~Nico~
Trigger warning: self-harm
"Hey, Nico, are you OK?" Luca inquires, his blue eyes stunning.
I shake out of my reverie and return to the task at hand. Luca is teaching me how to use healing magic. So far we've only practiced on plants, but I'm dying to try it on a person. Yet I'm glad that I haven't had the opportunity to, I don't want someone getting hurt.
"Nico..." Luca starts, "ever since the Alpha held you back at the end of the conference the other day, you've been acting funny."
I bite the inside of my cheek. The Alpha told the four of us to keep the mission a secret from everyone. Therefore, I can't even tell Luca, though I'm dying to. But I refuse to be the weakest link in our squad. A sliver of guilt stabs my heart as I think of Kayla, I want her to be the weakest link. I don't want to be the one dragging the team down.
Luca grabs my hand, pulling it away from the plant it was hovering over. "Nico."
Shyly, I meet his deep-blue eyes. "I'm sorry, Luca. It's just that the Alpha started assigning squads for the army we're gathering... and I got put with Alex and Kayla."
Luca frowns. "Why is it such a bad thing that you're put with Alex, despite him being an arrogant..." Luca cuts himself off.
"Well, Alex and I have had a lot of bad blood between us, and Kayla is his girlfriend. Whom I may or may not have insulted multiple times." I mumble, looking down at my hands. I'm telling him the truth, just not all of it.
"What kind of bad blood?" Luca inquires, shifting on the bed.
I sigh and lean against his chest, looking up at the ceiling. "We were best friends forever when we were young, but then my mom, she put a spell on the two of us, that split us apart. Once Alex and I were reunited, Alex didn't like whom I'd become."
Luca puffs out a breath of air, leaning back against the wall, while I lay with my back against his chest. "I'm sorry, Nico. I don't think I can help in that department. Separated by magic for so long and then brought back together, yet he's not grateful at all and you don't sound too glad either."
"Well, you can't blame him. I did act really mean and lash out. But can you blame me? For the longest time, the only person I could trust was myself. I learned how to keep everything to myself. So when he comes in, demanding I open up to him, demanding I change back... Well, it's just impossible. Just like all things, I changed. I can't forget every memory I made during those 5 years. They're ingrained into me." I shiver as unwelcomed memories flood into my brain.
Luca wraps his arms around my waist. "Someone like Alex... Someone who has never gone through what you've gone through...it's hard for them to understand what exactly you experienced. It sucks that he didn't make a harder effort to understand, though. Maybe if you just told him what happened, then perhaps you wouldn't have to lose your friend. After all, no one is a mind reader."
I grit my teeth at the thought of telling Alex about my shameful past. What if even after I tell him he doesn't understand? What if he's afraid of me? I sit up, pushing Luca's arms aside, feeling irritable. I look at the wilted plant in front of me, healing it with a simple sentence. I flash Luca a smile.
"Well, I'm going to read some more. So, I need you, to leave me alone." I give him a peck on the lips and a sly smile.
Luca wears his goofy smile as he returns my kiss and slides off the bed. He gets to the door before he turns around. "Nico, listen, if you ever need help explaining your situation to Alex, I can help you. I know it's hard, but you're not alone." Before listening to my reply, he closes the door with a soft click.
My eyes are moist as I let his words sink in. Even though I haven't told Luca my entire backstory either, he's still willing to help me. I sigh, feeling melancholic. Luca deserves better than me. I close the spell book with a thud, setting it on my nightstand. I lock my bedroom door before skulking to the bathroom.
Inside the bathroom lies the broken mirror. I still haven't gotten around to cleaning it up yet. That's why I refuse to let Luca use my bathroom. If he sees the shattered glass, he might get worried. Ignoring the glass, for now, I open a drawer just beneath the sink. Inside there are two metal bands. Made of silver. They burn slightly to the touch.
I don't acknowledge the pain as I slip them onto my wrist one by one, making me cringe. The sensation is not as bad as it would be for another wolf, considering I wore a silver necklace for so long and I'm a druid, but it's still uncomfortable. After the bands are secured, I stand in front of the sink, looking down at the shards of glass. I spot a decently sized one and grasp it. It knicks my fingers as I hold it tightly in my hand.
I push aside the shower curtain and sit inside the bathtub after removing my pants. My breath is shaky as I bring the glass to my thigh. Carefully, I cut the pale flesh, gasping as I do so. It hurts, but it's not like it's my first time doing this. As crimson blood trickles from the wound, it's as though all the nerves in my body have rushed to this one spot to let me know I'm injured. Even my own body is confused as to why I'm doing this.
I lay the shard of glass down. I place both of my hands over the wound and whisper the word of healing. Sana. The flesh begins to knit itself back together, feeling like fire as it does so. left behind is a pale, tight scar. Not good enough.
I repeat the process, slicing the flesh on my thighs and then healing. Eventually, I'm drained. Of both blood and magic. My head feels fuzzy and I lay back in the bathtub. The blood on my legs has dried, while some blood still travels toward the drain slowly.
