Chapter 37.
Turning Point Part 2
I'd like to think my decision five years ago have been smart. I promised myself na hindi ko pagsisisihan iyon. No turning back.
But right now, looking at this man in front of me, I began to question myself. Tama nga ba?
Now, that sounded trite.
Because while i'm looking at him, really look at him.
Ngayon ko lang nakikita ang tunay na nararamdaman niya, ang tunay na damdaming pinapakita ng kanyang mata, even with the cold facade that he was displaying, I could see it.
I could finally see it.
Desolation.
I shivered and took deep breathes. The emptiness and coldness in his eyes were drowning me.
Neither of us were happy. Or so I thought.
But then again, he didn't deserve to be stuck with a hopeless and miserable girl like me.
Time was too short for him to just waste it with me.
But the worst part of my realization? Na kahit sa mga naisip kong iyon, I realized I don't feel guilty anymore. Or I never did from the first place.
It wasn't regret that I felt. It was...
"Stop staring, honey. Or you won't be able to leave this room anytime soon" he said firmly, keeping his eyes trained on me. I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks from embarrassment or maybe it was because of his endearment, either way, i'm not fond of the way that voice penetrates right to the pit of my stomach.
Saka pa lamang nagsink-in sa akin lahat. The bedroom. The bed. The polo.
Oh shit. It was all his!
"W-what happened?" ang tanging salitang namutawi sa akin. Paano ako napunta rito? Paano ako napunta kay Miguel? Maging sa loob loob ko ay nagpanic ako.
Oh God. I can't remember anything!
Except for the dream. I sat up straight. It was a dream. It was just a dream, right? It couldn't be real!
"What happened?" ulit niya sa tanong ko at ipinilig ang kanyang ulo na para bang isa iyong tanong ng bata. Then he crossed his arms over his chest at sumandal sa hamba ng pintuan. His gaze never leaving mine.
I did my best to keep looking at his face and avoid the fact that wasn't wearing anything but sweatpants. Mukhang kakagaling lamang niya sa pagwowork-out dahil kumikintab pa ang katawan niya sa pawis at tangan ang isang bote ng tubig.
May isang makulit na butil ng pawis niya na kitang-kita ko mula sa kinauupuan ko na unti- unting naglandas mula sa leeg niya My eyes followed the damn sweat at pag-angat ko ng tingin ay natitig pa rin sa akin si Miguel na may nakapaskil ng ngisi sa kanyang mukha.
A blush stole across my face.
"Right. What happened" he repeated, like he found the question amusing.
I cleared my throat and mentally chastised myself. Hindi ko magawang tumingin ng maayos sa kanya dahil sa tingin na binibigay niya. I gulped.
"Y-yes. B-bakit ako n-nandito? Paano ako napunta rito? Why am I w-wearing your c-clothes? Bakit ako nandito s-sa kama mo?" pumiyok na ang boses ko sa huli kong tanong.
He rubbed his chin with his right hand. Nandoon pa rin ang kanyang stubbles.
I gripped the covers tightly habang nag-iintay ng isasagot niya. Stop staring!, gustong gusto kong isigaw sa kanya.
Then all of a sudden, he opened his water bottle at uminom mula roon. His gaze still locked on/with mine. I fought the urge to follow the droplets of water again. I bit on my lower lips nang maalala ko ang araw ng una naming pagkikita, ang tagpo na iyon sa university gym na kung saan ay umiinom rin siya ng tubig habang nakatitig pa rin sa'kin. I shivered. You wouldn't want to go there, Rein.
His eyes flickered. I knew that moment na naalala niya rin iyon. Nang masaid niya ang laman ng bote ay pinunasan niya ang kanyang labi using the back of his hands.
He started walking towards me until he reach the foot of the bed. Ipinatong niya ang kaliwang tuhod niya sa kama as he lean closer to me. Nakapatong ang magkabilang braso niya sa kama, trapping my legs between them. It made our position very... intimate. His gaze grew hard and more intense.
As if my heart wasn't already beating fast enough enough, he says, "Because it's where you belong" with every hint of seriousness in his voice.
Napasinghap ako. "M-Miguel..." I murmured, shocked and breathless. Pero parang lumabas iyon bilang isang protesta.
He didn't even flinch. He gave me a hard look and searched my face.
Naipikit ko ng mariin ang aking mga mata. Ano ba ang nangyayaring ito? Is this some sort of punishment? Because it's so hard to hold back but at the same time, it's hard to hold on.
Of course, it's real. All of it was real.
Hindi ko iyon inimagine o hindi iyon panaginip. Everything that I remembered happening last night was real. Kaya naman kailangan kong umalis sa lugar na 'to bago pa man lumala ang lahat. We should keep the distance.
