Deep, Daniel sucked fresh air into his lungs. He listened to the distant melodious chirping of birds, the soft rush of water of the small stream. Scattered sunbeams fought their way through dense foliage and fir trees, speckled the slowly passing landscape in a variety of shades of green and yellow. Daniel watched in silence as the dull and bark-and-pine-needled soil past beneath his feet. He dodged small branches and fallen pine cones while he fell for the rhythm of the forest.
He enjoyed the feeling of running. To feel alive. To be carefree. Only a year ago, he had believed that it would never happen again. But it was over. At this place his past didn't matter, because nobody knew.
It pleasantly tingled in his legs. In his stomach spread the first anticipation of the upcoming competition. In the last winter season, he had competed at his first World Cup Competitions and even if these went not quite as he had wished, he simply felt that it gets better.
In training he always showed results, which getting better and better. He enjoyed, what he did. Carefree, he could compete, and he really enjoyed the time in their team. With a slight smile on his face, he slowed his pace as the end of the forest came in view. He could hear the voice of the stadium speaker, who moderated the Continental Cup Competition here in Kranj.
"...crazy! I have never seen anyone jumping like this! "-
"I know what you mean. I saw it from below and honestly - Hey, Daniel - "Dawid interrupted his conversation with Macjei as they passed by the Norwegian. Daniel greeted him warmly before the Poles continued their conversation. "From the bottom it looked like he was about to fell every moment. How is such a thing ... sible? "
Slowly the voices faded behind him and Daniel curiously asked himself, who the two Poles had spoken about as he stepped out of the forest and the summer heat hit him.
"Watch out!" - "Arrgh! Crap! "-" Yes!" Under loud shouts of the Austrian B-Team a ball flew unhindered into the forest. The North Americans, who warmed up themselves directly across among the shades of a huge fir, watched the spectacle. Daniel exchanged a quick grin with Kevin as he passed them. It was not the first time that the young Austrians lost the ball.
Sweating he continued his way and dropped to the bench in front of the container as the door opened and Joachim stepped outside. This weekend there were only the two of them, who would represent the Norwegian nation. "What a heat!" Moaned Joachim as he stopped next to him and peered wistfully into the Frenchman's cabin, which had a cooling fan attached.
"It's summer. What did you expect? "Daniel laughed gleefully, while he grabbed a water bottle from the cooler and poured it over his head.
"That you, like any other person, too, drink from the bottle, Mr. Waste of water" snorted Joachim beside him. "Drinking water is a precious - giupffft! Daniel!"
"You are a wretched denigrator. Enjoy the sun and sit back! "He invited Joachim as he watched his teammate wiped the water from his face.
"You're in high spirits today, aren't you," grumbled Joachim and sat down next to him on the bench.
"Why not? The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and we are about to compete again. What could be better? ", Daniel leaned back and meant it absolutely serious. He had never been that happy about his life before. If it was up to him, it could stay that way for all eternity.
"Cooler weather. Or have you forgotten that you must force yourself into your very own oven, called jumping suits, in a few moments? "Joachim muttered next to him. He just wasn't made for the temperatures of midsummer.
"It's gettin' hot in herre so hot, so take off all your clothes, I am, gettin' so hot, I wanna take my clothes off, "Daniel began to sing and moved his shoulders to the beat. Joachim started to laugh and gave him a pat, as Peter passed by. The Slovenian greeted them, and looked like he didn't know, what he should think of Daniel's vocal performance.
"You're such a dumbass!" Joachim snorted.
"Otherwise, I can't endure your whining," Daniel countered and Joachim nodded beside him.
"Maybe you're right. But you're to blame if the First Aid Team is on the way right now because Peter thinks you have a heat stroke. By the way, did you see him jumping? "Joachim changed the subject without warning.
"Whom?" Daniel asked, confused.
"Prevc Junior the second. Domen."-
"What is special with him?"
"Your question tells me everything. You haven't watched him, yet. Look at his jump, honestly: you have not seen that yet, "Joachim told him as he rose and stared into the distance. "Fuck heat," Joachim disappeared inside the container again, leaving a Daniel shaking his head behind.
