I had allowed two days to myself. Getting my life together, getting the house sorted out. I went to the shops, grocery shopping, found a lad to help sell the house. I was packing my belongings, ready to go back to Romania.
I wanted to stay, don't get me wrong, I really fucking wanted to stay. Truly, the only thing keeping me was a taken man. How was I going to stay when Tommy was here, Christ, his face was in my mind already. I can only imagine bumping into him and his wife, it'll be incredibly unbearable.
I dreamt deeply of him. I was hot when I awoken, even though the room was cold. I dreamt of all of him, his lips, his voice, his tongue, his hands, those eyes. Everything.
But that's all I could do if I stay, is miss him and dream of him. So, Romania was where I needed to be, back to where I could heal. Back to my roots, back to the beach, the quiet.
I knew he was arriving today, on this fine Wednesday morning. I knew Tommy Shelby woke up, thinking about me. I knew he sat in his bed; with her laying sound asleep. I knew he ran his hand over his face, he thought tirelessly about me. He ate, he thought about me. He took his cigarette out of his carton, he thought about me.
He had plans today. Tommy was to drive to his office, get work done before finding himself outside of my house. I could feel a tension in his body as he stormed up my fathers house. He was enraged! Livid.
With me?
The past two days drew him astray, Tommy Shelby was always in denial of my abilities until being able to transfer my anger onto him the night of my fathers wake. I sent a shock from my body to his. I didn't mean it, but I also did. After all, I had just witnessed him and his wife having sex.
So, to hear him bang on my front door, filled with so much rage, I felt quite astonished. I had finished peeling carrots for the beasts that were waiting out in the backward when I yanked open the front door.
"Why the fuck did I hear that you're looking to sell the house?"
"Christ." I roll my eyes, ready to shut the door on his annoying-but-adorable face.
He puts his hand on the door and holds it in place, preventing me from shutting the door. "I'm not done with you."
I laugh, walking into my house. I don't realize it only forces him into my home. I march to the kitchen, where I chuck a few goodies into a basket that is looped around my arm.
"Where are you going? Why are you selling the house?" He looks around, Thomas is upset. I've seen this reaction many times, but he was always mad at someone else. Not me.
"I'm selling the house because there is nothing left here for me, Tom."
"Nothing left here for you?" He asks, frozen.
I stare at him, his attire. The perfect suit he wears, fitting him perfectly. Where is my sweet Tommy in all of that? I swallow, my throat aching. "Yes."
"What about me?" He takes a step towards me. "Jesus, Bria, enough with the running. I love you!"
Love! Chucking a few carrots into my basket, I wag one at him. I meet his eyes, cold, tired. "Oh! That's rich coming from you considering the events that took place on my fathers wake."
He rids himself of the emotions he shows on his face for a beat. Tommy goes back to the reason he's here, "You'll not sell this house."
"Ey?! And who the hell are you to tell me what I will or will not do?!" I ask, walking to the backdoor.
"You can't break my heart again, Bria."
"Have you ever even considered what you're doing to that woman. That woman you call your wife?" I ask, turning around to face him. "Hmmm?"
"She knows we're more than friends."
Bullshit. "You're a terrible liar."
"Well, she'll know today. I'll tell her today."
Bullshit! "You're still a terrible liar." I tell him before opening the door, I step down the patio seeing the farm animals. Damn things need to be fed way too many times for me. I mean, I don't do anything between feeding times but they're far too much to maintain.
Thomas takes a few mint leaves from the makeshift garden dad had set up. He chews on them. His chewing always bothered me, he was always so polite with everything he did, but when it came to chewing, he couldn't control himself.
"We could start a life together. Here." He mentions the land dad owns.
I begin with the chickens, giving them a handful of seeds dad had left and labeled for them. I was thankful to him for that, animals really were never my thing. I don't know anything about these animals. The chickens go wild for the food, so I throw in another handful.
"You're over feeding them." Thomas hums.
I ignore him, moving onto the sheep. I gather a bit of their food as well. The maintenance behind it all is quite maddening.
"I wouldn't erase any of it, Bria." He tells me calmly. "I can't just not see you again. Listen to me, I can't, I can't go on again without you."
He reaches for me, but I pull away.
"I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't do anything without thinkin' about you." He doesn't pull away. "I never knew I needed someone like I do you."
"Stop." I beg.
"I know," He whispers, taking a slow step towards me. "I know this ain't right, Bria. But I'm made for you, and you're made for me. Please, ey, don't go."
I get lost in the sight of his eyes. I can't go on again without you. His words manage to push me off of the train I was on, heading back to the ships. I had fallen in love with him so fast, it was effortless and easy. Why can't I just fall out of love, as quickly.
I snap out of it, remembering everything. His lips on her neck, him undoing his pants.
"I'm leaving, and you can't stop me. I am leaving. For my sanity, and for the sake of your union."
"Fuck my union, fuck your sanity-" He reaches for my body and kisses my lips fast. I pull myself back pushing him back from me. "Fuck it!" He tells me.
