Chapter 53: White
Recap
"Well there's no easy way to say this," She said quietly but we could all hear her. "It's back."
Two words and my world practically shattered in front of my eyes.
Malia's POV
It was white. They always were. Everything was white. White was supposed to be happy. White was for weddings. This is a different kind of white. This white drags you on the ground and not like a wedding train. I took a deep breath before putting my hand on the doorknob and twisting it. I didn't go in. I didn't let the door finish opening. I held it. About three inches, I held it open. I squeezed my eyes shut taking another deep breath before just looking through the three inches.
You can do this Malia. Be strong. For him. With one last breath I quickly stepped into the room and shut the door quietly holding my breath like the air could kill me. Once the door was closed I leaned against it and let out my breath as I sunk to the cold tile floor.
For once I ignored the cold, I didn't care how it stung my skin and gave me goose bumps making me want to shrink. I let my bare legs feel the cold. I finally stood up and walked over to the bed. The beeping! How could I not mention the beeping, it was so annoying to hear but right now it was a sign. A sign that he was still alive. My breathing was unsteady as I set my bag gently on the chair next to the hospital bed. I didn't bother sitting down.
He was asleep. Just asleep. I bit my lip to keep some sort of control over myself. I pulled the blanket up a little higher to keep him warmer before sitting on the bed being sure not to hurt him. I touched his hand and it was warm. Mine were cold and sweaty. I didn't want my body temperature to effect his. I found a blanket and put my hand in the blanket before holding his hand in my blanket covered hand. I sniffled a little bit but no tears fell. I looked up at the ceiling to see more depressing white. I quickly looked away from the ceiling and at his face.
"Remember when I was little and mom and dad would bring me and Cam over to visit you guys? I would spend all day making puzzles on the carpet floor. Then when it was time to go to sleep you had this big book with golden tipped pages. I thought it was so pretty," I said with a small laugh. "I would always go looking for you and ask you to read it to me. You would always tell me that you couldn't read all of them. No matter how many times I begged you, you wouldn't. So when I finally got it into my head that I could only have one I always picked the same one. The one about the princess and the maid. With the mix-up about the ring. I loved that one," I said as I smiled remembering all the times I sat on his lap and he read to me. "I remember one time you asked me if I wanted to hear a different story and I had said no. I didn't like trying new things because I only had one story and I didn't want to waste it. But I remember you convinced me to listen to a story of your choice. It was the one about the seven brothers. They each had a special power. One could become a tornado, one could swallow anything, one could grow legs, one had eyes in the back of his head," I said with a sad smile. "You taught me how to tie my shoe. We would always walk down to the field that had horses in it together with Cam. You're a great grandpa gramps," I said with a smile that was getting heavier and heavier.
I jumped a little when I heard the door open. I turned to see it was Grammie and Cam. I looked down into my lap and wiped my nose a little bit.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to take up so much time," I said as I carefully got off of the bed. I walked over to Gramps and I gave him a kiss on the forehead. I wanted to stay in the room but at the same time I didn't. But I left the room to give Cam and grammie some time with him.
When I got out of the room it was still there. All of it was still there. The stomach cancer, the white, the cold tiles, everything. Nothing felt better or worse. It was all numb. I sat down next to the door to the room just staring at the wall across from me.
I should probably call Shawn and Lily. I dialed Lily first. As I waited for her to pick up I could feel reality sinking in and with every ring it got harder and harder to breathe.
"HEY! HAD MY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL TODAY!" She said with happiness and it broke me. I didn't want to just break that. I took a deep breath and the acting begun.
"That's great! What did you do?" I asked with the best happy I could muster.
"Not much, I mean its school so it's not like it's fun," She says with a laugh. "What about you? How was your day?" She asked. I sucked in a deep breath.
"Um well I don't know," and I broke. I couldn't lie to Lily, I couldn't play it off like I could handle it, I couldn't deal with this, I couldn't sit in the hall. I didn't know how to do this. I started hyperventilating. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I just didn't want to ruin your day. You sounded so happy I didn't want to just ruin it," I rambled into the phone.
"Wait, Malia what are you talking about? What's wrong? Are you okay?" She asked.
"My Gramps stomach cancer is back," I whispered into the phone but she heard it. She heard it because it was silent.
"Life sure does suck sometimes," She finally said and I couldn't help but laugh. This is why she's my best friend. She won't beat around the bush telling me she's sorry. It's not her fault she doesn't have to apologize. Saying sorry doesn't change anything. Its pity.