Motivated, Daniel jumped up and enjoyed the warm feeling of the sun on his skin. Then he decided to grab one of the hurdles and train a bit near the small screen. Domen Prevc. He hadn't even known that Peter had another brother.
Driven by his curiosity, Daniel wind through the jumpers accommodation in the shadow of the containers. Listened to the conversations and noticed that for some reason today there was hardly any other topic of conversation than the style of jumping of Domen Prevc. Lost in thought, he wondered what could be that special about the Slovenian, as the door in front of him was suddenly opened. At the last moment, Daniel stopped, avoiding a collision with a pair of skis that suddenly crossed his way. Including its owner.
"And now get a move on!" Somebody called outbound. Furiously, the owner of the skis turned around, so that Daniel could catch a glimpse of his face.
"Do you realize that my timing won't improve if you keep on detaining me with your sermons?!", the brown-haired boy hissed annoyed in front of him, before he continued his way. And in doing so, he almost killed Daniel for the third time within a minute without even noticing it. The end of skis could be dangerous, if you didn't watch out.
Motionlessly, Daniel stared at the white-and-blue skis that had been fastened to the wall of the hotel as a decoration. Everything started at that day two years ago. He had been satisfied with his life. He just found himself again. And then Domen had appeared. Without warning. And he almost floored him.
"It will become better again," Tom broke through the tense silence. "You know the saying: unlucky in love, lucky at car-... Well, next year is a tournament again," corrected the Norwegian himself hastily, as he noticed his faux pas. He shrugged apologetically as Andreas evil eye hit him.
Dull murmurs reached them in the new arising silence. Daniel stared silently to the ground, pulling on a small thread that had come loose from the cover of the chair he was sitting in.
"Oh, that's crap!", Tom cursed, who hardly endured the gloomy mood. "What? I'm right! ", Replied the Norwegian, when he noticed the looks of his friends. "I mean, other mothers have nice sons, too."
"That's not helpful, Tom," Andreas said and Tom sighed.
"Yes, I know. Names, phone numbers and addresses would be better, but what should I do? "
"To shut up for example?" Anders suggested dry and Andreas nodded affirmatively. Expectantly, they looked at Daniel. They waited for a reaction. The faint smile Daniel that he was able to show cost him more strength than the last hours.
They won and lost together. It has always been like that. And he knew every one of them meant well for him. After his jump, they all had tried to cheer him up. They hadn't left his side for one second. Had listened to him when he had hesitantly told of Domen, of course, without saying his name. And it had been so infinitely liberating to be able to speak free, that he wished he could undo it.
"... you think about, Daniel?" Waiting, Tom looked at him and Andreas next to him burst out laughing.
"Before someone of us could take you along somewhere, you definitely need a muzzle," chuckled Andreas and Daniel looked tired between the two back and forth.
"Very funny. But imagine, even this sacrifice I would make, if Daniel prefers such establishments. Unlike others here, I'm a good wingman and wouldn't melt into thin air after the first sip of beer like some other I wouldn't name now, "Tom replied, before turning back to Daniel. "So? What are you saying? You and me? Together in search of your great love? In the gay clubs of Norway? ", Tom wagged his eyebrows. It was the straw to break the camel's back.
"I'm going for a walk." Daniel announced abruptly. Otherwise he would start screaming. He hadn't had a minute alone for the last two hours. Instead there were countless attempts to cheer him up. He knew that life was going on. But he simply didn't have the strength left to engage in it. Not yet. Determined, he jumped up from his chair.
"Should we join you?" -
"NO!", he said hastily. Embarrassed, he scratched his head. He had a guilty conscience, but he needed fresh air and the feeling that he could giving in the darkness for a moment before he could endure further encouragements. "I mean thank you, but no thanks. Not necessary. I'll see you later! ", Daniel said goodbye to his friends. And didn't go very far when he was grabbed by the arm. Anders dragged him into a dark corner.
"Everything okay?", His counterpart scrutinized him suspiciously.
"What do you think?" Daniel asked tired.
"That we should misuse the little bastard as a living voodoo doll," Anders replied darkly, as he noticed Daniels gaze. "Okay, don't worry: For me there will be no Slovenian Pighead on a skewer today. But I- Daniel I want to help you, but I have no idea what to do or say. "
"You want to help me? Then start with yourself. "
"What?"
