corner of his mouth and it had dribbled down his shirt. He was white, pale as a ghost, his eyes were watery and his nose was running. He looked absolutely terrible. “You’ve got to promise me John.”
“Sure. I promise.” I remember walking away from him then. I wasn’t in the best condition to deal with the smell of vomit that permeated the washroom but that wasn’t the reason I left. For some reason I couldn’t bear seeing him like that, I found it really hard, sad even. Maybe I wasn’t a good enough friend. A good friend would have stayed.
“I think you’ve had enough Adam.” I was glad it was Nancy saying it. She was laughing though so I wasn’t surprised when he took it as a joke.
“Me had enough, why would you say that?” He was trying to slur his words on purpose probably unaware that he was already slurring them. He had become a parody of himself.
“Adam, remember that time in New York?” He went quiet at my mention of it. He looked like a kid who just realized he’d been bad.
“I should switch to water shouldn’t I?” He managed a grin.
“Yeah, you should switch to water.”
“Ok.” He waited for us to catch up with him and positioned himself between Nancy and myself draping his arms over both of our shoulders.
“I love you guys.” I shook my head while trying to catch Nancy’s eyes.
“You hardly even know me.” Nancy’s tone was playful.
“True but I hope to get to know you much, much better tonight.” Only Adam could get away with saying things like that. If I could get away with saying things like that I wasn’t aware of it. It always upset me that women fell for his cheesy comments. Were the women he was preying on weak? Was there something at the core of his behavior or look that women just loved? Either way he seemed to have found the magic formula.
“Oh don’t worry.” Nancy said while drawing her hand through the back of his hair. “You’ve met your match in me.” I was surprised to see the same grin on her as I’d seen Adam wear countless times before, that grin of superiority, of always having something up your sleeve.
We’d found seats on the patio at a rather chic bar/restaurant. I’m pretty sure Adam had pulled a favor because there was a lengthy line for entry which we bypassed entirely.
“I’m pretty sure a few people in that line hate us now.” I said looking back at the winding line.
“Bah, they are just jealous.” Adam said the words loud enough for the people in the line to hear. Nancy raised an accusatory eyebrow at his antics yet she seemed genuinely amused, grinning wider and wider the more she saw. I felt sorry for her. It was clear she was taken with him and yet I knew where it was heading. She’d just be another dance partner for him. At most she’d last a week or two and then with barely a consideration he’d discard her, he always did.
Our drink order was a little unconventional. Adam ordered a sparkling water with a slice of lemon and I ordered a glass of milk after being scolded by Nancy that the acid in juice could be problematic for my stomach. Only Nancy ordered a more typical martini. I sat there swirling my milk in my glass but the game didn’t have the same appeal as it usually does.
“That’s always been his thing, swirling his drink. He used to be terrible at it.” Adam was laughing. “Kept splashing the liquid on himself and sometimes others.” The laughter was becoming uncontrollable. He was barely getting his words out between the giggles. “Once he was spinning the drink in his glass and it went over the lip and hit the waitress.” I heard Adam snort amid his fit of giggles. Nancy was laughing as well now. I instantly remembered the time Adam had mentioned. The waitress was just coming over to see if we needed anything else. Adam had just teased me about my swirling. He told me I wasn’t pushing it to the limit, that I wasn’t swirling the liquid high enough in the glass, that it was nowhere near the rim. Now I wonder if he hadn’t seen the waitress coming. I was too busy apologizing for what I’d just done to put it together then.
“You told me to swirl it higher because you saw the waitress coming didn’t you?” It was like a revelation, that bastard.
He couldn’t even speak his face was going red and he was crying because he’d been laughing so hard. He started nodding his head unable to speak, I figured it wouldn’t be long before he fell off his chair and was rolling on the ground. Part of me wanted to be mad at him but I couldn’t. That was just Adam, that’s who he was and he’d always been a really good friend to me. It took a moment or two before Adam could speak again.
“You should have seen his face Nancy. He was so upset about splashing the waitress.”
“Poor guy, that was so mean.” Nancy was shaking her head but you could tell she thought it was funny that he pulled those kinds of pranks. I had to admit, I would have found them funny too if I wasn’t so regularly the target of them.
Adam raised his glass in cheer. “Come on swirler raise that milk.” I shook my head and begrudgingly raised my glass. “To friends; the most important people in our lives.” His eyes locked with mine when he said it. Perhaps that was what he was finding so hard to say earlier. Adam had never been good with his feelings. Maybe men aren’t good at expressing those kinds of things to each other, some fear of being viewed effeminate. The message was clear and heartfelt.
“To friends.” I parroted the warmth in his voice.
“What about lovers.” Nancy had turned to Adam and shot him a sly smile. “Where do they fit in?” Adam turned to her with a smirk across his face.
“They are just upgraded friends.” He was trying to ooze on the charm as he had done so many times before.
