Castiel opened his eyes and blinked a few times to focus them, when he realized he was on the couch, with Dean, in the crock of his arm. Dean was sound asleep, snoring a little bit. Cas smiled at the sight and placed his head back on Dean's chest. He knew it was against the rules, but it was Dean who had told him to do it in the first place and not doing as Dean said was also going against the rules. He had his eyes closed, but he was not asleep. His mind was trying to understand Dean. He was a confusing man. First he says he doesn't want a relationship, but he sure treats Cas as if they were in one, then he says no acts of love outside of the sexual act, but here he was, sleeping on Dean's chest with his arm wrapped around him. He didn't understand it and Dean was confusing him, but he liked it.
Suddenly Cas felt Dean shift position and he pulled away only to be pulled back and a tired moan escaped Dean's throat.
"Don't leave me" he said and Castiel placed his head back down in confusion.
A couple of minutes later, Dean's arm lifted from Castiel's body as he stretched himself. He yawned and when he looked down at his chest he jumped out of the couch and stared at Castiel with big eyes and his mouth was wide open.
"What the hell are you doing?" he yelled and Castiel straightened himself up.
"I did as you said" Castiel answered, his head hanging low.
"What?" Dean turned around and wiped his mouth with his hand, even though there was nothing there, he always seemed to do that when he was stressed, then he massaged his temple and turned around back to look at Cas, "Right, uh, you're right... You... Uh, did... good. Now, go to your room and... get changed. Just, casual... I... We... Need to get... I mean... Go out"
Castiel confusingly stood up from the couch and walked into his bedroom. Dean was acting weird, he had been acting like this ever since the first time they did it. Did Dean not like him? Wasn't he good enough for him? Was he only doing this because of the contract? No. He could annul the contract at any time if he wanted to. So, if Dean didn't like him he could just tell him to leave, and he wouldn't have spent that much money on clothes for him if he didn't want him anymore. Castiel's head almost killed him, there was so much going on up in there and he wasn't sure what to make of it all. He slipped into a pair of light blue jeans, a grey t-shirt and his burgundy red hoodie. He was about to walk over and put on his converse when he saw six pair of converse standing at the bottom of the closet. Red, black, green, burgundy red, white and blue, all in Cas' size and he gazed at them. Be bent down and picked up one of the red ones, they were real. He placed it back down and still slipped into his old ones, he liked them better, they were comfortable.
Back in the living room he saw Dean sitting with his head in his hands, shaking it, mumbling something that Castiel couldn't make out. He carefully walked over and Dean's head shot up and he greeted Cas with a smile.
"Ready to go?"
Cas nodded and Dean stood up, he was wearing a pair of worn out jeans, a grey t-shirt, a green shirt and now he put on his brown leather jacket. Castiel looked at him and wondered why he was wearing that many layers of clothing. He shook his head and followed Dean out the apartment door.
It was Saturday and the sun was shining bright. It was also very, very hot, so Cas had to take off his hoodie, revealing his arms and Dean couldn't stop staring. Something that made Cas feel a little uncomfortable and he wasn't quite sure how to react, so he just smiled at Dean, who bit his lip before smiling back. During this smile exchanging Cas managed to trip over a bag, land face first on the pavement and dragging Dean with him while he was at it. They both laid on the ground, first groaning in pain and Cas checked his nose for blood, when he found out he was clean he looked at Dean who was sitting next to him and both men couldn't help but laugh. Dean was quick on his feet and helped Castiel up.
"That must have been quite a sight hu?" he asked Castiel and Cas nodded, still holding his nose, it really hurt and he was sure it was broken. Dean took notice and placed his hand on Cas back asking "are you okay?"
Cas shook his head and removed his hand from his nose "I think it's broken".
Dean looked at Cas' nose before smiling and giving it a careful kiss before saying "It looks fine".
"Are you sure?" Cas asked and Dean nodded.
"But if you want to we can go get it checked out"
Cas shook his head no and Dean laughed, shaking his head and then he gazed into Cas' blue eyes. Castiel looked back into those hypnotic hazel green eyes and he felt the butterflies awaken again. He couldn't get rid of them, they were permanent.
"Dean?" Cas said after he had been gazing at him for at least five minutes and Dean shook his head and blinked a few times, before he started walking without saying a single word.
Castiel just stood there and watched as Dean walked away, before slowly jogging after him until he was caught up and then he walked next to a visible confused and slightly annoyed Dean. Castiel wanted to ask what was wrong, but he thought it was best if he just kept quiet.
It didn't take long before Dean decided they should go back to the apartment, something must have really annoyed him and Castiel was afraid it was something he had done. Dean walked over to the big window and looked out. He had his hands placed on his lower back, palms pointed out, the left hand over the right. He looked so formal, except for the outfit. Cas pictures Dean standing like that in a suit and he bit his bottom lip before carefully walking towards his bedroom, Dean looked like he wanted to be alone.
