Dear Future Husband,
This morning I caught Clarissa talking to someone on my phone and she tried to cover it up and say she was calling her phone because she lost it, but I didn't believe her and checked my recent calls.
She was calling Grant.
I flipped out on her, I couldn't help it. I was just so... mad. Not just at her but at him. Immediately I assumed that they had been together at least since we ended it literally two days ago. Why was she even calling him on my phone? Did she want me to catch her? Did she want to make me more upset than I already was?
"Why were you calling Grant?" I asked her as we got in the car.
"I had to ask him a question about english." She muttered.
"Why can't you use your own phone?"
"Because he blocked my number."
"Then why would you ask him-- of all people-- to ask a question about english?" None of this was making sense, which was almost guaranteeing that she was lying.
"No one else was answering me."
I scoffed. "Clarissa, you don't have to lie to me, ok? I think we've already established you don't have a problem with telling me the whole nasty truth so just put it out there."
"Oh my god, Alina," She laughed. "Chill, ok? That is the truth. I'm sorry that he's your ex but he's also in my group for an english project so just chill."
I blew out a breath, mad because there was no way I could get the truth out of her. Unlike me, she was fine about lying through her teeth, and it was maddening.
I went through the day waiting to see her and Grant walking down the hall together laughing like nothing had ever happened and I didn't exist, but I didn't. I saw Clarissa once with her friends and I didn't see Grant at all, then again, I was avoiding him so I really didn't expect to see him.
The last bell rang and I texted Clarissa to make sure she was driving me home today, and she told me she was in the car waiting.
I had missed walking to the parking lot with Grant... a lot. I missed him finding me at my locker and walking out with me asking how my day went and watching as kids begrudgingly waited for the bus while I got in the car with a junior with the freedom to go wherever we wanted. Clarissa just waited impatiently for me or had after school activities so I just had to sit in the cafeteria hungry and alone, craving burritos.
I got to her car and got into the passenger seat, turning to click my seat belt in when I saw that the person in the driver's seat wasn't Clarissa.
"Grant!" I yelled out in surprise. "What..."
"Hey," He smiled weakly. "How was your day?"
My heart was in my throat and I fumbled for the door handle, but he locked the doors.
"Please, just hear me out-"
I unlocked the car but he locked it again. "Grant, unlock the doors r-right now." I stammered, not sure whether to feel mad or scared or shocked or maybe all of them.
"Not until you listen to me."
I swallowed hard, starting to sweat. "How did you get in-"
"Clarissa let me in, ok? She knows we're here, I just want to talk to you."
"Unlock the doors." I demanded.
He did as I said, biting his cheek. "Fine, if you want to leave then you can go, but please, I'm begging you, just give me five minutes. After those five minutes you don't have to talk to me ever again, ok?"
"There's nothing to talk about." I said quietly.
"Yes, there is and I promise I won't fuck it all up and make it worse like I did last time, ok? I made mistakes that I'm not proud of one bit. Yes, I have asked for nudes and I've gotten a few blowjobs and I've touched boobs and butts and sexted girls and been an asshole and I feel terrible about it. I know I shouldn't do any of it but I did it anyway and I hurt feelings, especially yours. Alina, if I had known that any of that would offend you I wouldn't have done a single thing."
"That doesn't change anything," I said, a weight hanging from the back of my throat. "You still did all of that and I shouldn't even be a factor in that."
"I knew you were going to say that," He sighed. "Because you care about everyone and everything and that's one of the things that makes you so amazing, but my point is I feel like shit about all of it and that's because of you. You have helped me realize that I've been an asshole and that I would go back and change all of that if I could, but I can't. What I can do is not do it anymore, especially not to you."
I shook my head, tears threatening my eyes. "We can't-"
"Alina, I have never felt the same way about you than I have anyone else, and I promise you I will not make the same mistakes I did with everyone else-"
"You can't promise me that, Grant," I said. "I respect that you are regretting everything you have done, but just face it, you've had blowjobs and nudes for this long that it's just part of your relationships now, but that's not me. So you can promise me that you will never ask me for nudes or sex, but you'll hold on for maybe two weeks just to prove a point, then you're going to leave because it's just not for you, and that's okay. I just don't want to be kept around because you're trying to prove a point. I would rather end it now while we can than drag it out longer than it needs to be."