"Yeah life does suck sometimes," I say. "We're all at the hospital except for you and Shawn obviously," I tell her.
"Does Shawn know?" She asks.
"No not yet," I tell her.
"Oh well I'll let you call him," She says to me. She knows I don't know what to say and she doesn't know what to say either. I would much rather just sit with her on the phone in silence. No talking, just knowing she's there.
"Okay I'll talk to you at some point," I tell her.
"Alright hang in there I love you," She shouts.
"I love you too."
Alright now its time to call Shawn.
"Hey Mals? How is life?" He asks and I can hear the smile on his face.
"Honestly, not so great," I said. Not so great was a complete understatement but whatever.
"What's wrong?" He asks.
"My Gramps has stomach cancer again," I breathe out.
"What do you mean again?" He asks.
"Well what do you think I mean? He's had it in the past, they said he was cancer free but I guess not," I explain and my voice was getting grainier as I continued to speak.
"Are you okay?" He asked softly. "I mean obviously you're not okay but how are you handling it?"
"It's not easy walking into a room and seeing one of the most important people in my life in that bed. I'm not crying I guess that's good. I don't know," I breathed out.
"I know you Malia, you are strong. But you don't always have to be. The strongest people break down too," He said trying to reassure me.
"I know thanks Shawn," I said with an attempted smile even though he couldn't see.
"You know I'm here for you, just a phone call away," He said.
"I know," I whispered. "I'm um gonna go now," I said not entirely sure how to end the conversation.
"Okay. He'll be okay," Shawn said and then we hung up.
I stood up and looked into the small window to see Cam talking to Gramps. It was a bad window so I couldn't see much else but I decided not to pry. Even though Cam was my brother I know he wanted to be alone with Grammie and Gramps.
I walked back to the lobby to find all the guys and Bryant practically taking up all the lobby chairs. When they saw me they all stood up and gave me a hug. I didn't really want a hug right now, well I don't know what I want. I just stood there until they let go.
"Bryant you really don't have to be here," I told him. I didn't want him to waste his time here, he had never met the guy.
"It's okay I don't have anywhere else to be. Also I hope this isn't too much right now but if you were looking for a subject for your freedom roll you could do it on your grandfather," He said. I didn't say anything I just let what he said sink in.
"Thanks for the idea," I said with a small forced smile. I didn't say anything else. I didn't have anything else to say. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to go on twitter and let the Nafians know. Well I did want them to be aware but I didn't feel like typing it out on my phone.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Cameron and Grammie walk into the lobby. I rushed over to them and I threw myself onto Cam. He hugged me back tightly.
"You guys should go home, he's not going to wake up until at least tomorrow," Grammie said. All the guys nodded but I didn't want to leave.
"Can I stay?" I asked Grammie. She looked at me tiredly before nodding. Cameron looked at me as if asking if I was sure but all I did was nod. Matt came over and kissed my temple before whispering 'I love you'. I watched as they all piled up into one elevator and I remembered the conversations we would have in there. Porn or murder?
I followed Grammie into the room once again and there were two chairs this time. I sat in one and Grammie sat in the other. I didn't want to talk about the elephant in the room. But I had to ask.
"What did they say?" I finally asked her, breaking the silence. She looked at her hands in her lap before taking a breath.
"They're doing what they can. It's too late for surgery and it has spread too far for him to go through treatment again and survive," She said quietly playing with her hands. I reached over and grabbed her hand causing her to stop. She looked up at me and I saw the tears in her eyes. I couldn't stand to watch my grammie cry. I stood up and held her in my arms as the tears fell. It was hard. Not to cry. It was near impossible. But I managed. "They said he has a week," She finally said.
*BOOM*
How do you react to that? Do you scream and shout? Do you cry your eyes out? Do you run away? Do you eat all the food you can find? Do you break everything in sight? What am I supposed to do?
I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing. I just sat there emotionless. I couldn't think. It was all too much.
I picked number three.
I ran. I didn't know where I was going. Well my brain didn't but my legs did. I bolted down the hallways and down the stairs. I burst out of the doors and ran down the street.
** ** ** **
I touched the wood on the door. I didn't have a key and I knew it was locked. I ran around the back and climbed over the fence. There had to be something unlocked. The garage! I punched in the key code and the garage door rose. I ran in and opened the door to the back. Once inside I closed the door. I didn't take my shoes off. I ran to the drawers underneath the television and started looking for it. But I couldn't find it. It wasn't there. All the dvds and puzzles were there but it was missing.