"Where do you think you're going?" Dean asked, with a cold and monotone voice.
Cas stopped and swallowed, he looked down at the floor as he said "My bedroom"
"Did I tell you to?"
"N-no but-"
"Then don't!" Dean snapped and Castiel jumped a little and lowered his head even more.
"Okay" Cas said and Dean turned around and pointed one finger at Castiel,
"Don't talk back to me unless I ask you a question, understood?"
Cas was very unsure about what to do now, should he reply, should he not? He lifted his head slightly and looked at Dean, who was very angry, before looking out the window, still unsure about what to do.
"Understood?" Dean said in a voice Cas had never heard, it was so hard, so cold, so angry and it frightened Castiel.
Cas did what he knew Dean liked and nodded and he saw Dean walk over to him, slow and steady. Castiel had his arms hanging down on each side of his body and his shoulders were tense. This was the first time he had been really afraid of Dean, no terrified, and he started to think maybe the old man at the bookstore had been right after all. Dean was now standing right in front of him and he lifted a hand up to Cas' face making him flinch.
"What?" Dean said and placed his hand on Cas' cheek "Oh, baby, I'm not going to hurt you if that was what you were thinking".
Castiel looked into Dean's eyes, they were still angry, but his voice was soft and calm again, just like Cas liked it. Cas leaned into Dean's hand, closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"I'm not angry with you" Dean said and placed his forehead on Cas' "I'm angry with myself".
Cas opened his eyes and looked straight into Dean's eyes, looking back and forth between them. "Why?"
Dean let go of Cas face and turned around to walk away. He again wiped his mouth and Cas knew he was stressed. It didn't take long to learn the gestures people would do in certain situation if you spent enough time with them.
"Because" Dean said and sat down at the couch, supporting his elbows at his thighs.
"That's not a reason" Cas snapped and Dean looked at him.
"Go to your room!" Dean commanded and he didn't have to tell Cas twice.
Cas slammed the door and jumped onto his bed, screaming into his pillow, like some frustrated sixteen year old girl. He wrapped his hands around the pillow and dug his face into it. Dean was so frustrating. He would never tell Cas anything, he full of secrets and Cas wanted to know every single one of them, but Dean wouldn't let him. Something had happened in Dean's past making him emotionally constipated and Cas wanted to know what. He wanted to know what had broken Dean so he could glue him back together. Fix him, piece by piece and then they could be together for real, but for him to do so, he needed to know Dean's past and there was no way Dean was going to give him that much. He turned around on his back and gazed at the ceiling.
"I heard you scream into your pillow" he heard Dean said and he quickly sat up, glaring at Dean. Dean's hands, who had been crossed over his chest, fell to his sides and he leaned back up from the doorframe, looking down while walking over to Cas and placing himself on the bed.
Neither said anything, they were just staring at each other for a long time and Castiel's butterflies went crazy. He couldn't be angry at Dean for long, it was just not possible, not with a face and eyes like that. He hated being in love with Dean because he knew Dean would never love him back. It was heart breaking, but he had decided to enjoy Dean for as long as he could and he wouldn't let any chance pass him by, so Cas moved closer to Dean and when their faces was only inches away Cas whispered "I'm ready".
"W-what?" Dean moved away a little and looked at Cas with big eyes "No you're not"
"Yes I am"
Dean sighed, "no you're not!"
Cas moved closer to Dean "how do you know?"
"I just do, Cas. I just do"
"Try me!" Castiel whispered in the most seductive voice he could and Dean swallowed.
"Are you sure?"
Castiel nodded and Dean stood up from the bed, Castiel following quickly after.
"Bedroom then?" Cas asked and Dean shook his head.
"Oh no, baby, not the bedroom"
Cas felt a shiver dance up his spine and moved out in his arms. If they weren't using the bedroom, what room would they use? His? The living room? Bathroom? Cas swallowed hard and Dean gave him a crocked smile.
"See you're not ready. You're terrified" Dean said and moved closer to Castiel.
"I am!"
Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head "You're impossible."
"I'm sorry" Cas looked down and Dean used his hand to lift it back up.
"Don't be" he smiled at Castiel and then let his hand slide down to his and he took a grip around hit "Come with me"
Cas nodded and Dean lead him out from the room, past the couch in the living room and over to a bookshelf placed next to the fridge. Castiel hadn't noticed it before and now he found it odd having a bookshelf next to the fridge. Dean winked at Cas and let go of his hand, before placing both of his hands on the oddly placed bookshelf and pulled it out from the wall, revealing a black door and the blood in Castiel's veins froze. What was behind that door?