"Shit, I can't turn back time. I can't undo all this, and you wouldn't believe how much I want it at the moment. But you ... you have every chance! ", Daniel said in frustration.
"What's that supposed to mean?", Anders looked at him suspiciously.
"Oh, come on. You know exactly what I mean! I just don't understand you. Silje is great. Honestly. And if you would be honest with yourself for a tiny little moment, then you would admit that you intentionally screwed up your date, "Daniel blurted out. He had seen Anders observe Silje and Cene. The steep creases on his forehead, the disapprovingly clenched lips.
"It doesn't matter anyways, does it?", Anders nodded darkly in the direction Cene and Silje sat together and laughed.
"You can't be serious! We both know that Silje is out of Cene's league. You have a real chance and I don't understand why you don't take it. I mean, at least you would have tried. No matter how it will end ... ", Daniel mumbled. He had tried. Had tried to make the right decisions. And now?
Both fell silent, watching the two from afar, until Anders began to speak: "Will you manage?"
"If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love," Daniel quoted one of his favorite songs and tried to smile at Anders. "But it's okay. I just need a little time. "
"Maybe he needs time too? And without any threat of violence, it may take a while, until something works through the cement skull, " Anders considered and raised a sad smile from Daniel.
"Maybe, but I can't turn back time. I can't hide myself any longer. Not now, where I know how it feels to be free."
"I know, but that's a good thing, Daniel. Even if it doesn't look like it today, "Anders replied and patted his shoulder comfortingly.
"Even so. I wish it was different," Daniel replied, before turning around and swiftly crossing the foyer. He ignored the pain as he passed Cene.
At least, Domen was right about one thing: he had been waiting the whole time. Hoping his nearly fall would give Domen a wakeup call. Like in the Disney movies. With glittering rain, a confession of love, kisses and ride in the sunset at the end. But it didn't happen.
Overwhelmed by the heaviness in his chest, Daniel rushed out of the hotel, sucking the cold, clear air into his lungs, trying to breathe freely again. To fight the tears down. Restless, he looked around. Step by step he began to run. Faster and faster. Through the snowy narrow lighted streets of Bischofshofen. On and on uphill. His lungs burned. The river rushed beside him. Gradually it swallowed the sounds of the city. Icy wind tugged at his clothes. Snowflakes whipped painfully against his face. White masses of snow rolled past him in the darkness.
Daniel peeked at the crowd in front of him. His gaze remained much too easy on the neon-green boy who had just stomped out of the container of the Slovenians. Watched him, how he elegantly overcome the hurdles in front of him and serenely ended his imitation exercises.
"Good luck, today!", Kenneth patted him on the shoulder and made him wince. He hadn't notice him.
"The same to you," Daniel said a little late and turned away. He had to stop this. Urgently.
"Everything alright with you?", Kenneth paused and looked at him. Something that had happened too often lately. They would notice something, if he didn't stop watching Domen.
"Yes, I was only lost in thought. Won't be easy today, "replied Daniel and turned his eyes towards the hill. The flags on top of the tower fluttered in the strong wind.
"You say it. See you later", Kenneth waved goodbye and Daniel stared frustrated at the spot where Domen had been a few minutes earlier. There was no reason why Domen was that captivating. Maybe it was because everyone was fascinated by him? Because of his style of jumping, which caused him goosebumps every time Daniel saw him jumping. He just had to stay away from him. At some point these feelings would disappear.
Determined, Daniel turned to the forest. He would pull himself together now and go jog. There was nothing special about Domen. He was just a jumper colleague like everyone else, too. He had let himself carry away by the others, Daniel thought grimly as he jumped over an ice puddle.
The problem was, he had said that many times before. That he would stop. Nevertheless, he caught himself watching Domen from afar the next moment. It was now half a year since the Slovenian almost killed him with his skis, and he still fascinated Daniel. He made him nervous, if they met. And he let him die a thousand deaths, because he was afraid that someone could notice that he wasn't like the others. Even so his heart bounced in anticipation if the starter lists were announced and he read the name of the Slovenian.