"I have to go" I said, briskly. Nang dumilat ako'y iniiwas ko agad ang tingin sa kanya. Mabilis na inalis ko ang kumot na nakatakip sa'kin at bumaba ng kama. I heard him cursed but I just ignored it.
Dali-dali kong hinanap sa kwarto ang suot ko kagabi. Really, ano nga ba ang suot ko kagabi? I murmured a soft curse. Pinilit ko ring huwag pansinin ang magandang pagkakagawa at disenyo ng kwarto na white, grey, brown and black ang dominant colors. Maganda rin ang napiling materyales sa floo-okay, stop.
"Nasa laundry pa ang mga damit mo. Nagsuka ka kagabi kaya ayan muna ang sinuot ko sa'yo" explained Miguel with a frustrated voice.
"Ohh..." nasabi ko na lamang. Pinili ko na rin na huwag mag-react sa kaalamang siya ang nagbihis sa akin. That means... wait, what's the big deal, Rein? Ngayon ka pa nahiya? May anak na nga kayo, for goodness' sake! I groaned.
Yes, si Alex. Hindi ako nakatawag kay Alex. "My phone. Where's my phone?" wika ko na may kaunting panic. I looked at him. Nakaupo na siya sa kama at nakatalikod mula sa akin. He looked defeated.
Gumihit na naman ang kirot sa ulo ko.
I cupped my head and groaned. Naramdaman ko na lamang ang pamilyar na mga braso na biglang umalalay sa'kin. Dahan-dahan akong pinaupo ni Miguel sa kama.
For a moment there, I thought na yayayakapin niya ako. But then he didn't.
I'm glad he didn't.
But I sort of wish he did.
"Sit down. May hangover ka pa" he said with a stern voice. But his touch was very gentle. Nang makaupo ako ay umalis siya saglit.
I tiled my head habang sapo pa rin iyon. "Stupid hangover," I cursed.
"Yes. Pero hindi mo 'yan mararamdaman ngayon kung hindi ka naglasing kagabi" biglang dating ni Miguel. Iniabot niya sa'kin ang isang tableta at isang basong tubig.
"Here. Take this. It's safe kahit hindi ka pa kumakain. That reminds me. Magluluto pa lang ako ng breakfast mo. Hindi ko alam kung anong oras ka magigising and I don't want you to eat cold breakfast."
Ininom ko ang ibinigay niyang tubig at gamot. Then I shook my head. "No. Hindi na kailangan. Aalis na rin naman ako."
"Damn it, woman! Stop being so stubborn!" galit niyang wika at tumalikod sa akin. He faced the window.
I bit my lips. Napansin kong nagsuot siya ng white t-shirt at napatitig na lamang ako sa likod niya. "I'm not stubborn" wika ko.
I saw how his muscle flexed. "You are. And look at you. Sino ba ang matinong babae na may--- ugh anong iniisip mo kagabi, Rein? Really? Anong pumasok sa utak mo't nagpakalasing ka?" nararamdaman kong nagtagis na ang kanyang panga. His voice was angry, hurt, even.
"Celebration party 'yon, for Christ' sake, Miguel! Kasama ko ang team ko! Even your secretary!" bulalas ko. Humarap siya sa akin.
"And do you think, nasa huwisyo rin ang mga 'yon? Oh, that reminds me, I'm going to fire that secretary of mine as soon as I get back to my office" sabi niya sa pinal na tono.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "You wouldn't" Nagflashback sa'kin lahat ng sinabi sa akin ni Monica. Lahat ng kuwentuhan naming kagabi. And oh my god! The dare! I can now remember na tinawagan nila si Miguel kagabi and I wasn't hallucinating na narinig ko sa kanila ang pangalan ni Miguel.
He eyed me. "I believe that's none of your business, Rein. Kung may if-fire man akong employee. It's my company. Ako ang may hawak sa lahat."
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. Hurt. "Of course" I said, bitterly.
"That's why hindi mo na rin dapat ako pinapakialaman. Because I believe it's none of your business anymore, sir"
Gusto ko nang umalis sa lugar na iyon. Being there, sa iisang kwarto kasama siya... "Ugh" he smashed his fist into the wall. Napaigtad ako sa gulat at sa impact ng suntok na iyon.
Unti-unting bumilis ang labas pasok ng hangin sa akin. "I hate that, Rein. You know I hate that! I hate it when you're drunk and I'm not there" he hissed "I hate that you're telling me it's not my business. That I'm not a part of your life anymore when in fact I should have been. How could you, Miguel? Bakit nararamdaman mo sa'kin 'yan?
