~Alex~
It's always been you.
Nico's words keep echoing through my ears. Even now, days later, I can't forget what he said. I don't get it. What does he mean? Why does he always have to be so cryptic? Does he mean it in a good way or a bad way? I groan aloud.
"What's wrong, Alex?" Kayla inquires.
"Oh, it's nothing, just thinking about something that Nico said that I don't understand." My brow scrunches in concentration.
Kayla straightens my tie. "What did he say?"
"He said 'It's always been you.' What does that even mean?" I look down at Kayla who is dressed up in a long sleeve knitted red dress that hugs her frame, she looks gorgeous. Her hair is styled up in an elegant bun with pearls laced throughout the locks of hair.
Her green eyes get this weird glint in them. Before she smiles up at me. "Who knows?"
"Right?" I huff.
Kayla links her arm between mine. Tonight is the night of the Christmas party. We're both excited to finally relax and enjoy ourselves before we have to go on our mission. We walk from my house to the mess hall where the party is being held. The party is always held on Christmas Eve so that families can enjoy Christmas day together.
"So," Kayla says, "How has Nico been doing anyway? I thought that you would be hanging out with him more now that he's awake."
Snow swirls down gently from the sky, twinkling golden in the lamplight. The walkway to the mess hall is shoveled and sprinkled with salt, letting us arrive with ease. Many other couples and families are streaming into the building. Laughter and chattering can be heard all around, the jovial atmosphere helps make it feel more like a holiday.
Kayla tugs on my arm expectantly. "Did you hear what I asked?" She inquires.
"Yeah, sorry," I smile sheepishly. "We had a little falling out is all. But I think he's starting to open up to me. Well, at least it seemed like he was going to, but then he ran off again. I just don't get him sometimes."
"Oh, well, give him some time. I'm sure you guys will make up once we're on the mission." She smiles warmly while pulling me toward the party.
Festive music spills out of the open doors and lights glint off the snow. We step into the building, coming face to face with a sea of people all in their best attire. I keep Kayla close as we squeeze through the crowds. People stop to greet us and wish us happy holidays. By the time we make it to the dance floor, we must have said hi to half of the camp.
The music is nice and jolly, so Kayla and I dance with everyone else. The smell of cinnamon and apple and pine is strong in the room, adding to the Christmas appeal. A giant Christmas tree stands proudly in the corner, decorated handsomely, a large silver Luna goddess adorns the top.
"I'm parched," Kayla informs in a funny accent, "let's get something to drink."
We walk hand-in-hand to the drink table. Kayla picks out some eggnog, while I stick to old-fashioned fruit punch. I'm pouring the red liquid into my solo cup when I spot Nico at the end of the table. He's standing alone, sipping a drink, looking bored.
"Hey, isn't that Nico?" Kayla questions. "Let's go say hello."
"Sounds good," I concur.
Both of us push past a group of people to reach Nico. He looks up at us as we arrive. His face widens into a grin. "Hey, Alex. Hey, Kayla," He says brightly.
I blink in surprise. I'm not used to seeing Nico look so happy when he sees me. He's dressed in a black silk shirt and red tie with black slacks and shiny loafers. His long hair has been pulled back into a small ponytail, revealing a tattoo at the base of his neck.
"Nice to meet you, officially, Kayla," Nico says with a small smile. "I'm Nico, but you already knew that."
Kayla laughs lightly. "Yes, Alex has told me all about you. It really is nice to finally get to talk to you."
"Yeah-"
"Hey, Nico, I brought the snacks- Oh, hey, Alex and... Kayla, was it?" Luca arrives, carrying a plate piled high with food.
"Yes, I'm Kayla," Kayla says, "and you're Luca, right?"
"That would be me," He says, handing the plate to Nico.
Nico takes it gratefully. Luca leans down to peck him on the lips. Nico flushes scarlet before taking a bite out of a gingerbread cookie.
"Oh, so you two are dating?" Kayla inquires with interest.
"Y-Yeah," Nico replies, his cheeks red.
