Haven- 21
"...high up above or down below, when you're too in love to let it go. but if you never try then you'll never know just what you're worth.."
Harry.
Over a year and a half ago, Louis Tomlinson was my first friend.
Of course, that was when I first got to Harvard. When I was fresh out of the small world of high school, and desperate to make something of me and the world around me.
A few months ago I would've never been able to thank Louis enough for single handedly being the reason for my renowned social status. A few months ago I would have owed him everything. A few months ago he was the thread that held my pitiful life together. Booze. Girls. Parties.
I still don't recount the real reason I ever stopped my engraved ways like that. Cold turkey. And I don't think I'd be able to explain it to someone. It was one of those times times where you wake up on a lonely Monday morning thinking into your cold sheets, "That was it. I've had my fun and now I have nothing to look forward to until the next weekend; the next party."
And I thought to myself, what kind of person does that make me?
I wanted something more substantial for myself. I wanted something-- someone-- that would bring out the person I wanted to outshine. Because I knew he was in there somewhere deep, somewhere unattainable to my own motives. And whether that made me too hopeful; too full on the thought of someone wanting me in a way only the movies described, then I was willing to admit to it.
It was the single best decision I'd made in my life.
I found Ella because of it.
And now, staring across the room, hands occupied with shot glasses and coins, I took in the man that was once someone I wanted to be.
My stomach churned uncomfortably. Turning to Ella, I said, "Would you hate me if we left now?"
She laughed but her face pinched in question. "I wouldn't hate you. Is that what you want to do?"
"Very much so." If we left now, we'd be home in half an hour tops, we'd get under the covers or snuggle on my couch, and essentially wipe my mind from even seeing Louis again. That was ideal.
"Alright." She shrugged like the good-natured person she was. She took a hold of my hand. "We'll go."
"Whoa, did I just hear that right, Styles?" Stopping in my tracks, I turned to the familiar, deceiving face. I pulled Ella behind me protectively. "Leaving early? Since when was that your MO, mate?"
We're not mates. "Have shit to do," I said shortly.
"Shit to do, or chicks to do?" He winked, and before I denied his filthy words with an asinine comment, he continued derogatorily, "Haven't seen you around in a long fucking time. What's with that? You drop off the planet or some shit?"
Instinctively, I squeezed Ella's hand tighter, hating that she even had to hear this conversation; hated that she was even in his line of sight.
I went so quickly from honoring the guy to, for lack of a better term, despising his guts. The people surrounding me with red cups in their hands and flirty smiles on their faces would disown my existence if they knew I loathed the one person they loved.
The New Me found the idea of laughing hysterically at the Old Me increasingly more appealing by the second.
As much of a coward as it made me, I replied the only way I wanted to: tiredly; resigned. "Was nice seeing you, Louis."
Louis' head tilted back in weathered shock. His entire stature changed, becoming less and less approachable. I knew enough about Louis Tomlinson to know it was the start of a defensive come-back. "That's it? That's fucking it, after everything I've done for you?"
Knowing this was coming, his risen tone didn't surprise me. "I appreciated you, Louis." I didn't. I really fucking didn't. "But I've moved on to better things."
He scoffed. "Better things? What the--" It was when he finally tilted his head enough to see Ella behind me, bringing me back to reality. Fuuuuck. "This?" He asked, pointing to her. "This is your 'better thing'?"
Yes. "I don't know how else to put it to you," I said tightly, only minutely aware that my grip on Ella's hand had to be getting painful. "I'm fucking done."
"You think you're fucking done?" He spat. We were becoming a spectacle now in the crowded room. "You don't just get to walk away from shit like this quietly, Styles. You're making me look like a goddamn fool for taking you under my wing, and I won't have it."
I swallowed. Heat rose from my stomach to my neck, warming me to a sizzle. I tried being diplomatic, but I was over that. "You won't have it? Listen to yourself, Louis. You're acting like me growing up-- wanting better for myself-- is some sort of crime. Are you fucking serious?"
"Harry," Ella whispered into my shoulder.
"No," I said louder this time, taking a short step closer to the cold blue eyes I detested. "I'm done, okay? Fucking done. Take a long look at your surroundings, Louis. This is all you'll ever know if you continue down the path you're taking. I hope you're okay with that." And even louder, I looked around at the shocked faces watching the cinematic show before them, "I hope you're all okay with that."