Semicoherent sentences tumbled in my head. I heard him sigh. Ganoon pa rin ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Muling pumaalinlangan ang nakakabinging katahimikan. Hindi ako makapagsalita. I couldn't find the right words.
Should I run?
Should I hide? It's what I've been doing for the past few years. Running and hiding.
Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas nang magsalita si Miguel. Hindi pa rin niya inaalis ang kamao niya sa pader.
"Y-you said sorry" he croaked.
I closed my eyes and inhaled. I needed to.
Of course, Miguel. "Yes" I whispered. "Yes. Miguel. I did. And I truly am. Alam kong ilang years nang huli ito and probably useless. But still, I'm sorry." For not being strong enough to hold on. I couldn't make you. For breaking your heart. For me. Because it was me. I made him exactly I'm afraid he would be.
I wiped my eyes in an attempt to stop tears from forming. Hindi siya nagsalita. I gulped. Umayos siya ng tayo at tinanggal ang kamay mula sa pagkakasuntok sa pader.
"Where is Carlos? 'Yan ang sinabi mon a dahilan mo kaya mo ako iniwan" wika niya. I stiffened at the mention of his name.
"Miguel..." I pleaded.
"Where is he? Why aren't you with him? Hanggang ngayon ay iyon pa rin ang tanong sa isip ko. Enlighten me. DIba dapat ngayon ay kasal na kayo?" napatiim siya ng bagang "Iniwan ka ba ng gagong 'yun!?" he spat.
I winced. "Don't call him that" I whispered. Hindi na dapat madamay si Carlos sa gulong ito. ANg dami ko nang pabor na hiningi sa kanya.
"Pinagtatanggol mo pa rin siya?" he asked in disbelief. "So, tell me. What really happened?"
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Nang wala pa rin siyang marinig ay humarap na siya sa akin. Nanlaki ang mata ko ng makita kong may dugo ang kamay niyang pinansuntok sa pader. Tatayo sana ako para gamutin iyon ng pigilan niya ako. Wala akong nagawa kundi umupong muli.
"Tell me the real reason why you left me, Rein. Because I believe I deserve it. I fucking deserve an explanation."
I closed my eyes. "I... I can't" I couldn't possibly hurt you more than I already had.
He laughed bitterly. "You know what I hate the most, Rein?" tanong niya't tumingin ng diretso sa aking mga mata.
"You" he declared.
His eyes were focused on mine the whole time he said it.
Doon ko naramdaman ang pagtulo ng luha ko.
"People say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. The truth is you knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it"
As if hindi pa sapat ang isang word na'yon, "I hate you. I fucking hate you"
Iyon yata ang pinakamasakit. Ang sabihin niya sa akin ang mga salitang iyon na nakatingin ng diretso sa aking mga mata.
Kitang kita ko kasi na totoo iyon. Totoo iyon.
"Stop" I begged. Tumingin ako sa magkasiklop kong palad na nasa kandungan ko. Natawa siya ng pagak.
"But you know what I hate the most?" Saglit siyang huminto, "These. All of these. Do you realize how hard it was to hate you when all I could think about was kissing you?" sabi niya sa hirap na boses.
Unti-unti nang naglandas ang mga luha ko. Hindi ko na mapigilan.
"What do you want, Miguel?" I whispered.
Anong ibig sabihin ng tanong ko? Hindi ko rin alam. Hindi na ako makapag-isip.
I could finally see my Miguel. Ang Miguel na minahal ko noon. Kahit na hindi pa siya buo. There's hope.
"Bring Me Back"
Nang muli akong tumingin sa kanya ay napasinghap ako ng sobrang lapit na niya sa akin. And he was looking at my lips.
He reached up to my face and hold my cheeks in his hands. He wiped away my tears.
I closed my eyes and leaned in to his touch. The feeling was magical.
"Alam mo ba kung gaanong pagpipigil ang ginawa ko kagabi para hindi ko mapatay ang lalaking kasayaw mo kagabi?" bulong niya malapit sa tainga ko. His tone was dangerous and... sexy.
I bit my bottom lips and I heard him groan. "Hindi ko-" Pinatahimik niya ako using his thumb and he also brushed my lips with it. "Sshh.. I know that now, baby, I know."
Mas lalong gusto kong umiyak. "Hate me, Miguel. Hate me, please. I don't deserve your forgiveness. You can't forgive me, Miguel" I begged.
Mas madaling umalis muli kung alam kong galit pa rin siya sa akin. Gusto kong kamuhian niya ako. Make it worse. Dahil mas madaling tumalikod. Gusto kong ipunin lahat ng galit niyang iyon para maging pader. Mas madaling magkaroon ako ng katwiran sa sarili ko. Na hinding hindi na dapat ako lumagpas kung saan man ako naroroon.