He shook his head. "No, that's not what I'm saying at all, Alina. I don't need any of those things, I just need you, ok? If I needed any of that I would've made it very clear by now. Shit, I wouldn't be dating you right now if that were the case. I would've tried my luck flirting with you for a while then asking for nudes or something, I don't know." He laughed curtly. "The point is that I don't need any of that. I will give up blowjobs and nudes for the rest of my life if it means getting you back. Hell, we don't even have to kiss anymore if it offends you, ok? Because I don't need any of that, I don't want any of it if it's going to keep us apart. So I'm asking you-- begging you-- to trust me and forgive me for everything I have done before we were even together so it doesn't get in the way of us now."
Tears started to creep into my eyes, but I forced myself to look up at him. His eyes were filled with hope and desperation and I wanted to give in so so bad, but I didn't know if I should. I didn't know if I was being duped or if he was being sincere and the uncertainty was ebbing away at my thick walls of defense.
I shook my head, quickly pushing a tear away as it rolled down my cheek. "I'm sick of getting hurt and being unhappy and god, these last two days have been the most painful and unhappy days yet."
"So I've heard." He said, looking down at his hands.
"I put a lot of trust and energy into people I care about and lately it's been coming back to bite me in the butt. I've been putting so much into people who could hardly bother to give me the time of day and I'm sick of it."
He kept his eyes trained on his hands as his fingers picked at his cuticles, not saying a word.
I reached over and took his hand in mind and he looked up at me.
"You won't waste my energy." I said, swallowing hard, not sure if it was a question or a statement.
He shook his head. "No, never in a million years."
I wrapped my free arm around his neck and pulled his lips to mine, and the moment we made contact, I kind of knew I had made the right decision. Even if I didn't it still felt good to kind of... trust, like actually trust that it would be ok for the first time in a long time. I was in it for the long haul and after today, I knew he was too.
I pulled away slowly after a few moments and he let out a long sigh, his nose tucked against my cheek. "Thank you, Alina, I promise you won't regret this."
"I promise you won't either," I said, squeezing his hand.
He pulled away from me, smiling. "So I promise I'm not going to do asshole things like ask for sex and nudes and I won't touch your butt or do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, you just let me know if you don't like something. Just talk to me, Alina, okay? Don't hide things that bother you and let them steep for a while until finally you just explode, you can trust me, just tell me things."
"Okay," I nodded. "It bothers me when you play Nickelback in the morning."
He rolled his eyes, smiling. "I'm sorry, but that is a non refundable feature of the Grant Black package."
I smiled. "Fine, I guess I just have to deal with it then." I moved back in for a kiss but was rudely interrupted by someone knocking on the window.
I turned and saw Clarissa standing at the passenger window, her face contorted into a grimace. "I let you use my car to make up, not make out, times up kiddo."
"Jesus Christ," Grant muttered, getting his backpack out of the back seat.
I opened the door and got out, slinging my back over my shoulder. "You did this?" I asked Clarissa.
She rolled her eyes. "I was getting sick of you being all grumpy, that's my job."
"Thank you," I smiled at her. "You really didn't have to do any of this."
She shrugged. "I've pouted long enough, besides, you wanted him more than I did." She sighed, walking around to the front seat. "All offenses are forgiven, I'll ask mom and dad to lift the house ban for you."
"Woah," Grant said, taking a step away from her. "Are you sure you're okay? You're actually being a decent human being."
She rolled her eyes. "Fuck off, Grant."
I laughed as I walked around the car to Grant, taking his hand in mine. "I'll see you back home, Clarissa."
"Try not to get pregnant." She muttered as she got into her car, smiling as she did.
Grant and I walked to his car hand in hand, something he never let me do because he hates PDA, but that just showed that he was glad to have me back, and I was glad to have him back, not that we really ever left each other.
"You can still touch my butt if you want," I said as turned down the aisle his car was in. "I like it." I smiled up at him and he smiled back, letting go of my hand to squeeze my waist close to him.
"You've got a great ass." He said nonchalantly as his hand gently squeezed on my behind. "I said it, sue me."
Needless today, I was glad I didn't have to worry about Grant taking advantage of me because I truly did trust him. Something just really clicked today and I didn't have any more doubts. I was finally ready to really immerse myself in this relationship, more than I thought I could. An even better turnout to this day, Clarissa was finally ok with us being together which meant that we finally didn't have to walk on eggshells around her and her friends.
Finally we were allowed to actually be together.
Xoxo, Alina