I ran to the master bedroom and started looking everywhere for it. I looked in the drawers under the TV in the master bedroom but it wasn't there either. I looked under the bed and in the closet. Eventually I collapsed on the bed and just stared at the ceiling.
"AHAHHAFOHOHFO!" I shouted out in frustration. "WHERE IS IT?" I shouted as I shook my head all over the place. Then I saw something. Something gold caught my eye and I stopped. I got quiet. I pushed my hair back and walked over to his nightstand. I pushed off the clothes that were on top of it and there it was. I grabbed it and held it in my arms and hugged it tightly.
"I found you," I whispered over and over again as I rocked back and forth.
I finally stood up and walked out of the house. I made sure to shut the garage door or Grammie would give me hell for it. I had no idea how I got here and I had no idea how to get back to the hospital. But I could use the walk anyway.
I started down the sidewalk hugging the book tightly to my chest as I did.
** ** ** ** ** ** **
It took all night but I approached the hospital at 5am. I looked up at the wretched building before making my way through the entrance. I got a couple of weird looks but I ignored it. I didn't ride the elevator up, I took the stairs. I didn't rush I walked slowly taking my time. When I got to the room I paused.
When I walked into the room I was a bit surprised to see all the guys standing around my gramps. All heads turned to me when they heard the door open. They looked relieved. Wait why do they look relieved? Grammie probably called Cam saying you ran off idiot. I ignored myself as I walked over to them.
"Where did you go?" Cam asked. He wasn't angry he sounded exhausted but I could hear the worry.
"I went to their house," I said quietly as I walked to Gramps' bedside.
"You walked?" He asked incredulously.
"Ran actually, but you could say walked," I answered quite calmly. I wasn't entirely sure why I was acting this way.
"Why?" He asked with confusion. I held up the book for him to see. I saw Grammie smile but Cam just looked frustrated.
"You ran from here to grammie and gramps' house just to get a book? You scared me and the guys to death for a book?" He asked. He wasn't shouting but he was getting there. I knew he was just tired.
"It's a special book," I said as I looked at it with a smile.
"I don't ca—" He started but Carter stopped him.
"Dude, calm down, I get you were worried but look at her, imagine how she feels? I mean yeah it was crazy but that book was obviously important enough for her to run all the way and get it," Carter whispered to him but I could hear him. Cameron looked at the book and then me before he let it go.
My eyes drifted to gramps. He wasn't awake but I was hoping he would wake up soon.
"How long have you been here?" I asked quietly.
"Grammie called us around one am when you didn't come back, so we have been here since 1:30," Cameron said.
"Sorry," I muttered. I backed away from Gramps and sat down in the chair and opened the book. I flipped until I found the story I was looking for.
"That wasn't your favorite story," Grammie remarked curiously as she sat down in the chair next to me.
"No," I said with a small smile, "but it was his."
I let my fingers feel the pages and the gold edges.
"Why does everyone look so sad?" A voice said and I looked up from the book to see Gramps was awake and I laughed. I set the book down and gave him a hug.
"What happened to you?" He asked once he took in my appearance.
"Long story," I mumbled with a shy smile.
"Well I haven't got much else to do," He joked. "Why are you all here?" He asked. He doesn't know. I turned to Grammie and I could see the guilt in her eyes.
"DOCTOR!" I quickly shouted and a few seconds later a doctor came into the room.
"Well I'm glad to see you're awake Mr. Calahan," He said as he held a clip board. Everyone had backed away from the bed. "Do you remember what happened before you were taken to the hospital?" The doctor asked.
"I was sleeping wasn't I?" He asked.
"Well yes you were, but you started choking on your own vomit. But it was blood instead of food," The doctor said and my breath hitched and I grabbed the closest hand and squeezed. I didn't look to see whose hand it was. I continued to watch my gramps. I saw his face change and I could see it. He knew. He didn't even have to be told. He knew.
"I have stomach cancer," He said.
"Yes I am terribly sorry. We can't go into surgery and I'm afraid if we started treatment you wouldn't survive," The doctor said sadly. I could never be a doctor. I could never do that. Break news like that to people.
"How long do I have?" He asked. Gramps didn't like hospitals either.
"A week," The doctor said quietly before leaving the room.
"So that's the reason for this gathering," He stated. "Well don't just stand there. Come closer, you'd think that you would treat a guy with cancer better than that," He said with a laugh which made everyone else laugh. "So as you know we don't have very much time so I need to hear everything that has happened don't leave anything out," He said as he sat up a little bit.