“Or are they downgraded friends, you know the disposable kind?” I had to give her credit, she saw right through him and yet she was happily playing along. I watched from across the small table as she licked the length of her lip and gazed at him with eyes so seductive I felt the need to look away. I rubbed my brow with my hand, an excuse to cover my eyes. I was unable to watch what I was sure was a train wreck in the making for poor Nancy. He’d just use her and toss her away. I think it made it worse that she knew it was coming. Or perhaps she was the female version of Adam, looking for the same thing and happy to embrace it. She couldn’t be used if that’s what she wanted. It made me wonder if there was someone for me. Oddly enough I thought of Sarah again. I shook my head, I have to stop that.
“You left us didn’t you?” Adam was smirking a little. Nancy had pulled her chair in closer to him and was partially draped over his arm. One of her arms was around his back and playing with the nape of his neck, the other was below the table and I could only imagine what she was up to. “Where’d you go?”
“No where. My own little world I guess.” Adam seemed to struggle to keep his composure and then turned to Nancy who gave him a wicked grin in return.
“You guys are unbelievable.” They both laughed a little.
“Come on let’s get going.” Adam got up and threw a couple of twenties on the table.
I’m not sure if Adam had asked Nancy to walk ahead of us or not but she was meandering along the sidewalk a good thirty meters or so ahead of us and well out of earshot. She’d taken off the sandals she had been wearing and was carrying them. I wondered if she knew just how dirty her feet would get walking on that sidewalk.
“She’s fun isn’t she?” I turned to Adam.
“Aren’t they all?” I asked.
He laughed. It was starting to feel like old times again. “Hey what I wanted to talk to you earlier about.”
“Don’t worry about it. The toast was good.”
“You know I was always jealous of your brother.” He was still grinning at me but I saw something else in his eyes. “Cause he was always your best friend.” He forced a laugh. “It was this weekend while you were down here that I came to the realization why I wasn’t your best friend and he was. It’s because when your brother and best friend dies I don’t pick up on the fact that you just needed some time and I didn’t realize that you’d be justifiably pissed at the world.” That’s why I wasn’t your best friend, but you know what?”
“What?”
“I love you man.” He smiled at me, a hint of sadness still in his eyes. I was pretty sure it was the booze talking but it would have been terrible of me to take away from the moment by saying anything.
“I love you too man.” He reached in and gave me a hug. It was something he’d never done and it felt a little awkward to have his hand heavily patting my back. It was as if the practice of heavily patting a back was a necessity during man hugs in order to keep the act masculine. “Come on you big softy.” He pulled back. “Go get her.” Nancy was meandering still in a holding pattern about thirty meters ahead of us and about to take a wrong turn away from Adam’s house. “Before we lose her.” Adam quickly jogged up after her and upon reaching her scooped her up effortlessly into his arms. She shrieked in delight and I had no doubt it would be another night of hearing moans of ecstasy echoing from his room.
I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of blocking out the noise before but I grabbed some earphones and plugging them into the computer I started listening to some music. Even with the music at a fairly loud volume I still occasionally heard a moan emanating from the bedroom. The music helped though, it let me concentrate. The writing was going well. I’d written the phone conversation with my Aunt and then my desperate attempt at building confidence with a drink before calling my sister. I was finally writing something other than erotica and it didn’t really matter if it would never get published. It just felt great to be writing it. Whenever I’d tried in the past to write something other than erotica the story always seemed to lack emotion. It ended up lifeless, a story written by someone that hadn’t lived or wasn’t living. They say write what you know and although I know as little about erotica as life in general, I find life to be far more complicated, more difficult to figure out. Sex is sex, you do it a few times and you get the general gist. I had been living a sheltered life, occasionally letting Adam or my brother drag me out into the light. I can’t remember the last time I’d made a new friend or pursued a woman. Maybe that’s why I had nothing to write about previously. Maybe some good could come of all this crap, maybe I could step out from whatever rock I’d been hiding behind and change things, change them for the better. All I knew was I was writing again and it was wonderful. The process was cathartic. I cried while writing about my brother’s death, it felt good to release. I was so lost in the process I hadn’t realized I’d been writing all night until the sun was streaking into the room. I got up to stretch my legs, and found I desperately had to pee. I started to laugh. I couldn’t remember the last time I was so lost in my writing, so eager to continue. I saved the document and went to the bathroom. I looked at my face in the mirror and I looked like shit as usual but there was one key difference this time. There was a broad beaming smile stuck on my face.
“You did good John, you did good.” I told the smiling man in the mirror.
For the first time in as long as I could remember I crawled into bed happy. Maybe this is how things happen. Maybe it’s akin to a dark cloud parting. Either way I didn’t care, I’d found something and I needed to run with it.
I’m not really sure if I was asleep or whether it was an imagination, perhaps a quasi dream but I remember Sarah putting her hand on my shoulder.
“John you ready to go?” I turned already knowing it was her but unsure why I knew that.
“You mean Frank. You mean Frank, are you ready to go.”
“No.” She smiled at me. “I mean John.”