I'm not doing this for my pleasure. I'm not doing this because I'm depressed. I'm doing this because I don't want to be the weak link anymore. If we're injured on this trip, I need to make sure that something like in my dream never happens. If I need to sacrifice my own body and comfort to ensure that my friends will live, then so be it. Even if I know this way of going about it is wrong. If Luca knew he'd be disappointed. After all, I've been at this for 2 days by now.
~*~*~*~
"Hey, Nico, you seem a bit pale," Dom says over breakfast the next morning.
My eyes snap up. "Well, it is the morning after all. Plus I've always been pale, Dom." I shove the eggs on my plate into my mouth.
"Even so, it looks worse than usual," He adds worriedly.
Luca eyes me from his spot at the table, looking for what Dom said. He nods as well. "Maybe the druid training, school, and werewolf training isn't such a good idea..."
I laugh brittly. "I'm telling you guys, you worry too much. I'll be fine. It's winter vacation in three days anyway, there's no reason to stop now."
Luca appraises me and sighs. "Well, if you want. But if it all gets to be too much, promise me you'll let me know."
I melt at the sight of his puppy dog eyes and give him a sincere smile. Even if I'm lying just a little bit, I promise I won't take it overboard. I squeeze his hand as a promise.
"Good, now let's head to school." Luca pushes back from his seat and I follow suit.
I may be exhausted from my mix of school, training, and... conditioning, but it's what it takes. Today too will be a repeat of yesterday.
~*~*~*~
My lungs heave and legs burn. Sweat streams into my eyes, blinding me. I lean over and put my hands on my legs, exhausted.
"You're done already, Nico?" Blake inquires, stabbing his bow staff into the ground.
"No... Just give me a second," I gasp between breaths. I blink the sweat out of my eyes, shaking my head. "Let's do this." I grasp my bow staff and swing it at Blake without warning.
My surprise attack doesn't go through as he effortlessly blocks it. I swing in a fury, my blows fast and with deadly accuracy. If Blake didn't have great reflexes, he'd be in bad shape. Even so, he still gets hit a lot.
He swipes at me, but I dodge it easily. He sends the staff towards my knees, but I jump over it and smack him in the shoulder, earning a growl. He advances, swinging over and over again. I jump, dodge, block, and backflip out of the way. My breathing is labored as the onslaught continues. I stumble over a root that slipped my attention. Blake takes the opportunity to knock my legs from under me. I collapse to the ground with a bone-jarring thud, knocking the air from my lungs.
Blake's eyes widen in realization. He throws down his bow staff and offers me a hand. I stagger to my feet on wobbly knees. My legs give out, but Blake catches me. He wraps an arm around my shoulder.
"Sorry about that," Blake says, smiling sheepishly, "I was too into it."
I smile weakly, feeling dizzy and sore. "It's fine. It was my mistake anyway."
The two of us hobble back to the omega cabin. The snow is thicker than ever after last night's blizzard. We stick to the shoveled path, attracting some stares from passersby. I guess the sight of two sweaty, beat-up guys is likely to catch someone's eye.
"You're unusually good, Nico," Blake says.
"Should I take that as a compliment?" I ask, laughing.
"Yeah, sorry. It's just, you may look skinny but you're well muscled and well-trained. When did you practice training?" Blake shifts my weight to make it easier to walk.
"Well, when I was in a coma, Noct and I practiced every day. We did it so much that it eventually became ingrained in me. I thought that it wasn't going to do anything for me once I woke up, but lo and behold, it really did. I didn't waste a second while I was asleep. I was always learning. Always training." I watch the grey clouds roll across the white sky.
Blake is quiet for some time. I wonder what he's thinking. Though we've become friends, I feel as though I know next to nothing about him. It's when we're almost home that he begins to talk.
"Nico, I think you're one of the strongest people I've ever met." He says quietly.
My brow wrinkles in confusion. What's he talking about? He's three times as strong at me, at least. I'm about to speak when he says, "Even when we first met, you were really strong-willed and stubborn. I'm sorry for making fun of you that way, for telling the entire school that you were gay. I was an asshole. I don't care whether you're gay, straight, or bi. You're you, and that's all that really matters.
"I guess I was kind of jealous. I mean, you're smart, good-looking, and strong even though you were all by yourself. Even though I was just turned into a werewolf, I couldn't control my emotions. I was angry all the time. Angry with my home life, my school life, and with the people I dated. That day, it just so happened that you were what made me snap. But because of you, Alex reached out and let me stay here. You became my friend when I came to live here, even though I was nothing but a douche.
"Anyway, what I'm trying to get at, is that I want to be strong like you. I'm going to become the official Beta representative so that I can protect you. And I already know that you're going to say something like how you don't need me to, but when you were kidnapped!.. There was nothing I could do. I pleaded and begged for the council to look for you a little harder, look a little further. But they refused. I want to become a beta so I can stand by your side and you can rely on me. You're not alone, you know?"