My wolf stirs inside of me, a sense of irritation rising from him. What the heck does he think he's doing? I push him down.
Luca wraps an arm around Nico's waist. "I'm sorry to end our conversation short, but I really want to dance with Nico before the Secret Santas are called." His eyes glint with humor and affection as he pulls Nico away, setting his plate down on a chair.
"Luca~" Nico whines as he is dragged away. Soon enough they're swallowed by the ocean of bodies.
"Aren't they a cute couple?" Kayla gushes. "Let's go dance some more too!"
I shake the thoughts out of my head and ignore the weird feeling inside of my gut. My lips stretch into a smile and I take Kayla's hand in mine.
"Of course, milady, we'll dance for as long as you wish." We drift into the open space where couples are gathered, finding our own little spot that isn't far from Nico and Luca.
The music slows down to a steady pace that signals the beginning of a slow dance. I wrap my arms around Kayla's curvy waist and we sway from side to side. The lights dim down, giving off a romantic ambiance. Our bodies are chest to chest and I can feel her warmth and heartbeat. Kayla looks dazzling as ornaments reflect scattered light into her eyes and onto the pearls that adorn her hair. Absolutely breathtaking. Slowly, I lean down and place a gentle kiss on her lips.
From the corner of my eye, I catch Nico dancing with Luca. His head is resting on Luca's chest as they sway from side to side like a pendulum. Nico has a sweet smile on his face and his eyes are focused on Luca's. It's as if those two are in their own world.
That same feeling from earlier returns and my wolf, Sol, is restless at the sight. I guess I'm just irritated that Nico can open up to some stranger rather than me. After all, I've always wanted to be the closest to him. But seeing him so happy and carefree, I wonder if that's important. If I'm not the person he wants to tell his woes to, then maybe I should just leave it be. I only cause Nico to feel pain, I just want him to be happy.
After a couple more minutes of dancing, an announcer comes on over the loud speaker. They announce that it is time to hand out the secret Santa gifts. Everyone gathers close to the stage and waits for their name to be called. The lights have been turned on and the otherworldly appearance is gone.
Excited chattering fills the room to the ceiling with noise. One by one names are called and people start to trickle out of the building. Some return home or go to after parties. Couples hang out with one another. The night is slowly winding down to an end.
Kayla squeals with excitement as her name is called and leaves me to go obtain her present. We decide to meet up outside afterward. Shortly after, my name is called and then Nico's. I catch him walking down the stairs and toward the exit.
"Hey," I call out, grabbing his elbow to stop him.
He turns around in surprise. "Oh, hey, Alex. What's up?" Just like always, Nico starts acting a little weird. Whenever we're alone together, he can never look me in the eyes and seems uncomfortable.
"Can I talk to you in private?" I ask, stuffing my hands into my pocket to keep them from fiddling around.
His blue eyes meet mine and then dart away. "I just told Luca to meet up with me outside, so-"
"It'll only be for a minute, please?" I give him my best puppy dog eyes and he sighs.
"Fine, but only for a minute or so..." He begins walking to an exit and I trail behind.
We're silent as we walk out of the mess hall and into a secluded garden in the back. No one is over here, because all of the entrances are in the front of the building. Snow covers everything like a blanket, smothering the sounds of the party a few yards away.
Nico looks out onto the garden, taking everything in before turning to me. "What did you want to talk about?" He asks.
I fumble in my pockets for a moment before pulling something out. "When I found you in October... after you went missing, I found this in your hand. I recognized it immediately. Since you kept it all this time, it must be important to you." I hold my hand out, waiting for Nico to put his hand out.
His eyebrow is raised in a question. "What are you-" His eyes widen and jaw drops when I set the ring into his hand, along with a new steel chain attached. He holds it up to his face, appraising the ring as though it was a fake.
"Wha- How?" He gapes, looking at me.
"I didn't do anything," I say, "I found it in your hand when you were in the hospital. I meant to give it back to you sooner, but could never find the right time."