Dean kept his eyes on Cas while he took a firm grip around the handle and slowly opening the door, revealing a true nightmare. Cas slowly walked inside and eyed the place. The walls were white, but all the furniture was black, just like his office, but there weren't office furniture, no. In the middle of the room there was a big black bed with blood red sheets and black pillows, on the east wall there was a black dresser and on the west wall there was a table. Roped were hanging from the roof and some sort of swing that Cas had never seen. The lightning in the room was dark and the whole room just screamed danger.
He felt Dean's hand wrap around his waist and he felt a pair of lips on his neck, softly kissing it, causing Cas to moan, but he quickly snapped back to reality and pushed himself away from Dean and looked at him with a terrified face.
"This?" Cas almost yelled "Is this what I said yes too?"
Dean nodded and leaned against the door frame. Cas wiped his mouth, suddenly they had changed gestures or maybe they had just spent so much time together they had started copying the other. Cas walked around the room, pulling his hair. He couldn't believe it. He knew Dean was dangerous, but this. A black room, that looked like hell, in his white apartment, that looked and felt like heaven. This was unbelievable. Black, for concentration, he needed to concentrate while doing this. That's how serious it is, Cas thought and wiped his whole face with the palm on his hand before turning around to face Dean.
"Are you serious?"
"Dead serious" Dean said and walked into the room, "but you didn't want this, so we'll remove them soon" he pointed at the ropes and the weird looking swing.
"Good" Cas answered and crossed his arms over his chest "any way we can remove this whole room soon as well?"
Dean shook his head and laughed "No".
"This is not happening Dean, you could have shown me this first" Cas growled and Dean obviously didn't like that because he narrowed his eyebrows and walked fast over to Castiel, who suddenly felt very small.
"Then leave! I'm not going to hold you back!" Dean snarled "I told you, you're not ready!"
Cas rolled his eyes "No one will ever be ready for this Dean" he said as he turned around "I'll be gone in a few minutes".
Saying that sentence broke his heart and he had a hard time holding back his tears as he walked back into his bedroom and threw his bag on the bed and walked over to the closet to get his clothes, the once he brought with him, and placed them in the bag before zipping it up and throwing it over his shoulder. He walked out in the living room and saw Dean standing at the front door, arms crossed and one leg placed up on the wall behind him. Castiel walked over to the door and placed his hand on the door handle, giving Dean one last look, this was probably the last time he was ever going to see Dean.
"Do you have to go?" Dean asked, voice calm and soft.
"What? Yes!" Cas said and Dean nodded.
"As you wish"
Cas let go of the handle and turned his body to face Dean.
"I can't do that" Cas said "It's too much"
"I understand" Dean's hands fell to his side and he placed his foot on the floor, pushing himself from the wall "It was nice meeting you Castiel".
"It was nice meeting you too Dean" Cas replied and opened the door "Will I ever see you again?"
Dean shook his hand, placing his hand around the door "I doubt it".
Cas looked down and walked out into the hallway.
"Unless you get the internship of course" Cas turned around and looked at Dean who was smiling at him "Good luck"
Cas nodded "Thank you" and then the door closed and Cas was sting there, looking at the black door, 317. He took a deep breath and headed towards the elevator.
Cas unlocked his apartment door and sighed before opening it and quickly closing it, afraid he would run back to Dean if it was open for too long. He leaned his head against the door and let his tears flow. He had just made the biggest mistake in his whole life, but it was the right thing to do. He could never have done anything in that room with Dean. It was just sick. The image of the room was burned into Cas' mind and there was no way it would ever be erased, just like everything else with Dean. His calm and soft voice, his laughter, his hypnotizing hazel green eyes, the way he felt against Cas' body, inside Cas' body. He had fallen in love with a man he could never fully get, a messed up man, and this was the prize he had to pay. He was so deep into his own thoughts that he didn't notice Anna behind him before he eventually turned around.
"Castiel? What's wrong?"
Cas dried his tears and headed for his bedroom, not answering Anna's question. He closed the door and threw himself onto his bed, his small, lonely bed. The tears started flowing again and he sobbed into his pillow, feeling the madras move followed by a hand stroking his back.
"Is it Dean? Did he hurt you?" Anna asked concerned and Cas turned around, sitting up, back against the wall. He shook his head and dried his tears again, which was no use, because new ones ran down.
"W-we... Broke up" Cas voice cracked and Anna pulled him in for a hug.
"I'm so sorry Cas" Anna said and Cas cried into her shoulder "Is there anything I can do?"
He shook his head and Anna held him tighter.
"I hate seeing you like this" she said and Cas pulled away, giving her a weak halfhearted smile.
"You don't have to smile for me Cas, juts cry if that is what you need" she removed some hair from his forehead and stroke it back in place and she stroke her hand thought all his hair, letting her hand rest on his neck.