Grimly he increased his pace. He wouldn't let his life be ruined by a teenager who didn't even know, he existed. He would never go through this again. He had learned his lesson, Daniel thought, furiously digging his fingernails into his hand as he entered the narrow footbridge out of wood that led across the small stream. In surprise he noticed Domen, which appeared on the other side. He didn't look up and had headphones in his ears. He was completely oblivious to his surroundings. Like always. The Slovenian had no idea, what he had caused with his appearance, Daniel thought angry.
Determined not to give him that much influence over him, Daniel ran on. Until their paths intersected, and Daniel realized too late that the footbridge was too narrow for them to pass each other.
Cursing, Daniel slowed down, but nevertheless he crashed into the Slovenian, who was completely surprised by this attack. Domen lost his balance and fell in the icy shallow water of the stream with loud splashes.
"Can't you watch out!?", He glared up at Daniel. It was the first time he spoke with him. The first time he noticed Daniel.
"Ehm ...", Daniel struggled for words. He was prisoned by hot and cold angry forest eyes.
"I'm not sure if this is the right time for a lap in the kiddy pool, Domen," Anže mocked amused. He just came back from jogging and this was the only way out of the forest back to the jumper's accommodation. "And without water wings!"
"Fuck you, too, pal," the Slovenian started to shiver and stared angrily at his compatriot.
"I'm sorry, I-" Daniel started apologizing and wanted to reach for Domen's hand to help him out of the water. But the Slovenian thrust aside his hand.
"Better buy yourself some glasses," he grumbled while he laboriously climbed out of the water. Immediately he began to wring out his clothes. "Shit, it's cold!"
"I'm sure it won't harm your hothead," Anže commented unasked and obviously enjoyed the whole thing. "You look like a drowned rat!", Giggled the older Slovenian, while he pushed carefully past Daniel and disappeared around the next corner laughingly.
Curious, Daniel looked back and forth between the two, until the Norwegian realized that his gaze had stayed at Domen. The young Slovenian trembled in every limb. His lips had started to become blue. Hastily, Daniel undressed his jacket. "Wait. Here. Take this. You're sure- "
"I won't become dry again because of that", Domen grumbled stubbornly, and prefered to keep on shivering. Unintentionally, Domen flicked a switch and Daniel became angry.
"Hey, I wasn't the only one, who didn't pay attention!", He said fuming to the Slovenian. The tension, the frustration of the past few months erupted at that moment. Domen had also crashed into his life unsolicited. "And it's just water, so calm down!"
"You're welcome to swap places," offered Domen snappily, as he watched the jacket that Daniel held in front of his face again. Reluctantly, the Slovenian tore the jacket from Daniels hand and tried to slip into it quickly. But it wasn't that easy because of his wet clothes and the fact that Daniel's jacket was at least two sizes too big for him. The sleeves slipped over his fingers every time he tried to close the zipper. His trembling fingers weren't that helpful, too.
"I'll help you," Daniel instinctively stepped forward. The moment he touched Domen's icy fingers Daniel realized that he had made a mistake.
With bated breath he prayed that Domen wouldn't notice the slight trembling of his hands. He felt that he turned red as he pulled the zipper up and his eyes directly sank into Domens.
"Have you quite finished?" Domen broke the silence between them with a raucous voice. Immediately, Daniel stepped back. He was hardly able to control the panic, which had seized him.
"Are you always that exhausting, or am I just the lucky one?" He finally said in a more hostile tone, than he wanted. Domen wasn't allowed to notice anything. This part of his life was everything what was left.
"I'm not exhausting!", Domen folded his arms defiantly. For some reason, that Daniel didn't understand, the Slovenian seemed suddenly lonely and vulnerable with his oversized jacket. Although he raised his chin proudly and gave him evil eyes. But it was that moment, which touched Daniel. And that scared the Norwegian more than anything else.
"If you think, princess," Daniel shrugged and turned away. He began to walk while the pulse in his ears rustled with the stream.
Breathing heavily, Daniel watched the water in front of him. Listened to its sound. The place where Domen had noticed him the first time properly. The place where he had realized, that it would be almost impossible to get his feelings back under control. That late afternoon, a year ago, when he had accidently pushed Domen into the water shortly before the ephany ski jumping competition had begun.
