Dear Future Husband,
I took a chance.
And I'm glad I did.
These past few days have felt like there was a hole in my chest without having Grant to talk to.
He texted me the first night and I texted him back, then in school I avoided him, and now I'm worried he thinks this means we are broken up. I mean, it looks like that, but I didn't want this to be a breakup.
No, this wasn't fair to me or him, especially him, and I couldn't keep going like this having a half relationship.
At this point, I didn't care what my family thought, and if they said I couldn't see him anymore, then I would fight for him. I would make them see that this was good.
Today in school I was going to go up to his locker and talk to him, but he wasn't there, and I didn't see him during his free period where we usually met.
My heart sank. Maybe he was done with me. He had waited long enough and he was done sitting around waiting for me to man up.
Fifteen minutes before field hockey practice ended I looked around feverishly for him to no avail. Maybe he wasn't avoiding me, maybe he was just home sick today. Maybe-
There he was, walking past the field carrying his duffel bag, his sweaty skin shining in the sun. He didn't cast a glance towards me, like I had done to him yesterday.
I couldn't control myself. I hadn't seen him all day and I knew he would do the same thing tomorrow if I didn't do something right now.
In the middle of the drill we were running, I dropped my stick and ran over to where he was walking, jumping the fence of the field to get to him.
"Grant," I said, jogging to catch up to him. He stared straight ahead, trying to pretend I wasn't there even though I could tell he was biting his cheek. "Come on, please look at me."
He kept staring straight ahead. "So you're talking to me now?"
"I'm sorry, I really am. I was being stupid and irrational and I shouldn't have tried to control you. Us. I was wrong."
He kept walking and I continued to keep my pace with him. I was hoping at this point he would just forgive me, but I wasn't surprised when he didn't. Everything had been on my terms so far, including this, and as much as it hurt me to say, I said it. "If you want to be done with me, that's fine. Maybe we are already done, that's fine, but I didn't want to have an open end. Frankly, I don't want us to end, but I understand if you want nothing to do with me anymore. I just want you to know that I'm sorry."
He stopped, looking over at me, taking a deep breath. His face was expressionless, and my heart was pounding from the suspense of what he was going to do next. "There's no way in hell I'm done with you yet." At first, I thought that meant he was going to wreak havoc on my life for the inconvenience I caused him, but that just didn't seem like a Grant thing to do. "But you're right, you were being stupid and I accept your apology. To be honest, I was being kind of an asshole too, but I don't really want to talk about that anymore. Now can we just stop all of this and be together for Chrissake?"
I smiled, wrapping my arms around his sweaty neck and kissed him hard. He didn't like PDA, but in that moment it was only appropriate, it was our official announcement that we were dating. I heard some of my teammates squealing while my coach angrily blew the whistle, and I knew that they knew, which was exactly what we wanted. I knew my sudden exit from practice would earn the whole team a few extra suicides, but that didn't matter to me. This was worth it.
He was worth it.
He pulled away after a few moments. "You should probably get back to practice. I'll be waiting in the car."
I smiled and kissed him one last time before running back to practice.
Most of the girls complained about the suicides I had caused them while a select few-- including the one who talked to me the other day-- came up to me gushing about the fact I was dating Grant, and a few were concerned about how Clarissa felt about all of it. I just smiled and didn't say anything to them even though I was shaking in my shoes. I really didn't know how I was going to tell them, but I was going to keep putting it off until the right moment came, except this time I wouldn't deny Grant his girlfriend.
He was waiting for me just like he said he would, even though practice ran an extra fifteen minutes because of the sprints and lecture we got at the end about disruptions. I wasn't listening to most of it though, I kept looking back at the parking lot wishing I could be in Grant's car.
Of course we made out, then did our usual hold hands and talk thing like nothing had changed. He drove me home and pulled right into the driveway, instead of easing in like it was a giant landmine like he usually did.
He leaned over the console and kissed me gently. "Good luck in there, champ."
I groaned. "Don't remind me."
"You'll be fine. I guarantee they will probably only be half as mad as you think they will be."
He was wrong.
They were twice as mad.
Let me just preface this with the fact that I didn't plan to just march in the door and announce I was dating Grant. I didn't even plan on telling them that day, or even that week. I was going to pick a later date to gingerly peel off the bandaid, apply some water, take it slow, just ease it off. Instead, the circumstances would have it that I tore off that band aid raw and unexpectedly.
I got inside to find Clarissa ranting about something to mom as she made dinner. I dropped my stuff on the floor and went into the kitchen to get some water and amuse myself with whatever great catastrophe Clarissa was dealing with today.
"... So he's texting me all of this 'I miss you' crap and I'm like that's great and I just ignore him and he's like 'why are you still mad' and I was thinking oh gee I don't know maybe because you tried to rape me."
I almost spit out my water. "What?"
"Grant," My mom groaned as she chopped onions. "He texted your sister again pretty much asking to get together again. I told her she should block his number."
I started to panic a little. "When did he text you?" I asked.
"I don't know, like five days ago or something." She sighed. "I'm so over it, but obviously he isn't. Why would he be?" She flipped her hair over her shoulder.
My mind was reeling. Five days ago we were fine, we were together, we were trying to make plans for the movies. Was he using me to get to my sister? Even worse, was he trying to date us both at the same time? Was he using not telling anyone to his advantage? Nothing made sense, I was so confused. "What else did he say?"
Clarissa glared at me. "I don't know, he wanted to hang out or something and I just ignored him."
"Why would he want to hang out?"
"Because he obviously still likes me." She scanned me with disgust. "Jesus why do you care?"
"Because he's my boyfriend."
I didn't mean to say it, it was stupid, I shouldn't have said it, but I'm an awful liar and in that moment there wasn't a better response. In a way I felt relieved, but seeing the looks on their faces made my gut drop.
