Thanksgiving was a whirl of chaos and coexisting, and when we finally sat down to eat at five, there were eleven of us; Halley, Leif, my mother, my brother Noah, Joey, Charlotte, Nate, Shiloh, Jasper, Hank, and me. It was surprising as always that it only took half an hour to eat all the food that had taken the entire day to prepare.
Our estranged brother Noah had arrived a little after noon, and was the center of attention. Being such wasn't exactly his thing, but he put up with it good naturedly. Our mother especially was fascinated by him, another one of her stranger sons. Even our father came over from next door for awhile.
Shiloh recognized a fellow genius and engaged him in conversations spanning literal galaxies when she realized he worked for NASA. Jasper was overwhelmed by all the people and spent most of the day next door with Ruby, and the rest of it under the kitchen table. Hank, on the other hand, was in his element, the joyful little extrovert.
Joey, Char, and Nate were inclusive toward our brother after the initial awkwardness of not knowing each other. Joey and Noah talked on the phone a few times a month but being together in person was of course different.
Our mother finally left after we ate and Halley and I went out on the porch to spark a joint. The teens joined us and we didn't protest; I knew it wasn't the most parental thing to do, but they were going to do it anyway. And at least this way they had less of a joint to smoke with it being split between five of us.
Noah came out to get something from his car. "You guys aren't smoking marijuana out here, have you?" he asked sternly on his way back. "Just kidding, I don't care; I'd hit it if I didn't get tested for it," he added, then laughed at the surprise on our faces. "What? I'm smart enough to know it's more beneficial than not," he joked, and I could see so much of Elle in his face when he smiled, I had to look away.
"Genius approved, nice," Joey said. Leif was playing video games with Shiloh and keeping an eye on the other two, having sneaked out to smoke himself while we were saying goodbye to the mother.
We all took places around the porch, Halley sitting on the top step and tugging me down into her lap, which was fine by me. Luckily Noah hadn't turned out to be homophobic, which I hadn't figured he would be, but when strangers raise your sibling you don't really know what to expect for sure.
"As long as your mom doesn't care, that is," Noah amended to Nate in a very big-brother way.
"She's all for it in moderation," Nate assured him, sitting cross-legged between Char and Joey. His face was a lot better, and he hardly winced at all when he moved now. "She actually helped start the first dispensary in town here, back in the day. She knows all about every medical benefit and strain and edible, you name it." He yawned. "I have ADHD so it helps me a lot, and Ritalin just made me pretty much sick and lethargic." He shuddered theatrically.
"Cool mom," Noah answered. "What's that like?" He glanced at me. "Sorry, I shouldn't trash our mother probably. Such as she is."
Joey rolled his eyes. "Whatever, she's not my mother. Mary's my mom."
"Everybody's mom," Charlotte said, as she often did. It still warmed my heart each time, though I knew that wasn't true when it came to my oldest brother. The boarding school staff had raised him, and while it had been his choice to go, while he'd in fact begged to be allowed to go, it was only because circumstances at home had been unlivable. It had been years before I was able to take care of the kids properly, and by then he was long gone and had no plans of leaving the security of his gifted school.
I totally got it, and appreciated his keen sense of self-preservation. If he hadn't left, his chances of thriving would have been slim to none, and I was glad he'd gotten out. Even if it made him somewhat of a stranger.
Caleb's car was parked at the curb in front of their house, where they were having their own awkward family dinner. Leif had declined to participate, though Ruby and Gwen both stayed home for the big event. It was kind of strange to have my dad over there as part of their family now, but it didn't bother me. Our families were nothing if not intertwined.
I was relaxing for the first time all day with Halley's arms around my middle, her chin on my left shoulder, and closed my eyes for a moment.
"Well isn't this a happy little scene."
You could practically hear the record screeching into silence. Hazel was leaning against the tree between the yards, arms crossed, one leg propped behind her. "What the fuck," I said what we were all thinking. She had asked to come and of course I'd told her no way.