That was how the entire day was spent. We all took turns telling him stories about our lives and stuff about the future. I got to take some pictures on my film camera of him and the boys. I told him and grammie about my whole photography project for the end of the year. He really liked it.
"I know you probably don't want to but you should say something to the Nafians," Hayes said. I looked to Cam and he nodded. We both went on our phones and onto twitter.
@MaliaIDallas: #prayforgrampsdallas this week is going to be really hard so please pray for him for me and Cam
I didn't really know what to say.
@CameronDallas: #prayforgrampdallas our gramps is in the hospital so please pray for him
I retweeted it and favorited and Cam did the same with mine. Well now that, that's done. I didn't want to face the media.
"Does Dad know?" I suddenly asked out loud.
"Yes," Grammie said.
"Well how is he? What did he say?" I asked anxiously.
"He can't come if that's what you're asking," She said sadly. She knew me too well. I let out a frustrated breath but let it go. It's not his fault.
"Hey gramps look what I got," I said as I walked and held up the book. I saw as a huge smile stretched on his face.
"You loved that book," He said pointing at it before motioning for me to give it to him. I carefully placed it in his lap so he could look through it.
"Your grand-daughter ran from here to our house to find that book," Grammie said pointedly and I smiled sheepishly at Gramps.
"You're just like your mother, ambitious," He said looking at me and I smiled.
"What can I say?" I joked.
"Here it is," Gramps suddenly said pointing a page. "This was Malia's favorite story," He said with a proud smile on his face. He cleared his throat and I knew he was about to read the story. I quickly got onto his bed and sat cross-legged ready to listen. All the guys sat on the floor or in the chairs. I saw Grammie pick up my phone and Cameron's phone and she started taking pictures of Gramps reading to us. She also took a couple with my film camera. I love my Grammie.
I listened starry-eyed as Gramps read to us. It was like nothing had changed. When he finished I clapped like a child.
"Okay it's my turn now," I said with a huge smile on my face as I carefully took the book from him and flipped until I found the right story. As I began to read the story I heard gramps laugh.
"This one's my favorite," He said and I smiled the entire time I read the story.
We spent the whole day with him, just talking about pretty much everything. He told all of us stories about when he was younger. It was nice. Nash was thinking well enough and he started videotaping everything. We were asking gramps all these weird questions.
"What do you have to say to all the haters?" I asked as I leaned on his shoulder. I was currently lying next to him on the hospital bed.
"Don't listen to em'. You don't need people like that in your life, keep your chin up and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do what you do," He said and I smiled. Then he looked directly at me, "You my dear have a gift. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You keep pushing and working hard because all your hard work will pay off and what a sight that will be," He mused and my heart melted and I hugged him.
"Hey gramps!" Cameron said and gramps looked at Cameron. "What do you have to say to all your Nafians?" He asked with a laugh.
"I have Nafians?" Gramps asked with this surprised look on his face and we all laughed.
"What advice to you have to give your grandkids?" Grammie asked and gramps looked at us both.
"Don't eat too much cake," He said and I started laughing. "Oh advice. Be your own person, all of you," He said directed at the guys as well, "don't let something small get in the way of your friendship with each other. Look at the bigger picture of everything because you would be surprised at how much clearer everything is. How's that for advice?" He said. "Oh and don't fly AirCanada," he added and we all laughed.
"Alright will do," Taylor said.
"Will you sing me part of your song?" Gramps asked out of the blue. "The one you have been telling me about?" He asked and I smiled. He wouldn't be there to hear it when it came out.
"Yeah hey Jack and Jack gramps wants to hear the song we've been working on with Ari," I told them.
"Alright yeah sure," They said as they stood up. It obviously didn't sound as good as it could have because we were missing Ari and music. But he loved it still.
"That's off the charts!" He shouted trying to sound cool and I couldn't help but giggle at him. Eventually Grammie made us go home so we could shower and eat. She said she was going home as well to get some rest. Gramps had fallen asleep so we were going to come back and visit tomorrow.
When I got home I knew that either Cameron or I had to explain to the Nafians what was going on. I couldn't bring myself to do it so I asked Cameron to. I took a shower and got all cleaned up. It was a longer shower than normal. I just stood there for 15 minutes talking to myself about gramps.
When I finally got out of the shower realization hit me. I had missed a full day of school. I quickly logged on to see the homework assignments had been posted. Well more history reading. I also missed my English paper deadline, despite the fact that I had the paper finished.
I quickly sent an e-mail to my teacher explaining why I had missed class and was unable to turn it in. I attached the paper in my e-mail. I thought that now was probably a good time to e-mail all of my teachers to let them know that I might be missing class this week.
