I thought my life couldn't get any worse.
Needless to say, I was wrong.
I thought that Roman would remember me. I forgot that when we "died", we actually just got rebooted, left with only the memories and knowledge we had in the first video we appeared in. All of our sad memories were erased, taking the happy ones with them.
I wanted to cry. Still do, actually. But, no. Thomas had to have a crisis at that exact moment in which all I wanted to do was sulk and cut. Cut myself until I would have to be rebooted, too. Then, at least, I wouldn't remember all of the pain I went through and wouldn't have to go through the pain of Roman not remembering me.
But I knew that it would hurt Patton. Patton was the only person keeping me alive. If I had commited suicide, Patton would break. He wouldn't be able to take it. Even Roman's death must have taken a toll on him. I don't know how he's holding up. Logan's probably a big factor in his maintained stability.
I decided to text Roman, see if I could jog his memory.
Hey, I typed.
Hello. He responded. How'd you get my number?
Do you really not remember?
No. Dammit.
Oh boy. This is gonna be a blast.
What do you mean?
Doesn't matter. I'm going to bed. Night.
What? It's literally 6:30!
I know. Perfect time. Goodnight.
Goodnight, I guess.
But I wasn't really going to bed. You really think I could go to sleep after that? Pfft, no way.
Instead I laid in bed, spread-eagle, letting the silent tears fall. Knowing that it'll take me years to get him back. To get him to like me again. To be with him. Another year of pain. Another year of cutting. All because of him.
Because of Roman. Because of Deceit. Because of me. Because I'm not good enough. Because I don't deserve happiness. Deceit's right. I am hopeless.
* * *
I went to sleep on a damp pillow, and woke up to black eyeshadow all over it. I took off the pillow cover and threw it in the laundry basket. I went to wash my face, but when I looked in the mirror and saw that the eyeshadow had gotten on my hands, I decided a shower would be better.
I turned the water on and brushed my teeth while it was heating up. I got undressed and hopped in, letting the water swallow me whole and wash away all of the remains of last night. My tears feel along with the water, and I realized that it would never go away.
He would stay ignorant and arrogant for at least a year, and I would have to pretend like it didn't hurt. It would go back to how it was before. Him hating me, me cutting, and Patton trying to help, but failing. It would come full circle.
I got out and got dressed quickly. I didn't dare go down there. I wanted to avoid Roman as much as possible.
Instead, I decided to plug my headphones in and listen to some music. I let my thoughts wander, and they went to the beginning of this whole escapade.
I was lying in the same position, headphones in just like now, and letting my thoughts wander. And they wouldn't go away from Roman.
Nothing's changed. My thoughts still revolve around him. I still get anxiety attacks. I'm still worthless. The adventure we had in the middle didn't make a difference. The only difference is that Roman genuinely hates me this time. He's not doing it to cover up some stupid feeling.
I heard a knock on the door and got up to open it, putting my phone in my pocket so that I wouldn't have to pause my music.
Patton was standing in the doorway.
"Hey, kiddo. I know this has taken a toll on you, so I brought you breakfast," He held the tray out for me to take it. It had an omelet on a bagel with cream cheese, orange juice in a glass, and some vegetables on it.
I took the tray. "Thanks, Pat."
"Anytime, kiddo. And, uhmm, can I talk to you?" He asked.
"About what?" I turned around and set the tray down on my nightstand.
"Roman." Oh boy I guessed it. Get ready for some waterworks.
"Alright. Close the door behind you. I don't want any of the other sides to hear anything I'm gonna be saying about this," I pat the bed, inviting him to sit down next to me. He closed the door behind him and sat down.
"How are we going to get him to remember anything?"
"We can't. I'll have to deal with it. He'll hate me like before. It's back to square one, and there's nothing we can do about it," I said, defeated.
"Don't say that! Look, Virgil, this has taken a toll on everyone, but there has to be a way to get him to remember things! How did he forget everything, anyways?"
I took a breath. "Remember how Deceit popped up in the latest video?"
Patton nodded.
"Well, when he left the video, he didn't actually go back to his room. Instead, he went to Romans room, and when Roman and I were planning to hang out, he decided to try and torture me more. He tried to rape me, but Roman stopped him and they had this whole battle. Roman 'killed' Deceit first, but then Roman 'died' too, and now he's rebooted."
"Oh," Patton sat there for a moment, silent, as if not knowing what to say. "Virgil, that... that's horrible! Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I guess I just forgot to."
"Well, next time something like this happens, tell me straight away."
"Alright." We sat there for a moment, then Patton broke the silence.
"We need to do something about Roman," He said.
"I know. I just have no clue what'll help," I rubbed my eyes.
"Hmm. How about... we write it as a fiction book, then at the end we'll say 'sound familiar?' and see if it triggers any memories! Knowing Roman, he'll devour the book in two days and won't stop reading."
"I like the idea. But who's gonna write it?" I asked, and Patton went silent.
"Oh. Me."
"Yea."