She started toward us and Halley nudged me off her so she could be ready for whatever. "So you guys have a big ol' family dinner without one of the family. Nice." She stopped. "Without two of the family, but I'm still alive and just not welcome, apparently," she sneered, getting in her dig about Elle being gone.
I tried to speak but words failed me in the flush of anger.
She continued, as she always would. "You're a great influence, Mother Mary. And wow, is that Noah? Even Noah's here, really nice." She was wearing jeans with holes in the knees that hung off her bony hips, her hair stringy, purple smudges under her eyes that spoke of amphetamine use. "How you doing, boy genius? Taking my place in the old homestead?"
"Get out of here, Hazel," I said, shaky with adrenaline. "Before I call the cops." If the kids found out she was there we'd have another week of Jasper screaming and crying and I wouldn't let her do that to him again.
Halley was even less up for her shit and she stood up, as did the teens, who remained quiet and watchful. "You need to leave before you upset the kids again," she said warningly.
But Hazel never heeded warnings. She laughed and took a drag of her cigarette, blowing the smoke languidly through pursed lips. "The kids, Hayley? You mean my kids. My kids, the ones you took away from me and are trying to make your own? Is it because you guys can't have kids?" She smirked. "Maybe Leif could make himself useful for once, God knows no one's ever gonna marry his sorry ass. And they do have sperm banks, you know. Even lezbos can get preggers these days."
I was up and crossing the lawn before I could even fully register the hateful words. I assumed the hold on my sister's upper arm. "Where is your goddamn car," I spat, feeling too healthy and strong next to the clearly frail addict.
Sorrow for what Hazel had become tried to invade my heart and I shoved it away. There was no room for that, for thinking about what I could have done differently to help her instead of always losing my patience and temper. For considering how she may have been if our mother had stayed. Or if Elle hadn't been killed and I'd been able to be there for her, be the role model she desperately needed.
Of course then Caleb and Courtney came out and stopped halfway to the car, staring.
"Get your fucking hands off me, bitch," Hazel shook her arm but couldn't get loose. "Wait, Courtney? Is that you?"
Caleb's new girlfriend tilted her head. "Oh, hey, Haze. Long time no see. I heard you were in rehab, what're you doing here?"
"She's just leaving," Halley said fiercely, taking a few steps toward us to be clear she was backup, should I need it. The light from the streetlamp highlighted her hair, which was half up and partly tucked into her hood.
Hazel loved it. "Wow, are you dating Caleb? That's hilarious. I wouldn't let him out of your sight for long, he has a hard time keeping his dick in his pants from what I hear."
Courtney and Caleb both began to say something but then my hand connected with her cheek hard enough to force her back two steps. I fought not to continue the assault and barely won.
"Daaaamn," Courtney said, lighting her own cigarette.
Hazel's fell to the ground forgotten, and I saw by the look on her face she was about to jump on me.
"Don't do it," I warned. "I'll fuck you up, Hazel, I swear to God I will."
"Fuck you, Mary! You stole my kids!" she yelled, fists clenched at her sides, weighing about ninety pounds from the look of it. Tears of fury ran down her face, followed by her fingers making clawing motions in the sallow skin. "You won't even let me see my own kids!"
I pushed her out of my face and she stumbled backward again. "You don't even deserve them!" I shouted back. "And they're not your kids anymore bitch!"
"Wow, this is better than Cops," Caleb's newest acquisition said almost admiringly. I pointed a threatening finger at her and she made a motion of zipping her lips, feigning innocence.
Halley was done. "You have five seconds to get the fuck out of here, you shit disturber," my entrancing girlfriend said, pulling out her phone and dialing 911. She looked back at Hazel steadily. "Five. Four. Three. Two."
Hazel wasn't that stupid after all, and the fight had gone out of her. There wasn't much energy for battles when you were wasting away to nothing.