Nico frowns as he looks at the ring. I swear I could see his brain processing behind his blue eyes. He looks down at the ground before handing it back to me. I wordlessly take it, shocked and kind of hurt.
"Why?" I ask softly, staring at the laurel ring.
Nico takes a shaky breath before meeting my eyes and smiling. "I'm sorry, Alex, but I won't accept that. I-I can't take it as things are now, and I don't want you to give it to me like this."
My brow scrunches in confusion. Why is he making such a big deal out of accepting the ring? And why do I feel like I've just been punched in the gut? If I remember correctly, I gave it to him as a last-minute gift, it shouldn't be so sentimental. Yet I know it's important to the both of us somehow.
The winter air seems to become frigid and the holiday cheer I felt slowly seeps out of my soles. I just wanted to do a nice thing for him, yet I messed up somehow.
"A-Are you sure?" I ask, hoping that maybe he would reconsider. I don't know why I'm so desperate for him to accept it. Something in my mind is buzzing and it's causing a headache to form behind my temples. It feels like I forgot something important.
Nico looks uncertain for a second, staring wistfully at the ring, but he shakes his head. "I'm sure. Thank you for holding onto it, though, Alex. Can you hold onto it for a bit longer?"
I nod my head. "Sure, if that's what you want..."
The two of us stand there in the snow. An awkward silence descends upon us, making me squirm in my suit. Nico gives me a tight smile before saying goodnight and returning to wherever Luca is. I stand there in the gentle snowfall, wondering what just happened.
When I return to Kayla, she can tell that something is wrong with me, so she doesn't ask. I think she knows I went to talk to Nico and also knows by my behavior that it went wrong. How did a nice gesture turn into pain and confusion? It's Nico's fault for not accepting it, but I just know the blame resides on me. But I don't know how I know. I groan at the complexity of it all.
"Goodnight, Kayla," I say, trying to put on a cheery tone.
Kayla, being as intuitive as she is, sees right through me. "I don't know what happened between you and Nico, but I'm sure everything will be OK." She gives me a smile. "Anyway, I had a fun time. Goodnight, Alex." We share a kiss before Kayla slips inside and leaves me to walk home by myself.
Being alone really isn't helping my headache and depressing feelings. The lamp post's light feels more haunting and foreboding now that all of the festivities have died down. No laughter can be heard, just the melancholy howling of the wind. I stop to look up at the moon that is visible between shifting clouds.
"Hello, Alex," A voice calls softly.
I jump at the sudden noise and look down to see a beautiful woman. Her looks are stunning and ethereal. Her skin is milky white, her hair is pure silver, and her dress looks like it was weaved out of pure moonlight. Even more strange is her eyes that look like two full moons.
"Who are you?" I ask in suspicion. She doesn't look human and I can sense a foreign power emanating from her.
"I'm Luna, the Moon Goddess," She says simply. Her voice is clear and sounds as if it's coming from straight inside of my head.
I take a step back. "The Luna?" I breathe.
"The very one," She confirms a small smile on her lips.
"What do you want, Moon Goddess?" Her appearance shimmers as clouds pass in front of the moon. She must be a projection of the moonlight and not really here herself.
She steps toward me, not making any footprints in the snow. I guess my theory was right. "I've come to help you. My sister, Nyx, is up to something, conniving in the shadows. Since she has returned some of the hybrid wolf's memories, I thought it only fair to do the same to you. After all, two can play that game."
My heart thumps. Nyx is her sister!? I've never heard of this. "You're related to Nyx? What exactly is she? Why does no one know who she is? What is she up to?" The questions spill out of my mouth before I can even think of holding them off.
"Yes, Nyx is my sister. She is something of a goddess herself, but more wicked. Her evil deeds have been buried with her in time as she has been sealed away." Luna looks up toward the moon, "It seems we are running out of time. We better hurry."
"One more thing," I say quickly, "what do you mean by returning my memories? I thought that only Nico's memories were taken."
The goddess shakes her head as if though laughing at a silly child. "Of course some of your memories have been taken, pup, because they are the memories that contain your lost feelings."