"Let's go," I muttered to Ella, unable to look at her face. In my path to the front door, I recognized the unmistakeable face of Vanessa leaning in the corner with her imaginary popcorn, sneer locked in place. When our eyes locked, her supressed anger broke free within her eyes.
This was not my night.
Because with a scary recognition, I remembered one key ingredient in the soap opera I called my life. Vanessa, with the matching blue eyes and smile, was Louis' sister.
And I was fucked.
As I pulled Ella in the opposite direction, taking a detour to the next of countless exits in Greg's home, I prayed she hadn't seen the woman that nearly brought us to an end. Or worse, was disgusted with the conversation she had to hear between Louis and I. Right now, neither of the scenarios sounded okay with me.
"Harry."
Unintentionally ignoring Ella, I continued hurriedly to my car, my pace fast.
"Harry, please. Slow down."
Finally, we reached our destination. My mind was buzzing and I couldn't form a coherent thought. Not when my worst nightmare stared back at me only minutes ago. I loathed who I had been, and I couldn't express that loudly enough. I abominated the very idea that Ella would eventually catch on from the details slipped tonight by not only Louis, but me. If she even started to realize how undeserving I was of her understanding ways, she'd drop me like a fly.
And I wasn't ready to let go of her. I'd never be ready.
Turning around, I pulled Ella to me, trapping her between myself and the side of my car. The black paint job was a stark, acute contrast to the white of her dress and the blue of her eyes. I wanted to remember this moment forever not for the party I had dumbly agreed to attend, but rather for the beauty I had acquired deep in my soul from the person in front of me.
Letting her hand free, I cupped her cheeks instead and bent to press a hard kiss to her lips, uncaring of everything except her. "I'm sorry," I whispered tightly. "I hate that you didn't have fun, and I fucking hate that you had to hear that."
"Harry--"
"I hate myself, Ella. Whenever you're not with me I feel like I'll drown and I fucking hate it." I rested my forearms on the tinted window behind her her, caging her and stepping as close as I could. "You don't realize just how much you mean to me." I coughed through the crack in my voice, "I just want to go back to the dorm and hold you, okay?"
"Harry," she said, louder this time. Finally, I took the time to study her features. She looked shocked above nothing else. Amazement and curiosity shone in her expressive eyes but I found no judgement. "Don't shut me out, babe, please. You need to talk about what just happened in there. We left early without even saying goodbye to Niall--"
"Please," I interuppted with a sudden sour taste in my mouth at the mention of Niall. "Don't..." What was I denying exactly?
"You've been running from your demons ever since I've known you Harry, I can see it. Please just trust me enough to talk to me about this. Whatever it is."
"I do trust you," I said firmly.
"Okay," she replied quietly.
I finally understood the emotion and weight underneath her plead. She was asking for a piece of myself. Just a small piece of the truth I've been hiding by omission. I could give her that.
I will give her that.
"Spend the night with me," I mumbled, staring at her lips, suddenly finding her eyes too personal. "I'll talk. But please just..."
"I know."
I nodded, mute. Backing up reluctantly, I shifted away to open her door. She slipped in with a small 'thank you'. It was more than I deserved; she was more than I deserved.
And tonight, I'd tell her what she wanted to know. I'd hand over the rest of me, to match the heart she already held in her unknowing hands.
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Unlocking the door to my dorm, I swung it open and allowed Ella through first. The entire ride home I stopped at every yellow light, drove under the speed limit, and found any excuse to delay the inevitable. Like most days, my thoughts weren't neatly organized. I tried, I really fucking tried to think of a way I could tell Ella about my old habits without scaring her away. The past that was still so recent, it hardly felt like the past.
Making a bee-line for the mini bar, I stopped short at the sight of Kane standing with his back to me. Upon hearing me, he turned around. "Hey, bro."
I nodded in reply. In my peripheral, I watched Ella get comfortable on my couch. "Do you think you could give us some privacy, mate?" I asked him.
"Yeah, 'course. Was just gonna hit the sack anyways," he said, turning to leave with a pat on my shoulder.
I stepped forward and gripped the edge of the counter, tightening my fingers until my knuckles were white. I stared at them, taking large breathes and talking myself through a small pep-talk.
As ready as I'd ever be, I finally forced my legs to move to the couch.
"Was that Kane?" Was the first thing she asked me.
That I could answer. "Yeah."