I blink away the unshed tears. "What's with you all of a sudden? Giving me this big speech." I fight hard to keep my voice steady. I had had no clue that Blake tried so hard to look for me when I was missing. It's unbelievable.
"Well, you always keep things to yourself and I didn't realize until recently. I just decided that you deserved to know that there are people that really care and try hard for your sake. Like, you should've seen how hard Alex searched for you when you went missing. He was pissed when he had to go on a mission on the Alpha's orders. Dom would burst into tears when making dinner. Even Kayla visited you in the hospital."
I stop walking, making Blake falter. I let go of him, holding my hands up in front of my face. Covering it so he can't see the tears. Why did he have to go and say all of this sappy stuff? All the stuff that I needed to hear? Blake lays a hand on my head gently, stroking my hair. How could I have been so blind?
"What're you guys doing?" Alex asks awkwardly.
I turn and hide my crying face as Blake smiles sheepishly at Alex. "Dude, we were having a moment. Where did you even come from?"
"Uh, OK. I was just walking to the mess hall to meet up with Kayla and I saw you guys. I was thinking about saying hello, but I can leave." I watch Alex run a hand through his beautiful blond hair. He looks so unsure it's comical.
"Alex..." I whisper, looking up shyly.
"Hey- Have you been crying?" I could see the concern etch itself into his features, which made me feel happy and guilty at the same time.
"Thank you, for everything. I'm sorry for being a jerk." My knees wobble like jelly from exertion and nerves.
"Okay? You're welcome?"
I blush and look down quickly. Blake and Alex continue to chat for a minute or so, while I stare at the mushy ground. I'm still not sure how I should act around Alex. I think we both mutually agreed to stay away from each other, but now being a squad is forcing us to be together.
"So you're coming, Blake?" Alex asks.
"Yeah, sure. It'll be nice to get to know Kayla better," He says.
"What about you?" Alex inquires, directing his question to me.
My head snaps up, our eyes meeting for a second too long before I look away. "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling so well..."
"Oh, yeah!" Blake exclaims, "Will you be OK getting back to the cabin without me, Nico?"
"I'm sure I'll manage," I smile at his forgetfulness.
"By the way, I'm really sorry for that last move."
I shake my head, unconcerned. "It's really no problem."
Alex just looks between us, confused. "What happened?"
Blake explains it quickly, Alex nodding in understanding. I flush at my failure. It seems Alex is always seeing the worst of me.
"Well, if it's like that, then I can walk Nico home, Blake. You can run ahead and shower and change." Alex says nonchalantly.
"Are you sure? What about Kayla?" Blake asks, walking along.
"We're meeting in an hour, so it's fine."
"Well, OK then. See you guys soon." Blake runs off toward the omega cabin at full speed.
Alex raises an eyebrow at me in a what now? gesture. I lean against him nervously, feeling sparks tingle my skin where we make contact. He smells so good, it's intoxicating. The two of us walk in semi-awkward silence. I'm dying to apologize, to tell him the truth about everything, but when I open my mouth it's like there's something blocking my throat. Why is this so hard?
"Alex?" I inquire in a small voice.
"Hm?" His soft blue eyes land on me inquisitively.
"I-If I was to tell you about my past, and what I went through... would you hate me? Would you laugh? Would you make fun of me? Would you be afraid? Would you never talk to me again?"
"I would never. I don't know what kind of person you think I am, but I think that we misunderstand a lot about each other. I would listen to you until the end, Nico. I would never hate you." Alex's voice is firm as he talks, keeping his eyes on the approaching cabin.
"I can't live without you, Alex... Even if you marry Kayla and have two kids, I will always try to be by your side. Because it's always been you." I sniff and pull away from Alex as we arrive at the porch steps.
Alex's brow is scrunched in confusion and he's wearing a frown. "Nico... What do you mean that it's always been me?"
"Good bye, Alex." I whisper, closing the door behind me.
I scurry into my bedroom, closing the door behind me with a click. I lean against the door and slide until I'm sitting on the floor. My head buried in my knees that come up to my chest protectively.
Every decision I make I try to do it in your interest. All the training I do is for you. All the smarts I force into my head is for you. All the secrets I keep is to protect you from me. All the forgetting I'm trying to do is so that you can live a happy life. The tears begin to well up again. It's so selfish of me not to forget you, to want you, to need you. To take advantage of Luca's feelings so I can get one step farther from you. It's always been you, Alex.
A/N: Well, this is Chapter 36. I'm so surprised to have already done 36 chapters. Even more surprising is that I have 3.8K Views owo. Thank you all so much for reading. I'm sorry for procrastinating on writing, but I wanted to write when I felt like it and not push out chapters when I wasn't feeling it.
The amount of views is intimidating, making me feel as though I need to write better and with more quality, but at the same time, I want to write what I like, no matter how it is going to affect my audience.
Anyway, tell me what you thought of this chapter. I wrote it all in one sitting when I should be sleeping. Whoops. Good night/morning.