She only had eyes for me. "You'll pay for that," she said, walking backward and still holding her cheek. Whatever, she'd had way worse before. It wasn't like she hadn't asked for it.
"Yes, we'll regret it too probably, right? Fuck off, you are a terrible person," Halley said flatly, thinking of Jasper too. "Don't come back here!"
"I'll do what I want," Hazel taunted, a safe distance away now.
"Oh my fucking God, just get out of here, Hazel," Caleb said in irritation. "You've only gotten worse. What a surprise."
She turned her wrath on him. "Shut up, gimp boy. Your girlfriends left you for each other, how pathetic is that? And how's that settlement money? You know that's the only reason Courtney's with you, right? Sorry, Court."
The other girl waved it away. "You should probably take off, girl. Maybe that whole rehab thing wasn't a bad idea after all. You're acting a little crazy, no offense or anything."
"I'll be back," Hazel said, turning to include all us in it, not pointing the cigarette. "And you will regret it." The shadows swallowed her as she passed the house after Caleb's.
"And me without my popcorn," Courtney said brightly as Halley and I wrapped our arms around each other and made our way back to the porch. "It's like trailer trash wars, I hate to leave and miss anything."
"Knock it off, Court," Caleb had the balls to put in.
But Halley didn't need his assistance. "Hey Courtney, remember that night I got stung by a bee and Caleb came up to the hospital room? What were you doing in the car again with Leif?" Halley asked mock-casually.
"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," came the airy reply. "Let's go, baby," she said smoothly to Caleb, suddenly in a hurry. "Before they rub off on us." His eyes lingered on us but he allowed her to pull him to the car.
My good siblings were subdued after that whole scene, as were Char and Nate. "Damn," Noah said, shaking his head as he relit the joint. "Caleb's right though; she's gotten worse. What's she on, meth?"
Halley tightened her arms around me because she knew that it hurt, regardless of how much Hazel pissed me off. If my sister kept on the way she was, she would be dead soon, and there was nothing I could do about that because I felt like I'd tried everything. If she couldn't make it at this latest expensive rehab, one of the best in the country, she wasn't going to make it.
It's a terrible thing to watch an otherwise healthy person slowly kill themselves, especially if it's a family member you grew up with, someone you're programmed to love and care about even if they turn out bad. The shittiness of their behavior and lifestyle doesn't remove that underlying foundation, and it makes it that much harder.
Addiction is a disease, but there comes a time when a person has to commit to getting better, to getting help.
A person has to decide if they want to live.
"Probably," I answered my brother now, wishing my hands weren't so quick to lash out. "Sorry, I shouldn't have hit her. I'm a great role model," I said sardonically, focusing on Halley's chin on my shoulder, where she was digging it in a little to tickle me. Her arms were sure and comforting around my waist.
"You're fine," Charlotte said flatly, taking her hit. "You should be applauded for your restraint."
"Oh sure," Joey retorted. "I punch a guy and I'm in trouble for fighting, but Mary slaps the shit out of Hazel and is superhero of the year." He was mostly messing around.
"It was the drinking that was the issue in your case, buddy, which you well know," his girlfriend reminded him with a flick of the ear. Oops, must have gotten that from me.
"That's right," Nate put in, taking the rapidly shrinking joint from Char. He inhaled and blew the smoke in Joey's face before putting it out. "Drinky McDrinker." He stood up and pulled the other boy up, then offered his hand to Char. "Lottie Doddie, we likes to party," he half-sang with a wink.
"Lies," Joey muttered, shaking his head. "Lies and blasphemy."
Halley kissed my ear, bringing every tiniest bit of my attention to her in an instant as we followed the kids in. "What's on head radio?"
I smiled a little. "We are family."
"I got all my sisters and me," Nate took over at full volume, dancing his way into the living room with an arm around Joey and Char. "We are fa-mi-ly! Get up everybody and sing!"
Family indeed.