"Haven't seen him in a while," she said, picking at the edge of her dress with her hands. A nervous habit. Fuck, she didn't need to be nervous for this. Only one of us was allowed to feel nervous.
"Baby," I mumbled, scooting closer. "You can start asking questions now." Please just say you've changed your mind and want me to hold you.
She looked at a point behind my shoulder. "What was that Louis guy talking about tonight? When he said he took you under his wing."
For a first question, she really knew how to skip to the point. I took a deep breath. "I was, uh... I was obviously fresh out of high school when I got here my freshman year. I was still this naive little kid who thought the world revolved around simple statistics and simple people. Coming to Harvard made my parents proud-- they'd always wanted a good future for me-- but when I got here, I mixed in with the wrong crowd." Unable to make eye contact any longer, I stared at the upholstery on the couch. Collecting my thoughts, I continued, "Louis was my first friend. And as far as first friends go, I thought he was the best kind. Cool, funny, popular. He had all the in's and out's of this place, and I just wanted to fit in. I think you know where this is going, but I'll say it anyways. Louis bargained to invite me to parties, he let me hang out with him and his friends, he allowed me to shadow his actions for months until I'd built up the reputation I was proud of.
"Was, being the key word. After freshman year, that summer I went home on break. I spent some time with my family with my little brother and my older sister, and I realized something. I realized that I wanted something for myself that didn't involve the life Louis created for me. Because it wasn't a life I made. It was his, and I began to hate it. Fucking despise it, Ella. I wanted more than the constant circle of girls and liqour." At that, I met her eyes again. I hated that she wasn't looking at me. I hated that she found it more comforting to watch the wall behind me, eyes glazed. I coughed into my fist. "And so, I stopped. I stopped going to parties, I stopped hanging out around Louis and the friends he had. I figured I'd had my fun, and I learned from it. I didn't want to settle myself too deep into something so meaningless...so self depreciating."
Ella's gaze traveled back to me, slowly. I could gather nothing from the features she displayed. They were blank. She was silent.
"Ella," I whispered. "You have to know that I'm... I'm done with that shit. I'm over it, I really am."
"I know," she said hoarsely.
I sucked in a breath through my teeth. "Please don't hate me because of it. I promise to give you everything you deserve. I won't let you regret being my girlfriend."
Her eyebrows pulled in, and she finally let emotion show. "I don't-- I could never regret--" She took a deep breath, her mouth parted. "I'm so proud of you."
What? "What?"
She let her lips lift into a smile, and I nearly passed out. "You're brave for doing what you did, Harry. For leaving like that, and doing better for yourself. You should never forget just how good of a person that makes you."
"Holy shit," I whispered. I couldn't stop my hands from reaching out and cupping her neck, capturing strands of her soft hair between my fingers. "You don't hate me," it was more of a statement than a question.
"You could kill my pet turtle and I still wouldn't be able to hate you, Harry." She laughed. "Thought you knew that by now."
"You don't have a turtle," I said dumbly, still eyeing her in awe.
"True," she conceded smiling.
Holy fuck, that smile did things to me. "Do you have any more questions?" I asked tentatively. I really fucking hoped she didn't because I needed to kiss her like I needed to breath.
"I only asked one," she said slowly. "But no."
I smiled, leaning in until my lips brushed hers. "I'm going to kiss you now."
"Okay."
"And I'll probably keep kissing you all night until your lips are numb."
"Fantastic."
"And then we're cuddling because I love it when we cuddle."
"Wouldn't want it any other way."
"Glad we're on the same page." I grinned, pressing my mouth to hers.
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"...lights will guide you home... and ignite your bones, and i will try to fix you..." -coldplay
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guys! holy poop im so sorry this is crazy late, especially since i left you with a mean cliffhanger in the last chappie. and this is barely edited so be easy on me lol i just wanted to upload it bc its late and my eyes are tired and im pooped.
BUT i got a puppy for my birthday and i have only found time to write like literally while she's sleeping (which is barely lol) so i apologize that ive been horrible. also, thank you for your birthday wishes-- it means a lot :))
i really appreciate your continuous support on this book and i really frickin love you all so much it hurts and i really hope you enjoyed this chapter and the look into harrys past and yeeeeeeaaah.
i will not set any guarantees on the next chapter but i do have it planned out so hopefully it wont take long to write and upload :D
vote and comment if youre feelin cool I LOVE YOU :)