"Will it hurt?" I ask quietly, thinking of all the pain Nico endured when he regained his memories.
Luna shakes her head, her hair falls around her in waves of light. "No, pup, it will not hurt. I have better methods than my sister, however, they are slower. Now come here, so I can return them to you."
I swallow over all of the doubt in my mind as thoughts pop up. What if she's lying? What if she's Nyx in disguise? What if I don't want my memories back? Nevertheless, I stop before her, awaiting her next move. Slowly, she raises a porcelain hand towards my forehead. She touches the very center, her touch like silk against my skin.
She gives me a small smile when she is done. I don't feel any different, nor do I remember anything new. I give her a suspicious look, does she know what she's doing?
"Don't worry, Alex, your memories will return to you with sleep. Now I suggest you go rest, the sooner you remember, the safer you'll be. Now I must go, adieu."
The ethereal Luna disappears and the lamps flare back to life. I press a hand against my forehead curiously, I don't feel any different. Now that everything is back to normal, I wonder if I dreamed it all. I guess there's only one way to find out. I return home and head straight to bed, not bothering to say hello to my parents.
I lay in bed, staring into the inky darkness, waiting for sleep to take me away, but it alludes me. The one time I need to fall asleep, I can't. I roll over, tossing and turning as I try aimlessly to fall asleep. What am I going to see? Will I like it? Will I still be the same person after I'm done, or is the Alex I am now a lie? I huff out air in frustration. I wish our parents didn't meddle with our brains like this.
Darkness fades to light and I hear a voice calling my name. I must've fallen asleep...
"Hey, Alex!" Nico calls out excitedly.
I look behind me and smile. Nico's running toward me waving his arm wildly. He skids to a stop in front of me, looking extremely happy. Nico looks like his 10-year-old self again, so I must be 11 here.
"What's up?" I ask.
He gathers his breath before speaking. "I found this really nice place, want to come and see it with me?" His eyes drop to the ground and he squirms uncomfortably. He's embarrassed, I realize a little excitedly. So the whole time Nico has been avoiding my gaze, it was because he was shy? I thought he just didn't like me anymore.
"Sure, show me the way." I declare.
A breathtaking grin lights up his features and he nods enthusiastically before running off, expecting me to follow behind him. The two of us run through the camp and into the woods. I realize that this area looks familiar as he pushes aside ivy vines and reveals the mouth of a cave. My favorite hidden place. He's the one who showed me?
I step into the dark cave reluctantly. "Are you sure we're not going to be attacked by a bear?" I inquire, feeling nervous.
"I would never lead you into danger," Nico scoffs as if the idea is ridiculous. "It's completely safe, just follow me." Gingerly, he takes my hand in his and drags me further into the depths.
With his hand in mine, I feel completely safe. All of my fears and anxieties just flood out of my system and are replaced by trust and certainty. If Nico says this place is safe, then it must be true. And he was right, nothing attacked us on our way.
A pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel gave away into a narrow valley with a waterfall and mini-lake. All sorts of flowers bloomed here along with ancient pine and oak trees that provided shade for the deer and other animals grazing the grass. It was beautiful. It felt as though we just stepped out of the wardrobe and into Narnia.
"Whoa!" I voice, taking in the scenery. Nico and I walk hand in hand down to the lake.
"How did you find this place?" I inquire, dumbfounded.
Nico looks bashful as he tugs at his raven hair. "I was wandering around, exploring, when I saw the big cliff face and decided to look for a way up it, but instead, I found this entrance."
"This is amazing, Nico," I say genuinely.
We sit down together at the lake's edge, dipping our feet into the refreshing water. Our hands lay by our side, neither of us letting go. We sit and talk for a long time until the sun begins to set. Nico lays his head on my shoulder, saying he felt tired.
"Alex?" Nico asks so quietly I can barely hear him. His voice is shaky with doubt and I can hear his pulse beating loudly in his chest. He's nervous.
"Mm?" I hum simply.
Nico turns his sapphire blue eyes up to look into my eyes, they are full of uncertainty. "In the future... I always want to be with you." He quickly looks down, fiddling with his feet.