"What?" Clarissa said with toxicity lacing her voice. "You're joking."
I didn't even know what to say. What was I supposed to say? This was a mistake, I should just go up to my room. I stayed silent.
"What do you mean he's your boyfriend?" She laughed. "That's ridiculous Alina and this isn't funny."
"I'm not lying." I said quietly, eyeing the mortified expression on my mother's face. "We've been hanging out the past few weeks and he took me out to dinner and-"
"He took you out to dinner?" My mom asked, crossing her arms. "When was I aware of this?"
My hands started to clam up. I hated lying. "I told you I was going out with friends."
"Alina Hope! What if you got hurt! What if something happened and I didn't know where you were!" The knife on the counter looked a little threatening right now.
"Nothing happened, we were fine and besides, Kendra knew-"
"That does not excuse the fact that you lied to me! And went out with your sister's ex boyfriend who hurt her! Alina," My mother lowered her voice. "You are a beautiful and smart-- although your intelligence is being called into question at the moment-- young girl who any guy would love to have. Grant of all people you choose!"
I laughed. "You're calling my intelligence into question, really? You talk about him like he's a convict or something! He's not a bad guy! He's actually a pretty good guy and Clarissa is the one who screwed up her chances with him."
"Do not talk about your sister that way! Grant violated her just like Brad violated you-"
"He didn't! She's lying! Grant is the one who helped me through all that Brad stuff!" I turned to Clarissa, who had started to cry. "Clarissa, we went over this, you were lying about Grant being dangerous. Tell mom the truth." I said firmly.
She scowled at me and I didn't think she was going to do it, but she did. "Grant didn't try to rape me, he just broke up with me and I was upset."
I didn't feel the need to elaborate on the details that would surely turn the argument against Clarissa. At the end of the day I wouldn't achieve anything with that. "See mom? He didn't do anything to her. She was lying and of course she would be biased against him."
My dad had gotten home from work and joined into the conversation. Great. Even better. The more the merrier. "What's going on in here?"
"Alina is dating Grant." She hissed.
"Alina Hope!" He scolded. "He tried to rape your sister-"
"He didn't, Chris," My mom said calmly. "Clarissa was lying."
He looked conflicted between scolding me or Clarissa, then finally decided to scold me. "Regardless of that, it's still your sister's ex boyfriend and their relationship ended pretty badly. You should respect that, there are plenty of other guys-"
"But there is only one Grant!" I said, and I know I sounded stupid saying it, but it was true. "I've tried the other guys and they're not him! You don't understand the things he has helped me through and the things he has done for me-"
"Your father is right," My mom reinforced. "You shouldn't even be talking to Grant, you should respect your sister's wishes."
"Jesus Christ!" I screamed in anger. "This isn't fair! Clarissa has dated so many guys, who knows, one of them could be my husband! So you're not going to let me at least talk to them? I can't be at least friends with any of them just because Clarissa got to them first?"
My parents faces looked tentative, obviously I had made a solid point.
"Not Grant." Clarissa said. "I don't care, you can have any of the other guys except Grant."
"Clarissa," My mom shook her head. "Your sister is right, that isn't fair. It isn't right or respectful of her to do that, but she did it and it's obvious because she likes him."
"Un-fucking-believable." Clarissa scoffed, pushing out her chair angrily and stomping upstairs.
"She will get over it." Dad said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "For now, I guess it's ok."
"Thank you," I breathed a sigh of relief. "I promise that he's the opposite of what you thought. Thank you for understanding."
My mom laughed. "We still don't really understand, we can sympathize, but I don't agree with you dating your sister's ex boyfriend."
My dad nodded. "You can date him, but there will be consequences."
"Those are?" I asked, my gut twisting.
"First of all, he needs to pass the dinner." My dad started.
"What? He already passed the dinner."
"With Clarissa. The rule is that every boyfriend-- doesn't matter which daughter-- has to pass the dinner."
"That's not fair, you're going to fail him right away." I whined.
My mom looked offended. "Alina, you really think we are going to agree to let you date him just to make him sit through a dinner to let him know he can't? We aren't evil like that. We will pass a fair judgement at the end of the night, regardless of our past experiences. He passed it once, and if you're so confident that he's a good guy then he can pass it again."
"Clarissa is going to make it so much harder-"
"Leave your sister to us," My dad said. "She won't be an issue, just keep in mind that this is going to be hard for her too."
"Okay," I swallowed hard. "The dinner I can do. That's doable."
"We're not finished," Dad laughed. "Besides the dinner, you aren't allowed to have Grant over to our house. Clarissa doesn't deserve that. You have an eight o'clock curfew-"
"Eight o'clock?! Dad, some of my games start at eight!"
"Let me finish," He said sternly. "That doesn't apply to sports and family outings, but with friends and Grant, if you're not home by then, you're grounded."
I took a deep breath, my nails digging into my palm. "That's fair."
"How long have you two been together?" My mom asked, pulling out her calendar no doubt to plan dinner.
I considered just lying about it, but like I said, I'm an awful liar and they could tell when I wasn't telling the truth, so I decided just to be candor about it. "Twelve days."
My mom raised her eyebrows at me. "Our rule is day three you tell us you have a boyfriend, and the dinner should've been two days ago, Alina."
"I know," I said quietly. "I'm sorry I just didn't know how to tell you."
"Since you lied to us," My dad started. "You'll be doing Clarissa's chores for a month."
They just kept laying them on me. "Okay."
"Dinner is Saturday night. Don't be late."
As painful as it was, I did it and they were ok with it, at least for now. I didn't know how this dinner was going to go, but hopefully they would keep their criteria simple.
Even though I knew this whole thing would not be simple.
Xoxo, Alina