"Let's order some pizza and watch a movie" she said tilting her head a bit and Cas looked away, taking a deep breath, before nodding, which caused more tears to flow and Anna gave him one more hug.
"Thank you" Cas sobbed and Anna stroke his back.
"Don't thank me" she stated "You've been there for me so many times and now it's my time to be here for you"
Cas placed her hands around Anna and hugged her tight, "you're a good friend".
Later that night, Cas and Anna was sitting on the couch, eating pizza and just talking. They never found a movie they wanted to see so they ended up talking. Anna of course avoiding talking about Dean, something Cas was thankful for. He really didn't want to talk about him.
"Well" Anna suddenly said "I should get to bed and so should you, you need some sleep Cas"
Cas nodded in agreement and placed the pizza crust he was holding back in the box before Anna closed it and carried it out to the kitchen.
"Goodnight Cas" Anna said before he closed the door and laid down in bed. He was just staring up at the ceiling until he eventually fell asleep, Dean consuming his entire mind. He dreamt about Dean that night.
Castiel made his way through all the students, trying not be late for his first class. It was Monday. Anna and Cas had spent the whole Sunday in their apartment, doing nothing but talk. They made plans for the summer, they were going to a festival, they were going to travel, they made plans to see the whole world. School would be over soon and finals were right around the corner, so Cas had no time thinking about Dean. He had to focus, he couldn't fail. He stopped to fix the grip on his books and then he noticed that everyone was staring at him. He looked around, everyone's eyes were glued at Castiel and he started walking, very insecure, while holding his books even closer to his chest. He saw Adam making his way through all the people, waving at Castiel.
"Cas. Cas!" he yelled and Castiel stopped.
"What?"
"Why didn't you tell me?" Adam asked and Castiel gave him a confused look.
"Tell you what?"
"That you're gay!" He exclaimed and Castiel dropped his book. His head suddenly felt heavy and the room around him started spinning. He fell on his knees and Adam was quick to bow down.
"Hey! Man, are you okay?" he asked.
Castiel heard him, but it felt as if Adam was standing on the other side of the room. Castiel felt very small and squeezed his eyes shut. This wasn't happening. How did he know? Was this why everyone was staring at him? Did everyone know?
When Castiel came to his senses he saw that he was in the nurse's office and he looked around. He saw Adam and Anna sitting at each their chair at the west wall and the nurse was writing something on her computer. She turned her chair and walked over to Castiel.
"How are you feeling Castiel?" she asked with a soft voice.
Castiel just looked at her, unable to speak. He had everything in his mind, but his mouth wouldn't form them and let them escape through his lips. The nurse sighed and looked over at Adam and Anna.
"What happened?" she asked and Adam wiped his hands on his thighs.
"I just asked him why he hadn't told me that he was gay and he just blacked out" Adam said and Cas snapped his head in his direction.
"How did you know?" he snapped and jumped at his own voice. "Did you tell him Anna?"
"No!" She shook her head and stood up "I didn't Cas, I promise, but I know why he knows"
"How?!"
Anna looked at the nurse "Can I borrow your computer?"
The nurse nodded and Anna gestured for Cas to come join her, he did and Anna opened Google and typed in: Dean Winchester and boyfriend.
Castiel felt his heart fall in his chest, but when he saw the article Anna opened, it stopped beating. The headline said
DEAN WINCHESTER GAY? SPOTED HAND IN HAND WITH A YOUNG MAN.
Castiel placed one hand on his head as he read.
The past weeks, the famous CEO Dean Winchester (25), has been spotted hand in hand with an unknown man. Witnesses have said they have seen them kiss on several occasions.
Castiel moved his hand down to his chest, he had to make sure his heart was still there and then he saw the pictures, and he felt as if he was going to die on the post.
There was one of them on the beach, holding hands.
One of them walking into a restaurant, wearing suits.
One of them walking hand in hand, in Kansas. The caption saying: Dean Winchester and boyfriend on vacation in Dean's hometown.
And one of them in Dean's car, both smiling.
Castiel felt dizzy again and had to sit down at the bed again. He placed his head in his hands and shook it.
"No, no, no" he said as he started pulling his hair. He felt Anna's hand on his back and he looked up.
"Castiel, it's going to be okay" she said and rested her head on his shoulder.
Adam coughed and Cas looked at him, it was visible that he was unsure of what do to. Anna waved her hand for him to sit down next to Cas, so he did, placing one hand on his back and stroking it.
"This..." Cas said and let his head fall back into his head. "I need to get home".
Castiel jumped off the bed and stormed out from the office, this wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. He knew where this was going. He couldn't face Dean again. Not after what happened on Saturday. What was he going to say? What was Dean going to say? "My life, is over!".