Dear My One,
I snapped.
Bad.
And somehow it turned out okay.
Once again, Alina and I shared a painfully awkward day, both of us still unsettled from our last conversation. We had been cordial in school, but that's about as far as it went. I still drove her to school and home, the latter being where I snapped.
After we got settled in the car she spoke up. "I don't want this to be weird."
"What are you talking about?" I asked as I started the car, knowing exactly what she was talking about.
"Whatever was on your mind is still on your mind and you still won't talk about it and now it's weird between us and I don't want it to be weird but it's weird okay?" She laughed.
"None of this is weird, I'm fine and you're overreacting." This was definitely weird, I wasn't fine with any of this, and she was just being concerned. "Chips and guac sound good right now."
"It's really not fine, Grant," Now she was starting to get annoyed. Great. "Don't do this. Don't deflect and shove this down because it's going to come back up at some point even bigger and nastier and angrier than it already is-"
"And what is 'it?'" I scoffed.
"Whatever you're holding back, and don't try to deny it because it's true and you know it and it's really starting to get on my nerves."
"This doesn't concern you." I muttered, putting the car in drive.
"Yeah, this officially does concern me because you're taking it out on me."
I grumbled, putting it back in park. "I'm not taking anything out on you, you're the one who is screaming at me saying I have a problem even though that it's becoming a problem just because I'm not telling you." At this point, I started to get really pissed.
"You are taking it out on me, you just can't tell because you think somehow that everything is perfect and normal even though it's not and I can hardly sleep knowing that something is going on with you-"
Her voice was starting to give me a headache so I leaned over and kissed her to shut her up, only for her to push me away. "No, don't do that. You do that when you don't want to talk and we aren't putting this off any longer-"
"We?" I laughed. "This is me, okay?! This is my issue and I can handle it on my own and I'm sorry if I'm taking it out on you but maybe it's because you're getting in the way."
She scoffed. "Since when is trying to help you getting in the way?"
This was the part where I fucked up and snapped and said way more than I should've. "Because I don't need your help! And I have told you that over and over again but you don't listen! You can't help me! You're just going to run like everyone else the moment you get a whiff of what I'm going to say! You're going to leave like Clarissa and Vanessa left me and like my parents left each other because things fall apart, Alina! Our relationship won't last and my family sure as hell won't last and your family might not even last so what's the point of trusting anything to anyone because you can't trust anything! Everything will fuck you over one way or another!" I grumbled and buried my face in my hands, shaking with frustration.
"Your parents got divorced?" She asked quietly.
"Drop it." I said firmly.
"Is that what's been bothering you?"
"I said drop it." My eyes started to sting and I wanted to scream. I couldn't give in, I just couldn't.
She didn't say anything and after a few moments I heard her car door open then shut and I took a sigh of relief. She left just like I thought she would. No surprise there, I was just glad I didn't give myself away this time.
Before I even had time to finish my thought, my car door opened and I looked up to see Alina standing there. I didn't have time to say anything before she wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tight. I just sat there, unsure of what this meant or what to do, but eventually I brought my arms to her back and held onto her.
Her body radiated warmth and just made me feel so damn comfortable and at peace, all of my problems seemed to fall away.
She nuzzled her face into my neck, kissing it and saying. "I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you've gone through, but I'm not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not, I'm going to be here for you no matter what is going on in your life so don't be afraid to tell me anything because," She laughed. "I'll get it out of you kicking and screaming and I will give you whatever you need to get past it."
I took a deep breath, pulling her closer to me. "Promise?"
"I promise." She whispered into the corner of my jaw.
"Can we get guac now?" I asked. "I'm starving."
She laughed, pulling away with her arms still around my back and mine still around her waist. "Yes, we can get guac."
I decided to ditch house hunting and tell Alina everything over guac. I told her every terrible detail of the divorce and the housing situation and my siblings, everything. Well, almost everything. I didn't say anything about Will because I wasn't quite ready to have that conversation yet. We had enough pity for one day, but I knew she would be there when I was ready.
She listened to me and she nodded and she offered comments when comments were needed and said all of the right things and I was just so damn happy that I had found her and that she cared, because telling someone really made me feel better.
The only other person I have been able to tell things to is you.
This is big.
Love,
Grant