It was weird, talking about cancer. I didn't like it.
Once I was able to get that out of the way I went downstairs to get some food. I hadn't eaten since yesterday at lunch and in my state of panic I had forgotten about food. I dialed up the pizza guy and ordered a couple pizzas.
When they arrived I ate probably six slices I was so hungry. I went on twitter and I found that Cameron had already tweeted it. It was on twitlonger since it wouldn't fit into 160 characters.
I clicked on it and began to read it.
Malia and I are sorry for not giving you guys a lot of information. Our gramps has stomach cancer. He has had it before and now it's back. We got the call on Tuesday night and we rushed to the hospital. Our gramps is one of the strongest people ever. The first thing he said when he was told that it was back was 'Well don't just stand there. Come closer, you'd think that you would treat a guy with cancer better than that'. That's the kind of guy he is. He jokes and can always make the mood a bit lighter and happier. Our gramps is a strong man but this time the cancer was a little bit stronger. He only has a week left and so Malia and I ask that you pray for him please. We know that we can't make it go away but hopefully his death will be painless. Cancer, contradictory to what most people believe, is not painless. You don't just lie in bed all day and mope about having cancer. It hurts. It is excruciatingly painful. Our gramps has been through it three times, and this is his fourth. We ask that you please pray for him and for his pain to go away. #prayforgrampsdallas thank you we love you.
I retweeted the link before shutting the laptop off. I didn't really want to think about it. I called Lily up hoping she would be able to talk.
L: Hey, how are you holding up?
M: Better we spent the whole day with him, telling stories. Nash even got a video of us asking him questions and stuff.
L: Well that's good. I saw Cameron's tweet. A week isn't long, are you sure you don't want me to come out?
M: Yeah you have school and stuff.
L: I know but you're my best friend and you're more important than any of that.
M: Thanks but really, I don't want to take you away from your work.
L: Okay. Let's move on from this, cancer is depressing.
M: Agreed. So you know about my photo class.
L: Yeah.
M: Well if we rewind a little bit. I met Bryant and we did a photo shoot and it was fun and whatever but for my photo class we have an end of the year project that we do and I asked Bryant for input on what I should do and we were able to come up with a project that involves the Nafians. But I'm going to take it farther than just my school project I am going to make like videos about it on YouTube and stuff so it will be sort of like a documentary about the Nafians and how vital they are etc.
L: Wow, that's a really good idea. Who's filming?
M: Nash and Bryant said they would. We called Bart and everything is all sorted out. I am really excited about the project.
L: So am I, I can't wait to see how it goes.
M: So what about you?
L: Well you know how people can be. Since everyone found out that I am best friends with you and the guys they haven't stopped coming up to me and stuff.
M: I'm sorry I hate that. I didn't want people to come up to me just to get to Cameron just because I was his sister and stuff like that.
L: I'll get through it though.
M: I know you will. Hey you wanna face time?
L: Yeah sure.
That's how I spent my night. Talking to my best friend. Even though she was three hours ahead of me she still managed to stay up and talk to me. We transferred to laptops that way it was easier to see the other. I took a picture of my laptop screen and her before posting it on Instagram.
Caption: even though my best friend is on the other side of the country she never fails to make me feel better. Thank you so much Lily for everything really. I love you so much thank you.
"You know I'm always here for you babe, I would fly all the way over there in a heartbeat if you didn't think you could handle it no matter the cost," She said and I smiled sadly.
"Thank you," I said trying not to cry as I forced another smile. She kissed her palm before pressing it to the camera and I did the same.
"I love you Malia," She said.
"I love you Lily," I said before we ended the face time. It was four am in Florida after all and she had school tomorrow. I heard a knock on my door just as I ended the face time. I looked up to see Matt standing in the doorway and I smiled. "Hey," I said softly.
"Hey," He said quietly as he shut the door and made his way over to me. I crawled into his lap and he held me tightly in his chest.
He didn't say anything and I was glad for it. I didn't want to talk about. He just kissed the top of my head as he held me.
"Thank you," I whispered into his chest as my arms found their way around his neck to hug him tighter.
"You don't need to thank me," He said. "I want to be here for you Malia. I'm your boyfriend, don't think that I will back out when it gets tough, I will be here for you," He said as he kissed my forehead before we got under the covers and fell asleep together.
Well that was depressing. That was also kind of hard to write. It's not easy dealing with cancer. That's all I can say.
xoxo
-simplicational's queen