I could feel my cheeks flushing at his words. I found him so adorable and my heart was thumping inside of my chest. I lay my head on top of his. "Me too, Nico, we'll be together forever, OK?"
He smiles and snuggles closer to me, our heartbeat meshing together. We remain that way until the stars come out and we were forced to go home for curfew. Both of us got into so much trouble for staying out late, but we were glad that we did.
I wake up with a start. What was that? A dream? A memory? Did something like that really happen? I throw the covers off of me, feeling suffocated. Were Nico and I really that close back then? My heart is still pounding from the proximity between us, our entangled hands, the smell of his scent. Of all the things I was meant to forget, why this? My head is swimming as it tries to process the influx of thoughts.
Okay, so Nico and I were close, yeah, so what? We held hands, even though I was a middle schooler and he was still in fifth grade. That's not totally awkward at all. Even though we were both guys... It didn't bother me, if anything... I enjoyed it? But the most pressing question is, what does this have to do with my lost feelings for my mate? Unless...
I run to the bathroom quickly, turning on the bright fluorescent light. My hands shake as I turn on the tap water and throw some onto my face. Nico can't be my mate. W-We're both guys and he hasn't said anything or even reacted to me at all... Or has he?
Nico looks down at his feet shyly. Nico always yelling at me and pushing me away. Nico kissing me at that party... Everything he's done is all because I'm his mate and I didn't even realize. How could I have been so blind? It's always been you, Alex.
The air is knocked out of my lungs and I can't breathe. My vision begins to blur. Both of my hands grip the sink's counter feeling dizzy. I gasp for oxygen, but none will come. I meet my reflection's gaze and see that my eyes are glowing golden. Sol... how could I have ignored my own wolf? He tried to warn me so many times, but I just scolded him for acting out of place.
Everything in my body is telling me to run to Nico, to apologize, to tell him I'm so, so sorry for being a bad mate, but I stand firm. I can't. Kayla and I are dating. Nico just found Luca. Because of this curse, I've gotten us into a difficult situation to get out of. Heck, Nico may not even want me after everything I've said and done. Maybe he wants Luca.
A growl rises in my throat. Even though I know that he is my mate, I still don't feel the mate attraction. I've heard that it's irresistible and pure bliss. Yet I can't feel it. It must still be suppressed by the spell, and the only way to break the spell is with time. How much time is unknown, and until then, I can't tell anyone I remember.
If I tell Nico I remember, then I'll be getting his hopes up when I can't even feel our attraction as strongly as normal mates. I'll be hurting Kayla by ditching her immediately for Nico, especially on Christmas. And I guess I'd be hurting the Luca person that Nico is with. The best move now is to wait for my memories and feelings to return, while slowly breaking things off with Kayla and winning Nico back.
My legs shake under my weigh. I slump against the wall, sitting on the cold tile floor. How could Nico bear to live with so many secrets? He has been through so much with his family, and then when he finds his mate again, he realizes his mate doesn't like him back. That must've been heartbreaking. On top of that, I've been such a douche bag.
I didn't visit Nico as much as I should've in the hospital, I even left to go on another mission when Nico was missing. I called him so many names and punched him. The whole time I blamed everything on Nico, but hasn't it all been my fault? Even the time when he insulted Kayla was because it hurt him so badly to see us together.
My fingers dig into my scalp as I investigate every moment I've spent with Nico since our time together. Can I rewind time and slap my old self? It will take me 10 lifetimes to make it up to Nico, but I'm willing to do it. I want to apologize to him. I want to pave over these dark times and actually be together with him. I want my feelings back.
I want Nico.
A/N: Well, that's chapter 37. It took me forever to finally write this. I started it shortly after 36, but then just went MIA as school started needing 100% attention.
Yesterday, I published the chapter, but then realized I didn't really like it, so I made it more juicy and detailed. I thought it was about time to let Alex have his love back.
I hope you all enjoyed. Comment and rate, please! I want to know what you guys think.