"What are you doing?!" I storm towards the horses. I need to finish feeding these animals, go into the house and find dads shotgun to chase away this lunatic.
"Showing you I love you."
"You sicken me." I scoff, rolling my eyes as Tommy trails after me. He follows me, really breathing down my neck as I toss food over the gate to the chickens and then I move onto the full horses, dads went against keeping the ponies and bought three horses. I get carrots out of my basket, ready to feed them.
I raise an eyebrow, feeding one of the horses who literally yanks the carrot from my mouth, I'm quick to pull my hand back as well. I turn to Tommy after thinking I saw a smirk, and can confirm he is, in fact, smirking at me.
He leans against the fence that divides us from the beasts. My eyes kind of bulge out of my head seeing him so close to them.
"You still hate horses, ey, Bria?" Thomas is amuses, toying with me.
"Don't talk to me like that." I state.
"Like what?" He scoffs now and it enrages me.
"Like we're friends." I raise my head, turning to the next horse and feed it as well. "We aren't friends, in case you've forgotten that."
"No, we're soulmates, I believe it's called."
D'awwwwww. "You're being weird." I hate that I'm trying to hide my grin. Fuck.
"So are you."
"How?" I giggle.
"How?! Because you're acting like I actually love her. Because you and I both know, my wife was going to fuckin' search the room unless I gave her what she wanted!" He laughs at me. "You know, I thought you were more smart to take it that way."
"That's not the point. Y-You enjoyed yourself, and then you said terrible things about me Thomas, things that hurt me!" I begin, before realizing how fucking pathetic I sound. I take a deep breath, shutting my eyes before telling him. "I don't see the point in arguing about this. The house is being sold, and I'm leaving. It's final."
I step away from him, back to the house. Thankful I've gotten my duties for the next few hours done. I pull open the backyard door and put the basket away before washing my hands.
"Are we going to talk about how you zapped me?" His voice echos throughout the house. "That was fucking mad!"
"I know." I walk towards the living room, setting a fire in the fireplace. "Sorry about that."
He follows me, "What if I go with you?"
"What?"
"To Romania,"
"Thomas." I turn and look at him, "Shut up."
I hear his laugh and I manage to break into a smile myself. He still has that over me, my emotions. My heart. "When are you leaving me?"
"The second the house is sold." I shift, wishing he'd just go.
He stares at me, so stoic I almost think he froze in time. Without another word, he marches to the large living room table, shoves his hand into his jacket pocket and slams a handful of cash against the table.
"It's sold." He darts his eyes at me, lifeless and cold. Thomas blinks, his eyes crystallized, glossy. Hurt. "Now go!" He points right at the door.
"Thomas-"
"You need to leave." He instructs. "Bria."
"You're being ridiculous, Thomas."
But instead, he storms right up to me and points at me. "You ripped my fucking heart out the second you disappeared and for you to come back. Only to-" He looks like he wants to hurt me, his eyes widen and he grits his teeth so hard I hold my breath. "Only for you to leave me again." He seizes, and blinks a tear.
"Leaving you hurt me too!" I snap, screaming now at the man I once had nothing but love for. I had my mind set on marrying Tommy Shelby. Fire pops between us, I stand mighty and tall, not allowing myself to fold. "Seeing you marry her! Seeing you there, holding her hand, making these vows to her that I thought you were going to make to me!"
"She could have been you." He sounds disgusted. "But you allowed a bad dream of me to get the better of us." He takes one step towards me. "Do you know how much pain you've brought me?"
I take a step back, a subconscious thing that I have learned to develop over the course of me being back in Birmingham. He who was once a man of very little words and even littler feelings seems to give me everything he's ever had. Thomas sinks to his knees, defeated. He wraps his arms around the backs of legs, pours his heart out to me. I am quick to my knees, the both of us in shambles over the unforgiving loss of each other. The true love I've allowed to wilt away, for so many years.
"Stop." I begin to weep. "Jesus, Thomas, please."
I know the pain I've caused him because I've felt it. Inside of me, basking in its glory for years. While I was away in Romania, Thomas was taken by the war. 'Twas the only thing that could occupy his mind, the war brought back a different man. One more dark and lost. Even though everyone thinks the Tommy they knew before the war is dead. I can see bits of good of him still living, the most painful thing is that I know the only person that can free his mind is me.
"Help me." He murmurs, slowly easing into me. "Help me. I-I need you."
I close my eyes, our limbs folding together. Tommy and I, sitting by the fire. It starts with me, my fingers dance over his cheekbones, where his tears flow like a stream. My fingers pad over the smooth skin, his eyes are a beautiful blue. Surrounded by a sea of white. He looks so handsome, I almost stop breathing.
I entangle my fingers now, into his hair. Our eyes meeting, our noses brushing. I am sat in his lap, his hands rest on my legs, slowing making its way up my body. I want him, my entire body craves every inch of this man. I want him.
I swallow, knowing mothers words went against all that I'm doing. Thomas and I though, how can I push him away?