He had really tried to ban Domen out of his head, but something about him hadn't left him alone since that day. He hadn't been able to undo his new awoken feelings.
Like the feeling to know who he was. To know, what it was like to participate in life again. To risk something. To evolve himself. It felt right, but why did he end up here? Alone. In the dark.
Desperately, he looked around. Wind swept through the trees, howled in the night. It lashed small snowflakes to the ground, which laid down on the ground. The snow protected the plants from the freezing cold. Smooth and even, the forest lay in front of him. He could hear the waterfall, which was around the corner. Everything was unspoiled. Harmonious.
Everything except of him. Wildly he began to trample the virgin snow. He wanted to destroy this picture. To leave his marks, like Domen had left its mark on him. He swept the snow from the footbridge into the stream, tugged at a few branches, letting snow showers rain down on the forest floor. His wake of devastation pervaded through the small forest idyll.
Purposefully, he strode to the bench, as he stumbled over a snow-covered stone. He just barely prevented a fall.
"I see you're slowly get the hang of your walking disability," A voice rushed to him through the storm.
Surprised, Daniel's heart skipped a beat. Hesitantly, he turned around.
"Or let's say, you don't fall to the ground at every possible opportunity anymore," Domen said. The wind blew Daniel snow into his face, which felt like a thousand pinpricks.
"Is that all you have to say to me?" Daniel asked and Domen fell silent. Daniel saw the helplessness in his face. "Do you know what the irony of the whole story is? Because of you, I realized that I had bolted myself in for years. I was in my self-made cage for years. Until I started secretly watching you through the bars. Shit, I admired you. You have never avoided a fight. Or let twist yourself into a pretzel. I don't want to walk around with a huge rainbow flag, Domen. I just don't want to lie anymore when I am asked if there is a special girl in my life. I want to be able to show myself in public with my boyfriend. I just want to be me" Hesitantly Daniel approached Domen, gently stroking with his hand over his cheek, and looked him pleadingly into the eyes. "Do you understand?"
"Yes, I do" Domen breathed, snuggling up to his hand and closing his eyes for a moment. "I'm a selfish asshole. A catastrophe and the worst, I sounded like Peter. The tournament ... your fall ... that's all my fault and you wouldn't believe how sorry I am ", Domen wrapped his cold hands around Daniel's face and pulled Daniel down to himself. Leaning his forehead against his.
"It wasn't. I was the one who messed up the jump," Daniel whispered softly against the cheek of the Slovenian. Wistful he heard Domen sigh.
"Maybe, but ... I can't do that. Us. Not if I sometimes wish, that I would never have met you. That everything should become normal again. I don't want to be that selfish asshole. You deserve something better. You know, I am right" whispered Domen and Daniel broke away.
"I ... but ... why are you here?! Why did you come here, if you wanted it to end? ", Daniel asked, hoping Domen would realize that they could be great together.
"To make sure that you stay the course. Because I want you to have your coming out. To become happy. I don't want to be the reason that makes you hesitate. Or possibly the reason that changed your mind. This isn't because of you, it's because of me" Domen looked at him desperately.
"That's the biggest kitsch I've ever listened to," Daniel blinked away his rising tears. "And it's the biggest crap, too. It won't just disappear just because you want it to."
"I know."
"So why are you here if you wish you have never met me? "Daniel urged as Domen approached him and pressed his lips desperately against his.
"Because you aren't all the same to me ", Domen whispered. "We just have a poor timing."
Everything around Daniel became indistinct. The cold, the chaos, the darkness and the pain. Desperately, he wrapped his arms around Domen, pulling him closer, wishing the time would stop so they could stay here forever.
Instead, Domen freed himself, looking at him with his unfathomable forest eyes, "I guess, I just wanted you to know that. That's why I am here. I'm not... I just can't... It's..."
"Poor timing?" Daniel helped Domen, looking him deep in the eyes.
"Poor timing." Domen nodded, before he turned around and left Daniel alone. He stared after him and watched, as the Slovenian was slowly swallowed by the heavy snowfall and the darkness, wishing he had asked him, if there was a chance for a Maybe at some day.
***********************************************************************************************
So, that's it. That was Hello Hurricane. Thank you for reading!