Plus, baka may mga tao kaming dapat ikonsidera sa mga hakbang na ginagawa naming.
Oo. Kaya kailangan ni Alex makilala ang tatay niya, asik ng isang bahagi ng isip ko. I groaned.
He stiffened. Inalis niya ang daliri niya sa labi ko at umayos ng tayo. He clenched his jaw again. "Bakit ba 'yan na lang palagi ang sinasabi mo sa'kin? Let's stop being ridiculous here. I know you want me as much as I want you!" naiinis na sabi niya. "Stop this. S-stop all of this, Rein. Naiinis na ako sa mga sinasabi mo. Gustong gusto mong kamuhian kita. I don't get it! You keep on blaming yourself. You keep on accepting all my anger and accusation! Hindi mo man lang ako bigyan ng dahilan! Tangina. Kahit ano. Kahit anong dahilan! I will accept it. No matter how bullshit your reasons are. Tinatago mo lahat ng sakit eh. Hindi mo man lang pagtanggol ang sarili mo!" frustrated na sabi niya at napaigtad ako ng sipain niya ang bedside table at natumba ang ibang nasa ibabaw niyon.
His words hit a nerve.
"That's the reason kaya hindi kita magawang kamuhian ng sobra. You're a freaking saint and I hate that i would always be the freaking demon here. You're being unfair. Fuck."
"Make him happy. Wala namang mawawala. Seond chance. Chance." Trey whispered
Kaya ko bang magtake ng risk?
Should I settle for the temporary and uncertainty?
Ito na ba uli yung point na kailangan kong iconsider ang nangyayari ngayon kaysa sa walang kasiguraduhan bukas?
"Mommy? Where's my daddy?"
"You're being unfair"
Pinigil ko ang mga luha ko sa pamamagitan ng pagpikit ng mariin.
"Miguel. Hindi mo pa sinasagot ang tanong ko. What is it you want" dahan-dahan kong tanong then I opened my eyes. He was staring at me. Tumingin ako ng diretso sa kanyang mga mata.
This is it.
I'm giving him my decision.
Just like what I told myself last night. Damn consequents. I'll deal with them later. I want my boys happy. Baka dumating yung time na hindi ko masilayan ang sandaling iyon. I don't know kung tama ba ang ginagawa ko. I don't care anymore.
Nakatitig lang siya sa akin. Hindi siya gumagalaw. Pero naririnig ko ang mabilis na kanyang paghinga. Alam kong nagtatanong ang isip niya. Nagtatanong ang mga tingin niya.
Pero natagpuan ko na lamang ang sarili kong hindi makapagsalita. Na-realize ko na mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko, ina-anticipate ko ang sagot niya. Parang bigla ay hindi ako makahinga. I almost feel like crying.
Mas nauna ko pang naramdaman ang mga labi niya kaysa sa nasaksihan kong mabilis niyang paglapit at paghapit niya sa akin. And when it all sank in, I close my eyes and let him take my soul with that kiss. His kiss was gentle. Para bang natatakot siyang mawala na lamang ako bigla. Na hindi ako totoo. Punong puno iyon ng emosyon. Na para bang ipinaparating na niya sa halik na iyon ang sagot sa tanong ko. Ikinawit ko ang mga braso ko sa likod ng leeg niya. He groaned and deepened the kiss.
Naririnig ko ang malakas na tibok ng puso niya. Or was it mine? Hindi ko na alam.
That moment was too magical to think of anything else. Like the purpose of the entire human race centers around this moment.
Para sa aming dalawa.
Nang bigla ay tumigil siya. I wanted to protest. Pero hindi siya ganoong lumayo. He pressed his forehead to mine.
"Romance this ice prince" he said, breathless. "I want you. I want us."
Hindi ako nagsalita.
Tumitig lang ako sa kanyang mga mata pagkatapos ay bumaba ang tingin ko sa mga labi niya. His words were perfect. He's perfect.
I couldn't speak. Kinakapos ako ng hangin. I closed my eyes. He must have misunderstood my silence.
"Please" he begged. "No one had ever crashed me the way you do." he started and I froze... "This is the best and worst accident i've got into..."
That did it. I didn't even let him finish, I kissed him. I know. Those words were the keywords ng kung ano mang hesitation na mayroon ako. Those words...
I opened my eyes. "Okay," I whispered, in between kisses.
Kumalas siya sa halik and I groaned. He smiled then kissed me once again.
One name entered my mind...
Alex